Beginnings and Endings

[Shadowsdream]

It is not often mentioned but both have their own kind of traumas.
Beginnings bring change that seldom match the fantasy of how a BDSM relationship will enfold. Giving up a comfortable freedom in exchange for control that will bring a new kind of freedom is not always as easy as one might envision from a submissives point of view nor is taking the responsibility of constant control as simple as One may envision in fantasy.

Perhaps that is why a large percentage of D/s relationships end in their infancies. The melding of reality and fantasy will always have ups and downs and when the downs stand out more often than the ups there is an ending in sight. Just because the differences are to great for success does not lessen the pain O/one may feel in the failure of an incompatible BDSM relationship.

Anyone care to begin a conversation both on the traumas of beginning or endings?

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I'd say this: You find the person before you find the relationship.

A lot of people, Doms especially (or so it seems to me) have definite ideas of how they want the D/s realtionship to be before they even find someone to share it with. That's a recipe for disaster. Any relationship, D/s included, is an interaction between two people whether we like it or not.

I think that being a Dom is an attitude or a matter of personality. It's more than just being a bully. Too many Doms have preconceived notions of what they want, and think that any flexibility or adaptability on their part is weakness. They get into relationships that are brittle and one-sided, and so of course the relationships shatter under stress.

I should mention that the same goes for subs too. They too can go looking for one specific kind of relationship, and when their Dom doesn't live up to their expectations, they feel betrayed.

My opinions only, of course.

---dr.M.

 

[Desdemona]

Welcome back Shadows! I'm so glad to see you here.

You bring up a very interesting topic. It's true, the beginning of a D/s relationship can be difficult. I can think of several issues that have arisen for me.

Letting go of the fantasy of never ending blissful kink, not to mention the romantic notions that sometimes accompany these fantasies while learning to adapt to reality is hard. Real life intrudes. It isn't always playtime. Adjusting to new requirements can be a real challenge. Submitting all the time, not just when it's easy or comfortable is another hurdle.

This time last year, I was going through that process with Snooze. As He gave me new assignments or rules, at first it was fun and I felt the connection to Him. Then, for a while, some of the requirements became chores that sometimes felt like a burden. The honeymoon was over. Now, those rules/behaviors/tasks are so integrated in my life that when He allows me some freedom from them, I miss them.

Building a foundation for a successful relationship takes time, effort and committment. It's important to take time to do non-sexual things together. That can be difficult if your time together is limited and precious. The temptation is to spend all your time together scening. Snooze insisted that we get to know each other well as people and friends. Because of this, there were times that I felt a bit put out because I wanted to "play" and He wanted to do other things. Obviously, we did it His way and I have to say that I'm glad.

Figuring out how to discuss and resolve problems is stressful. We have had to learn to listen to each other and each have made compromises. Learning to trust that a disagreement isn't the end of the world or that a punishment doesn't mean the end of the relationship may take time. It's hard to hear that you've disappointed your dominant. While I realise that no one is perfect, especially me, I hate the way it feels when I haven't lived up to His expectations. I try very hard to avoid letting Him down. I much prefer the look in His eye and the smile on His face when I've pleased Him.

Early on, I thought I'd never get to this point. I'm not saying that my submission is perfect. I make mistakes and He corrects me. It's still hard some days and we have challenges to face as time passes. But, the good far outweighs the bad. We've passed a few tests of our relationship together. I'm happy to belong to Him. Our relationship is still evolving and I'm learning to be what He wants.

OK, that was a long rambling post. I hope it made some sense and addressed the topic. LOL

 

[James G 5]

I'd say this: You find the person before you find the relationship.

A lot of people, Doms especially (or so it seems to me) have definite ideas of how they want the D/s realtionship to be before they even find someone to share it with. That's a recipe for disaster. Any relationship, D/s included, is an interaction between two people whether we like it or not.

I think that being a Dom is an attitude or a matter of personality. It's more than just being a bully. Too many Doms have preconceived notions of what they want, and think that any flexibility or adaptability on their part is weakness. They get into relationships that are brittle and one-sided, and so of course the relationships shatter under stress.

I should mention that the same goes for subs too. They too can go looking for one specific kind of relationship, and when their Dom doesn't live up to their expectations, they feel betrayed.

My opinions only, of course.

---dr.M.

*sigh* Lit ate my post, I will try & re-type it

I feel that some of this is true for ANY relationship. The part about expectations is one of my arguments with the MINDSET of monogamy (as opposed to monogamy itself). The mythology built up to support that way of life tends to create standards that're hard for real people to live up to.

And certainly I know Dom/mes who go in to it thinking because they are the Tops they get total control over things and can mold or shape the person they're entering the relationship with
By the same token, some submissives come in to this thinking "I am in a controlled state where I will have no responsibility" and then pitch fits when they find it's not that way
Both are wrong ideas about what this is for most people (the rare true slave aside MAYBE for the first part)

 

[Shadowsdream]

I'd say this: You find the person before you find the relationship.

A lot of people, Doms especially (or so it seems to me) have definite ideas of how they want the D/s realtionship to be before they even find someone to share it with. That's a recipe for disaster. Any relationship, D/s included, is an interaction between two people whether we like it or not.

I think that being a Dom is an attitude or a matter of personality. It's more than just being a bully. Too many Doms have preconceived notions of what they want, and think that any flexibility or adaptability on their part is weakness. They get into relationships that are brittle and one-sided, and so of course the relationships shatter under stress.

I should mention that the same goes for subs too. They too can go looking for one specific kind of relationship, and when their Dom doesn't live up to their expectations, they feel betrayed.

My opinions only, of course.

---dr.M.

Thank you for joining this conversation ^^smile^^

I am one of those fairly rigid Dommes I must admit. I can be flexible if it is reasonable to a certain degree and I do look for the deep BDSM connection long before the relationship if that makes any sense.

But one sided is not a possibility in a real D/s relationship but more the fabric of fantasy. Sometimes not insisting upon that fantasy can also be the demise of a BDSM relationship.

I would conclude that from the observations I have made throughout the years that there needs to be a certain balance to rigid ideals from the Dominant to support the fantasies and at the same time a degree of flexibility that allows for the day to day realities of life to intervene.

Thank goodness there is no concrete right or wrong way but ways that are adaptable to lifes changing patterns.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Hello des

It is nice to be back at last.

I thank you for joining this conversation and so openly revealing your reality.

It truly is a journey that can be magic if O/one understands and embraces the fact that perfection is only a matter of being in the moment and that even kink must take a back seat to mundane moments now and then.

So many lessons to be learned and so many questions to ask in the beginning...and the beginning lasts a lifetime.

 

[A Desert Rose]

And sometimes....

Reality makes fantasy pale in comparison. (Or so it was the case for me.)


You have been greatly missed, ma'am.

 

[Shadowsdream]

*sigh* Lit ate my post, I will try & re-type it

I feel that some of this is true for ANY relationship. The part about expectations is one of my arguments with the MINDSET of monogamy (as opposed to monogamy itself). The mythology built up to support that way of life tends to create standards that're hard for real people to live up to.

And certainly I know Dom/mes who go in to it thinking because they are the Tops they get total control over things and can mold or shape the person they're entering the relationship with
By the same token, some submissives come in to this thinking "I am in a controlled state where I will have no responsibility" and then pitch fits when they find it's not that way
Both are wrong ideas about what this is for most people (the rare true slave aside MAYBE for the first part)

Welcome James and thank You for joining the conversation.

I agree that the issue of trauma both beginning and ending a relationship can and often is true of all relationships. Perhaps one difference is that a BDSM relationship is often expected to be more as in larger than life.

The mindset of monogamy is a good example in My opinion. To some it sounds incredibly exciting and risque while to others it appears to be the ultimate sin. Perhaps in reality it is neither, no more or no less than personal choice for varying reasons.

Control can also be a two edged sword as You have so eloquently pointed out if that control by either partner is not couched in reality. A Dominant can quickly become burnt out by the submissive that expects to become childlike in the decision making end of the lifestyle as it can be a backwards entry into getting away with stupidity. The submissive can also easily be suffocated by the Dominant that removes all ability for free thinking. Both types of mindsets are controlling and both have a monumental chance of ending a relationship with ill feelings.

 

[Desdemona]

Hello des

It is nice to be back at last.

I thank you for joining this conversation and so openly revealing your reality.

It truly is a journey that can be magic if O/one understands and embraces the fact that perfection is only a matter of being in the moment and that even kink must take a back seat to mundane moments now and then.

So many lessons to be learned and so many questions to ask in the beginning...and the beginning lasts a lifetime.

Your words bring a smile to my face. Perhaps it explains why each time I look into His eyes, I feel we're at the beginning of something new and wondrous. Truly, our relationship still feels new to me in some ways.

 

[Shadowsdream]

And sometimes....

Reality makes fantasy pale in comparison. (Or so it was the case for me.)


You have been greatly missed, ma'am.

Hello little one and thank you for the warm welcome. I always miss O/our conversations and am also pleased to see you once again posting to My conversations.

As you know I am a firm believer that fantasy is a pale reflection of reality when the reality is wrapped in magic.

I am so pleased that you have also found it so.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Your words bring a smile to my face. Perhaps it explains why each time I look into His eyes, I feel we're at the beginning of something new and wondrous. Truly, our relationship still feels new to me in some ways.

I know exactly what you mean des...I looked down at the slave this morning as he knelt at My feet and saw his comfort and contentment knowing I was once again home and in control. I never tire of the look he gives Me and it still feels as new in many ways as it did 4 years ago.

No matter how long W/we enjoy this journey together W/we both are wise enough to not take a single second for granted.

 

[James G 5]

*%&$#*$

Try to edit a typo & wind up with a double post *sigh*
I think the Lit server needs a taste of my Sjambok...

 

[James G 5]

The mindset of monogamy is a good example in My opinion. To some it sounds incredibly exciting and risque while to others it appears to be the ultimate sin. Perhaps in reality it is neither, no more or no less than personal choice for varying reasons.

True.
What I was refering to specifically in regards to the mindset was that, since monogamy isn't a natural state per se, we have built up a mythology of relationships and ideals of romance (things like the "true love" and the "soule mate" and the "prince on a white horse" or "magical princess") to buoy in people's minds the idea of forming a "perfect" union with one person, excluding all others since s/he will be your "all, your heart and soul, your one and only"
Unfortunately, real life isn't a fairy tale and people (women especially) put so much in to these fairy tale expectations no one can live up to them and the relationships can't stand since they feel compelled to leave and seek "their REAL true love"

This is exacerbated in BDSM by the additional fantasy layers we build around it, as you noted

IMHO, of course

(I wink because, being truthful, I'm not a damn bit humble)

 

[Shadowsdream]

True.
What I was refering to specifically in regards to the mindset was that, since monogamy isn't a natural state per se, we have built up a mythology of relationships and ideals of romance (things like the "true love" and the "soule mate" and the "prince on a white horse" or "magical princess") to buoy in people's minds the idea of forming a "perfect" union with one person, excluding all others since s/he will be your "all, your heart and soul, your one and only"
Unfortunately, real life isn't a fairy tale and people (women especially) put so much in to these fairy tale expectations no one can live up to them and the relationships can't stand since they feel compelled to leave and seek "their REAL true love"

This is exacerbated in BDSM by the additional fantasy layers we build around it, as you noted

IMHO, of course


Perhaps You have noticed I never use the IMHO add on...but simply in My opinion...uh huh I am opinionated and as humble as a Bee..ooops I guess that would be Bumble..which could be seen as much more appropriately Me!

Would life not be boring if it were truly a fairy tale? There would be no need for growth, compromise and vulnerbility.
(I wink becuase, being truthful, I'm not a damn bit humble)

 

[A Desert Rose]

Expectations.

How we expect ourselves to behave, how we expect our loved one to, what we expect the reality to be...

Expectations are often recipes for failure.

 

[Desdemona]

I know exactly what you mean des...I looked down at the slave this morning as he knelt at My feet and saw his comfort and contentment knowing I was once again home and in control. I never tire of the look he gives Me and it still feels as new in many ways as it did 4 years ago.

No matter how long W/we enjoy this journey together W/we both are wise enough to not take a single second for granted.

May the magic of our journeys remain fresh for years to come. Life and relationships are fragile. I agree; it's important to cherish each moment as it comes.

 

[blueyedheartbandit]

my thoughts

Hubby and I tried for the D/s aspect of BDSM and found that I am a trial. Him being new, me having years of experience and knowing how to play games and doing so was totally unfair to him. I know that I am the reason he burnt out on it and that now, there is nothing I can do to make it up to him. Hopefully, in time, he will find one that suits him and his needs and I will welcome her as a sister here. It took me a long time to find my niche in the lifestyle. I am not a submissive. I do not get pleasure from doing the things a submissive does, I do not like being controlled like that. I'm a masochist. Hubby isn't a Sadist, he's a Dominant. He can't inflict the type of pain on me that I need or want, being a southern raised gentleman, it goes against his nature to raise his hand to me in any way. We both agree that it is better not to play together than to play and end up with him regretting what he has done and guilt eatting away at him. It wasn't easy for either of us to admit that we have different wants and needs, it nearly tore us apart.
But luckily enough, our love and marriage is stronger than that. Beginning a relationship, watching it end is very traumatic. It tears at you both at times and it is this tearing that can wound in ways that never heal. Communication is key to any relationship, but doubly so in a BDSM one. We have found our places, and now hope to find the other ones who will fit in with us as well. It is always beautiful to me to see a couple that fits each other so well, that makes each other complete, and to those I wish the best of luck and happiness.
Anyway, those are my thoughts *soft smiles*

Bandits heart boo

 

[Krinaia]

Expectations.

How we expect ourselves to behave, how we expect our loved one to, what we expect the reality to be...

Expectations are often recipes for failure.

thank you. all of you.

I've got a man... a dominant ... back up north where I call home. I'm trying to build somewhat of a relationship with him. He's newer than I am and it's been somewhat frustrating for me. I've been perhaps, somewhat pushy. Hehe...okay, I've been pushy. I'm just too eager to continue my explorations and expect that same eagerness from him instead of the caution he shows.

Your words remind me to slow down and enjoy right now and not build too many castles on what may be. And also, to enjoy the possibilites of what has a chance of being a reality

 

[A Desert Rose]

Buddah said something like this:

Yesterday is a memory.
Tomorrow is a fantasy.
Today is the only reality.

In other words, live and love in the moment you are in.



Pretty hard to do, if you ask me.

 

[MissTaken]

I read this thread this morning and had a number of thoughts bouncing around my addled brain.

First, my knee jerk post would be "Endings are beginnings." Hence, the death card in tarot indicates, change, not finality.

Change is difficult for many to manage and cope with. Even in my own circumstances, a new job, a new home and finding someone very special are all wonderful things, but do bring about a certain degree of stress.

I am not one who fears change, though. I am one who embraces it and rises to the challenge. So, while some might become overwhelmed by all of this at once, I find I have a greater energy and zeal with each day.

20 years ago in Psych 101, we were taught the difference between eustress and distress. Stress that is good, productive and motivating is eustress. Distress is stress that eats away at our core, slows us down and is detrimental. Trying to change distress to eustress is difficult, but can be done.

Then, there is the change that occurs because of the ending of something. A relationship that ends can leave us angry, bitter, and full of grief. But as with good change, change involving loss can be used as a positive tool toward bettering ourselves.
Eventually, we have to look to the future with a gleam in our eye and experience under our belt or curl up in the fetal position and hide from life.

Life is a journey. It is up to us how we take that road.

 

[MissTaken]

Speaking of endings,

I am sorry I killed a great thread.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Speaking of endings,

I am sorry I killed a great thread.

Yea... so now go beat yourself silly, willya?

 

[MissTaken]

Re: Re: Speaking of endings,

Yea... so now go beat yourself silly, willya?

Nawww, I don't feel like masturbating tonight!

 

[A Desert Rose]

this was a good thread and still has lots of potential... Hope someone can carry it on further.