beyond confused...

[CutieMouse]

haha i guess so. any books you would suggest? that arent romance and fake

The New Bottoming Book
The New Topping Book
When Someone You love is Kinky
The Loving Dominant
Partners in Power
Screw the Roses Send Me the Thorns

 

[Stella_Omega]

The New Bottoming Book
The New Topping Book
When Someone You love is Kinky
The Loving Dominant
Partners in Power
Screw the Roses Send Me the Thorns

All of these can be found at amazon.com, too.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

you have a point i never thought about that. i guess just from what i heard from others is that it is an all or nothing sort of thing

*Nothing* is all or nothing. : blink blink :: Why does that sound like an oxymoron?)

Out of curiosity, why is it necessary to quantitatively define yourself as one versus the other? What would be so bad about accepting you have some curiosities re: power dynamics in relationships, express that/see where things go from there?

Ya know what? I really like you. You manage to put what I'm thinking but failing to type

What he said about what she (CM) said. She's so damn smart it's scary.

There are so many degrees of submission, from kink-in-the-bedroom only to a total Master/slave power exchange.

I suggest you browse the Library here and read a lot

QFT

For the last week I've been trying to figure out how to write a thread just like this. I feel completely lost. Sometimes I think this is definitely for me... and sometimes the stuff I read freaks me out and I think I could never be in a D/s relationship.

That's why we have this forum, so we can learn more about ourselves and the culture (some of us) live in, and how to see just what it is that we really want and need in our life. There are some really, really smart people here (see CM above and MWY immediately below), and they're almost invariably willing to spend lots and lots of time with people who honestly want to explore themselves and WIITWD.

I'm going to assume that you're a woman, based on your screen name here. From there I'm going to ask a simple question: do you like and would want to wear absolutely every style of shoe made for women?

I didn't think so and yet I'm sure that there are some styles of shoe that you enjoy very much and others that you'd like to try out sometime. That you do not like all possible styles of shoes does not mean that you don't like shoes.

omigod - it's a male CM! Seriously, this belongs in the Quotable Quotes thread. Cat, get movin'!

so if im reading this right...there could be some things you could like and some things your not into. but doesnt mean your cant be submissive or whatever

BINGO! Amanda, one of the most wonderful things about this culture is that relationships here are just like "vanilla" relationships, in that each one finds its own level, its own way of working, and each takes what it needs to work from the vast variety of what's available. (Side note: If anyone tells you that they know - and will share with you - the "one true way" of practicing BDSM, flip 'em off and delete them from your life. The only thing that could possibly be called the "one true way" is what works for you... and then it's only *YOUR* one true way.)

<Snippage> ....Read some books. Do some hanging out here with us.

Yup. See above.

I've been doing some form of BDSM - and it has changed from time to time - for some 40 years. I damn sure don't know everything about it. I hope I never do... but I keep learning about it, and relationships in general, just about every day. A lot of what I learn each day comes from the people who have responded above this post, and quite likely from those who will respond below. Read, read, read, talk - via threads or PMs - with folks here, and above all...

With your partner(s), there are three things you MUST do, else whatever relationship you hope to have with them is doomed: Communicate, cOmMuNiCaTe, COMMUNI-FREAKIN'-CATE!

 

[SDM3]

I don't really anthing "useful" to contribute, simply a statement.

I'm really enjoying this thread. I like these threads that are helpful and informative and basic for those of us who are still getting our bearings in this aspect of our lives.

Ok. I think that was all.

 

[NomadLady]

The New Bottoming Book
The New Topping Book
When Someone You love is Kinky
The Loving Dominant
Partners in Power
Screw the Roses Send Me the Thorns

Don't forget SM101 by Jay Wiseman....

 

[chy_girl]

you have a point i never thought about that. i guess just from what i heard from others is that it is an all or nothing sort of thing

Someone lied to you, dear. Stand ten random pyl-types in a row and you will very likely have at least eight different definitions of what a pyl is/does/needs. Just take what makes sense to you and that you need and leave the rest.

Mmmm... no.

I can make a much longer list of ways in which I [personally] do NOT meet some random criteria for being submissive, than do. In fact, while on a date last night, the gentleman I was with used the phrase "true submissive" and I actually flipped him off right there in the middle of the bar.

Does that make me any less of a submissive?

Nope.

Sorry to hijack, but I am laughing my ass off at that. Were you on a date with our favourite troll?

*dies laughing*
We have such awesome company in this neck of the woods.

For the last week I've been trying to figure out how to write a thread just like this. I feel completely lost. Sometimes I think this is definitely for me... and sometimes the stuff I read freaks me out and I think I could never be in a D/s relationship.

It's all about finding what works for you. Look around, explore, sample the finger foods... And don't believe everything you read. D/s has it's own multidimensional spectrum that changes with the people who are involved. You'll find what works for you, just give yourself time.

so if im reading this right...there could be some things you could like and some things your not into. but doesnt mean your cant be submissive or whatever

It's kind of like an all you can eat buffet. Just because they offer three bean salad, it doesn't mean you have to eat it. Some people will have a regular garden salad, some people will have a little of everything on their salad, some people will skip the salad, and some people will eat nothing but three bean salad. It just depends on what you're craving.

*Facepalm*

You've been reading too many Romance novels, along with so many other young people.
You don't have to be in a D/s relationship. You don't have to submit 24/7 to prove your worth, or some damn thing.
*snip*

QFT.

Although it is fun when your scene momentarily stops an entire room in a good way. That's more of an exhibitionist amusement factor than anything. And a play factor as opposed to a D/s factor.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

Experiment and see what works for you.

 

[amandaxoferrari]

you have all been so wonderful with your advice thank you so much!!!

 

[00Syd]

Don't forget SM101 by Jay Wiseman....

I stick my tongue out at Jay Wiseman.

 

[radepor]

Dear Amanda....

Assume you're female; doesn't matter.

I'm male and wonder similar things. But, I'm an older male with just enough testosterone left to beat the crap out of those who could potentially be wonderful partners -- as long as they don't cross lines that are: invisible to them.

So; should I be submissive or dominant? And would it make a difference if it were with a male or female?

Are you flexible? Could you be either the dominant or submissive? depending on the person?

So for a couple months now I have read about and talked to some people about D/s lifestyle and I still have problems. I know that I get turned on watching porn or reading stories about submitting to someone and it is all I seem to think about when having sex, but I dont know if it is just the sexual fantasy part I'm turned on about or if I really am submissive. There have been some people I have talked to but they usually just want to roleplay and it is fun for awhile but I am really hoping to find someone who will actually help me out figuring out what I really need.

I guess what am asking is how do you know if you are really submissive or if you just like to get kinky in bed once in awhile?

 

[NomadLady]

I stick my tongue out at Jay Wiseman.

I would somewhat agree that it's not the BEST book out there but for a "newbie" it does provide some pretty good all around information.

 

[Commedia]

You've gotten some great replies already, but I felt I would just throw in my two cents. As someone else mentioned, it is very important that you find the right person; I am mostly dominant, but I can occasionally be submissive to the right woman. Finding someone you're compatible with is a huge part of the experience.

However, from where it seems like you're at right now, I would say you really just need to find out what you do and don't like. In my experience, the best way to do this is through experimentation. Find someone you're comfortable with, and try some of these things you fantasize about. Sex is one of those things where you really can't know what you'll like until you try it.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Yes, in fact. The TRUE police will be stopping by within 10 business days to collect your Submissive's License and Operating Certificate. Such transgressions simply cannot be allowed.

Now, I´m really curious about how their uniforms look....

I'm going to assume that you're a woman, based on your screen name here. From there I'm going to ask a simple question: do you like and would want to wear absolutely every style of shoe made for women?

I didn't think so and yet I'm sure that there are some styles of shoe that you enjoy very much and others that you'd like to try out sometime. That you do not like all possible styles of shoes does not mean that you don't like shoes.

Exactly. The practices that get lumped under the BDSM umbrella are many and varied. No one person or couple could ever engage in or enjoy them all; in fact, some are completely contradictory.

Find your own way as responsibly and as enjoyably as you can.

Quoted for shoes and truth.

 

[amandaxoferrari]

You've gotten some great replies already, but I felt I would just throw in my two cents. As someone else mentioned, it is very important that you find the right person; I am mostly dominant, but I can occasionally be submissive to the right woman. Finding someone you're compatible with is a huge part of the experience.

However, from where it seems like you're at right now, I would say you really just need to find out what you do and don't like. In my experience, the best way to do this is through experimentation. Find someone you're comfortable with, and try some of these things you fantasize about. Sex is one of those things where you really can't know what you'll like until you try it.

thanks. yea from what i have been talking to people about its all about experience. which i lack in lol

 

[midwestyankee]

thanks. yea from what i have been talking to people about its all about experience. which i lack in lol

Experience is how we learn everything. Experience is not a bug, it's a feature.

 

[Shaetiano]

thanks. yea from what i have been talking to people about its all about experience. which i lack in lol

It will come in time and like everyone has pretty much has been saying find someone you are comfortable with and go have fun =)

Been enjoying reading this thread.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

thanks. yea from what i have been talking to people about its all about experience. which i lack in lol

It's at least as much about your mindset.

Regarding *gaining* experience, though, let me just suggest that you take things slowly, absorb them one at a time, digest them, see how you feel. Quite often, folks new to anything want to have it all at once and overwhelm themselves, even frighten themselves, and shy away from any further experiences in that realm. If they had taken things one step at a time, they might have found that it was just what they wanted and needed in the long run. Give yourself the opportunity to let each new experience soak into your psyche and see how it fits you, and how you want to proceed next.

 

[amandaxoferrari]

It's at least as much about your mindset.

Regarding *gaining* experience, though, let me just suggest that you take things slowly, absorb them one at a time, digest them, see how you feel. Quite often, folks new to anything want to have it all at once and overwhelm themselves, even frighten themselves, and shy away from any further experiences in that realm. If they had taken things one step at a time, they might have found that it was just what they wanted and needed in the long run. Give yourself the opportunity to let each new experience soak into your psyche and see how it fits you, and how you want to proceed next.

im trying really hard not to rush into too many things at once. i feel like it would be even more overwhelming if i did!

 

[Commedia]

Just seconding the advice from sir_Winston. Too much of a good thing can definitely be a bad thing. Taking your time is always important.

 

[DVS]

I'm going to assume that you're a woman, based on your screen name here. From there I'm going to ask a simple question: do you like and would want to wear absolutely every style of shoe made for women?

I didn't think so and yet I'm sure that there are some styles of shoe that you enjoy very much and others that you'd like to try out sometime. That you do not like all possible styles of shoes does not mean that you don't like shoes.

I'm partial to flat soles and loafers. Could that reflect on my sex life?

 

[DVS]

Mmmm... no.

I can make a much longer list of ways in which I [personally] do NOT meet some random criteria for being submissive, than do. In fact, while on a date last night, the gentleman I was with used the phrase "true submissive" and I actually flipped him off right there in the middle of the bar.

Does that make me any less of a submissive?

Nope.

What kind of shoes were you wearing?

 

[rida]

im trying really hard not to rush into too many things at once. i feel like it would be even more overwhelming if i did!

I think it has been mentioned somewhere already, but here are my 2 yen: Watch out for Sub-frenzy, the feeling of wanting more and more and more, and actually feeling as if you need more and more and more! More as in more experiences, more intensity, more anything and that you cannot wait a minute longer.

I'm a bit older than you, and am also usually very level headed and totally risk adverse. Also I'm not a masochist as in the fact that pain does not make me horny or cum. And yet I've noticed that even now, with few years of real-life experience under my belt, after each play time (I play with a Sadist so pain is always involved), I go through a physical craving that seems to peak at the 2 weeks mark. After that, I can regain my logical thinking and calmly consider if I want to play more or not. Before the 2 weeks are over, I would probably agree to things that are actually a limit if it were the only way to "scratch the itch" so to speak.

All the above to just tell you to watch out for real body chemical cravings. And try, if possible, to give your body and brain enough time to come down and thing clearly before taking the next step.

And if you find that you don't like certain things, no need to engage in them.

Have fun!

 

[rida]

I'm going to assume that you're a woman, based on your screen name here. From there I'm going to ask a simple question: do you like and would want to wear absolutely every style of shoe made for women?

I didn't think so and yet I'm sure that there are some styles of shoe that you enjoy very much and others that you'd like to try out sometime. That you do not like all possible styles of shoes does not mean that you don't like shoes.

So what does it say that I do love almost all different styles of shoes?





With a preference for high heels

 

[intothewoods]

So what does it say that I do love almost all different styles of shoes?





With a preference for high heels

Slut with a masochistic streak.





Sorry, couldn't resist!

 

[rida]

Slut with a masochistic streak.





Sorry, couldn't resist!

I think you just nailed me!





Scary how accurate the shoe analogy is! LOL