BDSM Newbie seeking advice, words of wisdom...

[jodie77]

I am new to the BDSM scene and to lit and I have begun a period of self discovery. I am a 30 year old female sub, and I am trying to define what being submissive means to me and what I hope to achieve from a D/s relationship. I would love to hear from other subs, new or experienced who would like to share their stories, experiences or any advice that you may have that can assist me in developing my submissive side.

I would also like to hear from any Doms who would care to share their views/expectations of their subs.

 

[tanijaana]

It's been my experience that adaptability is one of the most important qualities to have. This goes for both the dominant and the submissive. Just because something worked in relation to one person does not mean it will work for every other person that follows. Also, any common sense that you had before deciding to dive into this new part of your life should be kept. BDSM and D/s are not special just because of what they are and are not any better than vanilla. They are just different ways of living.

Lisa

 

[Chris_Xavier]

Make a list

Make a list of things you are turned on by.. another list of things that look interesting and another under the heading of NO F&^KING WAY! And be honest with yourself about these lists.

If and when you find a Dom/Master (PYL ) that you are interested in submitting to, give it to him or her and ask for a similar list in return.

Don't be afraid to assert yourself... in my book just because someone is a sub/slave (pyl) doesn't mean that they don't have a say in things. In fact, I kinda look at it like joining the Army (was there for 12yrs) - you practice your choice by signing on the dotted line (or allowing yourself to be collared/owned - whatever/however you want to term it) you agree to do as I say and how I say. If you object to the point of disobedience and we can't work it out.. there is the door (in the Army you went AWOL to Canada until CNN arrived to make you a celebrated hero for peace and understanding).

 

[myinnerslut]

im not a Dom but i thought id pop in and say hi. and wwelcome to lit.

and also, remember that all Doms are different, and the things that one requires may be a complete turn off for the next.

 

[WriterDom]

I'd spend a good two or three months educating myself before I started looking for a Dom. There are a lot of resources online. If nothing else, get involved with the community here. And I think it's good to make friends with a more experienced sub that you can trust is looking out for your best interest rather than relying on MasterJoeInternet you just met in the personal forum.

 

[GentleSub_Ivy]

First of all welcome to Lit. I am new myself and still yet to experience "real life" D/s so I don't have practical experience advice to give. However, I would reiterate what others said about research and knowing what you want. The list idea is great Chris. The BDSM library sticky at the top of this forum has a vast amount of information including links regarding this lifestyle. I'm still wading through it and taking it in.

Also, there are a couple of books I've seen mentioned that I plan on getting when I have the cash. They are "The New Topping Book" and "The New Bottoming Book." Maybe others can give you more info on them. Sorry I can't be of more help.

Have fun at Lit.

Ivy

 

[catalina_francisco]

Writer Dom gives great advice. I will add to that you should take the time to reassess who you are, what you beleive in all types of things, what type of relationship you would like in terms of play or lifestyle or somewhere in between, and most of all keep an open mind but not so open you change it to suit the first person who comes along and beats their chest saying 'me Dom/me, you sub, now kneel bitch'. Look for someone you can have a relationship with on all levels, unless you just want to play and experiment...and don't be afraid to set limits, and also be prepared you might want to change some of them in the future as you gain confidence and experience. Most of all, the journey should be enjoyable, not a struggle where you are feeling torn apart continuously and fighting against your own nature. My belief is that submissiveness and Dominance never stop developing and changing in a person, even if they have been 24/7 for 30+ years...it is all about growth.

http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1113/536289354_e14e22efe6_t.jpg Catalina

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Furthering the advice already given, let me share 3 words of wisdom about what makes a Dominant/submissive or Master/slave relationship work:

communication, Communication, COMMUNICATION.

Don't make a home without it.

 

[stageleft]

solution

my g/f & i discovered a solution of compatibility.
her inhibitions are only released when she has her favoutite wine.
on my part she comments that im far to polite for my own good eg: that if i wish to share a particular sexual act i always ask permission.
recently when sharing her favourite wine she suggested the idea of a "dont ask ! just do " night.
when we tried this it worked wonders for us both, suiting both our needs.
it offered me freedom without fear of offending. she found it highly exhilerating as i performed my fave acts to a higher level.she in turn discovered what really pleases me most but to perform those acts without asking gave it a whole new dimension.

 

[SubKekiLee]

I agree

I am sorta new to the board but not new to this Lifestyle.. I agree with EG stating that you need communication to survive. You can not use Dont ask Dont Tell... that doesnt work.. You need to know the limits and know what you can do and have a SAFE word... so she trusts you explictly IMO...

 

[sexycaz22]

I am fairly *new* to the BDSM lifestyle. I mean, I have submitted to a couple of Doms before *online* but I am still learning and taking my time.

I enforce what the others says in this thread and I fully agree with what Evil_Geoff said :

Communication - I always feel it is very, very important to have communciation in ANY relationship, BDSM or not!

**um... I am sure I have plenty of things to say... but my mind is blank for some reason!!** Sorry, I will stop typing and come back to this thread another time when my mind is back and working!!