BDSM without sex?

[Cirrus]

I was surfing around here and there last night in a fit of insomnia and I came across a site (that I wish I would have bookmarked now but didn't) run my a Domme on keeping subs as servents, not in a sexual light.

This isn't something I'd heard before. Isn't BDSM and all variations there of pretty much based on a sexual style and set of preferences? Or am I being narrow minded and/or naive?

Is there anyone here that doesn't have any type of sexual relation at all with their sub or Dom/me? I'd be really interested to know what attracts both to this kind of relationship.

 

[SexyChele]

You will definitely want to get EbonyFire's opinion on this, Cirrus. I do believe her relationship with her subs is somewhat similiar - though it appears there are eroticisms in what she does.

Should prove interesting to hear about, though.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I was surfing around here and there last night in a fit of insomnia and I came across a site (that I wish I would have bookmarked now but didn't) run my a Domme on keeping subs as servents, not in a sexual light.

This isn't something I'd heard before. Isn't BDSM and all variations there of pretty much based on a sexual style and set of preferences? Or am I being narrow minded and/or naive?

Is there anyone here that doesn't have any type of sexual relation at all with their sub or Dom/me? I'd be really interested to know what attracts both to this kind of relationship.

D/s and BDSM is not always about sex.

Eb

 

[Parklife]

I came very close to being in a D/s relationship that involved service but no sex gratification.... until the woman decided it wasn't what she wanted afterall. It wasn't about the physical sexual aspects that pulled me in, but rather the submittal and service... eroticism doesn't necessarily mean physical sexualism.
Or who knows, perhaps it wasn't erotic at all, maybe i'm just odd that way.

Park~

 

[Ebonyfire]

BDSM without a sexual focus

I have posted previously about this in depth. I really do not want to repeat what I have already talked about.

If you do a search I am sure you can find my previous posts on the subject.

In a nutshell.

My subs' primary focus is service. They love to serve women in general, Me in specific. It gives them pleasure. Eroticism is a tool, sex is a tool, that I may or may not use, just is discipline or anything else I chose to use.

Eb

 

[cymbidia]

It's often called being a service submissive, Cirrus, and though it's not overly common, it's not vanishingly uncommon either. There have always been service subs around.

Here are a few links if you're interested in reading a bit more about this small and somewhat quiet kind submission:

http://www.leathernroses.com/submission/sensservicesub.htm

http://www.saroftreve.com/home/bdsm/submission.htm
(Read below the green box: Servitude)

http://www.uncommon-ground.org/questions.htm
(Read the text following this question: Q. The Master with whom I had my first experience was married to a Mistress, and their differences seemed so extreme. His relationship with his slaves was based on sensuality and sex, and her relationship with her slaves was more of a housekeeping deal... Is it that different for men and women?)

http://www.amityworld.com/femdom/part3.html
(Read the answer to this question: What's Not A Good Match?)

There is more on this small niche kind of submission out there but it takes some digging. Relatively many people claim to be service subs but most combine non-sexual and sexual service. I would imagine there are relatively few true service subs around.

 

[MzChrista]

I was surfing around here and there last night in a fit of insomnia and I came across a site (that I wish I would have bookmarked now but didn't) run my a Domme on keeping subs as servents, not in a sexual light.

This isn't something I'd heard before. Isn't BDSM and all variations there of pretty much based on a sexual style and set of preferences? Or am I being narrow minded and/or naive?

Is there anyone here that doesn't have any type of sexual relation at all with their sub or Dom/me? I'd be really interested to know what attracts both to this kind of relationship.

Its more complicated than that. I dont have sex with men but I play BDSM with them. Ok, but if I do cbt or ass play with them, is that sex from their p.o.v.? I suppose it is.
But the real deal is the control and the power exchange, not the sex. So now flip that back. Seems like the reason they like the control is its sexually liberating.
This is making my head hurt.

 

[WriterDom]

Not many female subs or male Doms would put up with bdsm without sex. Unless you bought a slave in Chad for $500. I guess there are a few married subs who could find a Dom for play that didn't involve sex.

 

[Ebonyfire]

BDSM - Non sexual focus

First of all, there are more Domme/malesub partners without sexual focus, than you think. They do not post here at Lit.


My subs are chosen because they do not have a sexual focus. However, I did not say there is no sex. I said that I do not have sexual intercourse with them. I can if I wanted to, but I just do not want to.

My subs are service oriented. What service I require is personal service (bathing, pedicures etc.), or domestic service (chores, errands, etc). Of I want sex, it would be part of personal service.

Sex is just another service in my mind, that I can take or reject. I can get sex anywhere with whomever i choose, and I do.

Sex is a tool just like a cane, rope, and a whip.


I define what is service depending on the type of involvement.

Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

Not many female subs or male Doms would put up with bdsm without sex. Unless you bought a slave in Chad for $500. I guess there are a few married subs who could find a Dom for play that didn't involve sex.

Different strokes, WD. Since I do not have femsubs, it is a non-issue.

Eb

 

[MzChrista]

Re: BDSM - Non sexual focus

First of all, there are more Domme/malesub partners without sexual focus, than you think. They do not post here at Lit.


My subs are chosen because they do not have a sexual focus. However, I did not say there is no sex. I said that I do not have sexual intercourse with them. I can if I wanted to, but I just do not want to.

My subs are service oriented. What service I require is personal service (bathing, pedicures etc.), or domestic service (chores, errands, etc). Of I want sex, it would be part of personal service.

Sex is just another service in my mind, that I can take or reject. I can get sex anywhere with whomever i choose, and I do.

Sex is a tool just like a cane, rope, and a whip.


I define what is service depending on the type of involvement.

Eb

I think you and me come from 2 different places on this but end up right together Eb.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: BDSM without sex?

Its more complicated than that. I dont have sex with men but I play BDSM with them. Ok, but if I do cbt or ass play with them, is that sex from their p.o.v.? I suppose it is.
But the real deal is the control and the power exchange, not the sex. So now flip that back. Seems like the reason they like the control is its sexually liberating.
This is making my head hurt.

Exactly , MzC. It is very complicated, and it is hard to explain to others. LIke you say, the real deal is the power exchange & control between sub and Domme.

Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: BDSM - Non sexual focus

I think you and me come from 2 different places on this but end up right together Eb.

We sure do.

Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

It wasn't about the physical sexual aspects that pulled me in, but rather the submittal and service... eroticism doesn't necessarily mean physical sexualism.
Or who knows, perhaps it wasn't erotic at all, maybe i'm just odd that way.

Park~

Park, I believe you hit the nail on the head! I am odd that way too!

Eb

 

[Rubyfruit]

Not many female subs or male Doms would put up with bdsm without sex. Unless you bought a slave in Chad for $500. I guess there are a few married subs who could find a Dom for play that didn't involve sex.

I could not serve without sex.

No way.

 

[lovetoread]

I could not serve without sex.

No way.

Me neither.

 

[James Blandings]

I could not serve without sex.

No way.

My switchy perspective is that there is, to me, a difference between what I experience in regard to the sexual factor when I am domming as opposed to subbing. As a dom, I enter into a sort of "dom space" that is highly charged, not with sex, exactly, but with a feeling of empowerement that may be related to eroticism, but is not of it.
But when I am in a submissive frame of mind, every action, every word of the Dom/me is sexual to me, and I am with you in that sex is an intrinsic part of my submission.

 

[MzChrista]

My switchy perspective is that there is, to me, a difference between what I experience in regard to the sexual factor when I am domming as opposed to subbing. As a dom, I enter into a sort of "dom space" that is highly charged, not with sex, exactly, but with a feeling of empowerement that may be related to eroticism, but is not of it.
But when I am in a submissive frame of mind, every action, every word of the Dom/me is sexual to me, and I am with you in that sex is an intrinsic part of my submission.

For me it different if its with a man or a woman. With a woman it is 100% sexual at every step.

 

[Guest]

Different strokes, WD. Since I do not have femsubs, it is a non-issue.

Eb

no, it's the heart of the issue.

 

[cymbidia]

I could not serve without sex.

No way.

Me either.
In my life, BDSM = sex = BDSM.
They are the same thing.
They aren't flip sides of the same coin, they are the same side of the coin. I have no ability to separate my sexuality from my desire for BDSM sensations. I don't think they're separatable.

 

[Rubyfruit]

I just like sex.

 

[MzChrista]

I just like sex.

And sex likes you back.

 

[Rubyfruit]

I'd like to rename sex as MzChrista.

 

[P. B. Walker]

I think some people are being too broad by saying sex goes with BDSM. What I mean by that is that BDSM is very broad and includes many different activities. Some of these activites go naturally with sex. By sex I mean, oral sex, intercourse, anal sex, handjobs, etc... basically... someone is having an orgasm. I know that's pretty broad, but that's just how I think about sex.

I think the better question is do you enjoy sex with your S/M? or sex with your B/D? or sex with your D/s? As many have pointed out, they are mostly into S/M. That is not necessarily something that lends itself naturally to intercourse. Could you do it? Yeah definitely. Does it always happen? Probably not.

The same holds true with B/D. There some people that just get off being bound. That is their "thing". Doesn't mean they want to be fucked in the ass while they are bound up.

In addition, D/s doesn't *have* to involve sex. It could just be about your sexy little subbie trimming your manly fingernails while you watch SportsCenter. Different kinks for different folks.

We all turn to BDSM for different reasons. BDSM is a lifestyle, not just a sexual proclivity. You can easily spend your days working as a dungeon master and then retire to your 3-bedroom house and have some lovely intercourse with your wife on top (without any BDSM activities at all). At the same time, sex can be totally involved in your BDSM. I personally think that is the beauty of BDSM, there is niche for everyone.

Just my 3 1/3 cents...

PBW

 

[Rubyfruit]

Good points, PB.

I just like sex.













God, I need to get fucked.