Book Materal?

[PoliteSuccubus]

Below is a story I submitted a few days ago, after it is some commentary I received from Freedback and my reply...but your most kind reguards would be greatly appricated......

Summer Cottage
by PoliteSuccubus ©


When her marriage fell apart Donna moved back to her grandmother's seaside cottage. Charles was making staying in the city too difficult, practically stalking her, and the cottage was one of the few things he couldn't touch in their settlement, since it was part of a larger trust. In the 1920's a group of artists had pooled their money together and bought a section of land and helped each other build a collection of unique houses. The terms of the trust were that their chosen descendents or a qualified artist chosen by committee could live in the cottages, paying into the tax trust from their earnings, which in turn paid for general upkeep and taxes. Donna's grandmother had chosen her, out of all her prodigy, admiring her painting ability.

Her neighbor, Keith, was also a direct descendent of a founder and a sculptor who had already become quite famous with his works. He was also bi sexual and during the years they had lived next to each other had a mix of attractive men and women flowing in and out. Usually his models, but not always. But never serious relationships, which made Donna a little sad, since she thought he was lovely and loveable.

On the day she moved back to the cottage Keith was painting the trim with a slim young man with brown sun streaked hair and both of them came over to help her unpack.

"I'm surprised to see you here." Keith said, pulling out some boxes from the trunk of her car.

"Not as surprised as I am to be here." Donna admitted. "Charles...changed after we got married. Said he now had rights he didn't have when we were living together." Donna pulled down her sun glasses to show him a almost faded bruise. "Thought we could work it out, but after the 3ed time I was so out of there."

"Bastard." Keith said bitterly. "Oh, this is Mark." Keith grinned at the sweet young thing who ducked his head shyly and took the boxes Keith handed him.

"Hi Mark, nice to meet you." Donna smiled. "You both must have been spending a lot of time on the beach, your both so brown."

"After I finished my last show I decided to take a break." Keith wiggled his eyebrows "Restore those creative juices" Mark blushed and grinned.

They spend the evening airing out Donna's cottage and then Keith invited her over for dinner at his place since hers wasn't set up yet. Sitting in the glow of candlelight, good food, good wine giving her a buzz, and Keith's cheerful chatter and Mark's glowing shyness Donna felt herself beginning to relax for the first time in months. Seeing the two men casually leaning into each other, both so handsome, gave her inspiration. "I'd love to paint the two of you, maybe even a series. Nothing really overt, but subtle."

Keith looked at Mark. "I think that could be arranged, if you are going to be here for a while." More wine, more talk, and Donna doodling sketches for future ideas found them very relaxed when Charles' car pulled up in front of Donna's cottage.

"Oh damn, I really don't want to deal with him." Donna sighed, watching him storm into the unlocked cottage from Keith's window.

"Then don't." Keith suggested, but the sounds of things crashing caused Donna to shake her head and say goodbye before crossing the sandy yard.

Both Keith and Mark watched the house with growing unease as yelling came from the house, mostly Charles voice. Giving each other a glance they sprinted across to Donna's door just in time to see Charles raise his hand to Donna. "Hey!" Keith called out, "I wouldn't do that if I were you!"

A quick shuffle and Charles was manhandled out of the house and thrown into the dirt beside his car. "It would be good if you didn't come back" Keith warned him, his face dark with fury.

In the house Donna was trying not to cry and cleaning up the spilled paints Charles had emptied onto the floor. Both Mark and Keith helped her before guiding her back to Keith's. "No way you are going to stay by yourself tonight."

Donna bathed her face in cold water then sat on the floor in front of the couch, Keith lay on his side on the couch petting her hair, and Mark lay on the other side of the coffee table, facing them both.

Donna sighed and leaned her head back against the couch, and Keith feeling her need for comfort, began to stroke her neck. With a look of curiosity on his face he let his hand glide lower and lower, stroking her breasts, following his pets with kisses down her neck and watching Mark at the same time. Donna allowed him, with only the softest mew of protest. Mark sat watching, his eyes glittering in the candlelight, saying nothing.

Keith sat up, deftly removing his swim trunks at the same time, and tugged at Donna, lifting her up so that she sat in his lap, facing Mark. She didn't protest or disagree, but allowed Keith to touch her as he wished, her eyes closed and face thoughtful. Unbuttoning her shirt he bared her breasts and fondled them. Across from them, Mark teased his own nipples just as Keith teased Donnas. Sliding his hands down her ribcage Keith pushed down her shorts and panties to the floor. Mark also removed his shorts, his cock stiff and beautiful.

Through slitted eyes Donna watched Mark as he pushed the coffee table out of the way so he could see better what Keith was doing to her. Keith's cock was hard against her back, larger than Charles' had ever been. Pushing her legs apart and then over his Donna found herself totally exposed to Mark as Keith opened her outer lips and began fingering her. Across from them, Mark touched himself.

Mark had never been with a woman, he had a boyhood crush as many boys do on a playmate who showed him the ways of gay sex and then had never explored any other kind. He knew Keith was bi when he met him, in fact, at that time Keith had a girlfriend. But this, this was something he hadn't imagined. Eyes locked with Keith's, knowing Keith was turned on by watching Mark watch him. And the mystery of Donna, who let herself be touched, utterly trusting her childhood friend.

Keith slid himself into Donna when she was wet and moaning, kissing her deeply as he did. "Mark, come here." He called. Mark crawled across the floor to them. "Lick us." Keith told him.

Mark put his face between Donna's legs and licked where her pussy lips stretched to accept Keith's cock, rimmed where they joined, sliding his tongue into the fold and between Keith's cock and the taunt skin of Donna's cunt. Sucking Keith's balls into his mouth he was surprised when Donna's hands began to caresses his shoulders, run though his hair.

"Here, Mark, suck this." Keith's finger flicked Donna's clit. "Suck it like a tiny little cock, or a nipple."

Wanting to please Keith he moved up and sucked and teased the little fold of flesh, which pushed back at him, just like a cock would while Donna began to writhe and moan. Keith, unable to take it, began to thrust into her and Mark watched the action from a scant inch away, his tongue licking Keith's rod as it appeared and disappeared into Donna, licking her juices off of Keith's cock and returning to Donna's clit in turn. Not utterly gently Keith pulled on Mark's hair to bring him up, pressing him against Donna in order to kiss him. Keith fucked Mark's mouth with his tongue, tasting Donna and himself there. Donna reached around Mark, pulling him closer and taking him into her mouth, which made Mark moan against Keith's mouth. Donna came, and came again, sucking Mark into coming with her and her hands caressed his ass.

"Please," Mark moaned to Keith, "Please." Knowing what he wanted, Keith pulled himself from Donna before he came also. Kissing her he lay her down on the couch and joined Mark on the floor. Donna watched as Keith kissed and fondled Mark in much the same way he had kissed and fondled her. Mark wrapped his legs around Keith's neck and Keith entered him, making Mark sigh with fulfillment.

Eyes on the two men on the floor, their skin glowing in the candle light, Donna's hand casually found her still throbbing clit and lazily toyed with it. Mark saw her watching them and smiled. Donna smiled back. He held out his hand to her and she took it, and held it, watching in amazement as his cock between his belly and Keith's grew hard. Mark tugged on her hand lightly and she joined them on the floor.

Keith grinned at the sight of them together. It was going to be a wonderful summer.




FB: This 'hopeless romantic' is delighted with the overall plot of your story. I
just think that it should have taken a LOT LONGER for Keith's effort to comfort
Donna to become erotic in nature.

PS:Because of the short story format of the site, I moved it along quickly, if I do a longer novellea or book I will of course do some foreshadowing etc to make what they do and how they grow after as logical as possible.

FB: Even better yet, this transition ought to begin as Donna seriously worries
whether she is still 'young enough' to have another opportunity for marriage and
motherhood. Keith and Mark would thus have reason to carefully assess the
asthetic qualities of Donna's body, slowly undressing her in the process.
Indeed, as their exploration of her body became increasingly intimate, Keith
must allow Mark his very first detailed exploration of these otherwise well
hidden parts of a woman's body.

PS: In the longer version I edited down, Donna is actually two years younger than Keith (23-25) and had a girlhood crush on him. At this time, for any woman in a series of tramatic events (ie finding out the man she had planned spending her life with considered her property, nearly being beaten again, etc) the thought of having sex with anyone was not in her mind at the time, let alone being "young enough".

FB: The exploration in turn becomes increasingly sexual in nature until neither one
of them can resist the pleasure of sliding Keith's cock into Donna's cunt. This
likewise becomes Mark's first opportunity to observe heterosexual intercourse.

PS: The mood that I was trying to envoke was the support and comfort the two men were trying to give out of friendship becomes more as Keith's basic stayar nature surfaces and Donna's need for love allows him to touch her. Mark, at this point, is just an observer and more submissive than Donna in that respect. He doesn't even feel jealous of Donna, but only wants to share in Keith's "bounty". However, seeing her off to the side by herself, he reaches out to her in his own basic nature: Sweet careing. But maybe I don't right enough sex.....Hum...?

FB: Just because I have a tough time with anal sex, I would prefer that she gently
invited Mark to do likewise. But that extension of the story really ought to
occur as all three of them wake up totally naked in the same bed the next
morning!

PS: Keith and Mark are already in a sexual realtionship, so Donna (who is as clueless about gay sex as Mark is about straight sex) wouldn't do that.

In the longer version Donna wakes up to Marks smiling face (who is sitting on the floor next to her bed watching her sleep) while the smell of Keith cooking breakfast is in the air. Mark grins and says "Wasn't that great? Do you think we can do it again?" Which totally rollercoasters over any unease or misgivings she might have woken up with otherwise.

In the story Keith is the the the sensual point of the tirangle, Mark is the spirit and Donna is the heart. In the longer version Keith dumps Mark, as he has a long history of doing, and Donna takes him in. But without Keith to spark them, they had a brother/sister realtionship til Keith wakes up and smells the coffee. (Which, ironically, ties back to when she wakes up the frist morning when she woke up and smelled the coffee brewing on a whole new landscape of possiablities. And now Keith must "wake up" to a landscape of long term relationships over the "done by September" he's been having.)

So, be honest. *grits teeth* I await your repsonse.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Read from lesson two to the end in here:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=8982

Most publishers reject based on the first five pages. This isn't bad, but it's not spectacular either.

1. Read. A lot. Find a publisher that does MMF pornography. Yeah, yeah, I know; erotica is just dressed up porn to a lot of publishers. When you find that publisher, read as many of their books as you can. That way you get an idea what their tastes are and you can tailor the first five pages to those tastes. Not to mention the rest of it.

2. Your plot is short term. A book runs to about 55,000 words on, depending on the publisher. Some do less, most start around there. If you're not comfortable with plotting outside of actually writing, buy a book on it. You don't actually get into novella range until about 12,000 to 15,000 words depending on the market. Sometimes 20,000 words. This story is 1507 words long.

3. Sex doesn't sell books to editors. Character and plot do. I don't know what the longer version is like or what the plot entails, but unless you have plot and subplot that develops the characters, you should change it to a novella and try to sell it to an anthology or mag.

4. Start studying dialogue. Look at commercial fiction. Particularly successful books. Check the various genres rather than sticking to the ones you like to read. C&M Used books down on 4th is the best book store I've ever been in. Watch how they tag the dialogue (you overuse attributives). Watch how they make the characters talk. Watch how they make their characters "speak" without dialogue.

Can you write a book off of this story and publish it? Yes, you can.

 

[PoliteSuccubus]

Thanks KillerMuffin

One thing I love about you (besides your Killer Av) is your clear and focused advice.

To answer the unspoken question: Yes, if I turned it into a book it would have more scope. I had thought of starting it several years earlier when Keith's parents dump him off on his artist coz after discovering his sexual pref. In the rough draft I have worked out the 15 year old Keith is trying to explain to the 12 year old Donna why he'd be living with his coz full time. And of course Donna and Charles would be more drawn out, as well as Keith and Mark's meeting and relationship, and Keith's history of conquest and dump.

(you overuse attributives).

Would you illuminate me on this?


And...I have a hard time finding books up here in AK, but I will keep a look out for them anyhoo.

 

[Un-registered]

Re: Thanks KillerMuffin

And...I have a hard time finding books up here in AK, but I will keep a look out for them anyhoo.

Try downloaded e-books. There are lots about and AK is as accessible as D.C. to an ebook publisher.

It may be an easier market to sell in also. Quite often ebooks get taken up by paper publishers so it is a route in there also.

Edited to add
PS Something I have wondered for years and years, and you may know; is there really a place called EEK in Alaska?

 

[KillerMuffin]

Go down to fourth street, you'll find C&M Used books. It's been a few years, but I do believeit's down betwee B & C streets, townside of the railroad tracks and Ship Creek. It looks dumpy as hell, but they've got more books than you can shake a rubber stick at. Great prices. Sweet people, too.

We just sold our condo over by Northern Lights and DeBarr last year.


Attributives are the "said" words. Anything that attributes quotations to someone is an attributive. They're like adverbs; you should use them sparingly. Use action, props, or other assorted things to help out. Attributives are telling, not showing.

We did a whole dialogue thing. It had some good advice in it, but darned if I can find the thread. I do believe I'll just start a new one. Tomorrow, though, it's my bedtime.

 

[PoliteSuccubus]

Eek, AK

Location
Eek lies on the south bank of the Eek River, 12 miles east of the mouth of the Kuskokwim River. It is 35 air miles south of Bethel in the Yukon-Kuskokwim Delta, and 420 miles west of Anchorage
History
The village was originally located on the Apokok River, and moved to its present location in the 1930s. Constant flooding and erosion forced a relocation. A BIA school and a Moravian Church were constructed at the new site. A post office was established in 1949.

Culture
Eek is a traditional Yup'ik Eskimo village with a subsistence lifestyle. 80 to 90% of the diet consists of salmon. All five Pacific salmon species spawn in the Eek River. The sale or importation of alcohol is banned in the village.

Economy
Eek's economy is primarily subsistence-based. Cash activities are limited to commercial fishing and a few full-time positions at the school, City, Village Council and Village Corporation. All families participate in subsistence fishing; 47 residents hold commercial fishing permits. The 1992 Community Development Quota (CDQ) program has increased the pollock groundfish quota for small communities like Eek.

Transportation
A State-owned 1,500' sand and gravel airstrip provides chartered and private air access. A relocation of the airport is currently under development. A seaplane base is also available. Fishing boats, skiffs and snowmachines are used for local transportation to Bethel and other villages. There is a one-mile gravel road in the City. Barges deliver fuel and supplies during the summer months.

Climate
Eek is located in a marine climate. Precipitation averages 22 inches, with 43 inches of snowfall annually. Summer temperatures average 41 to 57; winter temperatures average 6 to 24.

Facilities
Treated water is stored in a tank at the washeteria. A few homes have water tanks which provide running water to the kitchen; but the large majority are not plumbed. Rain water and ice melt are the primary sources of drinking water. Honeybuckets are disposed of in a sewage lagoon. Eek has requested funds to construct a new washeteria, water treatment plant, 100,000-gal. water tank, sewage lagoon, vehicles for honeybucket haul, and a new landfill.



Info from: http://www.ilovealaska.com/Alaska/Eek/

 

[PoliteSuccubus]

To KM

*heavy sigh* Now see, I took a writing class at UAA and the prof told us that "said" is a sight word and could be used a lot without really being noticed and to many people use actions ect. overmuch.

Bleh. To find a happy medium....

I don't often go downtown, but Titlewave used books has moved from the N. Lights location and taken over a large section of the Northern Lights Mall next to REI where Safeway used to be. I'm going there to check it out this Sat when they have their Pagan Night at the coffee shop next door.

I think I will ask on the GB for some titles to look for.....

 

[karmadog]

Donna's grandmother had chosen her, out of all her prodigy, admiring her painting ability.

An editor would be unlikely to read any further than this, which is a problem because this is from the first paragraph.

The word you want is 'progeny'.

 

[PoliteSuccubus]

Oops!

Thank you for pointing that out, tho it's already been accepted and on the site....*heavy sigh*

My heart was in the right place, but my dictionary was in the shed.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Hey, typos happen.

Creative writing classes are a crap shoot. The teachers all come with their internal prejudices. THIS is how it MUST be. And I've taught writing myself.

The reason why said words are bad is because they are telling the reader what's going on not showing the reader what's going on.

"I was at work last night," he stated flatly.

"Oh, really?" she demanded disbelievingly. The lipstick on his collar proved otherwise.

or

"I was at work last night." He refused to look at her.

"Oh, really?" She stared pointedly at the lipstick stain on his collar.

Neither is wrong. One is better than the other. Telling is dull. Intersperse it for variety, sure, but don't give the reader a steady diet of it. Readers want to figure things out, they want to see for themselves. It's active reading and engages the brain more fully.

Losing attributives sacrifices a little bit of detail, of course. You don't have a built-in manner to describe the vocal inflection. However, it's boring to read after a while because there is no thinking involved.

Then there are the attributives you use solely to identify the speaker. Unless you have no other means of doing it, there's simply no point. Take this innocuous sentence from you piece.

"I'm surprised to see you here." Keith said, pulling out some boxes from the trunk of her car.

Try this:

"I'm surprised to see you here." Keith pulled some boxes from the trunk of her car.

One, you lose the passiveness (passive bad). Two, you use less words. Expressing ideas with less words is good because the longer it takes you to show someone something, the less likely you are to hold their attention. If you can't hold the editor's attention for the first five pages, you're getting a rejection notice before they even look at your book.

The longer version is, no doubt, much better because you have more time to develop the situation and the characters. In this one, you didn't have the space to do it.

Here's some more advice. Don't edit as you write, you're going to have trouble if you constantly second-guess yourself. Finish the thing and then put it away for three or four weeks (don't read it at all!). Then pull it out and edit. You'll cringe at some of your writing. We all do. The distance helps you catch mistakes like prodigy.