Being real

[Verypowerful]

So, I am a beginner here, and I'm a little bit nervous about writing but there really is something I'd like to share thoughts about that I haven't found searching the Forum. I guess that I'm saying; please be patient if this has been discussed a lot before...
I am a "newborn" dominant and very happy about this fulfilling feeling, exploring thoughts, feelings and dreams - this makes me feel much more "whole" as a person which is one of my main goals in life. As I'm an open person I usually also talk a lot with friends and family about what goes on in my life, which eventually brings me to my thought/question; how do I tell - and whom?
I've so far told two people that are close to me and gotten one very positive and "recognizing" reaction, and one that was more silent - I think the person used the word overwhelmed.
As for my own feelings in the situation I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't feel uncomfortable at all, which I thought that I would.
Still - this does not make me feel entirely at ease so I would appreciate to hear about your thoughts and experiences.

*shy smile*
Verypowerful

 

[ltlwitch]

Hmmmmm very interesting question?

I'm also rather new to this board, and somewhat new to this lifestyle......although I have always been drawn toward submision since I was a child (ya know....barbie BDSM and things lol). I never realy felt the need to tell many people about my intrests, except for a few good friends of mine, who took it as, "nothing surprises me from you"......My husband was a different story. But I think most of it is alot of stage fright, he has gotten over most quite well (yippy).........now I forgot the question!

Ok, found the question........well, trust your gut, if its a good friend and you want to share, why not?

Blessed Be~
ltlwitch

 

[cymbidia]

Hello to you both and welcome to Lit's BDSM forum.

In my opinion, it's a mixed bag regarding telling other people who you are from a sexual perspective.

If you only wanted missionary position sex, would you feel the need to spread that truth around? What about anal sex? If that was something you LOVED and wanted more more more more of all the time, would tell your friends about it? How about your mom?

Why, then, tell them about your BDSM sexuality? Don't you think there's so much stigma against BDSM in our society that by forcing other's to recognize it in you, you're forcing them to take a position on it, too - something they may be uncomfy with?

It's akin to a pair of young lovers hanging out in the park where you're hanging out, too, maybe with kids maybe not, and having to watch as those young lovers do everything with each other but actual fucking. Wouldn't you be tempted to shout out, "Hey! Get a room!"? I mean, come on! You're just there to play frisbee, right?

So it is with our forcing others in our life to be a part of our own private sexuality. Why would we do that to them, especally if it will make them uncomfortable? Why should we ask them, in so many words, into our sexual life? Unless they're a potential play partner or someone we think might really want info on BDSM, why make them a part of something they have no interest in and and about which they might be generally disapproving?

That said, i've been involved with BDSM sexuality for about 30 years.

In that time, i've told three people not already in the lifestyle that i'm a maso sub: my former husand, my mother, and my personal doctor. Two of these three people got the news in the last year.

I'm a big believer in not forcing people to do that which might make them uncomfy - and that includes forcing knowldge of my sexual needs and desires into thier conscious mind and our daily interactions. Once stuff like this is said, it cannot be unsaid.

But that's just me - and i came to this in a time when one kept this kind of thing exceedingly quiet.

Times are changing.

Good manners, however, never go out of style. In my mind, it's simply good manners not to force other people into becoming a de facto part of my sexual life, especially if they'll be offended by it in any way.

Good question.

 

[Guest]

I personally deal with this on a need-to-know basis. I can joke with my mom about masochism and such, but I have no desire to tell her that I partake in said masochism fairly regularly. It's easier to confide in my friends, because they know me as a sexual creature and so it doesn't totally destroy their mental conception of me.

Who needs to know? Who would it bother you that they DON'T know? I'm not ashamed at all of my sexuality, but it's largely unnecessary knowledge where many people are concerned. Come to your own conclusions, and whatever you do, do it rationally. Best of luck.

 

[MissTaken]

I have told one person and simply, eluded to it to another. Both "friends" were former partners.

Now, there are a number of freinds that I met on line for whom the freindship evolved to real time. They also know. I am far too much of a "sharing" type person, but find that it has been helpful for my growth to have someone who knows, who doesn't judge and who will cuddle me when I am feeling blue.

I can hardly say, "Mom? Errrrr my Dom just isn't cutting it!" *smirks*

However, my concern for our new friend is this. You need to tell someone a very little bit in the even that you decide to meet someone, anyone who you met on line. You need to find someone you can provide even a minimal amount of info in order to ensure a reliable "safe" call.

Even Doms must be cautious!

 

[SpectreT]

"Need to Know" and (in)Security Clearance....

Personally, if someone wants to know, they'll ask. If someone needs to know (doctor, counsellor, the kind of people who can get your SO into deep trouble for abuse), I'd very carefully consider telling them. Not being secretive, I mean good God, I put my face on here, but not shouting it from the rooftop either.

'Course, that's just what works for me.

 

[MissTaken]

Need to Know????

Yes, I am strictly a "need to know" type person!


*notice the sarcasm dripping off that statement*


Yes, SpectreT needed to know that pain doesn't hurt me in many cases and that Vick's Vapor Rub is my newest sex toy! Yes, I spilled my sexual guts as we drove down what we losely call a "road" in these parts. Hehehe




Yep...that's me. All privacy and "need to know!"

 

[Ebonyfire]

Need to know definitely

I am a female dominant, and I treat my lifestyle like I treat anything that deals with my private life. I do not share information about my private life to anyone who does not have a need to know about it.

Ebony <tain't no body's bizness!>

 

[iamaddog]

select few

I guess I agree that it is a need to know basis. I personally wish I could extend myself out to more people I know......but then they all live in a vanilla world comprised from the late 1800's to maybe mid 1900's......there is nothing I am able to share with too many people. meaning.........most of my life is secret only unto myself.
I have a single female friend...I call my sister.....known her 22 yrs.
but even so......her mindset is 1950's era.------
wish I had one person to talk to about this lifestyle.
so many ideas......so many questions......so little experience.
so many desires yet unfulfilled.....so many dreams never to be realized.--------
ah the agony of being back into remote control again.....
liked it better as 24/7 real time.....

good luck to you all out there. I'm still searching for new avenues to walk down.......

mad dog back home......
seeeeeee yaaaa

 

[yuppietowngirl]

If you only wanted missionary position sex, would you feel the need to spread that truth around? What about anal sex? If that was something you LOVED and wanted more more more more of all the time, would tell your friends about it? How about your mom?

I agree totally with cymbidia...I have never felt the need to tell anyone of my sexual interests. I am a very private person...and I feel that if a person needs to know something then tell them...otherwise why tell them? I don't think I would be going up to anyone and telling them at an elegant dinner party that I love to be spanked. Like they say...there is always a time and a place but also somethings are best not talked about. (Especially if you have children or you might be going thru a divorce etc....that is just a for instance...since it could affect your future).

I had my hubby (we are separated) tell a friend right in front of me...that I had a Dom. I was shocked and in total disbelief that he would tell someone something so private. Since then I do not tell him anything...since he does use it against me whenever he can.

But this is only my opinion...you have to make the decision on who, what and if you tell anyone.

 

[yuppietowngirl]

Another thing to remember...if you need to talk to someone about it. That is why there is this board. So that we can speak freely without predjude against us. Of course you might get a few in here...that wander over that do not agree with our life choice...but I feel this is a good place to be able to chat with others. And not feel that you have to explain yourself or make excuses. Why should we have to make excuses for something that makes us feel whole and alive?

Sorry I could go on and on...

 

[petrel]

Good manners, however, never go out of style. In my mind, it's simply good manners not to force other people into becoming a de facto part of my sexual life, especially if they'll be offended by it in any way.

Good question.

I agree with you cym on this one, I don't feel that it is anyones business what I do in my private life - unless they are part of my private life - either as friends or partners.

On the other hand I will not lie either by ommision or outright - as an example, at work one time a colleague (and friend) mentioned that the pub she worked in had asked her to cover the asylum night and she had said yes but was afraid it ws something really dodgy and that as bar staff she would get loads of hassle - As i go to the asylum nights I simply said - 'you'll be fine pet - actually you're alot less likely to get hassled at one of those nights than anywhere else.

I clear away any enema kits, whips and collars before inviting parents, non BDSM friends or builders into my home but I leave the books of erotic/art photography on the shelf.

I go along with a little of the girly giggly stuff at work (think of the old Diet coke advert) but I won't compromise my basic position that boy bands are not sexy and that gays are not wierd or perverted!!

I refer to my previous girlfriend as my partner but I don't stumble over ways to avoid sayign her name.

The one I did avoid recently was a wierd phonecall we had when the caller was talking about all their issues and in the middle of the things to do with their situaiton they said - and my partner wants me to rim them which I hate!! (btw we are NOT a sexual health clinic or anyhtign like that) My colleague came out asking what on earth rimming was - I did manage to keep quiet then but pointed out that if any of us did know we would be very unlikely to say so at work.

I think its a difficult balance to get sometimes - I do have to watch what I say alot of the time and that gets frustrating - but I won't live like a hermit and I am 'out' in a gentle subtle way.

 

[cellis]

I really see no need to discuss my sex life with anyone, especially not my mother, who by the way is very sexual person in her own way... just 'nilla... and this I think would hurt her in someway... so there is no point.

My brother is another thing... since he is gay and if he asked I would tell him... but that is not likely to happen.

Now my son and soon to be daughter-in-law are another thing. While I would never bring the subject up, if asked, I would tell them... only because they have their own perve going on... You know it is okay to discuss bondage with your children when you find a collar and a riding crop when they move out... LOL... and they thought they were being so discreet... I never said a thing and they never asked about the items....

I would never discuss this with anyone at work... we have a very strict sexual harassment policy and I know that there are very few people there who would understand. There is a lesbian couple who works there and I cannot begin to repeat the things that are said about them... I can only imagine what they would say about me if they knew...

So for me, for the better part of this last year, this board and the mother thread have pretty much been it. It is hard being without resources and someone, other than Himself, to discuss things with. I would not, though, talk with it about anyone else.

 

[cymbidia]

I didn't want to insuinate that i don't talk about this anywhere in my everyday life. I do. I'm out and active in my local BDSM community. I go to the munches, for example, all of them. There's a barbeque this weekend at which the only attendees will will BDSM'ers. I have sensual/erotic art in my house that i don't put away because i love it. In my divorce agreement, my former husband (the world's straightest man) felt it necessary to include language stating very explicitely what kinds of books, mnet materials, and items (aka "toys") the kids could never have any contact with while in my home. (Let me hasten to add that they never had any contact with it anyway; he was being a jerk to even include language around all that, quite frankly.)

I do not talk about it with my regluar ordinary everylife friends, at least not overtly. I never dodge an opportunity to quietly point people toward a fuller acceptance of individual differences, though, and that includes sexual differences, but i don't proclaim my sexuality to anyone who'll listen. I can't and it's not necessary.

My sexuality is fundamental to who i am but it's not the entirety of who i am. Additionally, it's a private face i show mainly to those who already understand what it is to be a masosub within the constraints of today's society - and within the embrace of the other parts of my life too, the mother and teacher and friend and gardener and book reader and all the other pieces that make me into me.

I can't imagine a time when i'll tell even a quarter of my existing non-kinked friends what i prefer to do from a sexual perspective. Why? What purpose would it serve but to cause distance between us? They are as they are. I am as i am. We've got years of freindship between us that never needed details about anyone's sexuality before. Why now?

I suppose, having been "hiding" this for all of my life anyway, i've simply gotten good at it. I prefer to think, though, that i respect the comfort zones that other people have around the subject of alternate sexualities. Especially as those alternate sexualities play out within my regular-life friendships, i'm not willing to make my own personal view of what's sexually necessary in my life to be an issue between us. After all, i'm not gonna be fucking any of them, my nilla friends, nor will i be running into them at lifestyle events, so...why? Why tell them?

I'm open to those i feel have a good reason to know, people like my kinked friends, my doctor, and my mother.

I'm not open to those (many more) to whom the info would be confusing and damage, possibly, the friendship between us.

That's simply the way it works best for me in my life.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Well, I don't tell everyone about my sexuality or my orientation.

I don't see why all ya'll would think it's necessary any more than i do.

"Hi, Mom, just thought I'd let ya know. I like my sex straight, raunchy, and with a lot of dirty words."

I don't discuss my sexuality with my friends even though I'd love to do that and explore the depths of it more. They wouldn't understand and they wouldn't want to be a part of it. I don't have Munches. I don't have online communities. I don't have a whole heck of a lot of community in my sexuality. It's just accepted that "everyone does it" and that anything beyond missionary is "a little extra spice." It's accepted, but it's not accepted as a part of our lives, just as something we do like watching TV or extreme sports.

You can go check out the two "general" forums, the sexuality is "'Nilla," but it's giggly, flirty, and full of "wanna fuck?" The How-to forum will give you instructions on how to have anal sex, but there isn't much beyond that. It's just considered "fucking."

You're not alone in the world just because you're BDSM. You're not even more likely to get referred to counseling for your sexuality. You're just a little scarier.

Whatever my point was to all of that drivel, I think that in any sexuality, judicious discretion is key.

 

[RisiaSkye]

I'm generally an honest person, but while I readily discuss my past even when the truth is ugly, I don't share my current personal life very easily or often. I actually came out here after more than a year of posting. In a thread cym started, she discussed her eagerness to meet up with her then-Dom, MS. I teased her about the *real* reasons for her ...uh...tension, and she remarked that I was awfully knowing for a 'nilla. That's when I decided to (very gently and minimally) come out on Lit.

When I've told friends, it's been because I *knew* they'd understand on a pretty fundamental level--I only come out to those with whom I suspect I share similar kinks. I've yet to be wrong about that one, but I also don't do it often.

My mother actually figured it out on her own, and mentioned it casually, and only once. She saw the emblem on my keychain, looked at me and said, "I knew you two were bent." And that was the end of it. We've never discussed it, and I see no reason why we would. Then again, she's a natural psychic, so I expect that she'll figure out all she wants or needs to know, and she's hardly the average case.

I do notice, though, that I'm more likely to "come out" to gay friends. In my experience, the shared reality of social marginality makes it easier to find a common ground, and there's much overlap between the two communities in many respects.

 

[Verypowerful]

so many thoughtevoking answers

first of all Thank you! for taking the time and effort to share your thoughts and experiences, they are indeed very valuable to read

cymbidia, I've carefully read what you have written several times and found a lot of wisdom coming from you, I realize that it would be wrong to "force" information on friends and that noone would gain from that - I still have a lot of thinking to do myself about my personality and sexuality....

yuppietowngirl, a special thanks for again making me feel welcome here and find a space for reflection while I continue on my journey

I also realize that the need I feel to tell is related to the fact that even if I do feel very secure regarding where and who I am as a Dominant it is still all so very new in time for me, and things are developing in my mind every day - I already feel different, more "mature" *g*, compared to how I felt when I started the thread...

again, thank you all for welcoming me here

Verypowerful

 

[gomeade]

I don't feel much of a need to share my sexuality with others generally, but there is still the trickier matter in "real life" of revealing yourself to one to whom you're attracted. I find that's more of a matter of allusion rather than outright declaration for me, which creates a bit of a paradox. If you don't reveal yourself, you'll never know whether a prospective partner shares your proclivities. If you do reveal yourself, you run the risk of putting off an otherwise attractive partner. I'm much more of the hinter than the revealer and, as the result, I have secret sides and aspects of my life that none of my partners have ever known. My current partner thinks I'm this huge stud-guy, and she has no idea of my submissive side and would unfortunately be put off by it. I hate the secrecy, but I'm frankly scared to be more open. Living a true life via fantasy, chat rooms, and telephone is hardly fulfilling. Yet, in the balancing act of any relationship, I've not yet been able to insist that I will only be involved with someone who has reciprocally twisted desires. Ugh--I read like a terrible whiner and wuss here, which saddens me more.

I am so proud of those of you who are as open as you choose to be.

 

[Justine de Loup]

I wouldn't dare tell anyone...

If it didn't pertain to their everyday life. Nobody needs to know what I do or how I feel about certain sexual aspects...especially not my parents!! I live in a highly religious area where I'd be shunned from society and that wouldn't be good for my child. Needless to say, I have only one person aside from Lit that has any idea of how I feel. She just says to go with my gut and don't worry about anyone else. I appreciate her honesty and we only discuss things if I can't get them out of my head. That is why I've come to Lit...

Justine

 

[DVS]

I truly think this is one of those "need to know" situations.

I have very close friends who I wouldn't tell what I do. Of course, they probably feel the same way about telling me of their vanilla sex lives. There are some things that just aren't normally talked about.

But, in a BDSM group, or at a munch, and things like that, it would be OK. Obviously, you are among friends with similar likes, and what you have to say isn't likely to be overwhelming, as your friend said.

And, there is always the chance you will be outed and have a problem dealing with it. I know of a girl who confided in her sister. Her sister did nothing but go and tell the rest of the family, and when this girl came home, the Spanish Inquisition was waiting for her to carry her off to a mental hospital. I don't know what ultimately happened, but I do know she had quite a nasty time of it and was thinking of leaving her family, because of how they saw her BDSM life.

You have to think of how others are going to feel about this. You might not care about your own outing, but you could out someone else or even a whole group, by talking to the wrong person.

All over the country BDSM groups are being hassled by the religious right, with pickets and protests. BDSM groups are having problems with their meeting establishments because the religious right has taken it upon themselves to force these establishments into canceling, to save face. Some are standing up for their rights, but some are caving in, so they won't get any adverse publicity. This is happening all over, in New York, Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City, to mention a few.

Just yesterday, I saw on the news where they are trying to force the governor of Missouri to make all gatherings like the yearly Beat Me in St. Louis illegal. They say these gatherings are spreading diseases, and are disrespectful of women.

Some think maybe we should out ourselves to squelch these people in their tracks, but it will be a long time before that is possible.
People in this lifestyle are mothers and fathers with children and they have jobs they need and bosses, clients and customers who may not understand this thing we do. Losing a job, custody of a child, loss of a valuable client or maybe even having your business picketed by religious extremists isn't fun.

If you do tell someone, be sure it isn't going to come back and bite you later. Not everybody is open with this, or even understands it.

 

[HotXBunz]

Let me start by saying I totally agree with the consensus of the group thus far however I want to play devils advocate.

Many times when I am with my gay friends discussing coming or being out someone will say, "if everyone who was like us turned pink for a day the world would know us to be the girl next door, the banker, the sale clerk, the lady in the pew in front of you and your sister, brother etc."

I have considered this many times when trying to decide if I need to be out in a situation. I want to be a good ambassador for the GLBT community but so many people are not comfortable with the information. Why is this my problem? I think it is some what simular for folks in this community. This lifestyle is so much more about sex it is about how we tick, how we identify ourselves as a person. Why should we have to be secretive about it? It could be another one of those identifiers we have. Short, blond, lesbian, switch, professional, Wiccan with two kids and a grandson. By keeping it hidden we perpetuate the "dirty little secret" stigma. How do we move it out of the kink catagory if we keep it our secret? How can we expect others to be comfortable with something even we are not willing to discuss?

I know these are "perfect world" ponderings. I just wanted to share another perspective for debate.

 

[Verypowerful]

I feel at home

Again thank you; Justine, gomeade, DVS, HotXBunz for sharing your thoughts.
As I continue this wonderful journey I relate even more to what many of you write about being private......and still; HotXBunz....I like yor answer so much...
Yes for me it is about so much more than sexuality - as a very dear friend of min puts it; it's just the icing of the cake somehow.
It is about the real me, my personality, expressions and needs - a world so big that when I try to take it in all at once it feels like entering a black hole almost. That said - the future that I'm hoping for is total, 24/7.

As regards "if we all were pink"; in my country the lesbian and gay organization had a campaign some years ago (probably something like fifteen years; time passes so quickly *g*) that was called "Paint all of us green", which was very successful and that I still use as an example when talking to straight friends that are curious about the gay community and imagine that they don't know anyone who is gay.

Finally, I just want to share with you who take the time to read this thread that today will always be a very special day for me, the day that I found my true emotions and fully realized what it is I want. The road there will in no way always be easy, and sometimes it will probably also be painful but I am sure that eventually I will get there....

and I need some company

 

[cymbidia]

If you don't reveal yourself, you'll never know whether a prospective partner shares your proclivities. If you do reveal yourself, you run the risk of putting off an otherwise attractive partner.
<snip>
My current partner thinks I'm this huge stud-guy, and she has no idea of my submissive side and would unfortunately be put off bit.<snip>
Yet, in the balancing act of any relationship, I've not yet been able to insist that I will only be involved with someone who has reciprocally twisted desires. Ugh--I read like a terrible whiner and wuss here, which saddens me more.

If you bind yourself to a partner who will never want to or be able to fill your most basic needs as a personm, then you're doing a major wrong to both of you from the outset - and the relationship cannot survive for the long terms without some major settling by one or the other of you.

Your current partner is only getting part of you. Sad for you both when you could be sharing your entirety with someone, isn't it? I wonder what she's hiding because she's afraid to reveal it to you?

You don't sound like a terrible whiner, you sound conflicted and as if you've not yet decided which road to love and being partnered you need to walk. There's one that possesses potholes of shame and secrecy. I tried to walk that one with a totally nilla husband. Not only did he not want anything to do with BDSM, he didn't want me to want it either. We're signing our final divorce papers tomorrow afternoon - after 21 years.

I've learned that one must be true to who one is at the core of her self. If one can just find the courage to do that, all else falls into place - eventually.

I've learned, too, that the road we each take is different and possesses different rough spots. You do as you must for now with your relationships and remember: things change with time.

 

[DVS]

I know these are "perfect world" ponderings. I just wanted to share another perspective for debate.

I think we all agree with you on this. I know I do. There are so many different hates out there from narrowminded bigots wearing social blinders to the devoted true believers who only wish to save you from your sins.

Life isn't fair, as we all know. Great people die too soon, and ugly assholes prosper in their deceptions. Leaders of countries are killing their own people simply because they don't agree with that leader's beliefs. Women are stoned to death for being raped, and the rapist is not even questioned, because he is a man. Female babies are not wanted and are killed or admonished, before they have a chance to even live a life.

When it all boils down, our troubles are rather slight, in comparison. If we were all pink for a day, do you think the world could really handle it? But, God, I wish it were true.

 

[SpectreT]

I'm already kinda pink, thanks...

Good circulation to the skin'll do that for you.

Seriously; this paralells <sp?> A line from Stranger in a Strange Land, by Robert Heinlein:

"If you dye a monkey pink, and shove him in a cage full of brown monkeys, they'll rip the pink one apart."