BDSM With Somebody You Don't Like

[seela]

So. I've fallen into a BDSM thing very unexpectedly and with a completely unexpected person. The truth is, I don't like this person that much.

We have very little in common and struggle to find anything to talk about besides sex. There really is only so much you can say about the weather, no matter how rainy, dark and unseasonably warm or cold it might be on any given day. We are quiet a lot and it's not exactly the comfortable kind of silence. The occasional car rides we've had together have been pretty excruciating.

In the beginning this bothered me a lot, because I've always been the kind that needs a strong chemistry beyond the sex stuff before I can even entertain the thought of doing something BDSM-esque.

Now my reaction is quite different. It pushes some of my deepest humiliation buttons that I want and do things with someone whom I honestly don't even like. It adds a special overtone to everything we do. The sex is exceptionally good and if it weren't I doubt we'd ever have any contact with each other. Sex is the only plane of existence where we see eye to eye.

Anybody have any similar experiences? Could you imagine something similar happening to you or do you always need to have a strong connection beyond sex with your partner(s)? How about respect and trust, do you find they have a connection to liking someone?

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[seela]

Like is different to trust.

People have different kinds of sex with people they do not like much, or don't know. For me I am not sure it would be possible, because humiliation is not for me, and trust is important for me in this. But in casual sex it was not a problem.

True. Like is different to trust.

Casual sex is a good point. I've been able to have good and satisfying casual sex without particularly liking or connecting with the other person, but for BDSM up until now it's always been paramount for me to have an excellent connection with my partner.

This situation is a completely new field to me and it offers a very different set of feelings and thoughts. It is exciting and very unexpected to me.

 

[submissjenn]

Definitely possible

Some of the best sex I've ever had was with someone I absolutely despised. It's definitely possible. I think as long as you know how you feel and at least there is a level of trust sexually with this person, just have some fun and go with the flow.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Yes, I was thinking about casual sex too.

It's been a very long time ago since I had casual sex so we didn't think of the things that we did back then as BDSM, but I guess I'd still say that I do have similar experiences.
It kind of depends on what you mean by "don't like". I discovered back then that are some kinds of "don't like" that will make me loose interest very fast and other kinds of "don't like" where it would work.

Now that I think about it I guess a lot of the reasons behind those feelings of mine could be summed up in Elle's brilliant statement "Like is different to trust" and I think I'd like to add that like is different to respect too.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[seela]

Some of the best sex I've ever had was with someone I absolutely despised. It's definitely possible. I think as long as you know how you feel and at least there is a level of trust sexually with this person, just have some fun and go with the flow.

Thanks for contributing and coming out of the shadows! (And welcome to Lit! )

Having fun and going with the flow is pretty much what I'm doing.

It kind of depends on what you mean by "don't like". I discovered back then that are some kinds of "don't like" that will make me loose interest very fast and other kinds of "don't like" where it would work.

That's the thing. It really is the kind of "don't like" that makes me lose interest fast. I know next to nothing about this person because honestly I don't care. Not that I've been asked many questions either. It became glaringly obvious from the beginning that we have zero things in common. Very different backgrounds, very different political leanings, very different priorities. This much has been clear from the beginning. In a way I'm a little bit afraid of finding out too much, because I think I'm right at my limit of "don't like but the sex is so good that it makes up for it". Any more "don't like" and the sex might not be worth it anymore.

This also ties into what you said about respect. The person in question is not really someone I can ever respect based on what I know now and I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual.


Respect is often talked about as a given and sort of a base need for BDSM, like in that thread where the OP was worried he might not be able to respect his partner after some things.

But is respect a need for BDSM the same way a modicum of trust is?

 

[StateandMain]

My take is, BDSM really does need to be with someone you like and vice versa. Otherwise, you have a recipe for disaster, believe me on that one. I am a submissive male myself and have had the misfortune of being dominated by a female who did NOT like me at all. I liked her very much, but she strongly disliked me for some reason. She hurt me, both physically and emotionally. I got about as low and depressed as a person can possibly get. So.....bottom line.....make certain it is with someone you like.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[seela]

My take is, BDSM really does need to be with someone you like and vice versa. Otherwise, you have a recipe for disaster, believe me on that one. I am a submissive male myself and have had the misfortune of being dominated by a female who did NOT like me at all. I liked her very much, but she strongly disliked me for some reason. She hurt me, both physically and emotionally. I got about as low and depressed as a person can possibly get. So.....bottom line.....make certain it is with someone you like.

Yes, I think it's definitely safer to be with someone you like and who likes you. Liking or even loving doesn't mean bad things can't happen, but I think it mitigates the odds somewhat.

I this the respect is an individual thing. If the sex is for you good, then the answer is, for you no!

Without going into details, let's just say that he represents and advocates things I and most other "normal" people are quite passionately against. For me, personally, that makes respect difficult if not possible.

But yes, it is obvious that for me respect is not a necessity. I'm not looking for a confirmation for my shenanigans and I wouldn't really want to talk about "my case" particularly, I only offered it as a jumping off point I guess.

I'm more interested in conversation on a more general level. Liking and respecting a partner are really often thought of, along with trust, as what the basis of BDSM looks like. These past three months have made me question some of it and I thought it might be an interesting topic to discuss, but I wouldn't want the whole conversation to be about me.

 

[Primalex]

So. I've fallen into a BDSM thing very unexpectedly and with a completely unexpected person. The truth is, I don't like this person that much.

I find this inappropriately amusing.

Anybody have any similar experiences? Could you imagine something similar happening to you or do you always need to have a strong connection beyond sex with your partner(s)?

I've received quite some messages from people who felt annoyed about my signature. So I guess they cannot imagine this (which merely means they lack the imagination, not that this wouldn't be true for them, if they would be in the same situation). Anyway, I think that a strong positive connection (love, awesome friendship, ...) happens to be a limiter for certain activities. Unless you are a sociopath, making someone you love cry, will be emotionally conflicting.

Topping someone you don't like or hate is fine for me, but I consider this a RACK activity - it's kink with a risk and the other person needs to know about it, so the person I top knows how I feel about her before, so she can make an educated decision about the risks.

Now, regarding simple (or intricate) fucking, most guys don't need a deep emotional connection anyway. Physical attraction is sufficient and sometimes even optional.

 

[seela]

I find this inappropriately amusing.

Somehow I'm not surprised.

Topping someone you don't like or hate is fine for me, but I consider this a RACK activity - it's kink with a risk and the other person needs to know about it, so the person I top knows how I feel about her before, so she can make an educated decision about the risks.

Yes, this sums up how I feel about it as well. It feels more risky, even if the physical activities themselves aren't that much different from what I've done with other people whom I've liked.

How about the respect angle? Do you have anything to say about it?

I have sigs turned off, but after your comment I'm gonna have to check out yours.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Primalex]

How about the respect angle? Do you have anything to say about it?

Hm. Respect is for me a one-way road. I can not like her, but respect her, but I have trouble to come up with a situation, where I would not respect her, but like her. And for the situation that I don't like her, but respect her, there is no difference to not liking her and not respecting her.

(I think respect is a bad word anyway in this context. If you say you respect someone, it can mean that you are being polite because he deserves the estimation any human being deserves (until proven guilty of not deserving it) up to admiring someone.)

I have sigs turned off, but after your comment I'm gonna have to check out yours.

While you are checking out my universal wisdom, you can add this one:
http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=74728620&postcount=7

 

[Primalex]

Where as I only want to cry with people with whom I feel a bond of closeness, and security, and probably love with.

I don't think we talk about the same kind of crying.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[NoJo]

Not liking someone is usually a great indicator of hot sex, in my experience

 

[IrisAlthea]

That's the thing. It really is the kind of "don't like" that makes me lose interest fast. I know next to nothing about this person because honestly I don't care. Not that I've been asked many questions either. It became glaringly obvious from the beginning that we have zero things in common. Very different backgrounds, very different political leanings, very different priorities. This much has been clear from the beginning. In a way I'm a little bit afraid of finding out too much, because I think I'm right at my limit of "don't like but the sex is so good that it makes up for it". Any more "don't like" and the sex might not be worth it anymore.

This also ties into what you said about respect. The person in question is not really someone I can ever respect based on what I know now and I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual.


Respect is often talked about as a given and sort of a base need for BDSM, like in that thread where the OP was worried he might not be able to respect his partner after some things.

But is respect a need for BDSM the same way a modicum of trust is?

Then we might not have the same "don't like until the point of not interested".
I can be attracted to people I have very little in common with, with other ideas when it comes to some important political or other views.
There is an aspect of humiliation in it for me, just as you say. Because what the hell stupid sex drive, you are betraying me here!

Spineless, dishonest kills it though and so does a certain kind of arrogant ignorance. Pompous and unable to laugh at self is also a total libido-killer.
And yes, I've looked at someone hot and thought "Please shut up before you ruin it."

In the long run, I'd say that I need to have some respect for someone. In the short run I think there is some overlap for me between traits that I can respect and things that present plausible cause for that modicum of trust.
And then there is wishful thinking and selective blindness too.

I find this inappropriately amusing.



I've received quite some messages from people who felt annoyed about my signature. So I guess they cannot imagine this (which merely means they lack the imagination, not that this wouldn't be true for them, if they would be in the same situation). Anyway, I think that a strong positive connection (love, awesome friendship, ...) happens to be a limiter for certain activities. Unless you are a sociopath, making someone you love cry, will be emotionally conflicting.

Topping someone you don't like or hate is fine for me, but I consider this a RACK activity - it's kink with a risk and the other person needs to know about it, so the person I top knows how I feel about her before, so she can make an educated decision about the risks.

Now, regarding simple (or intricate) fucking, most guys don't need a deep emotional connection anyway. Physical attraction is sufficient and sometimes even optional.

I think the bolded part is very true.

 

[StateandMain]

Yes, I think it's definitely safer to be with someone you like and who likes you. Liking or even loving doesn't mean bad things can't happen, but I think it mitigates the odds somewhat.

Exactly. There is also another female who used to dominate me. She was a quiet, sort of reserved girl, and she had never had any inclination toward any BDSM activity before she met me. I brought out her dominant side. Well, sort of. Anyway, we had a falling out completely unrelated to BDSM, and now she hates me and has hated me for the past 6 (going on 7) years. I don't hate her, and have missed her terribly, but she swears that she will never forgive me under any circumstances, so I don't see us ever getting past what happened so long ago. But, at any rate, I don't want her dominating me unless some miracle happens and she forgives me and we patch things and actually move forward. Of course, as long as she isn't speaking to me (which has been the case since late 2009) then she won't be dominating me anyway. So, there we are.

The first female I mentioned earlier was actually a pro domme who disliked me from day one and did not even want me as a client, no matter how much I was willing to pay. And I was willing to pay a lot.

 

[richard_daily]

I think that anger and revulsion can be really fun emotions to play with. So there's a lot that can be done in these realms.

Casually, I would have no problem doing things to someone I didn't like... In terms of any sort of longer trist or encounter, lasting more than one (or a few) times? I don't think that would hold much appeal for me, as BDSM is just one facet I'm interested in looking for in potential partners.

 

[seela]

Thanks for joining the conversation everybody, this has been very interesting so far.

In the long run, I'd say that I need to have some respect for someone. In the short run I think there is some overlap for me between traits that I can respect and things that present plausible cause for that modicum of trust.
And then there is wishful thinking and selective blindness too.

Yep. This. Especially the selective blindness.

Exactly. There is also another female who used to dominate me. She was a quiet, sort of reserved girl, and she had never had any inclination toward any BDSM activity before she met me. I brought out her dominant side. Well, sort of. Anyway, we had a falling out completely unrelated to BDSM, and now she hates me and has hated me for the past 6 (going on 7) years. I don't hate her, and have missed her terribly, but she swears that she will never forgive me under any circumstances, so I don't see us ever getting past what happened so long ago. But, at any rate, I don't want her dominating me unless some miracle happens and she forgives me and we patch things and actually move forward. Of course, as long as she isn't speaking to me (which has been the case since late 2009) then she won't be dominating me anyway. So, there we are.

The first female I mentioned earlier was actually a pro domme who disliked me from day one and did not even want me as a client, no matter how much I was willing to pay. And I was willing to pay a lot.

At least now you've learned from the experience and know what doesn't work for you and you can avoid making the same mistakes again.

 

[BiBunny]

Not liking someone is usually a great indicator of hot sex, in my experience

Haha, yeah, pretty much.

Seriously, I did this a lot when I was younger (and had none of my shit together). I could do it then for reasons I won't bore y'all with here. But now? Nope.

Shit, that sounds like I'm calling you immature or something. I'M NOT, I SWEAR. I just meant that I totally get what you mean. Been there, done that, and so forth. I absolutely understand what you're talking about and why you're doing it.

For me, it's just that my personality has just changed drastically in the last four, five, six years or so. Or maybe it's less that it's changed and more that all the extraneous stuff's been sliced away to reveal what's always been there all along, I dunno. And I'm not in a philosophical enough mood to try to figure it out. So what I could deal with then is completely different from what I can deal with now.

(Also, I've gone full PYL now, so I'm sure that's got a lot to do with it, too.)

 

[seela]

(Also, I've gone full PYL now, so I'm sure that's got a lot to do with it, too.)

This would make for an interesting thread too. The shifts and changes in your (general you, although yours specifically are equally interesting) BDSM preferences.

Thanks for sharing your point of view!

 

[StateandMain]

At least now you've learned from the experience and know what doesn't work for you and you can avoid making the same mistakes again.

This thread has really got me thinking and remembering a lot from my past! The very first Pro Domme I sessioned with comes to mind. I remember sitting and talking with her 30 minutes before the session began. We discussed the scene that we would be doing. It was a scene where she would be taking revenge on me for doing her wrong. I was spanked soundly amid much verbal abuse. Both the physical and verbal parts got very intense. At one point, she got REALLY into it and almost missed me saying the safe word because she was laughing so loudly at me being in such pain. Of course, it was all within the context of the session.

Just as soon as the session ended, we were sitting back, talking, and the atmosphere was just as relaxed as it could be. Before I left, she asked "are you okay?" "I want to apologize for nearly missing the safe word, I guess I just got carried away when I was laughing". I told her that that was quite alright. And I remember telling someone (who was not into BDSM at all) about that. They were mortified and asked how in the world I could subject myself to such things. They then told me how they would be "so angry" if someone inflicted pain on them like that and then laughed while they did it. They were even more stunned when I told them how it was just all part of the session and how when the session concluded, we were both very relaxed.