Being a "real" man...

[oceanbaby28]

I'm watching a something on tv. The subject is what does it mean to be a "real" man?

One of the core themes in this discussion is that being a real man doesn't mean letting others witness your true emotions. That most often than not, the only emotions you are allowed to display are anger and extreme joy. Is this true? As a young boy growing up were you told to "suck it up" and "be a man"? Would you feel less of a man if you cried in front of others or to cry period?

 

[JerseyBoy]

when my dog was killed by a car 10 years ago i didnt care who saw me...

it doesnt have to be that serious shed some tears, but let's face....be a man dammit!!

 

[MorgaineLaFay]

I was never a young boy, but I was brought up being told to never show my emotions. It didn't work though. I'm a tough chicha, but you can read me in my eyes.

 

[oceanbaby28]

This has really got me thinking. I'm trying to think back to when I was a kid and whether my mom treated my brother and I differently. Heck, it's got me thinking whether I've done this to my own boys.

I'd much rather see a man display his emotions than bottle them up inside.

 

[SlowHand89]

I don't remember my parents ever telling me to hide my feelings or anything but I was raised so that my feelings should come second to any task at hand. If crying is ok at the moment then fine, cry. But if a poker face is needed or something important needs to be done, then expressing the feelings can wait til later. For me, that's what "be a man" means; get the job done.

 

[takingchances42]

I don't remember ever being told by my parents not to cry, or to hold it in and be a "real man". The real man image was all over TV and the movies, with Gunsmoke and the John Wayne movies and so forth. Boys can learn role models from watching. But most important was other little boys, who do have their own socialization process, that is I suspect quite different than that gone through from little girls. No little boy wants to be called a "crybaby" by his peers -- and the peer socialization process is very powerful.

I cry. But it takes something powerful. The death or serious illness of someone close to me. Getting over the pain of a failed marriage. 9/11 did it too.

 

[glorfindale39]

Of all the things we are taught in life as men, none is so self destructive as the lie that we do not need to express our emotions. Pain, anxiety, despair, remorse, or any other emotion a man may have does not go away, it only bides its time until your health both mental and physical begin to degrade. No I don’t think buying into the whole tough guy crap makes you more of a man, maybe less of one. Flying against these societal dogmas seems a whole lot harder then accepting them. Personally I think it is always more manly to find your own path, then to accept a bad one that is put before you.

G.

 

[oceanbaby28]

No little boy wants to be called a "crybaby" by his peers -- and the peer socialization process is very powerful.

I cry. But it takes something powerful. The death or serious illness of someone close to me. Getting over the pain of a failed marriage. 9/11 did it too.

That was one of the points they brought out... that alot of guys especially high school or college age men will tend to get loud and actually verbally derogatory towards women in a "show" for their peers in an effort to appear more manly.

 

[sufisaint]

Unfornately that what we were taught...and thats one more reason why this world is such a fucked up place...

 

[MechaBlade]

I have always known that men are supposed to bottle up sadness and fear. Other emotions are okay: indifference, happiness, jealousy, anger, surprise, annoyance... But fear and especially sadness are emotions for the weak.

I have only cried in front of my immediate family. I know it seems unhealthy to hold in emotions, but I don't really see anything wrong with bottling up your emotions until you're alone. Maybe I'm just used to it now.

I like to deal with my problems alone. The ones that make me cry are generally things I can't do anything about. So I have always hated it when I'm sad and people ask "What's wrong?" when I explaining to them the problem will either result in them saying nothing, them saying nothing helpful, or their judgement of me for being sad over something that sounds trivial.

 

[ma_guy]

I don't ever remember be told not to cry but when I look back and compare how I was treated and how my sisters were there is a difference.

I was expected to assess the situation and make decisions to resolve the problem. They were told to go have a good cry.

I still see things like this on ocassion and I have to wonder what the heck is wrong with these women. When you get a flat tire on the car you put the spare on and go get the the tire fixed or replaced. Standing on the side of the road staring at the flat and crying doens't get you anywhere...

In realtion to the original comment, IMO the movies tend to play this all up to much. Men are just as capable of crying as women are. The decision, for me at least, is in finding the proper time and place...

 

[truegentleman]

A lot of people think that if a man shows his emotions he is weak. I look at it as a strength. I will show my emotions in front of those I trust, but not strangers. I wish that I was strong enough to let others see my pain when I am hurt, but I just can't.

 

[oceanbaby28]

What's sad for me as a woman and mother is that WE are the ones that (especially in the past) were raising our boys to be this way.

 

[hogjack]

Sure

I show the range of all my emotions (not always a good thing but that's it) and certainly crying is one of those emotions. I'm just a passionate person so that's just part of 'wearing emotions' on one's sleeves, to use a cliche.

Been to too many funerals/visitations of very important persons in my li'l life to say I didn't cry at every single one of them. Relationships busted has certainly done the trick. Death of pets. Illness. Pain. All require grieving.

My dad, only saw him cry twice (and he wore sunglasses to hide it) but I'm like my mom in regards to emotions, the joy through the pain. My family can go through the tissues, that's for sure!

Certainly, there are times it's imperative to "suck it up", delay release of emotions, stay focused, show the stiff upper lip. We have responsiblities, duties, and other things that need done depending on the situation. Self-control is a good thing whether it is part of celebrating! or devastating. There's a time for everything...

 

[Bob_Bytchin]

I was taught by my dad that men shouldn't show emotions, men shouldn't show outward affection, and that men should never cry.

Luckily, at an early age, I realized he was full of bullshit.

Unlike my dad, I give my kids hugs daily, and kisses at bedtime. I also tell each of them a story before bedtime (4 of them) and let them know how much I love them and how much they mean to me. If that makes me less of a man, well, at least I'm a better person as a "lesser man" then my dad.

** No, I do not resent my father. I just recognized early on, that some cycles are best broken.

 

[Weevil]

Oh, admit it. You're watching Oprah.

 

[oceanbaby28]

*blush*

Yes, I confess... Oprah.

 

[SlowHand89]

I think Oprah retired. Now it's Dr. Phil. I think the idea of Dr. Phil is stupid. What good is short, intense therapy?!?


edited to add:

Damn. I thought she had retired. my mistake.

 

[MechaBlade]

She should have retired. Dr. Phil (of Loveline) however gives good, sound, funny advice when coupled with Adam Corolla.

 

[oceanbaby28]

Naw, she's alive and still kickin.

The Dr. Phil thing... I don't catch it too often, but was happy to hear he doesn't just do spur of the moment therapy as it would appear on the show. He's actually studied anywhere from 50 -100 pages worth of research *yes, it's still not a lot* and video tapes of interviews before he goes on stage with the people.

His goal isn't to try & cure the problem, but rather to put you on the right path to fixing it.

 

[MechaBlade]

I will add that Oprah is better than half of the women advice/talk show people out there who tend to be more traditional/old fashioned.

I did like Abby and also Ann Landers, before she died.

 

[oceanbaby28]

I will add that Oprah is better than half of the women advice/talk show people out there who tend to be more traditional/old fashioned.

I did like Abby and also Ann Landers, before she died.

lol I loved reading ann's column. Favorite was the one where the boss took his secretary out for lunch on his birthday... took her to the apt, thought he was gonna get lucky and found his wife and kids there while he stood naked. lol

 

[Rambrat]

Yep...I was told not to cry..then he hit me again...I'm thinking, what the fuck...that hurts...

later in life...I decided to define my own terms as to what makes a man...
you don't have to hide your emotions...you can still be strong and sensitive...

I think that it is being more of a man to express yourself to a woman...

I mean, isn't that what it's all about?

 

[SkyBluAngelEyes]

Of all the things we are taught in life as men, none is so self destructive as the lie that we do not need to express our emotions. Pain, anxiety, despair, remorse, or any other emotion a man may have does not go away, it only bides its time until your health both mental and physical begin to degrade. No I don’t think buying into the whole tough guy crap makes you more of a man, maybe less of one. Flying against these societal dogmas seems a whole lot harder then accepting them. Personally I think it is always more manly to find your own path, then to accept a bad one that is put before you.

G.

Very eloquently put!

 

[oceanbaby28]

Yep...I was told not to cry..then he hit me again...I'm thinking, what the fuck...that hurts...

later in life...I decided to define my own terms as to what makes a man...
you don't have to hide your emotions...you can still be strong and sensitive...

I think that it is being more of a man to express yourself to a woman...

I mean, isn't that what it's all about?

Yep, strong and sensative works for me. I'd grow extremely frustrated being with a man that couldn't/didn't show his emotions.