Beginning of the End

[Miss Oatlash]

How do you get through the break-up of a 20 year relationship, even when it's what you really want, and you know it needs to happen, but you suffer because you're hurting someone you care for?

 

[Vixandra]

Sometimes to make things better requires pain at first.

Don't know any words to help other then I can sympathise with what your going through and am glad you're not ripping your s/o (however former) to peices intentionally in the process.

 

[Miss Oatlash]

I'm trying to do this as gently and compassionately as I know how. I can't do it any other way. I've stayed far too long for fear of hurting her. But it's going to hurt her anyway.

And it hurts me as well...

Thanks for your kind words.

 

[LadyJeanne]

The only thing that helps is being kind to each other throughout, and time. Lots of time. Warm, loving friends who will listen and comfort can help when you're feeling really low. You will get past it in the end, although it will be one of the hardest things you'll ever do. It takes a lot of strength.

Luck to you.

 

[Miss Oatlash]

This just sucks!

 

[English Lady]

As people already have said there is no easy way to do this. Compassion is paramount otherwise you just have to do it and deal with things as they come up.

 

[Miss Oatlash]

Thanks. I just feel like shit, and I know it's not going to get any better for a long time.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Aw, hon, don't beat yourself up over it. It is going to suck for a while, but if this is what you must do, then just keep remembering that things have a way of working out for the best in the end. You are freeing her to find someone who can give her even more than you did.

 

[babydoll2u]

How do you get through the break-up of a 20 year relationship, even when it's what you really want, and you know it needs to happen, but you suffer because you're hurting someone you care for?

I just went through this a couple of days ago, only with a much shorter relationship. We knew it was time to end it, but we knew we were hurting each other so much in doing so.

But it was time.... and oh yeah, it hurts.

good luck in your situation. I know that being with someone for THAT length of time, it has to be murder to end it. I can't even begin to imagine it.

 

[ifun26]

I was just on the other end of a situation like this. Of course my relationship was only 2 and a half years long... nothing like yours.

I am angry at her... I am angry at everything. We still find ourselves talking to each other almost every night because we are so use to it. We became part of each others lives.

I guess I disagree with ending of the relationship but if she thinks it is what she needs to do... then that is her decission... even though it hurts so much.

I have alot of support from my friends... so all I can say is that it is going to be insanely difficult... but if you need to do it... you need to do it. There will be pain, tears, and anger. Hopefully it will make me stronger in the end... but if it has to be done... it has to be done.

Don't know if this helps at all.. probably not... but I just thought I would lay it out.

 

[Xectxny19X]

I hope everything works out for the best for you! My best wishes.

 

[Miss Oatlash]

Aw, hon, don't beat yourself up over it. It is going to suck for a while, but if this is what you must do, then just keep remembering that things have a way of working out for the best in the end. You are freeing her to find someone who can give her even more than you did.

How do I stop beating myself up over it, dear Lady?

I loved your poem...

 

[Miss Oatlash]

I was just on the other end of a situation like this. Of course my relationship was only 2 and a half years long... nothing like yours.

I am angry at her... I am angry at everything. We still find ourselves talking to each other almost every night because we are so use to it. We became part of each others lives.

I guess I disagree with ending of the relationship but if she thinks it is what she needs to do... then that is her decission... even though it hurts so much.

I have alot of support from my friends... so all I can say is that it is going to be insanely difficult... but if you need to do it... you need to do it. There will be pain, tears, and anger. Hopefully it will make me stronger in the end... but if it has to be done... it has to be done.

Don't know if this helps at all.. probably not... but I just thought I would lay it out.

It's nice to hear the 'other' side...thanks.

Someone who has been in your life for any length of time...2 years or 20...becomes such a part of you that it's hard to know where you begin and she ends. That's kind of my problem now.

Who am I without her? What would life be without my friend?

But it's not fair to her to cling to her as a friend, when maybe there's someone out there who can give her so much more.

And me...

 

[Tokan]

My intuition's bugging me, so I'm just going to say it flat out: Change is necessary, release the pain and negativity that may be holding you back from allowing the relationship to progress, and remember who you are with or without'em. Clear mind can truly help putting the heartache in perspective.

~ Tokan

 

[Miss Oatlash]

My intuition's bugging me, so I'm just going to say it flat out: Change is necessary, release the pain and negativity that may be holding you back from allowing the relationship to progress, and remember who you are with or without'em. Clear mind can truly help putting the heartache in perspective.

~ Tokan

Good advice...hard to put into action.

 

[LadyJeanne]

How do I stop beating myself up over it, dear Lady?

I loved your poem...

I've done this twice, with two 6 year relationships, one of which was getting really close to marriage. I don't have any advice which can possibly make anything better quickly. Honestly, time is the only thing that works, but it really does work.

In the meantime, give yourself some time to mourn. Absolutely. Wallow in the grief for a bit and allow yourself to really feel it. Wail if you must and wear soft pajamas all day and just surrender to it.

After the initial freak-out, start working on compartmentalizing the sadness. When you get the urge to call in the morning and must stop yourself from doing so and it makes you feel awful, call someone else and promise yourself you'll cry later. Honestly, schedule time each day when you will wallow, just for an hour, and force yourself to wait until then to do it.

Surround yourself with friends and family. Treat yourself wel, pamper yourself. Allow your friends to drag you out with them, unless it's to a romantic movie - stay away from those unless it's part of your wallowing and crying time.

Every day, some small thing will happen that makes you feel good or makes you smile, even if it's just for a moment. Notice those things, and take a second to fully appreciate them. Day by day, you will notice more of them and they will add up until one day, you realize that your first waking thought is not about pain. And then you'll realize an hour, three hours, a day has gone by without the pain.

It's slow and it's hard, but you're doing this because you believe it's the right thing. You are not alone. A loving person such as yourself is never and will never be alone.

And thank you so much for reading my poem! I'm so glad you liked it - it's very special to me.

 

[Miss Oatlash]

Sweet Lady Jeanne,

How wise you are.

I started this thread last week, two days after I hit a crisis point and finally told my lover of almost 21 years that I wasn't sure I could be in the relationship any longer. At the heart of the matter is my feeling that, although I love her dearly, I have not been happy for a long time, our relationship is 'sick' and I am no longer able to hide that.

I have been deeply depressed since then...her feeling is that I've been depressed for a long time and that has 'ruined' my feelings for her. My feeling is that my depression is caused by being in a situation that is no longer healthy. In other words, the situation is causing the depression...not the dpression causing the situation.

Since last Friday, I have wallowed in grief, just as you have suggested. I'm taking life one day at a time and I am seeing a therapist. We are also seeing a therapist together.

We're both trying hard to take care of ourselves and each other...and be gentle with each other's pain. It's about the best we can do.

Time will tell...We'll probably split up in the end, but I've decided to take life one day at a time right now, and then just see what happens. I think I shall use this thread as a way to chronicle the events as they unfold...who knows, it might be healthy.

Thanks, dear Lady, for visiting this thread. I hope you'll come back and share your wisdom with me again.

Miss O

 

[Cathleen]

I've done this twice, with two 6 year relationships, one of which was getting really close to marriage. I don't have any advice which can possibly make anything better quickly. Honestly, time is the only thing that works, but it really does work.

In the meantime, give yourself some time to mourn. Absolutely. Wallow in the grief for a bit and allow yourself to really feel it. Wail if you must and wear soft pajamas all day and just surrender to it.

After the initial freak-out, start working on compartmentalizing the sadness. When you get the urge to call in the morning and must stop yourself from doing so and it makes you feel awful, call someone else and promise yourself you'll cry later. Honestly, schedule time each day when you will wallow, just for an hour, and force yourself to wait until then to do it.

Surround yourself with friends and family. Treat yourself wel, pamper yourself. Allow your friends to drag you out with them, unless it's to a romantic movie - stay away from those unless it's part of your wallowing and crying time.

Every day, some small thing will happen that makes you feel good or makes you smile, even if it's just for a moment. Notice those things, and take a second to fully appreciate them. Day by day, you will notice more of them and they will add up until one day, you realize that your first waking thought is not about pain. And then you'll realize an hour, three hours, a day has gone by without the pain.

It's slow and it's hard, but you're doing this because you believe it's the right thing. You are not alone. A loving person such as yourself is never and will never be alone.

And thank you so much for reading my poem! I'm so glad you liked it - it's very special to me.

Lady Jeanne, this is the very best advice, so well done. This is exactly how I dealt with grieving my mothers death as well as a particular relationship.

Miss Oatlash, I read your opening post a few days ago and while my heart and mind went out to you I couldn't seem to get my thoughts together to reply. I am glad for that now, Lady Jeanne said all I was thinking and more.

I recall scheduling 'grief time'. When my mom died it was painful, the days long and horrible. I didn't know how to grief really and went to a grief progam and it helped greatly. In order to work, to be able to function in my job etc I made that time - I would be 'on, ok etc' from 9am - 5pm - the working hours for me. Then 5pm - 9am I could be a basket case if I needed or wanted. I cried, moaned, felt it all - I was the happiest depressed person - I just loved to be able to feel it - to get it out. Once out there was some relief.

Eventually the grief time shortened but it took a long while - there is no time limit, short or long. It takes as long as it takes.

My thoughts to you Miss Oatlash, I'm sorry for your pain.

 

[Miss Oatlash]

Thank you, Cathleen.

I'm working towards what you and Lady Jeanne have suggested. Every day gets easier at work...I'm focusing better today than I have in the past few weeks.

Time...

 

[LadyJeanne]

At the heart of the matter is my feeling that, although I love her dearly, I have not been happy for a long time, our relationship is 'sick' and I am no longer able to hide that.

I have been deeply depressed since then...her feeling is that I've been depressed for a long time and that has 'ruined' my feelings for her. My feeling is that my depression is caused by being in a situation that is no longer healthy. In other words, the situation is causing the depression...not the dpression causing the situation.

Ah, I know those feelings well, Miss O! I had that same conversation with my SO too!

I actually never put the 'depression' label on how I was feeling, because I truly did not believe I was depressed in the clinical sense - I knew I was terribly unhappy in the situation and that's why I was crying each day. When I found myself wishing he wouldn't be home when I got there is when I finally realized I couldn't live like that anymore and started the long process of getting out of the relationship, even though I loved him and it broke my heart to leave him.

Coinicidentally, a friend who had met me during those miserable years, recently told me thought he had believed back then that I suffered from depression. And that he had been amazed to see what a different, cheerful and vivid person I really was once I had left my SO. And then he couldn't understand why I had stayed in the relationship so long when it had made me so miserable. I told him that by then I had lost sight of what happy felt like and that I just kept hoping things would get better.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things to take care of yourself, and it sounds like you're taking a healthy approach to this break-up. It won't be easy but I promise you, one day you will feel like yourself again, and you will feel happier than you can imagine right now.



LadyJ
(not wise, just experienced)

 

[Miss Oatlash]

...When I found myself wishing he wouldn't be home when I got there is when I finally realized I couldn't live like that anymore and started the long process of getting out of the relationship, even though I loved him and it broke my heart to leave him.

...I had lost sight of what happy felt like and that I just kept hoping things would get better.



LadyJ
(not wise, just experienced)

Oh, how well you have captured what I feel!!!!

Thanks, LadyJ

 

[Miss Oatlash]

Update...

Well, it's been several months since I posted here.

I had intended to use this as a 'diary' of my feelings and thoughts about this experience. But writing things down got too painful. Then, at the beginning of February, my partner's father got very sick. The next 6 weeks were filled with hospitals, doctors, family members, funerals. No time to even think about a 'break up.'

In all honesty, I think we weathered the experience well. Even under such stress, we treated each other with love and reespect. It was a time to deal with taking care of others, not dealing with our own problems.

Now...that time is nearing an end. Funerals are done; her grieving for her father begins. I can't bring myself to add to her pain by leaving in the middle of it...so here I am...

Lost and confused again.

 

[Luv2PleasureF]

How do you get through the break-up of a 20 year relationship, even when it's what you really want, and you know it needs to happen, but you suffer because you're hurting someone you care for?

Whether it's 20 years or even 20 days, it's not easy, and it hurts. I know all too well - if fact, I can tell you it's even worse when you don't want it to happen, when it isn't what you want, when you love someone dearly, but you're faced with actions or circumstances that force you to, in order to protect yourself.

The thing is, if what you're really concerned with is your SO's hurting, sooner is better than later. Be honest, be upfront, but be gentle, and caring. Communicate openly, make your feelings known. It's always best.

Good luck.

 

[silverwhisper]

if i may...

i merely want to say that a lot of people would not have handled the situation and the reason for your absence from this thread with half the compassion you're clearly demonstrating. i hope this isn't the first time someone is telling you this.

ed

 

[Miss Oatlash]

The thing is, if what you're really concerned with is your SO's hurting, sooner is better than later. Be honest, be upfront, but be gentle, and caring. Communicate openly, make your feelings known. It's always best.

Good luck.

She's the one that asked me to stay and try to work it out...she asked me to give it a year to see if it can be fixed. I told her that I would, but now I'm wondering if that was a good decision. Pain now might be better than pain later...I'm not sure.