Blonde Jokes
- Thread starter Lasher
- Start date
I attended a coed stag party yesterday. Way more fun than showers. Everybody brought the couple a gift, a sex toy or related item.
Anyway, I dunno why I am always the brunt of blonde jokes. Well, the bride-to-be is also a blonde, maybe they were talking at her.
Of course we heard the one ...
Q: How do you paralyze a blonde from the waist down?
A: Marry her.
Here's a new one I never heard before ...
Q: How do you teach a blonde to do math?
A: Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, do a little square root and sit back and watch her multiply.
I just wondered if anybody has any new blonde jokes I never heard before. If you can make me laugh you get to call me Mistress Darkness.
Anyway, I dunno why I am always the brunt of blonde jokes. Well, the bride-to-be is also a blonde, maybe they were talking at her.
Of course we heard the one ...
Q: How do you paralyze a blonde from the waist down?
A: Marry her.
Here's a new one I never heard before ...
Q: How do you teach a blonde to do math?
A: Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, do a little square root and sit back and watch her multiply.
I just wondered if anybody has any new blonde jokes I never heard before. If you can make me laugh you get to call me Mistress Darkness.
I saw this one on the net the other day...
Seems that a major paint manufacturer has introduced a new paint called Blondo: It spreads easily and isn't too bright!
But, my favorite of all time...
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant...?
"I don't think it's mine."
"It hurts soooo good Mistress!" I grovel and quiver in anticipation of your next whim.
[This message has been edited by mrhappy (edited 01-09-2000).]
Seems that a major paint manufacturer has introduced a new paint called Blondo: It spreads easily and isn't too bright!
But, my favorite of all time...
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant...?
"I don't think it's mine."
"It hurts soooo good Mistress!" I grovel and quiver in anticipation of your next whim.
[This message has been edited by mrhappy (edited 01-09-2000).]
Ok, here are a few old ones for you...
Q: Why does a blonde wear large hoop earrings?
A: So she'll have someplace to rest her ankles.
Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory?
A: She kept throwing out all the W 's.
Q: What is the first thing a blonde says after sex?
A: Next.
Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?
A: She opens the car door.
Just a few...
BTW, Nope I'm not a blonde
Q: Why does a blonde wear large hoop earrings?
A: So she'll have someplace to rest her ankles.
Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory?
A: She kept throwing out all the W 's.
Q: What is the first thing a blonde says after sex?
A: Next.
Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?
A: She opens the car door.
Just a few...
BTW, Nope I'm not a blonde
Q: Why are some women's belly button's black and blue?
A: Because blonde guys are stupid too.
( Revised version of *eve's*)
Q: What do you get when you stick 2 blonds in the freezer?
A: Frosted flakes
Q: If a blonde and a brunet were pushed off a building who would land first?
A: The brunet because the blonde would stop and ask for directions
Dakota
[This message has been edited by Dakota (edited 01-09-2000).]
A: Because blonde guys are stupid too.
( Revised version of *eve's*)
Q: What do you get when you stick 2 blonds in the freezer?
A: Frosted flakes
Q: If a blonde and a brunet were pushed off a building who would land first?
A: The brunet because the blonde would stop and ask for directions
Dakota
[This message has been edited by Dakota (edited 01-09-2000).]
Just had to put in a few more...
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: Why don't blondes talk while having sex?
A: Their mothers told them not to talk with their mouths full.
Q: Why did the blonde have square boobs?
A: She forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
A: Tell her a joke on Friday.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write :"Please turn over" on both sides of a card.
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her driver's license?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A: Everyone gets a turn.
Q: How do you know a blonde likes you?
A: She screws you two nights in a row.
And, here's one more just for fun...
A blonde came out of a blood bank where she had just sold a pint of blood. As she is standing outside the door, counting her $20, she sees a man leaving, and he's counting $50. She asked if he had some rare blood type and was that why he got more than she did.
He said no, that he had donated sperm. The next day, the blonde went back to the blood bank. The receptionist asked if she was there to donate blood. The blonde could only shake her head as her cheeks were bulging.
Sorry, folks, I grew up as the only brunette in a houseful of blondes, (2 sisters, 2 brothers and mom) and I have heard these(and told them) most of my life. Got plenty more if you want 'em.
[This message has been edited by slutgirl (edited 01-09-2000).]
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: Why don't blondes talk while having sex?
A: Their mothers told them not to talk with their mouths full.
Q: Why did the blonde have square boobs?
A: She forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
A: Tell her a joke on Friday.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write :"Please turn over" on both sides of a card.
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her driver's license?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A: Everyone gets a turn.
Q: How do you know a blonde likes you?
A: She screws you two nights in a row.
And, here's one more just for fun...
A blonde came out of a blood bank where she had just sold a pint of blood. As she is standing outside the door, counting her $20, she sees a man leaving, and he's counting $50. She asked if he had some rare blood type and was that why he got more than she did.
He said no, that he had donated sperm. The next day, the blonde went back to the blood bank. The receptionist asked if she was there to donate blood. The blonde could only shake her head as her cheeks were bulging.
Sorry, folks, I grew up as the only brunette in a houseful of blondes, (2 sisters, 2 brothers and mom) and I have heard these(and told them) most of my life. Got plenty more if you want 'em.
[This message has been edited by slutgirl (edited 01-09-2000).]
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a
blanket for them to jump into.
The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"
The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.
"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"
"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it."
--------------
- Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? "This Goes In Front".
Blondes...
- She tripped over the cordless phone.
- It took her 4 months to figure out she could use her AM radio at night.
- She couldn't be a pharmacist because she couldn't fit the bottle into the typewriter.
blanket for them to jump into.
The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"
The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.
"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"
"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it."
--------------
- Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? "This Goes In Front".
Blondes...
- She tripped over the cordless phone.
- It took her 4 months to figure out she could use her AM radio at night.
- She couldn't be a pharmacist because she couldn't fit the bottle into the typewriter.
G
Guest
Guest
Maybe some of us more intelligent blondes really don't have an appreciation for this sort of humor. Next time, think before you post.
Why does a blonde have TGIF on her bra?
And if you're so intelligent, why don't you realize it's not personal and they are not directed at you personally? That's like me being offended by bald jokes!
If you want more, check my web page under the humor link from the main page: http://homepages.infoseek.com/~libertarianobjectivist/HumorBlond1.html
And if you're so intelligent, why don't you realize it's not personal and they are not directed at you personally? That's like me being offended by bald jokes!
If you want more, check my web page under the humor link from the main page: http://homepages.infoseek.com/~libertarianobjectivist/HumorBlond1.html
G
Guest
Guest
Just a heard a new blonde joke...
4 blondes walk into bar, tell the bartender they want shooters because they are celebrating. He brings them four shots, they raises their glasses, chant "51 days! 51 days!', and drink their drinks.
They order another round, and another, each time chanting "51 days!" and drinking.
Finally the bartender coudln't resist himself and asked..What are you celebrating?
And one blonde replied...we finished a jog-saw puzzle! And on the box it said 2-4 years!
Ba-ding!
OBE
4 blondes walk into bar, tell the bartender they want shooters because they are celebrating. He brings them four shots, they raises their glasses, chant "51 days! 51 days!', and drink their drinks.
They order another round, and another, each time chanting "51 days!" and drinking.
Finally the bartender coudln't resist himself and asked..What are you celebrating?
And one blonde replied...we finished a jog-saw puzzle! And on the box it said 2-4 years!
Ba-ding!
OBE
G
Guest
Guest
Okay, and how well received would it be if I started posting racial jokes. Substitue 'Black' for Blonde and see how funny they are. I don't see how it's any different.
Substitue 'Black' for Blonde and see how funny they are. I don't see how it's any different.
Well, that's where your reasoning falls apart, Someblonde. Cause let's face it...
1. Southern Plantation owners didn't keep Blondes in chains. Or whip them. Etc.
2. Hitler didn't burn the Blondes.
3. How often in your life have you read in the newspaper about the Blondes fighting for a Blonde homeland.
4. Saddam Hussein didn't use mustard gas against the Blonde rebels in Iraq, did he?
5. Or maybe you could tell us about the millions of Blondes that died during Pol Pot's genocide in Cambodia.
Do you see where this is going? To equate jokes about hair color (which, as my wife has so abley demonstrated in the past, can be easily changed in time it takes me to go back and forth to work) with racial slurs is maybe the biggest joke of all here.
And, please, the last thing we need on the internet is the kind of politically correct censorship that we're stuck with in American Society. I am so sick of that bullshit. I actually got shit from someone in a chat room for calling him and African-American. Please, just lighten up.
If I've said it once, I've said it 1000 times, if you can't laugh at yourself, then you ain't having fun.
Well, that's where your reasoning falls apart, Someblonde. Cause let's face it...
1. Southern Plantation owners didn't keep Blondes in chains. Or whip them. Etc.
2. Hitler didn't burn the Blondes.
3. How often in your life have you read in the newspaper about the Blondes fighting for a Blonde homeland.
4. Saddam Hussein didn't use mustard gas against the Blonde rebels in Iraq, did he?
5. Or maybe you could tell us about the millions of Blondes that died during Pol Pot's genocide in Cambodia.
Do you see where this is going? To equate jokes about hair color (which, as my wife has so abley demonstrated in the past, can be easily changed in time it takes me to go back and forth to work) with racial slurs is maybe the biggest joke of all here.
And, please, the last thing we need on the internet is the kind of politically correct censorship that we're stuck with in American Society. I am so sick of that bullshit. I actually got shit from someone in a chat room for calling him and African-American. Please, just lighten up.
If I've said it once, I've said it 1000 times, if you can't laugh at yourself, then you ain't having fun.
Xander
Rekindled
- Joined
- Dec 20, 1999
- Posts
- 17,092
Arh. C'mon Someblonde. Don't tell me you take personal offence by a few blonde jokes.
And if you want to post racial jokes. Well, fine by me. I am colored, an orinetal goock, and frankly couldn't give a damn about jokes concerning my race.
Aren't you just a little too touchy??
And if you want to post racial jokes. Well, fine by me. I am colored, an orinetal goock, and frankly couldn't give a damn about jokes concerning my race.
Aren't you just a little too touchy??
Sorry, blonde jokes don't bother me. *I'm Blonde* As lawyer jokes don't bother most lawyers.......
When you lose your ability to laugh at yourself, your lost.
Maybe, if you spent an evening with the Mistress of Darkness and MrHappy..........they'll explain them to you...
and if that don't do it then......have you met Mr. Xxplorer
When you lose your ability to laugh at yourself, your lost.
Maybe, if you spent an evening with the Mistress of Darkness and MrHappy..........they'll explain them to you...
and if that don't do it then......have you met Mr. Xxplorer
A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between ‘POTENTIAL’ and ‘REALITY’?" His father looks up thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it for you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. When your finished, come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your dad, but yes, I would." Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars,
would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. ‘POTENTIALLY’ we're sitting on two million bucks, but in ‘REALITY’, we are living with a couple of whores."
Nothing to do with blonds but funny nonetheless.
Crystal
xx
[This message has been edited by crystal (edited 01-10-2000).]
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your dad, but yes, I would." Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars,
would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. ‘POTENTIALLY’ we're sitting on two million bucks, but in ‘REALITY’, we are living with a couple of whores."
Nothing to do with blonds but funny nonetheless.
Crystal
xx
[This message has been edited by crystal (edited 01-10-2000).]
Thought I'd better give you a blond joke aswell just in case.
There was a magic mirror. If you told it the truth, it would grant you a wish. If you lied to it, it would vaporize you on the spot. One day a brunette walked up to the mirror, looked in it and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." Poof! She disappeared.
A little while later a redhead walked up to the mirror, looked in it and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." Poof! She disappeared.
Later, a blond walked up to the mirror, looked in it and said, "I think..." POOF!!
Crystal
xx
There was a magic mirror. If you told it the truth, it would grant you a wish. If you lied to it, it would vaporize you on the spot. One day a brunette walked up to the mirror, looked in it and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." Poof! She disappeared.
A little while later a redhead walked up to the mirror, looked in it and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." Poof! She disappeared.
Later, a blond walked up to the mirror, looked in it and said, "I think..." POOF!!
Crystal
xx
Beebeeblue
Wise Woman
- Joined
- Oct 4, 1999
- Posts
- 3,281
A cop driving down the highway notices a car speeding and swerving. He turns on his lights and sirens to puul the car over but the driver doesnt heed the warnings. The cop pulls up beside the car and sees a blonde woman driving and knitting at the same time.
The cop rolls his window down and yells,"PULLOVER!!!" The bloned yells back, "No...its a SCARF!!!!"
okay...so its not that funny...but i like it... : ) Happy Joking!!!
The cop rolls his window down and yells,"PULLOVER!!!" The bloned yells back, "No...its a SCARF!!!!"
okay...so its not that funny...but i like it... : ) Happy Joking!!!
Angel
Cuntbeans
- Joined
- Dec 26, 1999
- Posts
- 33,989
Although you cant' compare racial jokes with Blonde jokes, in my opinion they are all perfectly harmless as long as they are told in fun. It's different when they are told maliciously.
I'm somewhat blonde, (My hair was white-blonde until i was 15, now it's brown with blonde highlights) and I've always thought they were funny as hell.
I think Chris Rock and Martin Lawrence's jokes about white people are also funny as hell and as a white person I am not at all offended by them. In fact I see truth in the humor. And growing up in a mostly black neighborhood and attending a mostly black and hispanic school, none of my friends were offended by ethnic jokes when we we just playing around.
As long as a joke about a group of people isn't told maliciously, it's harmless. And the racial ones are possibly even better, because they honestly DO take some of the tension off of race relations in this country.
I'm somewhat blonde, (My hair was white-blonde until i was 15, now it's brown with blonde highlights) and I've always thought they were funny as hell.
I think Chris Rock and Martin Lawrence's jokes about white people are also funny as hell and as a white person I am not at all offended by them. In fact I see truth in the humor. And growing up in a mostly black neighborhood and attending a mostly black and hispanic school, none of my friends were offended by ethnic jokes when we we just playing around.
As long as a joke about a group of people isn't told maliciously, it's harmless. And the racial ones are possibly even better, because they honestly DO take some of the tension off of race relations in this country.
Jokes are jokes. people need to lighten up.
He he he just thought i would put my 2 sents in
here are afew funny ones. Not really jokes but.... Not about blonds neither
There was a young man named Mick
Who fancied himself rather slick.
He went to a ball
Dressed in nothing at all
But a big velvit bow round his prick.
There once was a girl named Louise
Whose cunt-hair hung down to her knees.
The crabs in her twat
Tied the hair in a not,
And constructed a flying trapeze.
There was an old lady from Wheeling
Who had a peculiar feeling,
She laid on her back
And opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling
Dakota LOL
He he he just thought i would put my 2 sents in
here are afew funny ones. Not really jokes but.... Not about blonds neither
There was a young man named Mick
Who fancied himself rather slick.
He went to a ball
Dressed in nothing at all
But a big velvit bow round his prick.
There once was a girl named Louise
Whose cunt-hair hung down to her knees.
The crabs in her twat
Tied the hair in a not,
And constructed a flying trapeze.
There was an old lady from Wheeling
Who had a peculiar feeling,
She laid on her back
And opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling
Dakota LOL
*Eve*
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Oct 20, 1999
- Posts
- 2,086
Someblonde, you're right if you substituted black for blonde, but perhaps you are oversimplifying the issue. As Lasher pointed out, it's not the same thing at all. As a black woman, I have heard black jokes and it's really all in how you take it or the intent of the teller of the joke. Hell yea blonde jokes are funny, but I laugh at the brunett jokes just as hard. Lighten up, I believe Deborah is a blonde, and she's the one who started the thread, we have to learn to laugh at ourselves sometimes, but in fairness to the blondes who may be offended by these jokes here's a brunette joke, one I'm sure you've all heard before but here goes anyway:
What's the difference between a brunette and trash?
Trash gets taken out once a week.
What's the difference between a brunette and trash?
Trash gets taken out once a week.
Here's one I just heard (now all the Catholics will be pissed at me)...
A blonde (you could tell, she had a bad habit) nun entered a cab and the driver was staring at her. She asked him why he was staring and he answered, "I want to ask you a question but I don't want to offend you."
She replied, "You can't offend me. Not as old as I am and as long as I have been a nun. I have heard just about everything."
"Well, Sister," the cab driver said, "I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."
The nun responded, "Let's see if we can't work this out. You have to be single and have to be Catholic or I simply can't suck your dick."
"Oh, I am single and I am Catholic!" the cabbie exclaimed.
"OK, pull into that alley," and he did. The nun went down on him and back on the street again, the cab driver started crying and she asked, "My child, what is the matter?"
He cried, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied. I'm married and I'm Jewish.
She laughed, "That's OK. My name is Steve and I'm on my way to a costume party.
A blonde (you could tell, she had a bad habit) nun entered a cab and the driver was staring at her. She asked him why he was staring and he answered, "I want to ask you a question but I don't want to offend you."
She replied, "You can't offend me. Not as old as I am and as long as I have been a nun. I have heard just about everything."
"Well, Sister," the cab driver said, "I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."
The nun responded, "Let's see if we can't work this out. You have to be single and have to be Catholic or I simply can't suck your dick."
"Oh, I am single and I am Catholic!" the cabbie exclaimed.
"OK, pull into that alley," and he did. The nun went down on him and back on the street again, the cab driver started crying and she asked, "My child, what is the matter?"
He cried, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied. I'm married and I'm Jewish.
She laughed, "That's OK. My name is Steve and I'm on my way to a costume party.
