BDSM + monogomy?!

[Ravenwind]

There is no such thing as a "true" submissive. We are each unique in our own ways.

To my Husband, outside of the bedroom, I wait on him hand and foot as "the good wife"- it is in my nature to want to see him as happy and comfortable as possible. In the bedroom, I submit to his wants, even if it means I need to be aggressive and take the lead at times. In "real life", my Husband is an utter gentleman to me, the whole "open doors" and "pull the chair out for me" sort of bit- it is a kindness to me, and it makes him happy, however we maintain a 'vanilla' appearance. We are wholly monogamous, and married 15 years- BDSM is no more or less than any other type of sex we enjoy, games we play, or roles we take on.

To everyone else, I am a bit of a 'dominant with switch tendencies', so to speak. I can take a leadership role just as easily as I could a more submissive role... but the moment things start going awry, I'll get things back into order before whoever's leading even knows something is wrong.

Does my "real life" self creep into the bedroom? No. My views toward my Husband are not the same as my views toward my family, or that of the rest of the world. Toward him, there is no "going awry"- all situations are as they should be: that which gives him the most pleasure. Family aside, to everyone else, I don't care whether they are "pleased" or not, what matters is whatever needs to be done, gets done. (Don't get me wrong, I'd *like* for everyone to be happy, but that side of me realizes you can't please everyone all of the time).

Does that submissive side of me ever get "switched off"? Not exactly. No more than my "want to teach" side ever gets switched off. But how it expresses itself varies from person to person. I would not try to teach my Husband or my friends something in the same manner as I would my kids. In "real life", my submission is directed toward either God, or toward "the greater good"- as such, sometimes I need to be dominant to get the job done in order to be submissive toward the one calling for the job to be done.

There are women who are submissive when it comes to RL, but dominant in the bedroom (a more generic, and less BDSM-ish, type of submission); some who are doormats to everyone they come across; and some who find their own definition of "submissive"- whether it is something as "I am too feisty for my own wants, I need to be *made* submissive" to "I just like being told what to do" to "I have no self-motivation, I need to submit to someone else just to make it from day to day". What we consider as a sub is as varied as every individual.

<hijack>
Regarding the blood-types, according to Japanese traditions, there are personalities associated with various blood-types. Type A is calm and level-headed, but generally a doormat and a perfectionist. Type B is goal-oriented, even to the extent of ignoring their teammates and co-workers to get the goal done. Type O are lively, social, and speak their minds, but tend to give up easily. Type AB is a walking paradox- they like to help as long as they don't need to do too much, they can be both shy and outgoing, and are the ragequitting types.
</hijack>

 

[BLoved]

I have been getting mixed information on this from various submissives so I thought I would ask here..

Firstly do you guys think its possible to even have an exclusive relationship while exploring your D/S side?

All of my relationships involving bdsm have been monogamous.

The first relationship lasted six years, the second four years, and the third over ten years, ending with the death of my wife.

I am now in my fourth relationship, which is also monogamous.

I wanted to ask some of you subs how you would handle yourself in certain situations.

Let's say a man approaches you while walking to your car, flirts, and gives you his number. Since you are owned, and your cunt belongs to your master, would you take the number and discuss meeting?

Would you send another man pictues of your cunt and ask to meet?

You might look up the definition for "monogamy":

1. The practice or condition of having a single sexual partner during a period of time.
2. a. The practice or condition of being married to only one person at a time.
b. The practice of marrying only once in a lifetime.

 

[BLoved]

Do you think a woman is a true submissve, if outside of the bedroom they are very controlling or overbearing? Would their submissive side not carry over into their personal life? Would their demeanor not reflect that of a submissve person?

For example when are being seated at a resturaunt, should she not wait for you to choose your seat, then sit?

There are those who role-play being submissive in the bedroom. Outside of the bedroom the role ends and their true personality re-surfaces, just as an actor plays a part and when the part is done he reverts back to being who he really is.

Then there are those whose personalities are submissive. They do not role-play their submission, and are submissive both in an out of the bedroom.

This is not to say naturally submissive women cannot be assertive under certain conditions. My wife had a lot of authority in her job, but when she wasn't working she was very submissive.

 

[Caitlynne]

and then you have the weirdos like me who have an overall submissive demeanor and personality, for whom submission is not a conscious choice. ironically, this particular type of submissiveness is the most frowned upon in the lifestyle.

It's been a while since I've been around here, but the other day I was thinking about you so I dropped by today. Glad I found you in the first thread I opened. You won't remember me, I don't think we ever really talked, but I've read you for a long time with a lot of interest and sheer amazement. You are the most articulate slave I've ever read that comes from the kind of slavery you live.

I've often wondered why your type of submissive is so frowned upon. I can see why other submissives would fear your type of submission. It is just so absolute and so selfless and yes harsh to view as an outsider. But there is also something I've found myself envy a little over the years. Don't know exactly what it is, but I've come to accept that it is your choice [or non-choice as the case may be].

Life is made up of a series of similarities and contrasts, and your type of submission is a stark contrast to the most accepted. I've had to think on you for years now, and I've come to admire you in so many ways. Sometimes I think you live the real [yes, I know it's a bad bad word, but in this case it is accurate] kind of slavery, and most of us live a more romantic brand. Not that any of it is less valid to us, we all seek our own happiness, and I'm not saying it's an all or nothing kind of thing to be "really" submissive, but your brand is stark reality, with no soft landing places so to speak.

You have a strength in your submission that is not found in many in your situation. You are strong. You know what you want and you live it.

While I know it's not what I want, I understand and see your strength and commitment to your life. That's misunderstood and analyzed to death in BDSM circles, but I want you to know I admire your dedication and strength in your chosen slavery.

[Sorry for the h/j people]

To the OP, there aren't any hard and fast rules about what *is* submissive behavior and want isn't. There's only matching the desires of a Dom/me somewhat with the traits of a submissive/bottom/masochist or any combination thereof.

You seem to have but one idea of what submission is, when in reality you have your own needs and desires for what a submissive should be to you, and that is fine. Search out that submissive and make her your own. It's as simple as finding the one that meets your needs.

But, all women who self-label as submissive aren't false because they don't fit your needs and desires. They're simply not compatible [at the moment]. Which is good to know before you waste your time right? Move on to find the one that *does* meet your needs and desires.