Bickering

[Lucifer_Carroll]

Had an ironical bout of bickering with my SO this evening. It was on the meaning of the idea of bickering. Cue laughter and moments of what the fuck.

Okay, story fill in time. She tells me she is worried because we "bicker" too much. To her this meant that she has been angry with me and hasn't told me. Now truth be told I can be a right pillock and haven mined some of her recent angerings, she has had me dead-to-rights on some slip-ups, mostly dealing with occassions where I forget to use tact (engineer mind bad juujuu in interpersonal relations). On the level not bad, but initially I felt angry because I take bickering to mean arguing and angry arguing to boot(pots and pans flying, names called, and doors slammed). I felt the accusation unfair and a bit cold as the last thing I want to be is the guy who keeps bickering with his lady. I like to place some pride in avoiding getting angry and instead being supportive and ferreting the accuracy of the complaint against me and overall seeing what I can do to placate. I had up until tonight been feeling relatively good about my ability to do this. I had believed myself supportive and so accusations of bickering seemed harsh.

And so we bickered over a silly semantic leaving me feeling a right pillock and drenched in irony besides.

Anyway, the question is this: What do you imagine bickering to be? Is it a flaming row, any type of argument, some type of pre-argument, or any situation that could be an argument? What images are raised in your mind when you think of bickering?

 

[neonlyte]

Cannot stand it to be honest Luc. Pretty certain my aversion stems from teenage years and the sniping and argueing of my parents before they divorced.

For years I've done anything to avoid 'bickering', not realising it is sometimes the only way to take the edge of a situation that may have the potential to get out of hand. My SO and daughter are world bickering champions - theirs always ends in kisses and cuddles - I used to find it hard to take. In their case, it is 'clear the air' bickering, has a point, which eventually surfaces, gets aired, and resolved. The SO's bickering with me tends to be about the little things - I say they don't matter in the scheme of things, she says they do, and ultimately add to a big list of little things. So I've changed, under advice from a family friend who works in Psychiatry, and we now thrash out the little things. Scared the hell out of the SO when she heard my big list of little things, things I'd accepted as part of my marriage bargain, things I could live with even though they annoyed. Hey and things are better, not that they were ever bad.

Bickering has to have a purpose and not be used as an excuse to snipe or undermine, if it doesn't have an aim, it's just storing trouble, and that may erupt with unforseen and terminal consequence.

2p worth.

 

[BikeWriter]

Anyway, the question is this: What do you imagine bickering to be? Is it a flaming row, any type of argument, some type of pre-argument, or any situation that could be an argument? What images are raised in your mind when you think of bickering?

My wife of fifteen years left six years ago. Her definition of reality and mine differed more than I was aware of.

 

[impressive]

Interesting.

I don't consider bickering to be an all-out fight, nor does it have to be fueled by anger. Annoyance, yes.

I am a seriously non-confrontational person in that I go to great lengths to avoid face-to-face verbal assault ('cause when I do cut loose, I take no prisoners). That being said, I do not want someone to just "placate" me by backing away from discussion of a touchy subject. All that does is drive the issue inside where it'll simmer until it becomes a bigger issue.

I'm of the opinion that mature individuals who respect one another can calmly discuss any subject without it escalating into a "fight." It's not always easy or painless, but it's doable. The trick is to recognize that point of departure & pull it back on track. Once sniping & shouting begin, neither party's really listening.

 

[Guest]

bickering is the first rung of the ladder to hell. it is insidious and takes firm hold. once it does, it seems to steam roll if not stopped at once.
isnt bickering a sign? reading those signs can be difficult but as programmers say:
if
then
else
its like the first sign of a cold. take something to ease the symptoms/fight off the cold until things get better.

ohmigod!
im full of cliche analogies this morning.

 

[Recidiva]

I think in this context I'd think of bickering as facing off on two different sides of an issue, more like orbiting the issue and staying equidistant, never trying to get to the heart of it, but instead using it almost as comic material. I only do this if it's fun. My husband and I are opposite on so many things and we've developed bickering like this (politics, attitudes and otherwise) more as a dance and practice of verbal skills. We don't agree, but we enjoy sparks sometimes. This can be fun, and for us it doesn't get mean or hurtful. I can't bear that.

But if I'm serious, I don't raise my voice or I don't throw things. When I have to get his attention because I need to somehow meet somewhere, anywhere, on an issue, and stop dancing around it, I have to say so calmly, approach it with infinite patience, and be prepared for him to think this is a personal assault. I need to be the peacemaker and make clear that compromise will have to happen on my part also, for us to meet somewhere in the middle.

I'd have to say that most of my partners think of compromise as a loss of integrity instead of something you have to do at times in your life in order to remove obstacles from attaining shared goals.

 

[pop_54]

Had an ironical bout of bickering with my SO this evening. It was on the meaning of the idea of bickering. Cue laughter and moments of what the fuck.

Okay, story fill in time. She tells me she is worried because we "bicker" too much. To her this meant that she has been angry with me and hasn't told me. Now truth be told I can be a right pillock and haven mined some of her recent angerings, she has had me dead-to-rights on some slip-ups, mostly dealing with occassions where I forget to use tact (engineer mind bad juujuu in interpersonal relations). On the level not bad, but initially I felt angry because I take bickering to mean arguing and angry arguing to boot(pots and pans flying, names called, and doors slammed). I felt the accusation unfair and a bit cold as the last thing I want to be is the guy who keeps bickering with his lady. I like to place some pride in avoiding getting angry and instead being supportive and ferreting the accuracy of the complaint against me and overall seeing what I can do to placate. I had up until tonight been feeling relatively good about my ability to do this. I had believed myself supportive and so accusations of bickering seemed harsh.

And so we bickered over a silly semantic leaving me feeling a right pillock and drenched in irony besides.

Anyway, the question is this: What do you imagine bickering to be? Is it a flaming row, any type of argument, some type of pre-argument, or any situation that could be an argument? What images are raised in your mind when you think of bickering?

Bickering is the sniping and silliness that is a prelude to a full on argument unless the pair of you/us come to your/our senses and burst out laughing at your/our silliness in good time to avoid a fully fledged slanging match... I my case I know when it's gone beyond the edge... she hits me.

 

[neonlyte]

Bickering is the sniping and silliness that is a prelude to a full on argument unless the pair of you/us come to your/our senses and burst out laughing at your/our silliness in good time to avoid a fully fledged slanging match... I my case I know when it's gone beyond the edge... she hits me.

That explains the eye patch

How are you, you old bastage (to use a Vellaism), met the wife recently, she said you were well.

 

[pop_54]

That explains the eye patch

How are you, you old bastage (to use a Vellaism), met the wife recently, she said you were well.

Lo mate Yes I think she said she'd bumped into you How's you doing??

(I was actually standing behind her at the puter )

 

[oggbashan]

What you describe sounds more like a malfunction in communication rather than bickering.

The two of you are expressing yourselves in different languages, thinking each other understands, until a crisis precipitates a realisation that neither appreciates how the other is feeling.

Og's proffered remedy:

Take time out to discuss the mechanics of communication, preferably in a neutral venue such as walking in a park. Redefine your mutual expectations and agree a way that each of you can signal that there is a problem without causing confrontation.

Recognise that both of you need to listen, both of you have good and bad times for communication, and that the best time to discuss problems is when neither is stressed by daily life.

I hope that helps.

Og

 

[Pure]

i associate the term more with the unproductive or diversionary exchanges. i agree with bike's post about 'different realities,' but it's common between males and females generally, and thus in staying-together couples.

unfortunately many cliches about marital communication are true--excuse me, my dear women friends--but a 'wife' will often bicker when there's something else on her mind. perhaps that's your situation. that would mean that the complaint has another dimension of reality to it, some desire or need not addressed (hence the 'bicker' complaint, which reallys says 'my desire/need is not acknowledged or addressed.' (of course men deal with the deeper issues by shutting up, going on 'business trips' and whatever; a male 'bicker' is often some attempt to force lots of precision to the other's complaint or view [is what you're trying to say, ...?], so much so that the other becomes annoyed)

 

[Liar]

It may be my seecond-language grasp of English, but to me 'bickering' is just one step away from 'banter'. It's banter about differing opinions. Amusing as long as it's kept fresh. Annoying once repetitive.

Are my semantics askew there?

 

[Pure]

yep, a bit askew

the phrase 'friendly banter' is common. 'friendly bickering' much less so. though of course friends do bicker--e.g., argue back and forth about whether "Syriana" is a great movie.

often, of course, nothing monumental is at stake (that's a connotation of the term)--as in the example: what does it matter if Syriana is great or merely good or mediocre.

 

[TheEarl]

I'd say bickering is one step down (or up, depending on which way you look at it) from passive-aggressiving. It's a method of reacting to a difference of opinion that gets it out in the open, but doesn't solve it the way that an argument or discussion does.

Just my crazy definition.

The Earl

 

[3113]

I came from parents who screamed. They didn't throw things, but they screamed at the top of their lungs. Both parents had terrible, hair-trigger tempers--and when they were afraid, they went into instant defensive mode. My husband, on the other hand, came from a family where voices were rarely raised except in real anger. His mother never shouted or screamed at him.

One day I got into a screaming argument with my father. I was VERY upset. Somewhere along the way, my oblivious father realized I was really upset and said, "Families scream at each other. That's what they do." Which was when I realized that he took screaming as normal.

My husband, however, on the one occassion I got mad enough to scream at him said: "There's never any reason to scream or raise your voice. We can work it out without screaming." Being that I hated the way my parents screamed at each other, the way they required others to shout and scream in order to be taken seriously in an argument, I agreed with my husband. I try to avoid the habits of my upbringing; no screaming.

And when you don't scream, you begin to realize that in most cases, raised voices are either trying to shout/drown out the opposition to prove that they're right (most men) or they are shouting to be heard. They feel that they're not being taken seriously or being listened to if they don't shout (most women).

But here's the point: this isn't a conflict of definition between a man and a woman. It's a conflict of definition given upbringing. In some families it's so common to scream, throw things and have violent temper tantrums that this comes across as the norm. So if the family is shouting at the top of their lungs, insulting each other (but not throwing pots and pans) it's "bickering." In other families, voices are kept low and disagreements are civil. When the voices get a bit louder, that's "Bickering" and when they start to shriek that's a "screaming argument," a shouting match.

"Bickering" by definition is a small argument. Doesn't mean the voices aren't raised, but there is back and forth, some anger, but mostly heated discussion over a small disagreement. GENERALLY speaking, if you're shouting and throwing things, that's not anything so mild as "bickering." That's an all out argument. An altercation, a fight, a blow-up.