beyond confused...

[intothewoods]

I think you just nailed me!

That's what she said.


Wow, I am terrible today. Must repent.

 

[Mohousewife]

So for a couple months now I have read about and talked to some people about D/s lifestyle and I still have problems. I know that I get turned on watching porn or reading stories about submitting to someone and it is all I seem to think about when having sex, but I dont know if it is just the sexual fantasy part I'm turned on about or if I really am submissive. There have been some people I have talked to but they usually just want to roleplay and it is fun for awhile but I am really hoping to find someone who will actually help me out figuring out what I really need.

I guess what am asking is how do you know if you are really submissive or if you just like to get kinky in bed once in awhile?

I've been reading this thread for a while now and there seem to be a lot of really good advice. I've gone to the BDSM library on the web page and have done a little reading. There is go much information it's overwhelming.

A Dom is a loving, caring, leader and cares for his sub and will teach/discipline a sub that they are able to trust and feel secure at their command. In return the sub will "please his/her Dom" which will please the sub not only sexually. Did I get that correct? Does a sub look for a Dom or a Dom looks for a sub or both? Where do you find a Dom, seems so random?

 

[PrimoTat]

Does a sub look for a Dom or a Dom looks for a sub or both?

Sounds like the making of a perfect storm!

 

[Mohousewife]

Sounds like the making of a perfect storm!

But wouldn't that be quite a ride...Storms can be very exciting...i.e. tornados

 

[Stella_Omega]

You folks keep on talking about D/s as though it were marriage. If you must speak of it in that way, then please remember how many failed marriages exist, how many husbands and wives do NOT act like the romance novels promise.

Stop selling BDSM like it was a Hallmark valentine from a Harlequin Romance! Y'all are giving the newbies stars in their eyes.

Case in point, this young lady;

A Dom is a loving, caring, leader and cares for his sub and will teach/discipline a sub that they are able to trust and feel secure at their command.

Sure, sometimes. At least, in the Romance novels. But most of us are bound to fall a little bit short of that exalted goal.

Furthermore, not all doms want to be loving or caring, or leaders. It's the accepted model here on lit, for sure, (especially amongst a certain group of subs) but not everyone wants to mold themselves this way.

In return the sub will "please his/her Dom" which will please the sub not only sexually. Did I get that correct?

You are correct for one version...

Does a sub look for a Dom or a Dom looks for a sub or both? Where do you find a Dom, seems so random?

Try fetlife.com. It's like facebook for pervs. look for munches in your area, so you can meet people face to face in safe spaces. Lurk on conversations. PM people you think might be interesting. Get to know the people as people-- people who travel in a pervy set.

 

[where]

So for a couple months now I have read about and talked to some people about D/s lifestyle and I still have problems. I know that I get turned on watching porn or reading stories about submitting to someone and it is all I seem to think about when having sex, but I dont know if it is just the sexual fantasy part I'm turned on about or if I really am submissive. There have been some people I have talked to but they usually just want to roleplay and it is fun for awhile but I am really hoping to find someone who will actually help me out figuring out what I really need.

I guess what am asking is how do you know if you are really submissive or if you just like to get kinky in bed once in awhile?

I don't think it matters. I'm in a kinda bdsm relationship with a PYL and I got there because it was sexually expedient for me. I am sexually submissive but not 'submissive'. I ponder it at times but I don't worry about it. Just go with what feels right because only YOU can tell you what you really need.


Caveat: I didn't read other posts so sorry if I'm repeating advice.

 

[rida]

That's what she said.


Wow, I am terrible today. Must repent.

Need help with the "repent"






(If it was not clear, I actually found your analysis so spot on that it was scary! and not offensive at all )

 

[eastern sun]

You folks keep on talking about D/s as though it were marriage. If you must speak of it in that way, then please remember how many failed marriages exist, how many husbands and wives do NOT act like the romance novels promise.

For those of us whose D/s exists in the context of a marriage, how would you suggest we talk about it?

I agree wholeheartedly that the need to differentiate between fantasy and reality exists. Fantasy by its very nature excludes elements of reality we hope to avoid. But it also serves as an idea that we hope to manifest, or a framework to guide our actions, or an image we can't get out of our heads .

I don't share all the fantasies that are expressed on this board. Sometimes then I don't think my perspective is relative; and sometimes I think I'll just end up throwing cold water on someone else's lust. I find it's easiest to jump in when someone is expressing ideas fueled by lust that I think are "dangerous."

But I worry sometimes about the impact of my words. I think it's most useful in the long run for everyone to keep talking, and feel encouraged to talk about the thoughts that are driving their actions. Most of my thoughts are hidden from public view. I want to feel comfortable expressing them here, even if they do make D/s sound like a mature relationship and/or a thriving marriage.

Often it's only by freely expressing my ideas that I discover where the fault lines lie.

 

[Stella_Omega]

For those of us whose D/s exists in the context of a marriage, how would you suggest we talk about it?

I think the marriage is a marriage. The D/s maybe the overriding style (or element? Theme? co-interest?), but the marriage has to work regardless.

The poster PM'd me with the essay she'd read. And boy howdy it was all roses and butterflies and a lovely spanking once in a while... read like a paperback novel. But "master" doesn't map over "perfect husband" "sub" doesn't map over "perfect wife," and essays like that one make it seem so.

In the context of some youngster thinking that a lifetime master and slave relationship is the only proper way to BDSM, I think my comment was... well, yeah, a little over the top.

Except also, not.

 

[Bandit58]

I think the marriage is a marriage. The D/s maybe the overriding style (or element? Theme? co-interest?), but the marriage has to work regardless.

The poster PM'd me with the essay she'd read. And boy howdy it was all roses and butterflies and a lovely spanking once in a while... read like a paperback novel. But "master" doesn't map over "perfect husband" "sub" doesn't map over "perfect wife," and essays like that one make it seem so.

In the context of some youngster thinking that a lifetime master and slave relationship is the only proper way to BDSM, I think my comment was... well, yeah, a little over the top.

Except also, not.

For us, the relationship, which is also a marriage, comes first. The D/s serves to enhance it but it's not the be all and end all. There are times when that darn thing called LIFE slaps us upside the head and spankings and even sex have to take a back seat.

When Sir and I first started out (online) He sent me to Castle Realm to do some reading. I quickly did some searching of my own and soon realised that Castle Realm, while not a bad site, did paint D/s in a rather flowery and romantic light.

That's not to say that it's necessarily wrong to want something like that, just that reality often (make that "mostly") doesn't live up to fantasy....

 

[Stella_Omega]

Thank you, Bandit

 

[SimonBrooke]

you have a point i never thought about that. i guess just from what i heard from others is that it is an all or nothing sort of thing

There's someone out there for everyone. BDSM comes in a very wide range of styles from the playful to the deeply serious, and from the sex-only to the 24/7. And what I'm clearly saying there is that there are some people who are 24/7 but playful, and others who are sex-only but not at all playful. There are different degrees and forms of dominance/submission, different degrees and forms of sadism/masochism. One size does not fit all.

The problem for less-experienced submissive women is that quite a few soi-disant 'dominant' men are selfish, abusive and/or misogynistic (or all three). Find someone thoughtful and considerate, but not so thoughtful and considerate that he can't put you through your paces and help you explore your limits.

Someone older and more experienced would also be a good thing while you're experimenting. I can say that without any risk of being thought to be predatory, since you're the wrong side of the Atlantic from me. Whoever you choose, references from submissives he's played with in the past are a good thing.

Good luck. We do this for fun: enjoy it.

 

[SimonBrooke]

I think you just nailed me!

Now there is a very pleasant mental picture.

 

[SimonBrooke]

Assume you're female; doesn't matter.

I'm male and wonder similar things. But, I'm an older male with just enough testosterone left to beat the crap out of those who could potentially be wonderful partners -- as long as they don't cross lines that are: invisible to them.

So; should I be submissive or dominant? And would it make a difference if it were with a male or female?

Are you flexible? Could you be either the dominant or submissive? depending on the person?

Plenty of people are; it's known as being a 'switch'. You may be dominant in one relationship and submissive in another, even in two contemporaneous parallel relationships. It's a bit, I suppose, like the difference between being heterosexual and being bisexual; some people are happy in either role, and some are not.

Someone who has played as a submissive has necessarily learned a lot of the tricks and techniques dominants use - and vice versa; and having switched they have potentially greater empathy for the other person's experience, because they've been there. Not a bad thing, necessarily.

 

[SGOOD]

I am not one that anyone would ever suspect of being a sub because of my dominant personality in the outside world but I am very submissive in the bedroom. Just about the only way I do anything is being told but There are still things I won't do and things I don't like. And neither of those things make me any less of a sub. I just lean more towards bondage and non-consent rather than the master situation.
There are so many different types and limits with BDSM that it is amazing. You'll find someone sometime that will be your Top and you trust enough to respect your limits or help you explore your limits. Then the real fun begins.