Boyfriend's strap-on fantasy

[witch_baby]

So I need some advice.

How I feel about this whole issue is kind of complicated- in other words I don't quite know how I feel. Let me preface this by saying my bf and I are completely in love. We've been together a little over 18 months and the sex has always been incredible. We've tried a lot of stuff, we like to explore different things - role playing, some bdsm (both ways), fantasies, etc, etc. Lately (the past 6 moths or so) our sex life has really dropped off. I feel like it's mostly me who's not so into it, although there are a lot of factors (the usual life gets in the way blah busy blah live together etc). Whenever we do have sex it's amazing, and I love having sex with him. But often it just seems like too much trouble.

So we've played all these different games, and now as I look back I start to wonder- how much of this was really where I wanted sex to go, you know? Am I trying too hard to be ok with everything? Is it ok to not be into some things? The thing is, he seems to have no limits. Apart from something that would do serious physical damage, he's up for anything. And I think this threatens me a little, and I feel like I have to keep up or something. I pride myself on being open-minded, but I know I shouldn't have to work at it. I feel like I'm putting this pressure on myself.

For his birthday, back in July, we chose a strap-on as a present from me to my bf, so that we can play out one of his fantasies. We haven't used it yet. Actually, that's a lie, he used it on me once, but I haven't used it on him. I don't know if I'm ok with it. When it arrived at our house and I opened it (to wrap it for his birthday) I started to cry. I thought to myself, 'this is not where I want to go, this is not what I want to do'.

Meeting someone who seems to totally lack limits makes me realise mine, and this scares me. Not being ok with some of his fantasies, not knowing how to react to them makes me wonder why. Do I feel like if he's 'the girl' in a particular fantasy, I don't know what I am? I have always considered myself a feminist, I have always thought that gender is a construct. But I'm starting to wonder about my attitude to sex, to men, to heterosexuality, and I'm starting to wonder what it is I want from sex, and if I want it at all.

I want to spend the rest of my life with this man.

Any thoughts?

 

[siddey1]

id say why not you already have it and he has tried it on you...i think it cool that he can share this fantasy with you...it's not like he is trying to involve someone else...i did pm you.

 

[FurryFury]

You seem to think strap on activities have something to do with homosexuality. It doesn't.

If you are not into it. you just aren't into it. No one should be forced to do something they really don't want to.

OTOH, he fucks you all the time. Do you believe in reciprocity at all? I do, if they are into it.

BTW, no one has "no limits." You just don't know what his are yet. Have you ever told him it would turn you on if he did the dishes? Or changed a baby's diaper?

*chuckles*

We all have limits.

 

[witch_baby]

1. I don't think him wanting this has anything to do with homosexuality- I meant that I'm questioning my notions of what it is for me to be heterosexual - ie, my rection to what he wants leads to me questioning the way I view sex.

2. I didn't mean he literally has no limits, I just meant that at this point, we haven't managed to find any hard limits for him, and this is mostly because my limits are so far within his.

It's more that there's this gap between what I am mentally ok with doing and what I'm just not comfortable with...

 

[FurryFury]

It's a shame y'all haven't been able to talk about this before you got him this present for his birthday.

I really think that's what you both need is some communication. I happen to know that I would not want my partner to do something he wasn't at least okay with for me and vice versa. I'd never want to put him in that position.

By the same token I do want to make him happy. There is little I won't happy to at least try, to do that. I look at it as an exploration and experimenting both of which I enjoy doing.

 

[malinborn]

Witch_Baby
I understand this a lot, but sadly i think that i am like your bf in this. Prior to meeting the woman i would make my wife i had a very wild life and generally outscore most people i know on things like purity tests, etc etc.. (now, people here is a different story LOL). That said, the difference in my scores and my wife's or many people i talk to who are interesting.. are pretty astronomical. i joke with my wife that we need to start increasing her scores

Anyway, i have spoken to some people and find that they are intimidated by the fantasies i have shared... and i did not think they were even close to some of the darker fantasies that you sometimes let peak out from under the bed. Apparently, sometimes "You can tell me anything" isn't really true. In this instance though, where mine is just people i speak to who feel i am pushing my fantasies on them by sharing them, it sounds like you and your bf have taken some steps that in retrospect you are not comfortable with.

I think what you need to do is sit down and talk to him. tell him how you feel, what you feel, and see what he feels he Needs vs what he desires... while many of us hate to admit it, there is a difference.

i hope that you two are able to work it out

 

[witch_baby]

Thank you

Some of what he wants freaks me out at first, and some things I've stumbled across have been confronting, primarily because he hasn't shared them with me. It took a very long time for me to realise that the fact that he doesn't reveal every little fantasy he has is not an insult to me, that everything he does is not about me.

His last gf of 5 or so years was very critical of him sexually and from what I gather quite conservative- I think she made him feel like if he was into certain things, he was a freak. As a result he is a little hesitent about articulating what he wants sexually. My problem is what to do when he shares his fantasies, and how to work out my own feelings about his them and communicate them. Sometimes I go out of my way to be ok with everything and it blows up in my face- a few times I've been like 'sure we can do that' and I've thought that I'm ok with whatever it is until I reach a point that I'm so far past my limits I freak out. Obviously when that happens, it isn't conducive to large amounts of uninhibited sex.

I should say at this point that there are many things that turn me on that aren't really his cup of tea- it's not a one way thing, it's just that what I'm into is generally within his limits, whereas some of his fantasies are way outside of mine.

Honestly, his sexual desires don't scare me, what scares me is when I feel pressured to fulfil the ones I know I'm not comfortable with. I'm sad because we used to explore sex together and now I feel like we're avoiding it.

 

[A_Kefka]

I think its a good thing for people to try new things and test their limits. But you should always feel comfortable about doing it. And you should be able to tell him that something doesn't interest you, or that it turns you off, without seeming judgemental of him. If you haven't told him how you feel he probably thinks that you are as excited by these ideas as he is. Let him know how you feel.

 

[Pure]

i think you need to set your own pace at trying new things. if you are absolutely uncomfortable, simply put it way down the list, for consideration in one or ten years.

probably he realizes not every fantasy can be put into action right now; if not, tell him that's your view. further, some fantasies must always remain that, for safety or legal reasons. you might remind him of this.

that said, 'forbidden fantasies' can be shared, at least talked about: if he wants to be beaten by 100 Tahitian maidens, you can help him imagine it and get off, just as he should play with any of your fantasies.

 

[rakuz66]

bf

For what it's worth, it sounds like you are compromising yourself fulfilling some fantasies and then wishing or regretting it afterwards. This doesn't seem to be a problem with your bf, but it seems you have reached your limit or maybe your finisihed with it completely and just want a "normal" relationship. Either way, the issue should be discussed with your bf eventually. If you continue down this road, you will end up hating yourself and then your bf in the process.

 

[RawHumor]

I agree with rakuz.

We all have different limits. It's one thing to bend to please someone, but you also need to respect yourself enough to be able to tell him "I'm sorry, I just really don't want to do this".

Being open-minded and being open to everything sexual are two different things.

Also, you can respect that he wants to do it without needing to be into it yourself. Some things may be best left for when he's masturbating or having alone time. That's okay too. Not all things that a couple is into need to be shared as a couple. It's okay to have alone fun sometimes.

 

[M's girl]

Being open-minded and being open to everything sexual are two different things.

I always believed this to be true, but have often heard otherwise when I did not want to perform certain acts while having sex. I believe I am very open minded but that does not mean I'm into everything I'm willing to discuss or consider.

I also want to add something about the no limits thing.... of course everyone has limits but if you are someone who is certainly trying to make sex fun, wild and entertaining to both (a.k.a. into anything within the regular gamma of sex - and then some) it will seem like - when someone who passes that stage so easy to venture into the darker rooms and who-knows-where áfter thát - kind of scary and limitless to even the very open minded....

 

[omniavincet]

Hey Witch Baby,

My wife and I have been working through a similar situation. The danger of avoiding these issues is this: if he really loves you and realizes this freaks you out, he may push his desires back under the covers to make sure you're ok and don't run away, like I did for many years. Eventually this will become a big problem. When I was finally able to let my wife know what my inner sex life really looked like, she got scared in just the same way you sound scared - like she was being asked to do things she was uncomfortable with and didn't want to do. As we talked more she realized that I didn't want to force her into anything she couldn't handle, but we also found sound new common ground as she explored her own inner life a bit more. We spent a week away experimenting a bit and realized some of these things sound scarier than they really are, but most importantly, we went to see a trusted therapist about all of it. These sorts of situations, in my own humble opinion based on just my own life, involve your issues, his issues, and your relationship issues more generally. It can be an awful lot to figure out without some serious thought time and some help.

Good luck with everything,

OV

 

[Softouch911]

Honestly, his sexual desires don't scare me, what scares me is when I feel pressured to fulfil the ones I know I'm not comfortable with. I'm sad because we used to explore sex together and now I feel like we're avoiding it.

Whether a strap on is good or not, you don't sound like you're ready for it ... maybe later, maybe never, but the focus has to be on the relationship. IMO, buying it was a step you weren't ready to take. It's a testament to something good about you that you were willing to take it anyway. It's another testament to you that you're paying attention to your own yellow flags. And it will be a wonderful testament to you both if you can get past this with both of y ou feeling supported ... and the strap on sitting on the shelf until you're both ready to try it.

I have fantasies, too, and a c ouple of them are on the shelf. There's nothing wrong with that. I don't know whether they'll come off the shelf or not, but they're there if needed.

Nothing wrong with taking it slow when you're not ready.

ST

 

[jadefirefly]

I think that having a good conversation about the things that make you comfortable and uncomfortable is a good thing. I also think that it's important that, given what you've said about his past, to make sure he understands that just because you're not comfortable with something doesn't mean you think it's awful, or freaky, or disgusting.

It sounds like both of you need to not just know, but truly accept, that it's okay for some fantasies to stay fantasies, even if they're verbalised, and that it's okay for someone to not feel comfortable with something while still feeling comfortable with each other. Sometimes we know this logically, but it can be hard to accept in our hearts.

 

[alli_cat]

I think that having a good conversation about the things that make you comfortable and uncomfortable is a good thing. I also think that it's important that, given what you've said about his past, to make sure he understands that just because you're not comfortable with something doesn't mean you think it's awful, or freaky, or disgusting.

It sounds like both of you need to not just know, but truly accept, that it's okay for some fantasies to stay fantasies, even if they're verbalised, and that it's okay for someone to not feel comfortable with something while still feeling comfortable with each other. Sometimes we know this logically, but it can be hard to accept in our hearts.

Well I was about to reply and read what jadefirefly wrote - and she said everything I was thinking! DF has fantasies that I am not at all ready to fulfil yet, I like to hear his fantasies and do not judge them, but he is also aware that acting them out is at my discretion and doesn't put pressure on me (although he may keep bringing up what he would like in a *wink wink nudge nudge* kinda way!!). If you are not comfortable witb trying something, or you try it once and don't want to do it again, that is okay - you need to be honest with your partner about it though. Any loving partner will understand and accept that

 

[FurryFury]

DF?

Dear Friend?

Dear Fuck?

*scratches head*

 

[SubNebGuy]

to me, it sounds like you need to get off the forum and go talk to your boyfriend.

you need to learn to talk to him about this stuff. if you don't communicate, you'll never be truly happy in the relationship.

if you can't get over your feelings about the strap on, its just gonna breed resentment, and an unhappy/unhealthy relationship.

 

[DeservingBitch]

I should say at this point that there are many things that turn me on that aren't really his cup of tea- it's not a one way thing, it's just that what I'm into is generally within his limits, whereas some of his fantasies are way outside of mine.

Honestly, his sexual desires don't scare me, what scares me is when I feel pressured to fulfil the ones I know I'm not comfortable with. I'm sad because we used to explore sex together and now I feel like we're avoiding it.

Hey WitchBaby,

First, let me qualify what will follow by restating what many others have already said: not all fantasies/needs have to be acted on, and nobody is entitled to have all of their fantasies/needs fulfilled, nor should anybody be expected to fulfill all of their partner's fantasies/needs.

With that in mind, have you considered opening up your relationship and allowing each other to go outside of the relationship to have your respective sexual fantasies/needs met with someone else? If this is something that you could be both comfortable with, it could help in taking off the pressure on your shoulders of satisfying some of your partner's desires that you are not comfortable with. Of course, an open-relationship kind of arrangement could only help if BOTH of you are comfortable with it, and it would also require a lot of open communication and honesty along the way, but it may be worth considering and discussing it with your partner.

Good luck, and I hope you find a way to both be happy in your relationship.
DB