BDSM in my life

[Blueeyeed]

Greetings everyone
As you can all tell by my post count I am very new to these boards. I've been lurking around for some time here and now, that I have more time on my hands, I decided to get more involved here.
I consider myself Dom, just from the simple things like most of the time with my spouse somehow I always end up "leading." But I have some doubts about it, since my spouse have mentioned that she sees me more as vanilla . Which is totaly opposite from my point of view. So I wanted to get others opinions on how does one decide if you are Dom or not.
In our relationship we haven't done a lot, but we had our share of fun . Most of the time she ends up being tied down and spanked, although while tied down she usually gets all body massage and her feet kissed. Maybe thats where her idea of me being vanilla comes from.
I really want to be there for her, and I think she enjoys being dominated. If I am really vanilla by nature, which I think I am not, how do I go about making her feel as if I am her Dom?
I know that few people will think this is another some kind of troll poster, by I still hope to get some creative responces and try to incorporate the ideas into our life.
Thank you in advance.

ps. for some reason my avatar doesnt show up, any tricks I should know about how to attach it?

 

[James Blandings]

You need to make 100 posts before you can have an AV.
As for the situation with your wife, it's not about what you do, but the attitude you do it with. When you scene with her, do you take a stern tone of voice? Do you make it apparent to her that you are in charge? So much of this can turn on a single word, or a gesture, or even the look on your face.
My suggestion would be to announce that you are going to play sometime when she doesnt expect it. Dont ask her if she feels like it, just tell her its time, and thats that. Do it when shes involved with something that isnt much important, like watching somethng on TV. tell her to turn it off and get in the bedroom, or whatever, and make it sound like you mean it. If she gripes, just give her the stare, trust me, she'll scoot into the bedroom, and you'll be halfway home.
One other suggestion to new dominants. ALWAYS blindfold them. The biggest problem for new doms I think is being self conscious. If they cant see you, you can relax and take your time. So that will cover up some of your feelings of being unsure what to do, and from the sub sid, the uncertainty about what you are doing is highly exciting.

 

[Blueeyeed]

Thank you for the pointers JB
We do blindfolding part, and I am trying to be rough to certain extent with her, but I am worried that I could hurt her if use more strength. Sometimes she says that I don't know how strong I am, which I take that what I take as light spank could be harder for her.
Blindfold usually comes off when she is tied up, I like her to see what's coming and in antisipation of when the pain is going to come, I see by her eyes when she expects it to hurt, then I spank her gently, teasing her. After she gets relaxed I give it to her hard unexpected.
So, from her behavior I see that she mostly likes to be sub, but I'm not sure about myself more right now, since she called me vanilla few times . She never really expressed a desire to be Dom.
Anyway, thank you for advices. Going to practice more and see how it goes.
Talk to you all soon.
Happy coming Mothers Day to all Women here

 

[lovetoread]

Happy coming Mothers Day to all Women here

Why thank you.

 

[Richard49]

It's not what U are called

If I call you a chair are you one?

Of course not. So if someone calls you vanilla does that make you one?
If someone calls you a Dom does that make you one?

The answer to both is NO !!!!!

You are what you define and bahave as that makes you what you are.

Of course this could take us into the whole discsussion about weather Doms are so naturally or choice to be or what........
I'll not go there

 

[Blueeyeed]

Thank you for your opinions everyone. Like I said before, myself now I am trying to figure out where do i belong, and her opinion matters to me. And her not being to open about it is sort of making it harder to determine our roles.
I guess there is another question I have about this stuff. I think she is more open with other people about this then with me. She does show signs that she likes it when we do it, but there is more to it then she shows I think. Hmm. Has anyone had relationships where your parnter is into BDSM with others and too shy to do it with you? And how to go about it.
K, more learning to do again.
Talk to you all later

 

[brazenblaze]

Has anyone had relationships where your parnter is into BDSM with others and too shy to do it with you? And how to go about it.
K, more learning to do again.
Talk to you all later

This is where I can speak from experience. My husband and I went through something similar. He knew that I wanted him to take more control and he liked taking control. However, he didn't realize that he only took what I gave...he never pushed...he was never willing to push. Our relationship had started very vanilla and he really wasn't equiped to change that. I'm a very strong willed person and he just wasn't strong enough to take control of me. It always left me feeling..."fake". It became necessary for us(me) to seek my desires elsewhere. Over time...I got what I needed and he discovered that he could be what I needed...and get his own enjoyment out of it.

Sometimes it is better to explore elsewhere until you get your "land legs". We were so hung up on our defined roles we didn't know how to step out of them. By seeking outside "help" we found the "real" us and things have worked out perfectly.


He will never be really DOM, but I can live with that for the sake of our marriage.

 

[Trainerman]

Just a few thoughts.......

Firstly, I would echo Richard49...a good point and well put. To repeat something I put elsewhere...don't worry about fitting pidgeon holes (after all, you don't know where a pidgeon and its hole have been !! lol)

More seriously:- IMHO ANY relationship lives or dies on some key points, two of which are communication and trust. So can you two, over a period, have the conversations that let you know precisely what each desires ? Even if this ends up with you feeling as if you have been given a menu, I would not myself consider this "topping from the bottom" as she does not know IF you will use some (or all) of it, nor WHEN or in what order etc etc etc . But you WILL KNOW what is wanted..and sometimes the c word will appear...compromise (for those it works for) Is this any different from finding she likes Italian food, you prefer Thai so you work out way of coping with this in a mutually satisfactory way? I strongly believe that really communicating is vital

If embarrassment etc get in the way of sexual communication etc, one of my favorite ploys is..tie her up and blindfold her as usual and get talking sex. If she doesn't talk..tell her she gets no fun until she talks etc etc. Not only have you (pleasantly) surprised her and taken control of her and the situation but you give her a way to avoid embarressment etc. OF COURSE I would still recognise and respond to a safe word in this too.

I am aware that for some people, the word 'compromise' is anathema.....but nevertherless, I suggest it.

Further..trust. She probably trusts you and this is of course vital. BUT do you trust her...as in trust her to use your safe word(s) if she needs to? If you do...you can relax a little, proceeding with any spanking etc etc secure in the knowledge that you won't go too far and she is enjoying...otherwise, she will use the safe word(s).

Personally, I would leave the blindfold on more/longer. And furthermore, trying NOT to do the same things etc etc (as seems from your first post). If she can't anticipate at all....I believe that alone will make you (to her) more Don.

Either way, I wouldn't worry about 'conceptions'..yours or anyone elses. Just be the you that is fulfilled and devil take "labels"


Okay..I stop. I know what you all must be thinking :- "if this is a few thoughts, god help us if he ever has a lot to say !!!" ooops

 

[Blueeyeed]

Please do tell more
Great ideas, thank you for helping me out in this complicated matter. By the way, today I found out she wants to try changing roles, her being Dom and me sub, and see how that works. Interesting twist of events .

 

[Trainerman]

More?

ahem...... well, be warned. The words "bastard' and "devious" are usually in close juxtaposition in any sentence directed at me !!! Mind you, "inventive" and "mmmmmm" also often appear !!

Seriously...how else may we help?

BTW my partner and I occasionally switch....works for us.