Bi curious, keep it secret from her?

[lm2000]

thanks for the advice.

 

[wicked woman]

Absolutely don't keep it a secret from her, especially if based on your post you intend to continue to have sex with others (whether male or female).

I don't know how I'd feel if a SO told me he was bi-curious or bisexual but I can tell you I'd be livid if he was having sex with others and I was under the impression we were in a monogamous relationship! To risk my health and breach my trust would both be biggies for me. Besides, if he'd talked to me we could have discussed how that could happen safely and without breaching my trust.

Even if not for her (which frankly should be enough in my opinion) do you really want to live your life with her with this size of a secret? If she's not going to accept all of you wouldn't you rather know now? And besides, she might surprise you.

As for how to tell her...perhaps you can bring the subject up in a less personal manner. If you see mention of a man that's bi-curious in the movies, newspaper, article, TV show that's an opening to discuss it and see what her thoughts are on it. Some people have suggested finding a story on Lit that deals with the subject that you want to discuss and have the person read it as an opener for discussion.

Any ways...good luck.

 

[lm2000]

Absolutely don't keep it a secret from her, especially if based on your post you intend to continue to have sex with others (whether male or female).

I don't know how I'd feel if a SO told me he was bi-curious or bisexual but I can tell you I'd be livid if he was having sex with others and I was under the impression we were in a monogamous relationship! To risk my health and breach my trust would both be biggies for me. Besides, if he'd talked to me we could have discussed how that could happen safely and without breaching my trust.

Ëven if not for her (which frankly should be enough in my opinion) do you really want to live your life with her with this size of a secret? If she's not going to accept all of you wouldn't you rather know now? And besides, she might surprise you.

As for how to tell her...perhaps you can bring the subject up in a less personal manner. If you see mention of a man that's bi-curious in the movies, newspaper, article, TV show that's and opening to discuss it and see what her thoughts are on it. Some people have suggested finding a story on Lit that deals with the subject that you want to discuss and have the person read it as an opener for discussion.

Any ways...good luck.

I know i feel really really guilty about it, even though i somehow tried to rationalize it to myself that its slightly better because it wasnt a woman. I know thats bullshit.

As for telling her, i think youre right, but i mean i dont want to lose her either.

However i think youre right that if im going to marry her it might be something i should tell her now before we get that far.

Problem is her sexual confidence is already shaky because i have more experience than her, im worried this will shatter it and she will think she "cant please me like a man can" which no matter how much i reassure her she would nt believe me.

 

[GentleSub_Ivy]

xxxxx

 

[lm2000]

As someone who is holding this secret in my advice is TALK TO HER NOW! I don't mean to sound rude. I didn't realize I was truly bi until after my marriage and now I'm afraid I'm going to hurt someone I love dearly. For your sake and hers please don't keep this secret in. It will tear you apart later on. I know this may sound trite but if she is truly the woman for you she will understand.

Ivy

Crap.

Easier said than done.

 

[wicked woman]

I know i feel really really guilty about it, even though i somehow tried to rationalize it to myself that its slightly better because it wasnt a woman. I know thats bullshit.

As for telling her, i think youre right, but i mean i dont want to lose her either.

However i think youre right that if im going to marry her it might be something i should tell her now before we get that far.

Problem is her sexual confidence is already shaky because i have more experience than her, im worried this will shatter it and she will think she "cant please me like a man can" which no matter how much i reassure her she would nt believe me.

It's complex Im2000. She may think it's different because it wasn't another woman. It's been my experience that sex with a woman is very different than with a man. I also know there are some male/female couples who agree that it's alright for one or both of them to have sex with another person as long as it's the same sex. Problem is you don't know how she'll feel until you talk to her about it.

I hear you about your concern how she will respond, especially if she's not particularly sexually open, experienced, or confident. I'm sorry I don't have any advice on that point but I'm sure some others will have some excellent ideas. My gut reaction is that your sexual orientation is about you not her. It's not something you can change. Whether you act on it is a different matter. But that you're sexually attracted to both men and woman is no reflection on your girlfriend. It's just who you are. Has absolutely nothing to do with how well she pleases you. Helping her realize that is something else though.

 

[lm2000]

Crap.

Easier said than done.

What about all the married men who are bi, or who have experimented before? I think theres more out there than would seem.

Do they manage healthy relationships even if they are bi and their partner doesnt know?

 

[Eilan]

What about all the married men who are bi, or who have experimented before? I think theres more out there than would seem.

Do they manage healthy relationships even if they are bi and their partner doesnt know?

Seems to me like someone's looking for validation, not advice.

 

[Cathleen]

You absolutely have to tell her in my opinion. Secrets kill relationships, communication builds them stronger. If you can't or won't be the whole you then you're cheating on her as well as yourself. I'm sure you're scared but you have to do this. If you're serious about her then do right by her. Be honest, she deserves it.

You have to figure out what you do receive from male-male relationships. Are you wanting to have a sexual relationship only with a man, do you want to have a love relationship? These are things you need to get clear on before talking with her.

Once you figure out what you seek be honest with her. As for her inexperience, do keep reassuring her, do keep telling her she pleases you. You know the conversation will be difficult so do your best to communicate your love for her, with words and touch. Be gentle with yourself as well as her.

All the best to you both.

 

[lm2000]

thanks for the advice.

 

[lm2000]

You have to figure out what you do receive from male-male relationships. Are you wanting to have a sexual relationship only with a man, do you want to have a love relationship? These are things you need to get clear on before talking with her.

Okay, this is one thing i know plain and simple:

Purely sexual. I like my penis, i think its fun to play with. I feel the same way about other men's penises. I'm not attracted to men in a traditional physical sense (looks), I just think dicks are hot. Period, end of story.

 

[wicked woman]

Well put wicked.

Hmm...problem is she can be stubborn too. She's very intelligent, and I know what her most likely reactions would be:

1. How can I ever compete with a man on a sexual level?
2. Our sex will seem boring to you now, or: is our sex boring to you?
3. She will forever wonder if she can keep me happy sexually.

That being said, I can give some more info that should help with anyone who has more experience or advice on this subject:

I also worry if she will see me differently as a person if she knew I were bi. I suppose that would be natural. But im worried she will see me in a negative light. Maybe more affeminate or less masculine, which would suck because she's very attracted to my masculinity and masculine men. But can a BI man be truly masculine in todays society once you know he has fooled around with other men? Im not sure entirely how she feels about gay men. We have mutual gay friends (she doesnt like him because he hits on me).

She's also semi-possesive, not to the point where its a problem for me, i dont mind it makes me feel wanted. But if she knew that I liked the opposite sex too, i dont know if she could handle the potential jealous thoughts. I could see her watching me more closely to see if i check out a man, for example.

Honestly I think your situation is bigger than just telling her that you're bi-curious. I don't hear you saying anything to suggest you don't plan on acting on that and based on your last post, you'll need another discussion on having a non-monogamous relationship.

Communication, communication, communication.

 

[Cathleen]

Well put wicked.

Hmm...problem is she can be stubborn too. She's very intelligent, and I know what her most likely reactions would be:

1. How can I ever compete with a man on a sexual level?
2. Our sex will seem boring to you now, or: is our sex boring to you?
3. She will forever wonder if she can keep me happy sexually.

That being said, I can give some more info that should help with anyone who has more experience or advice on this subject:

I also worry if she will see me differently as a person if she knew I were bi. I suppose that would be natural. But im worried she will see me in a negative light. Maybe more affeminate or less masculine, which would suck because she's very attracted to my masculinity and masculine men. But can a BI man be truly masculine in todays society once you know he has fooled around with other men? Im not sure entirely how she feels about gay men. We have mutual gay friends (she doesnt like him because he hits on me).

She's also semi-possesive, not to the point where its a problem for me, i dont mind it makes me feel wanted. But if she knew that I liked the opposite sex too, i dont know if she could handle the potential jealous thoughts. I could see her watching me more closely to see if i check out a man, for example.

Absolutely to everything you stated. Of course she'll look at you differently -- for a while. Of course she'll feel insecure -- for a while.

As WW said so well:

My gut reaction is that your sexual orientation is about you not her. It's not something you can change. Whether you act on it is a different matter. But that you're sexually attracted to both men and woman is no reflection on your girlfriend. It's just who you are. Has absolutely nothing to do with how well she pleases you. Helping her realize that is something else though.

This isn't about all of society, it's you and she, thinking bigger is only going to make you more nervous. Masculinity or femininity comes from far more than orientation.

 

[lm2000]

thanks for the advice.

 

[lm2000]

As someone who is holding this secret in my advice is TALK TO HER NOW! I don't mean to sound rude. I didn't realize I was truly bi until after my marriage and now I'm afraid I'm going to hurt someone I love dearly. For your sake and hers please don't keep this secret in. It will tear you apart later on. I know this may sound trite but if she is truly the woman for you she will understand.

Ivy

I know youre right about this. But all my mind is doing is creating more and more excuses why I cant or shouldnt tell her.

My gut says youre right, 100%. But I dont want to lose her either, she's 99% perfect. The only thing she may not have is the willingness to accept this part of me. I dont know.

 

[lm2000]

Also we're both so young, it seems from what ive read on lit and other sources a woman is far more likely to be accepting of this at a later age. Maybe im wrong.

 

[midwestyankee]

Also we're both so young, it seems from what ive read on lit and other sources a woman is far more likely to be accepting of this at a later age. Maybe im wrong.

It wouldn't matter if there had never been another woman in history who had responded well to such news - what matters is how your one woman responds. And it's not entirely fair to pre-judge her response, no matter what your fears and concerns might be.

Right now you seem to be far more afraid of losing her than anything else. But do you want her on this basis? She doesn't know the real you, so whatever feelings she has for you are based on only part of the story. That doesn't sound like a very mature or solid basis for a long-term relationship.

Sorry, but my two cents date back a long, long ways and what with inflation...they're worth just a tad more these days.

 

[lm2000]

It wouldn't matter if there had never been another woman in history who had responded well to such news - what matters is how your one woman responds. And it's not entirely fair to pre-judge her response, no matter what your fears and concerns might be.

Right now you seem to be far more afraid of losing her than anything else. But do you want her on this basis? She doesn't know the real you, so whatever feelings she has for you are based on only part of the story. That doesn't sound like a very mature or solid basis for a long-term relationship.

Sorry, but my two cents date back a long, long ways and what with inflation...they're worth just a tad more these days.

Okay, fair enough. But she does know im kinky. She knows all of my kinks accept...this one. And yes, I do realize its a big one. But she is accepting of all of them, and claims she is very open. And she is...but this involves potentially someone other than her giving me sexual pleasure, thats why im worried.

 

[midwestyankee]

Okay, fair enough. But she does know im kinky. She knows all of my kinks accept...this one. And yes, I do realize its a big one. But she is accepting of all of them, and claims she is very open. And she is...but this involves potentially someone other than her giving me sexual pleasure, thats why im worried.

Yes it does. So what are you going to do about it? What's next?

 

[lm2000]

She comes to the states again in 3 weeks.

Maybe I should tell her then.

Is there some kind of books or research I can do in the meantime about what to say?

I mean I think I have a good idea of what to say,a nd im good at being sincere and sensative and showing her that I love her. But this is probalby the hardest thing Ill ever do. I could lose her right then, or weeks later.

 

[lm2000]

I dont know...

the situation is extremely complicated. not only because of what ive said already, but we're in a semi-long distance relationship right now. She's finishing school in europe, and she spends half her time here and half her time there.

I'm also worried if she finds out about this, and then goes back to germany she will start cooking up bad thoughts in her mind. also she has alot of stress already with school, like ALOT.

Maybe I should wait.

 

[midwestyankee]

Just tell her the truth.

 

[lm2000]

sorry for all the posting, i have one more comment though:

I only seem to have these thoughts when I look at porn(only look at straight porn) and see male anatomy.

I was visiting her in europe for a month and away from my computer, and didnt have any homoerotic thoughts that I can remember.

Maybe if I go cold turkey on the porn thing, I can just ignore those desires?

I know it sounds far fetched, and maybe naive, but I think it worked pretty well while I was on vacation??

 

[wicked woman]

sorry for all the posting, i have one more comment though:

I only seem to have these thoughts when I look at porn(only look at straight porn) and see male anatomy.

I was visiting her in europe for a month and away from my computer, and didnt have any homoerotic thoughts that I can remember.

Maybe if I go cold turkey on the porn thing, I can just ignore those desires?

I know it sounds far fetched, and maybe naive, but I think it worked pretty well while I was on vacation??

You're suggesting the porn made you bi-curious? Watching porn might contribute to your desire to act on it, but trust me it's got nothing to do with your sexual orientation.

None of us are suggesting it will be easy...we're just suggesting it's necessary. You being bi-curious, you having sex with other people. I hear that you're concerned about losing her...that the immediate reaction/response...we're talking about the long term implications of not telling her...for both you and her and your relationship.

 

[Cathleen]

sorry for all the posting, i have one more comment though:

I only seem to have these thoughts when I look at porn(only look at straight porn) and see male anatomy.

I was visiting her in europe for a month and away from my computer, and didnt have any homoerotic thoughts that I can remember.

Maybe if I go cold turkey on the porn thing, I can just ignore those desires?

I know it sounds far fetched, and maybe naive, but I think it worked pretty well while I was on vacation??

But real every day life isn't vacation.

Take some time to think and then think some more. It's not going to be easy but to deny a part of yourself for the rest of your life (whether she is with you or not) will only cause emotional pain.