Boyfriend issues

[bisexplicit]

So, heres the thing.
My boyfriend is going through some really tough times right now, and I'm trying to be there for him as much as possible. However, I cannot spend all my time listening to him whine/bitch/complain/whatever. And every time I try to bring up the fact that I need to talk about something else...or that I just need some time by myself...he pulls this whole guilt trip thing.
It just feels like a completely unequal relationship where I am constantly taking care of him, and where he doesn't know a damn thing about whats going on in my life anymore.
Having said that, I love him, and aside from when we fight (which are horrible messes, and fucked up beyond belief) and this time right now everything works pretty well between us.
So, I don't know...can anyone relate? Can anyone give me some advice?

 

[Koroshinobi]

I had a similar situation with my ex fiancee, what I did was just hold my tounge and wait for things to get better. Things did get better be she still though she could treat me the way she did when things in her life sucked, it destroyed our realtionship. so I recomend not doing what I did.

My user name Koroshinobi is japanese it means " the heart that endures the darkness" it remindes me of the pain and hardships I have lived through in my life and my mistakes. I hope that your heart need not become one that must endure the darkness.

Best of Luck and Much love to you
Koroshinobi

 

[Ezzy]

The main questions I would have would be about his troubles and if there is any way to get help councilling for him that doesn't hook you in?

 

[emap]

Actually what he said.

This is one of those tough times that are supposed to make the two of you better at being together. Not sure it will work, but you still love him despite the problems, so all I can say is get your butt in there and duke it out when you need to, otherwise just let him rant. Eventually he will either turn things around or stop bitching about things to you so much, either one works.

 

[Cathleen]

Without knowing what kind of issues he is facing it's hard to offer good advice. Are these issues something of which he may have some control? Is it the daily rant type of thing, or something that doesn't come up often?

The first thing that came to my mind was 'The Serenity Prayer'. Is it a matter of accepting things that he can't change? Could he instead of complain, make changes for the better? There are so many variables here, I find it difficult to help.

With regard to your communication with him there is no doubt in my mind that you should talk with him about your feelings. You want to help him, but don't know how perhaps. Working together you might find help or soultions that wouldn't come to light thinking on the issue alone.

Clearly you are tired of his behavior, you need to be honest to yourself and to him for the sake of the relationship. Your feelings are not right or wrong they just are - and they will change too, just as his will. But if you bury this I see a resentment in the making and resentments are never good.

Could you talk with him quietly to try to help him deal with the issues and add that you are feeling helpless and what that feels to you? With regard to discussing your feelings make sure you keep the focus on your feelings and not on his bahaviors. Don't attack his behavior, state your feelings.

Even if the issues cannot change, he needs to find ways to accept them or not. What is he willing to put up with? That is a question we all have to ask ourselves many times in life.

Good luck Bi


edit: The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

 

[EJFan]

a friend of mine recently came out and told me i'm wildly disagreeable... he's right, of course. but when he told me it so bluntly it hurt a lot and told me that i should just let some things go... he suggested that if someone says something i disagree with i should just let it pass instead of making a correction or debate out of it.

i bring this up because SOME of what you're talking about can be handled with the same idea... just be passive and let his rants go on instead of stirring the pot. you're probably not agitating him but sometimes saying ANYTHING can be enough to spark an issue that wasn't really there. it's hard to do this when it's someone you care about but try it.

another thing is to make sure you keep yourself and your priorities in sight. if you bow to him and his needs too constantly, he'll eventually lose respect for you. believe me, no guy wants a pushover... we like women who put us in our place when we need it (of course, the frequency of this varies from penis to penis) even if we don't admit it. it's fine to see yourself as part of a couple but you have personal things to manage so try not to let them suffer, for both your sakes.

 

[bisexplicit]

So when is it time to stop being patient? Its been over a month...

 

[EJFan]

So when is it time to stop being patient? Its been over a month...

you and your follow up questions... ugh...

there are people in my life i have to be patient with day in and day out. of course, i'm not doin' the horizontal mambo with them so it's not so much of a chore.

maybe you have to pick a battle and revert to the HT-classic... talk to him. when there's a moment that it just seems like the issue supercedes the call for patience you have to sit down and mention that his "issues" are keeping you from your obligations... that you care for him and want his contentment and success to be there but taht you can't MAKE those things happen, he has to find contentment and success and share them with you just as you do with him.

 

[Ezzy]

So when is it time to stop being patient? Its been over a month...

About the same time as to stop loving or caring for him. Get him to get professional help if you can, and if you can't it may just be time to move on with your life.

 

[bisexplicit]

About the same time as to stop loving or caring for him. Get him to get professional help if you can, and if you can't it may just be time to move on with your life.

Professional help is not an option. And neither is moving on - I love him too much. But thank you for the suggestions.

 

[bisexplicit]

EJFan: You LOVE my follow up questions.

 

[silverwhisper]

it just feels like a completely unequal relationship where i am constantly taking care of him, and where he doesn't know a damn thing about whats going on in my life anymore.

without knowing anything about the nature of the problem (not that i'm asking, mind), it's hard to know what kind of perspective to put on this. i mean, are we talking about immediate stuff that will blow over in a while? urgent and career/life-threatening stuff that needs to be addressed very, very carefully?

all that you can do is try to be supportive, but when it gets to be too much, i'd recommend trying to find a way not to be around physically: go see other friends or something. i'll be honest, i think he's being very selfish.

having said that: for some kinds of problems, that's justified. just how justified however is not something that any of us really know, possibly even including you, bi.

having said that, i love him, and aside from when we fight (which are horrible messes, and fucked up beyond belief) and this time right now everything works pretty well between us.

everyone has relationships like this: they add a nice spice to life, no? :>

put on your psych hat for a moment though and re-read the first sentence in your initial post there, bi. imagine that it's someone else's post that you're reading.

ed

 

[LadyJeanne]

Does he take care of you like that when you need it, for as long as you need it? If so, then you've got the best reason to try to help him for as long as you can. If he doesn't, then you might want to start thinking about how happy you are being in this relationship. If it's completely unequal all the time, I'm not sure where his loving you comes in.

Without knowing what his problems are, it's hard to put time limit on support. A death of a close friend or family can take a long time to get beyond. Losing a job can also take a while, but wallowing in the unhappiness shouldn't take more than a month before he starts getting his act together. Illness can take all kinds of time. If it's too much for you to handle, please make sure you've got some friends who can support you during this time.

 

[RavenousRae]

It's hard to be the one that carries a relationship but at some point you have to admitt to yourself that the relationship consists of two people - when one person constantly dominates to the point where the other person feels left out or the pressure is all on them then it's time to take a step back and assess where you are. If you are truely committed then you talk about it, maybe space needs to be an option, maybe communication isn't as good as it should be, either way things need to be brought into the open. Guilt can't always be an excuse, excuses can't always be used - at some point solutions need to be addressed - regardless of problems. It's always a personal decision how solutions are brought about though - but it won't happen unless you talk to him honestly.

 

[EJFan]

EJFan: You LOVE my follow up questions.

(hypnotized, 1000 yard stare, robotic voice)

i love bi's follow up questions.

 

[bisexplicit]

Maybe I can explain more...

A typical conversation (in this past month or so):

BF: Hey sweetie, how was your day?
Me: Good. How was yours?
BF: *launches into a tirrade of everything that went wrong - because the one thing is upsetting him the whole world seems to be against him*
Me: *emphasizes, tries to calm him down*
Me...an hour later: I need to go, I need a break from all this emotional stuff.
BF: Yeah, I shouldn't of brought it up. I shouldn't bother you with my problems. I shouldn't bother anyone. We'll just talk about you all the time now and never talk about me...
Me: *gets mad* You always guilt trip me!
BF: *gets defensive* I'm just trying to tell you how I feel!
Phone gets hung up.
Five minutes later, one of us calls back.
Me: I'm sorry, but its hard to deal with all this stuff all the time. I miss how our conversations used to be...
BF: I know, I'm trying to change. I'm sorry, I love you.
Me: I love you too.
Repeat again the next day.

 

[EJFan]

ok... couple o' things jump to mind.

1. the first thing that happens when he rants is you try to calm him down... i can see the logic in that and i've done it... but it might not be the right course of action. maybe just let him have a monologue for a bit, let him vent and just let him let it all out.

2. it SEEMS to me that there's an emotional impass goin' on here. how long have you been together? there's a point where many couples have to wait for a plateau to break... where you aren't really sure how far you can go emotionally with the other... and that leads to kind of extreme emotional flow. it'll eventually level off when a new plateau is found and things won't bounce 'round so much.

 

[bisexplicit]

We've been together about ten months-ish.
...And its worrying me, especially, because we're going to be moving in together in the fall - I just don't want things to continue this way.

 

[silverwhisper]

bi: based solely on the admittedly limited view you're providing into your relationship, i'm inclined to think that the power imbalance to which you referred isn't exactly small and he's using classic passive/aggressiveness on you to maintain it. there's ways to combat that, if you're of a mind.

ed

 

[LadyJeanne]

I've had friends who did that. When you can get a word in edgewise, say something like you're really sorry he had such a lousy day, and then change the subject to what you'd like to talk about and keep talking. He'll have to listen if you keep talking and you might even get his mind off his problems.

It sounds like he's really dwelling on his issues. Try to distract him, tell him you were masturbating thinking about him, something, anything, to get him to stop dwelling.

 

[bisexplicit]

Well, I obviously love to openly discuss my life (or so it seems, hehe, maybe I'm just extremely self-absorbed and no one else bothers bringing their problems out here...), lets continue.
I think it is sortof a passive/agressive thing...and it sucks. He basically is reacting things out that he spent his life doing with his (alcoholic) mother. Except he becomes her...And I take on his role of care taker (does this make any sense?). So yeah, I think thats a lot of it.
And he /really/ is a good person and a great guy. Its just when it comes to this emotional shit, he relates poorly (as do I, actually).
So, yeah, why I told everyone all that is in hopes someone know how to help this all some.
And yeah, I've talked to my therapist about it, but...I don't know, it was helpful advice, but not entirely.

 

[EJFan]

... tell him you were masturbating thinking about him, something, anything, to get him to stop dwelling.

this would work on me.

 

[bisexplicit]

I've had friends who did that. When you can get a word in edgewise, say something like you're really sorry he had such a lousy day, and then change the subject to what you'd like to talk about and keep talking. He'll have to listen if you keep talking and you might even get his mind off his problems.

It sounds like he's really dwelling on his issues. Try to distract him, tell him you were masturbating thinking about him, something, anything, to get him to stop dwelling.

Heh, see, thats the only time when he doesn't want to fight, is when hes horny (which, albeit due to these issues hasn't been often), but I can hardly feel aroused while hes being all whiney. Then, of course, he gets offended that I'm turning him down or whatever...
I obviously just have a boatload of issues, hunh? I seriously just should have my own personal therapist 24/7.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Heh, see, thats the only time when he doesn't want to fight, is when hes horny (which, albeit due to these issues hasn't been often), but I can hardly feel aroused while hes being all whiney. Then, of course, he gets offended that I'm turning him down or whatever...
I obviously just have a boatload of issues, hunh? I seriously just should have my own personal therapist 24/7.

Yeah, whiny is not sexy or seductive. I don't blame you.

You don't want to end up acting as his therapist, as that's eventually going to kill all your desire for him, and maybe even your respect and admiration.

Does he have other friends he can talk with? Or not talk with? Maybe he just needs to go out and have a good time now and then, instead of living in his head.

 

[LadyJeanne]

this would work on me.

You're easy.