BDSM: Thoughts on how we are using the term

[MissTaken]

It seems to me that in recent weeks, many are using alphabet soup approach to "BDSM." That is to say that this anachronym keeps popping up when the poster may actually be referring only to sadism, masochism, Dominance or Bondage.

In so doing, we misrepresent our thoughts and opinions by letting the reader assume that BDSM is a neat little box, tied with a string and is easily definable and identifiable. When in fact, if someone enjoys Bondage and some teasing, they might lead us to believe that they are into flogging and blood letting by over using "BDSM" to describe their tastes.

Again, someone who is critical of BDSM may only be critical of sadism and masochism, yet, all the bondage nuts may feel a need to defend their views when in fact, it isn't their kink that is being questioned.

I am attaching a post JazzMan Jim made nearly a year ago to help demonstrate my point and to clarify some things. In the meantime, let's talk about our individual interpretation and practice of the alphabet soup approach to sexuality and intimacy

Yes, BDSM....or just D or just M or a B with a smattering of S?

Thanks, JMJ! *hugs*

Since we have ourselves new digs, I thought it might be a good idea to get on the table what BDSM actually is and what it's not.

For those who have been "into the lifestyle" for a while, you know what a wide net of behaviors BDSM encompasses. For those of you who are just kind of dipping your toe into things (No! That's *not* what I meant!!), you're probably finding just how much is really covered under the umbrella of BDSM.

So I'm going to lob the topic out there and get some responses and do some posting back, too.

I do want to say, though, that BDSM isn't an "all or nothing" kind of thing. Especially for the new, BDSM can be an awfully daunting thing as more and more is revealed. You might get the thought that you may like one or two things, but not a few others. Don't let is get to you. It's like that for everyone. As this thread gets bigger, there's going to be all sorts of stuff that newer folks have never heard before, and more than likely, a few things that even the most experienced here have rarely seen.

So let's get going easily. What doers BDSM actually stand for? Well, BDSM is such a neat lifetsyle that it manages to incorporate five words in only four letters!

Bondage - This is were you get tied up. Cuffs, Restrants, Straps, Sawhorses, Eyebolts on the Walls, Chains, Blindfolds, Elaborate Knots and Rope Tricks - you name it, it's here! Often this is used in conjunction with one of the others below, but many folks do enjoy Bondage without D/s or S&M
Dominance and Submission (D/s) - This involves the exchange of power - of one person ceding some level of control to another or one person submitting to the commands of another. It can often involve Bondage, but doesn't have to. Pain-play can also be involved, but, again, it doesn't have to.
Sadism and Masochism (S&M) - This is, IMO, less about pain itself but about strong sensations, giving them and receiving them. Oftentimes S&M involes sensations which are not at all painful, such as tickling, ice play, and the like. It's worthwhile to note that the S&M used here is not the psychological definition of the words.

*snip*

So that's a start. Let's get some more information out there. [/QUOTE

 

[Goddess Helena]

BDSM is a catch all in a lot of ways.

There are so many variations and different versions out there.

No, I have nothing good to add.
Just thought I'd bump this thread a bit.


Helena

 

[~*sunkyssed_kym*~]

It seems to me that in recent weeks, many are using alphabet soup approach to "BDSM." That is to say that this anachronym keeps popping up when the poster may actually be referring only to sadism, masochism, Dominance or Bondage.

In so doing, we misrepresent our thoughts and opinions by letting the reader assume that BDSM is a neat little box, tied with a string and is easily definable and identifiable. When in fact, if someone enjoys Bondage and some teasing, they might lead us to believe that they are into flogging and blood letting by over using "BDSM" to describe their tastes.

Again, someone who is critical of BDSM may only be critical of sadism and masochism, yet, all the bondage nuts may feel a need to defend their views when in fact, it isn't their kink that is being questioned.

I am attaching a post JazzMan Jim made nearly a year ago to help demonstrate my point and to clarify some things. In the meantime, let's talk about our individual interpretation and practice of the alphabet soup approach to sexuality and intimacy

Yes, BDSM....or just D or just M or a B with a smattering of S?

Thanks, JMJ! *hugs*

Since we have ourselves new digs, I thought it might be a good idea to get on the table what BDSM actually is and what it's not.

For those who have been "into the lifestyle" for a while, you know what a wide net of behaviors BDSM encompasses. For those of you who are just kind of dipping your toe into things (No! That's *not* what I meant!!), you're probably finding just how much is really covered under the umbrella of BDSM.

So I'm going to lob the topic out there and get some responses and do some posting back, too.

I do want to say, though, that BDSM isn't an "all or nothing" kind of thing. Especially for the new, BDSM can be an awfully daunting thing as more and more is revealed. You might get the thought that you may like one or two things, but not a few others. Don't let is get to you. It's like that for everyone. As this thread gets bigger, there's going to be all sorts of stuff that newer folks have never heard before, and more than likely, a few things that even the most experienced here have rarely seen.

So let's get going easily. What doers BDSM actually stand for? Well, BDSM is such a neat lifetsyle that it manages to incorporate five words in only four letters!

Bondage - This is were you get tied up. Cuffs, Restrants, Straps, Sawhorses, Eyebolts on the Walls, Chains, Blindfolds, Elaborate Knots and Rope Tricks - you name it, it's here! Often this is used in conjunction with one of the others below, but many folks do enjoy Bondage without D/s or S&M
Dominance and Submission (D/s) - This involves the exchange of power - of one person ceding some level of control to another or one person submitting to the commands of another. It can often involve Bondage, but doesn't have to. Pain-play can also be involved, but, again, it doesn't have to.
Sadism and Masochism (S&M) - This is, IMO, less about pain itself but about strong sensations, giving them and receiving them. Oftentimes S&M involes sensations which are not at all painful, such as tickling, ice play, and the like. It's worthwhile to note that the S&M used here is not the psychological definition of the words.

*snip*

So that's a start. Let's get some more information out there. [/QUOTE

OK MissT, my kink is plain and simple.
B- YES!, i enjoy Bondage. Doesn't matter what type, as long as i am bound to my Master's will, i am happy
D/s- Again a resounding YES!! i need to be able to give over my will to my Master. In doing so, i feel comlpete and whole. It has taken me many years to come to terms with this fact and now have inner peace because of my submission. i remember Cymbidia's AV had Stength through submission, and the longer i submit, i see this as truth.
S&M-Well, well, well.... This is the icing on the cake, is it not?? Its the prize won with my obedience. It can range from ice play and tickling, to the sting of the cat or the exquisite pain of the nipple clamps biting deeply.(to name a few ) There's all sorts of delicous pleasure to be found in S&M. Just depends where one's tolerence is.


-kym- May i order my BDSM to go please??

 

[lark sparrow]

For me

I've seen BDSM broken down as such: B&D = Bondage and discipline, D/s = Dominace/submision, SM = Sadomasochism.

Dominance and submission (power exchange) first and foremost, must include elements of SadoMasochism for maximum fulfillment for me. Bondage is more of a means to an end, not a beloved activity in and of itself yet, though I enjoy it, and discipline, yes please!

 

[Ebonyfire]

Tools of the Trade

I personally look at BDSM as my tools of the trade. I consider myself as more a D/s practitioner who uses these tools.

I do not find it necessary to defend any or all aspects of BDSM.

 

[MissTaken]

I agree with you, eb. However, some people, myself included get drawn into a defense mode.

lark sparrow, yes, exactly my point. We all interprate our BDSM and practice it as we see fit and enjoy. However, I am just concerned that not everyone recognizes the intricaties and that there is no term to conclusively identify what anyone of us enjoys.

And I imagine there are few people out there who practice the entire body of BDSM. They would have to be very busy!

Labels are tools by which we facilitate discussion. As for what I like, who gives a flying flit what it is called?

 

[lark sparrow]

lol I was just giving you what I thought you asked for from posters - not disagreeing with ya. I would actually defend your right to do a BDSM practice even if I wasn't particularly involved in it myself. BDSM as a larger concept or definition makes for a stronger more inclusive group, rather than closed fringe circles. Although it's definitely interesting to break it down and study the components and intrepretations as well.

Smiles, I would give a flying flit if you cared to spell it out.

Knee-jerk reaction and rushing in like a fool to save and admonish us usually doesn't include much research anyhow. BDSM = bad... damn.... scary... mmmm.... bad... damn... scary.... mmmmm... bad... damn... scary.... mmmmmmmmm

 

[zipman]

lol I was just giving you what I thought you asked for from posters - not disagreeing with ya. I would actually defend your right to do a BDSM practice even if I wasn't particularly involved in it myself. BDSM as a larger concept or definition makes for a stronger more inclusive group, rather than closed fringe circles. Although it's definitely interesting to break it down and study the components and intrepretations as well.

Smiles, I would give a flying flit if you cared to spell it out.

Knee-jerk reaction and rushing in like a fool to save and admonish us usually doesn't include much research anyhow. BDSM = bad... damn.... scary... mmmm.... bad... damn... scary.... mmmmm... bad... damn... scary.... mmmmmmmmm

The larger concept or definition also recognizes the various areas of overlap that naturally occur. Some consider spanking to be a part of S&M as receiving a spanking can be rather painful. There are others who assert that they only engage in spanking as a means of asserting their dominance, and don't spank their partners hard at all. So, where does it go? The larger umbrella is certainly more inclusive.

 

[cellis]

There is none of all the rest if the D/s element is not there. It is O/our kink... It is O/our mind set. D/s is what drives all the rest.

Of course it does help that Himself is deliciously sadistic and that I am a masochist... among other things...

It helps that He loves tying me up and putting me in bondage....

It might not be someone else's kink... but it is O/ours...

I really don't care how others define BDSM... it is how W/we define it that matters.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Whatever it is... you will know it when you do it.

 

[cellis]

Whatever it is... you will know it when you do it.

Hello Rose!

It is good to see you!

 

[A Desert Rose]

Hello Rose!

It is good to see you!

HI ya Cellis!!! Wonderful to see you, and many others too!

backatcha.

 

[MissTaken]

Whatever it is... you will know it when you do it.

Mmm I like that thought!

Hiya ADR!




It is good to see you and Zipman posting.

 

[psiberzerker]

Exellent thread!

You bet, the alphabet soup gets abusive after a while. I got sick of the "TransLesBiGay" shit before that in the Pride community. I understand the source of this, I've been guilty of it myself. The truth is, BDSM is a lot faster, and easier to type, or sew onto a banner. The other thing I've seen is obscure subcultures bitching about being left out.
Yet again, it goes back to fucking semantics. Call it what you will, and I'll use my terms. Usually, I can tell by context clues when someone's talking about B&D, D/s, or SM. Likewize, I like to be explicit about what I'm talking about whatever terms I use.
BDSM happens to cover pretty much everything, without focusing on anything in particular. It can also be broken up into it's constituent parts for added versatility, which is one of the reasons I like it.
If people use it wrong, so what? I don't worry about confusion, it's natural when you'er dealing with several people, each trying to express their own takes on the same, or similar things. I've really got better things to worry about.

 

[lark sparrow]

The larger concept or definition also recognizes the various areas of overlap that naturally occur. Some consider spanking to be a part of S&M as receiving a spanking can be rather painful. There are others who assert that they only engage in spanking as a means of asserting their dominance, and don't spank their partners hard at all. So, where does it go? The larger umbrella is certainly more inclusive.

Right, good point - the nuances in approach to each individual activity. Which can make for interesting specific thread topic study taken one at at a time, but the alphabet soup approach in "BDSM" is necessary for general conversation and group cohesion. It clarifies the general principles and practices.

Someone compared kink/BDSM to apples in another thread. Could be a green apple, or a red apple, a red delicious, a granny smith, an apple from Washington or New Zealand... a wax apple, an apple with a worm in it... apple as a favorite snack or for dietary purposes, an apple a day or once a month... liking them mushy, or hard and green, or as sauce, as juice... eating it whole or cut into slices or squares...with peanut butter or cheese or in a pie... peeled, unpeeled, baked or dried... bobbing for apples as sport, the history of Johnny Appleseed, the pollenation and propagation of apple trees, notes from a seasonal apple picker (okay I'll stop) but the main topic is still essentially about apples.

We're not talking about oranges, unless we open it to fruits in general. Then we could move into differences between fruits and veggies and so on.

 

[lark sparrow]

The larger concept or definition also recognizes the various areas of overlap that naturally occur. Some consider spanking to be a part of S&M as receiving a spanking can be rather painful. There are others who assert that they only engage in spanking as a means of asserting their dominance, and don't spank their partners hard at all. So, where does it go? The larger umbrella is certainly more inclusive.

Right, good point - the nuances in approach to each individual activity. Which can make for interesting specific thread topic study taken one at at a time, but the alphabet soup approach in "BDSM" is necessary for general conversation and group cohesion. It clarifies the general principles and practices.

Someone compared kink/BDSM to apples in another thread. Could be a green apple, or a red apple, a red delicious, a granny smith, an apple from Washington or New Zealand... a wax apple, an apple with a worm in it... apple as a favorite snack or for dietary purposes, an apple a day or once a month... liking them mushy, or hard and green, or as sauce, as juice... eating it whole or cut into slices or squares...with peanut butter or cheese or in a pie... peeled, unpeeled, baked or dried... bobbing for apples as sport, the history of Johnny Appleseed, the pollenation and propagation of apple trees, notes from a seasonal apple picker (okay I'll stop) but the main topic is still essentially about apples.

We're not talking about oranges, unless we open it to fruits in general. Then we could move into differences between fruits and veggies and so on... apples are edible and so are crackers, fire engines are red and so are some apples, but some apples are green more like grass, etc. When we go that far we are no longer talking about apples, but edible things, or colors. So being too narrow is not the only "where does it go?" at times.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Glad to see LDR and zipman posting. Lawdy, lawdy I missed ya'll.

<Eb, sipping a mint julep>

 

[cellis]

The larger concept or definition also recognizes the various areas of overlap that naturally occur. Some consider spanking to be a part of S&M as receiving a spanking can be rather painful. There are others who assert that they only engage in spanking as a means of asserting their dominance, and don't spank their partners hard at all. So, where does it go? The larger umbrella is certainly more inclusive.

Oh Zip! I don't know how I missed you! I am so very glad to see back among us again!

By the way I do agree that the larger umbrella is more inclusive.

 

[FungiUg]

Labels

Humans have a tendency to categorise and label things. This is not a bad thing, it's simply how our brains work.

BDSM is a label -- but it does not define the practitioners. The trick with labels is to remember every individual will have their own interpretation.

The interesting thing is, "Dominant", "Top", "Master" are all lables as well. So are "Submissive", "Bottom", and "Slave". The realities of how these work out vary from person to person, relationship to relationship.

People who annoy me are those that tell me that I should be defined by my label. "You're not a 'real' Dom because..." There have been more than one of those comments in my two years of experiencing BDSM.

What is a "real Dominant"? What is BDSM? I'll tell you what they are... they're labels. They allow us to find link-minded people, but they don't define who we are.

We are what we make of ourselves.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Glad to see LDR and zipman posting. Lawdy, lawdy I missed ya'll.

<Eb, sipping a mint julep>

Hi ya dolly. I have missed you, but love your emails.



Hi ya, MissyT. Sorry I missed your birthday and the greetings that went with it. Hope you had a lovely day.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Seems as good as any to 'bump' to stimulate some more good discussion.

 

[Etoile]

FWIW, it's an acronym, not an anachronym! (Don't think that's a word, MissT was probably thinking of anachronism.)

 

[bunny bondage]

saying "i like BDSM" is like saying "i like ice cream." i happen to adore a scoop of chocolate with m&ms on top in a waffle cone. someone else might like rocky road with hot fudge in a cup. we like the same thing, just differently.

 

[MissTaken]

saying "i like BDSM" is like saying "i like ice cream." i happen to adore a scoop of chocolate with m&ms on top in a waffle cone. someone else might like rocky road with hot fudge in a cup. we like the same thing, just differently.

I like that analogy.

 

[bunny bondage]

I like that analogy.

why thank you!