BDSM Reputation

[MsWorthy]

Risia wrote:

"I know in my heart that the day I stop seeing my own faults, recognizing my limitations, and cautioning against taking my own (or *any* single person or opinion) too seriously, I'll be guilty of the worst kind of intellectual arrogance--attitude substituting for insight. I'd NEVER want to become someone for whom reputation matters more than ideas and fostering an ongoing conversation, or who takes themselves so seriously that they stop being able to acknowledge and laugh at their own frailties."

http://www.literotica.com/forum/sho...25&pagenumber=1

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How important is your reputation to you?

Would you allow other's opinions of you to stifle expressing, publically, your questions, concerns, or fears, because expressing them may make it appear as though you are not as knowledgeable and self-confident as you are (or would like to think you are)?

I know that there was an expectation of strength and self-confidence that was/is expected from me in order to be accepted/respected as a domme. It was much more than an expectation of knowledge or experience, I had to *appear* to be in control, self-assured, unemotional, secure, and without any doubts to gain respect. It was only after I had established a reputation that my *humanness* was accepted. So, I do feel that I allowed my reputation (or concern for what other's thought of me) to stifle my expression of the *whole* of me - doubts, fears, pain, and insecurity included.

God forbid that a dom/me should cry!

What do you think about reputation?

 

[rosco rathbone]

I was trying to address this exact topic in my "Vulnerability of Dominants" thread; although I might not have expressed myself clearly enough.

In my wisest hours, I find strength in nakedness and open-ness. Fundamentally, though, I am a true believer in the power of the shell of impregnable macho-or macha-glamour. Some of us learn to affect that early on and its rewards are addictive. This is a rough conflict to work out.

 

[MsWorthy]

I was trying to address this exact topic in my "Vulnerability of Dominants" thread; although I might not have expressed myself clearly enough.

In my wisest hours, I find strength in nakedness and open-ness. Fundamentally, though, I am a true believer in the power of the shell of impregnable macho-or macha-glamour. Some of us learn to affect that early on and its rewards are addictive. This is a rough conflict to work out.

I agree, Rosco, it is difficult to know where to draw the line. It seems to keep moving depending on the circumstance, doesn't it?

 

[Ebonyfire]

Hmmmm

I have to divide this into two categories.

Professional & personal

Professionally, I like to have a good one, so that I can work, and get paid for my efforts.

Personally, I prefer to have a inner integrity rather than a reputation.

A long time ago someone told me this little adage:

"One (wo)man's asshole is another (wo)man's Prince."

I have found that reputation is just a form of gossip. If someone likes you, it will be good; if they dispise you it will be bad. If they respect you, it won't matter.

Reputation is an external, integrity is an internal (at least that is my opinion). I decided it is much better to define myself rather than let others do it for me.

As long as the people who matter have a good opinion, I am content. But my own inner standard (integrity) is what matters to me.

Ebony

 

[rosco rathbone]

[/color]

I agree, Rosco, it is difficult to know where to draw the line. It seems to keep moving depending on the circumstance, doesn't it?

Curse those constantly moving lines.

It's the same ol story: one's outer shell emits an attractive spell-a "glamour" in the orginal sense-and the rest of one's being is left dealing with the consequences.

 

[artful]

How important is your reputation to you?
I *do* care what my reputation is to the people who are close to me. I in no way wish for them to THINK, I am something I am not.

Would you allow other's opinions of you to stifle expressing, publically, your questions, concerns, or fears, because expressing them may make it appear as though you are not as knowledgeable and self-confident as you are (or would like to think you are)?
No,...because I want all to see me as who I am. I state my opinions purposefully, and publicly, to let others SEE me, for who I am. As far as my fears are concerned,...I work on those as time and opportunities allow.

What do you think about reputation?

Though not over prideful,...I have no wish to be anyone other than myself. Do I strive to improve myself in areas where I perceive weakness, and a need for improvement? You betcha, but having said that, I am content with my progress.

(JMHO),...but it's mine, and well, er,...uhm, it's mine.

 

[Lancecastor]

When I was younger I used to worry more about what others thought.

Now, not so much.

I know what I'm doing most of the time and when I don't, I step off and figure it out.

Even my few detractors IRL will talk first about my brain and my tenacious approach. I take that as a good sign.

L

 

[UCE]

Dear Ms. Worthy,

First of all, I've been trying to answer your pm but your mailbox is always full. What a popular lady!

I have a close girlfriend who went through something like what you did. She cared very deeply about her reputation at one time, not so much with individual people, but with groups and she too thought she had to be a certain way or talk a certain way. It was nice to see her relax over the years and let all that stuff go. For her, it happened as part of the process of entering into one's own that many women go through in their 40s. I barely recognize her now, she's so at peace with herself, lol.

I think that this issue is more a problem for a dominant that a submissive. It's kind of expected that a submissive will "let it all hang out." It's an accepted part of what people think submissives do. Submissives have the blessed freedom of being able to make normal human mistakes without anyone gasping in shock or going apeshit. And yeah, there is that myth floating around that dominants are invincible. Any submissive I've asked face to face will deny that she believes this, but when she's in a realationship with a domoinant, she acts as if that person cannot fail.

What you're describing is kind of like the thing some men have about asking for directions. They just hate to do so, I think for reasons similar to the ones you've expressed, so if they've got a woman with them, they'll ask (or make) her to do the asking. I sure hope I'm not the only woman here who's run into men like that: it would say something kind of embarassing about my choice in men, I think, lol.

Rosco is right, they are talking about a similar issue over in his thread, although I haven't had a chance to read it all yet. While some dominants may start out thinking they must not admit mistakes or do anything that might make them look dumb, I think that over the years as they gain confidence in themselves (and nothing does that better than an utterly devoted slave they start to loosen up, first around their nearest and dearest, and later around their close bdsm friends.

I think also that some dominants also hold back expressing their real selves because they don't want to hurt anyone accidentally. It's a part of the big responsibilty thing that the best of dominants carry on their shoulders. But they are hurting someone when they do this: they are hurting themselves.

My personal experience meets yours Ms.Wotthy in one place: I personally find that in new situations and groups I tend know a lot and try to express that knowledge, but in my enthusiasm I will often shoot off my mouth prematurely and unwisely. Not flame, just not get my facts absolutely straight because I am going too fast. Think of Herminoe Granger in those delightful Harry Potter books, and you'll see the similarity maybe, lol. It's always hard that very first time around new people especially to say "Oops, I made a mistake. It isn't THIS at all like I said in the other message, it's actually THAT," but once you do that for the first time, it's much easier to do it the next time you make a mistake. Of course, in a new group it's always the same thing all over again: the first goof can be an uncomfortable one. I know I've made many such goofs by now in Literotica but I just haven't recongized them yet, lol, so I am still feeling fine!

 

[MissTaken]

Reputation?

I rode on the coat tails of a well earned reputation for a long time.

IN the wake of the divorce, small towns being what they are, the reputation was lost.

The friends were gone.

Even stories about my professional conduct were fodder for the rumor mills.

It devastated me for a very long time.

Then, I realized, I know who I am, where my strengths and needs are and if others don't realize the truth about me, they are a fickle lot who don't deserve my time and attention.

I am, by and large, at peace with "me", now.

I am slowly rebuilding the reputation, but in this county? I don't care if I do or not.

I also found that my strengths and qualities are far more well known outside of this area than just to the little frogs in this pissant area.

REferring back to my "Dream Job" thread..... I was contacted about that position based on reputation. It is another county and a completely different setting.

Personally, my reputation no longer matters. People see a person who is at peace with herself and doing her level best to raise her children. They can respect my choices or not. They can like me or not. I like me. I respect me. My children love me unconditionally and intensely.

Am I changing the focus of the thread? I hope not.

In terms of submission....good sub, lousy sub? I am know only I am the right sub for the right Dom.

 

[MsWorthy]

Thank you, Rosco, Ebony, Art, Lance, UCE, and Miss T for responding. I appreciate the insight you have all offered.



~I cleared my mailbox, UCE. *smiles*~

 

[punjab]

Re: Reputation?

Then, I realized, I know who I am, where my strengths and needs are and if others don't realize the truth about me, they are a fickle lot who don't deserve my time and attention.

I am, by and large, at peace with "me", now.

Miss T, If any one has said anything of greater value than what you said in the few words I have taken from your quote, I have not read them.

Being in contact with who you are and being at peace with that person is the greatest of triumphs any man or woman can achieve. I applaud you!

Master David

 

[MissTaken]

Thank you, M David.

I must say, tomorrow I may feel differently on the matter.

T'is a woman's perrogative, no?

 

[punjab]

Yes Miss T, it is a womans' perogative and nature to change her mind as often as the second hand on the clock.


Master David

 

[Soron]

Reputation

I have no idea what my reputation is. When I was younger and very crazy I didn't really care. I was pretty much out for myself. I played in a band all through school and thought I was King you know what.
Just before high school I met a guy who could run circles around me on a guitar and I was dying to be his friend so I could learn all I could from him. He taught me more than just runs on a guitar neck. He taught me to have passion for my music and my life. In a way I was a slave to his Master. He opened up what had been there along inside of me. He was strong and yet humble. He treated everyone with respect. He showed me you could learn from your mistakes. I had always tried to blame them on someone else. When I lost this friend in 1974, his death took it's toll on me for awhile. But, inside I finally figured out that life only comes for but a fleeting moment in time. So, you had better live it to the fullest and maybe you can earn a little respect along the way.
It's the same with being a Dom. If you're arrogant enough to think you can't make mistakes then you not only do yourself a disservice, but any submissive under your care.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Reputation, in regards to the internet, does not matter, on my more rational days. No one knows me. No one cares what I think or say. We post to see ourselves recognized. But the bottom line is that nothing I do post will really have an iota of a difference on anyone.

And that is how it should be. I am a stranger among other strangers. What difference do I make in the big picture of another Litster's life? None......

But it's a fun place to read and post to and I will continue....~smiling~

 

[artful]

ADR

Reputation, in regards to the internet, does not matter, on my more rational days. No one knows me. No one cares what I think or say. We post to see ourselves recognized. But the bottom line is that nothing I do post will really have an iota of a difference on anyone.

And that is how it should be. I am a stranger among other strangers. What difference do I make in the big picture of another Litster's life? None......

But it's a fun place to read and post to and I will continue....~smiling~

Rose,...though I am your friend,...I feel I have to post my disagreement with what you have stated. Your words,...what you post,...what others post, does indeed,(IMO), affect the big picture.
Sometimes in a powerful yet subtle fashion,...but still,...they ARE affecting. Sometimes in ways that are not ever realised consciously,...but still,...they have an impact.

(JMHO),...but it's mine,...and I own it.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Well, okay Art. Thank you for your opinion. ~smiling~ You're my friend, too.

 

[quietwillow]

In my younger years, I always thought about what others thought of me and I was afraid to be myself. Now though I am much older and wiser and really do not care what others think of me. I think as personal growth and maturity expands you as a person, those old thoughts of being liked by everyone (remember high school?) fade away.

quiet

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: ADR

Rose,...though I am your friend,...I feel I have to post my disagreement with what you have stated. Your words,...what you post,...what others post, does indeed,(IMO), affect the big picture.
Sometimes in a powerful yet subtle fashion,...but still,...they ARE affecting. Sometimes in ways that are not ever realised consciously,...but still,...they have an impact.

(JMHO),...but it's mine,...and I own it.

Hey Art, I have to disagree with you there!

Eb

 

[artful]

Eb

Hey Art, I have to disagree with you there!

Eb

...and that's ok too Sis.-LOL

 

[zipman]

Re: Eb

...and that's ok too Sis.-LOL

And I have to agree with you...well, sort of. I think what we post can influence others in the way that you mentioned.

That potential to be a revelation to someone else does exist. The question is how many of us are open-minded enough to see the wisdom and apply it introspectively?

 

[Ghost's amaris]

I think everyones opinion counts an affects other because there are those that are learning and what they read even if it is contridicting it lets them work there way through and learn from everyone.

They will find out who is reputiable and how is not and it is all over a matter of time.

Ghost's amaris