Birth Control +/- Condoms

[sexychik69]

Some of you know that my sweetie is visiting in March... well, he wants me to be on birth control, which is fine (as long as I don't gain back my 10 pounds I've already lost! lol) but the problem is that he still wants to wear a condom while we have sex.

I know birth control isn't 100%, neither is a condom because there can be tears, it can slip off, etc. He's wanting to be EXTRA careful, and use a condom AND me be on birth control pills at the same time, which is responsible, I know.

But he's told me that the main reason is because he's so scared, since he was younger it's been drilled into his head "NEVER without a condom, NEVER without birth control or you'll 100% have a kid!!!!!" basically, which isn't what I want at all, I'm WAY too young for that at this point in my life.

The thing is that I really would like to experience him even just ONCE without a condom, I want him to feel it and I want to feel it as well... I know that most women can't even tell the difference (I honestly can't really), but it's just the fact that he won't even come near my pussy without one on. He won't rub his cock on my pussy lips, he won't let me rub his cum on my lips or ANYWHERE near my pussy, I think he's even nervous about cumming in my ass because it might drip into my pussy. I understand all of these fears, yes, but is there any way that I can (sensitively) reassure him that it would be okay at least just once?

It's more of an emotional thing with me, I really want to experience him in that way because I don't know when I will again after March (we have a long-distance relationship), and I don't want us to look back and have to say we never FELT each other in the way that a woman and a man is meant to.

Any advice? Anything... I don't know how to talk to him about this.

*Sorry this is so long, but you have no idea how much it means that you read it (((((hugs)))))*

 

[BurgerFuhrer]

Well I used to be scared shitless not using a condom, but one day when we had none, my girlfriend started rubbing my cock against her pussy and before we knew it I was in. I made sure I didn't cum inside her, but I was still scared. Thankfully nothing happened and she's on the pill now. Getting a woman pregnant is apparently supposed to be hard, although accidental pregnancies happen, I don't think it's that easy? I'm not 100% sure on this, but if you're on the pill, he shouldn't worry about a condom. If he's that concerned, at least talk him into having sex without a condom, but ejaculating elsewhere?

 

[sexychik69]

Well I used to be scared shitless not using a condom, but one day when we had none, my girlfriend started rubbing my cock against her pussy and before we knew it I was in. I made sure I didn't cum inside her, but I was still scared. Thankfully nothing happened and she's on the pill now. Getting a woman pregnant is apparently supposed to be hard, although accidental pregnancies happen, I don't think it's that easy? I'm not 100% sure on this, but if you're on the pill, he shouldn't worry about a condom. If he's that concerned, at least talk him into having sex without a condom, but ejaculating elsewhere?

Thanks, I'll try that. It was nice to get a male response to this, I'm glad that you responded... I figured males would probably understand his side more than mine, which is what I was trying to figure out.

Thanks again.

 

[SweetErika]

Provided his cock has NO semen on it, and there's none in his urethra that could mix with pre-cum (so he hasn't ejaculated via sex or masturbation recently), he can safely put it in you, but not ejaculate. We've had sex, only putting a condom on when we got to a point where he was going to need one soon for years, and it hasn't resulted in pregnancy (and it won't since semen isn't getting near my vagina).

So, maybe he's willing to do it for a very short time or something if there's no chance of either of you having an STD or infection.

However, I'd encourage you to think about how enjoyable it'll be for him if he's worried (he might also be concerned he won't be able to stop/pull out in time, won't get a condom on before he comes, stopping to put a condom on will diminish mutual pleasure, or he won't last long enough without a condom - all of those things can/do happen). And how good will it be for you if you know he's anxious and/or he's not getting as much pleasure because he's thinking about and trying to pull out in time? It just seems like if it's a huge deal for him to use condoms, the tension caused by trying to talk him out of it and anxiety he'll experience might not be worth it.

 

[sexychik69]

Provided his cock has NO semen on it, and there's none in his urethra that could mix with pre-cum (so he hasn't ejaculated via sex or masturbation recently), he can safely put it in you, but not ejaculate. We've had sex, only putting a condom on when we got to a point where he was going to need one soon for years, and it hasn't resulted in pregnancy (and it won't since semen isn't getting near my vagina).

So, maybe he's willing to do it for a very short time or something if there's no chance of either of you having an STD or infection.

However, I'd encourage you to think about how enjoyable it'll be for him if he's worried (he might also be concerned he won't be able to stop/pull out in time, won't get a condom on before he comes, stopping to put a condom on will diminish mutual pleasure, or he won't last long enough without a condom - all of those things can/do happen). And how good will it be for you if you know he's anxious and/or he's not getting as much pleasure because he's thinking about and trying to pull out in time? It just seems like if it's a huge deal for him to use condoms, the tension caused by trying to talk him out of it and anxiety he'll experience might not be worth it.

That's very true... I realize how, well, selfish my post sounded... I understand his concern because he knows he's not ready to get me pregnant, partly because of his parents, and partly because I'm still in school and he knows that I don't want a child until after I graduate. I hope that someday we can have sex without a condom, besides when we're trying to conceive... until then though I'll probably just have to deal with it.

I think the real problem I have is that the fact that he's so afraid makes me feel... I don't know... dirty. Like he's not allowed to touch me there and doesn't want to break the rule. I know that's sort of silly, but it sometimes makes me feel terrible about wanting him inside me at all - he's pretty religious but is willing to have sex with me before we're married, so I guess I think that if he's willing to do that then why not go all out and feel me as if most married couples do? Maybe that's stupid. Any advice on how I can deal with this?

 

[tanyachrs]

I don't mean to be harsh, but maybe he knows something about where his dick has been that you don't. I think I'd never say no to someone who was suggesting a condom.

 

[sexychik69]

I don't mean to be harsh, but maybe he knows something about where his dick has been that you don't. I think I'd never say no to someone who was suggesting a condom.

He's a virgin, no worries about STD's.

 

[INeedLove]

He's a virgin, no worries about STD's.

YIPES!!! Please be sure to understand exactly what he means when he says he is a virgin! For some people, that might mean no penetration has occurred but oral has or heavy petting with genital to genital contact. There are STD's that can be contracted via oral or simple rubbing against genital skin (herpes in both examples).

For your own sake, please have him wear the condom. The only way to know he or you don't have an STD is to be tested. As a virgin he should still be tested. Have them include a herpes test for each of you. There are lots of people who have herpes but don't realize it. The virus can shed without any outside noticable lesions. HIV is another unseen STD.

Better safe than sorry. Some STDs can last a lifetime.

 

[glynndah]

He's trying to protect you and himself by using a condom. Try reversing the situation. Would you feel comfortable with someone pressuring you to have sex without a condom? Who insisted it would be okay "just this once" or just part of the time, even though that made you very nervous?
I think I'd respect his feelings on this, especially during his first time. Later on in the relationship his attitude may change. He may relax and feel more open and trusting of you. Unless you think you're only going to get one shot at this...?

 

[SweetErika]

That's very true... I realize how, well, selfish my post sounded... I understand his concern because he knows he's not ready to get me pregnant, partly because of his parents, and partly because I'm still in school and he knows that I don't want a child until after I graduate. I hope that someday we can have sex without a condom, besides when we're trying to conceive... until then though I'll probably just have to deal with it.

It doesn't strike me as selfish, but a little short-sighted.

Admittedly, I'm a little confused about your posts. In the first, you talk about 'just once because you don't want to regret never having done it' yet here you're talking about when you have a child together. So, if you're so certain you'll build a life and get pregnant together, isn't it fair to put off ditching the condoms until you're both ready for the possibility of a pregnancy, or at least more secure in the relationship and can deal with one?

I think the real problem I have is that the fact that he's so afraid makes me feel... I don't know... dirty. Like he's not allowed to touch me there and doesn't want to break the rule.

It sounds to me like he's honoring a mutual desire to prevent the possibility of an unplanned pregnancy, which is positive, not negative like not being allowed to do something.

It might be helpful for you to talk to yourself about the facts versus what you perceive or feel. If he touches you with his hands and mouth in an enthusiastic and loving way, what does that say? Is he not touching your pussy with his cock because he doesn't want to, or is it because he fears the consequences of doing so?

I know that's sort of silly, but it sometimes makes me feel terrible about wanting him inside me at all

Again, it sounds like you're reasoning from how you feel, instead of what you think. I have a tendency to do that too - many of us do, and it's not particularly healthy or productive. I'm not quite understanding what makes you feel terrible though. If it's that he wants to stick to condoms, I'd say that's a loving act and would make me feel valued. If it's that you don't, I'd say give yourself a break because there's nothing wrong with having desires - it's what you do with them that's important.

he's pretty religious but is willing to have sex with me before we're married, so I guess I think that if he's willing to do that then why not go all out and feel me as if most married couples do?

I'm guessing because there's a very big difference between having sex--something that you both want--and risking pregnancy, which is something that you both DON'T want, in his mind.

You know, maybe instead of seeing this as a negative you can turn it into something positive and to really look forward to. When we got married we had already been living together for years and having sex for the duration of the relationship, so there wasn't anything different about being married really. Perhaps you can use condomless sex as one of those distinguishing acts, something you both are excited about doing once you get married and/or decide it's the right time for you.

I hope you don't take any of this the wrong way, Sweetie. I don't think your POV is unjustified or you're wrong; it just sounds like this is causing you heartache and I think there's a way around that if you're willing to work on it and change the way you're dealing with it.

 

[cele2flowers]

Without reading all the other responses, I'm just going to ask why you want to pressure the poor guy into sex without a condom? You realize that the fear and nervousness that he might feel WITHOUT the condom may kill any arousal he might have, right? I mean, some guys can be hard and ready to go until you mention the nasty "c" word and it's limp city from there on out. I'd be overjoyed to have a guy that insists on wearing a condom, regardless if it's for birth control OR for STD protection. I'm on the pill and have still requested that a condom be worn. Granted, I haven't done that every time I've had sex and haven't gotten pregnant, but nothing's 100%.

And if you're just going on the pill, you really should give it a few months before relying on it as your sole birth control option. Some pills won't work for you and the doctor will have to prescribe something else. Doesn't happen like that all of the time, but it does happen.

 

[tanyachrs]

He's a virgin

Me too!

 

[sexychik69]

Unless you think you're only going to get one shot at this...?

Pretty much, yeah. Neither of us are sure when/if we're going to get to see each other again, but March is planned, tickets bought, etc.

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Thanks everyone for your help.

 

[an_angels_wings]

Interesting ...

This is really interesting because I just got out of a mostly long-distance relationship. They're incredibly hard, especially when you're sexually intimate.

I can understand your desire to feel him uninhibited, but it seems more that you're self-conscious about him not being comfortable with your vagina. Does he go down on you? Finger you? I mean, any sort of bodily love is a sign that he's not too wary about it, he's just scared about getting you pregnant and having to deal with those consequences.

You're right, neither birth control or condom usage is a 100% guarantee against pregnancy; and, virgin or not, STIs should still be a concern, especially depending on your sexual past (oral and whatnot; and yes, I know you said he's a virgin). I would wait it out I think. I would especially not pressure him into it, because he may finally decide to do it with you without a condom simply because he wants to make you happy. Personally, I felt somewhat pressured into doing several things with my last boyfriend because, hey, I loved him, so why did I have a problem with it? He needs to be comfortable with it. If he's so scared and if you two are that involved, it shouldn't be too much of a problem to wait it out. I saw that you expressed a concern that you might never see each other again after this, or it might not work out or whatever — I know this may seem to you like a one-time opportunity to get what it is you want sexually ... but isn't it also a perfect reason to not have sex without a condom? Like others said, some birth control pills take a while to become effective and even so, I would be incredibly wary. In my book, if semen is entering me, there's a chance I'll get pregnant.

If you're still worried he's scared of your "womanly area," try talking to him about it. It might not be easy and you might feel embarrassed or whatever, but once it gets sorted, you'll feel closer also. I'd also recommend not trying to pressure him into it; if it does end up being a one-time thing, enjoy the fact that you did get to see each other and explore than experience. At least you're getting to see him, right?

Having booked tickets, etc., already makes things feel less terrible in a LDR ... because there's a definite date to look forward to when seeing each other again. And communication is essential ... so spread your wings, girlie! =)

 

[Cardinalduke]

I have more or less the same concerns as this man does.

I personally don't want to have children period. But of course I plan to continue being sexually active. For me it is more a consideration of what would happen if a woman I am with did get pregnant. It would depend largely on what we agreed to do in that case. In any event, I can't find any justification not to use two good methods. We just need more highly effective methods imo! So many couples face unplanned pregnancies and literally have no plan. At the very least I let my partners know my views on it directly so that there is some sort of plan if the unexpected happened.

I personally would respect his wishes and use at least two good methods. If they perfect a male birth control pill in the next year or two, at least there will be more options for disease free monogomous individuals. As it stands I think he is simply being responsible.

 

[KokopelliRises]

I read your post and it made me nervous. Despite what anybody has said to the contrary, both condoms and birth control pills have a high effectiveness, if they are used right. They have an even better rate if they are used together. I can understand what you are saying about wanting to not do it with a condom, but your bf does have a point. If pregnancy is not part of your plans, within say, the next five years or so, I would take it safe and use both, rather than ending up pregnant and having to choose what to do with a virtually unwanted child.

 

[Lioness]

It sounds to me like you have one heck of a boyfriend, girl. He is more worried about you and apparently loves you more than you could ever realize. He could hear your desires and say, "hell, yeah!" Majority probably would. I say probably.

He is trying to be responsible for you and himself. Just the mere suggestion of having protection to keep you safe should make you realize, you are first and he wants to protect you above all else.

Sex is marvelous... but it is mind blowing... heaven scent, when it is with someone you love and you know loves you.

Just something to consider.

 

[Chicklet]

He's a virgin, no worries about STD's.

i might suggest just doing it with a condom for a while since he's a virgin... maybe he'll open up a little more and be more willing to experiment after all the initial firsts are out of the way?