Becoming Jaded

[BiBunny]

So there's this awesome sub boy I've sort of had a crush on for over a year. He pops in and out randomly, but we've never met. He's kind of wishy-washy, to say the least. Last night, he popped up again. I've learned not to get my hopes up with this guy. I just enjoy our conversations and don't expect anything else from him.

But last night, he finally explained what his deal is. He's still afraid of his own kinks. He told me that he knows he loves pain (a lot) and is afraid that the more he experiences, the more he's going to have to experience to get the same kind of rush, like a heroin addict, I guess. He claims to really want to meet me because we have a lot in common, but he's afraid if we play, he'll like it too much. (He knows I'm pretty sadistic from our previous conversations.)

Now, I'm not asking for advice on how to deal with this guy because a.) I know that he has to work out his own stuff in his head, and nothing I can do or say can really speed along the process, and b.) I'm still really not expecting anything from him. It'd be nice, but meh. I know not to get my hopes up. I just thought it might make for a good thread because I figured there had to be more people in the world who wonder about this.

In my experience, pain play has never been like chasing the rabbit down the hole, so to speak. I'd say I have a pretty addictive personality, and, while I do play pretty hard at times, I don't have this crazy compulsion to keep going and going and going. This guy is worried that he won't be able to stop and will venture into the realm of the unhealthy, I think. I told him that in my experience, that's not the case, that most people have a pretty wide range of S&M play that they engage in, and while it's always fun to try new things, I don't really know anyone who's driven themselves to ruination by doing so.

Any thoughts? (If this has been discussed before, which I suspect it has, y'all feel free to point me in the direction of the old threads. It's just something I was curious about.)

 

[Homburg]

Any thoughts? (If this has been discussed before, which I suspect it has, y'all feel free to point me in the direction of the old threads. It's just something I was curious about.)

I used to worry about this when I first started. I worried that I might get too sadistic, and be some kind of monster. These days, I enjoy my sadism, and relish the fact that it is still growing and expanding. I say this because I've experienced it, learned to enjoy it, and learned to control it without letting it affect me too badly. These days it is more a matter of learning to allow myself to enjoy what I am doing more.

I'd personally call it a control issue, and would wonder about how a given person deals with other intense, potentially addictive impulses in their life as is. Does a person have a problem with drugs or drink? Masturbate too often? A porn addiction? Is there any posrtion of life which is out of control? If not, pfft, don't sweat it. That was how I came to terms with my own worries.

 

[BiBunny]

I used to worry about this when I first started. I worried that I might get too sadistic, and be some kind of monster. These days, I enjoy my sadism, and relish the fact that it is still growing and expanding. I say this because I've experienced it, learned to enjoy it, and learned to control it without letting it affect me too badly. These days it is more a matter of learning to allow myself to enjoy what I am doing more.

I'd personally call it a control issue, and would wonder about how a given person deals with other intense, potentially addictive impulses in their life as is. Does a person have a problem with drugs or drink? Masturbate too often? A porn addiction? Is there any posrtion of life which is out of control? If not, pfft, don't sweat it. That was how I came to terms with my own worries.

Yeah, I sorta feel that way about it, too. I may pass the "how do you deal with other stuff?" question along to him if it comes up again. Thanks, Homburg.

 

[Homburg]

Yeah, I sorta feel that way about it, too. I may pass the "how do you deal with other stuff?" question along to him if it comes up again. Thanks, Homburg.

Your welcome. While I don't have an addictive personality, I do have a tendency towards light obsessions/fixations. I'll get reeeeeally wound up about some thing/activity/concept and just worry it to death for 4-6 months before getting bored and wandering off. As a result of this behaviour, I've learned to pace myself and foist off those impulses, both by moderating access to my fixation, and consciously taking vacations from whatever it is I'm fixed on.

The bottom line with this is self-control. In exercising self-control, I have more or less mastered my interests. Sure, I'll still burn out here and there, but I don't do it on stuff that I find important enough to control interest in.

 

[DeservingBitch]

I had a similar kind of reflection after my first scene topping someone. It was so mind-blowing hawt and fun and cool and all, I wondered for a little while whether I would ever be able to enjoy again any kind of sexual activity that wasn't BDSM related. Turned out, yep, I can. Well... also turned out that I let out the sadist in me a little bit more, even when what I'm getting is some 'vanilla' action. But also, I discovered a few fetishes - like foot worship - which have nothing to do with pain, and are oh-my-god so hawt too.

So, if anything, getting into BDSM has only opened up a lot of space for me to actually just *think* about stuff that before, I wouldn't have given a thought to. And by the same token, it has opened up a lot of space for me to express and live my sexuality in all sorts of ways.

 

[Homburg]

Well... also turned out that I let out the sadist in me a little bit more, even when what I'm getting is some 'vanilla' action.

There's no such things as pure vanilla sex for me any more. I'm a big ole hairy Dominant beast even in 'nilla situations. Luckily the minimum amount of kink that I can have and still enjoy myself falls under the categorical of "rough sex" nicely enough that there's no worries.

 

[DeservingBitch]

It's the law of supply and demand in action. In my case, I bring down my demands to adjust to the lack of supply.

Although, I have to say that I don't remember the time when I could differentiate the sex I was getting into non-rough-sex and rough-sex categories. I've never really been the lets-kiss-and-cuddle-and-roll-around-the-bed-in-lingerie-while-looking-deeply-in-each-other-eyes kind of person.

 

[Homburg]

It's the law of supply and demand in action. In my case, I bring down my demands to adjust to the lack of supply.

Lack of supply? I'm not familiar with this term....

(except for subby goth girls *grumble* )

Actually, I have a tough time imagining that you would have any difficulties not brought on by external issues, end of term craziness for example.

Although, I have to say that I don't remember the time when I could differentiate the sex I was getting into non-rough-sex and rough-sex categories. I've never really been the lets-kiss-and-cuddle-and-roll-around-the-bed-in-lingerie-while-looking-deeply-in-each-other-eyes kind of person.

I've done it a few times in my life. I was younger then, with a head full of boring romantic notions.

 

[Netzach]

Is there something you're both interested in but both total noobs at?

I've found that can be a good bonding experience and get you on the same team as someone else really nicely. It just takes some of the pressure off what does it all mean and puts it onto "how does this work again?"

I've actually backed off of harder play because it wasn't doing a lot for me after a while and gotten much more into softer stuff and working the emotional connections with people I've been with for years in new ways and doing really simple forms of play with more emphasis on pleasure than suffering. Much. I don't think that would be my approach with a new person, but I think my approach with a new person would be different than it used to be.

My reputation as a hard ass is shot to hell, but oh well.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Sort of on topic--At first I was afraid that the intensity of the play and sex with my Dom would make the vanilla sex I had with my husband boring and unsatisfying. At least so far that hasn't happened.

I love variety. I do have an addictive personality. I do like to keep increasing the level of intensity of play..but I am not afraid of it. I also am a "lets-kiss-and-cuddle-and-roll-around-the-bed-in-lingerie-while-looking-deeply-in-each-other-eyes kind of person" I like it all.

I really think that doing both the more intense play and then shifting to tantric sex or "kiss and cuddle" helps me from getting too adddicted to the pain/violent/extreme type to the point of ruining vanilla sex for me. Or getting me too overly obseesed to the point unhealthiness to my newest "addiction".

 

[nh23]

Is there something you're both interested in but both total noobs at?

I've found that can be a good bonding experience and get you on the same team as someone else really nicely.

Lol..I said this exact same thing to Bunny last night.

As to your OP Bunny. I do have an addictive personality. And before I became a part of the BDSM culture.. I was that way with nilla sex. It always had to be bigger and better. I was always out for the next best thing. What I found once I really let my desires for BDSM out..well I'm not like that anymore. I still like to try new things, I still like to see if I can go just a bit farther this time with pain play etc..but I don't have the restless feeling that I had before. Once I embraced that part of me, I was finally at peace.

 

[myinnerslut]

i always found that not progressing made for rapidly deteriorating whatevre-it-was-i-was-doing. while there where some things i loved and would always go back to, i find that avoiding progress is a quick way to ruin what i have. with that being said, its important not to race ahead and get swallowed by the progress you want to make. i guess what im trying to say is find your happy medium, same as anything else in life.

 

[the_pet]

i think it's like anything else.....

if you're the type of person that always has to "out do" your last adventure, regardless of what it involved (sex, sports, etc.) then yeah expect it

just because i got throat fucked last night while bound (for me) doesn't mean i need to escalate to a plastic bag over my head the next

i go with Netzach's idea about finding something neither of you have done as a common ground, starting point


pet

 

[DeservingBitch]

My reputation as a hard ass is shot to hell, but oh well.

Does it means that we can send you all those women who want to 'experience the soft touch of a woman' now?

 

[BiBunny]

Does it means that we can send you all those women who want to 'experience the soft touch of a woman' now?

*Spew*

You owe me a new keyboard, DB!

 

[Netzach]

*laughing* Uh, yeah, not so much.