BDSM in a Vanilla Relationship

[Tara S]

I'm not sure whether this better fits here or in the "how to" forum but here goes:

I'm interested in introducing BDSM play into my relationship but I'm concerned about how to go about it. My lover is considerate, gentle, caring and not at all aggressive or "kinky."

I'm interested in being bound and teased and perhaps more. Though I'm not at all submissive in my day to day life I would love to experience being so in the bed room.

Any ideas of how I could introduce this without being awkward? Has anyone else had this experience? It would probably be a lot easier if I were interested in playing the dominant role but that does nothing for me.

 

[Luvinit]

My husband is everything you described. When I recommended what you're suggesting, he jumped at the chance. Today, he has this side of him that comes out which is so out of character from the man I met years ago.

It's divine.

 

[Tara S]

My husband is everything you described. When I recommended what you're suggesting, he jumped at the chance. Today, he has this side of him that comes out which is so out of character from the man I met years ago.

It's divine.

Hopefully I will have the same happy experience. How did you bring the subject up with him?

 

[heckle]

Have you ever watched the movie The Secretary? Has he watched it? Have you watched it together?

 

[Bandit58]

I'm not sure whether this better fits here or in the "how to" forum but here goes:

I'm interested in introducing BDSM play into my relationship but I'm concerned about how to go about it. My lover is considerate, gentle, caring and not at all aggressive or "kinky."

I'm interested in being bound and teased and perhaps more. Though I'm not at all submissive in my day to day life I would love to experience being so in the bed room.

Any ideas of how I could introduce this without being awkward? Has anyone else had this experience? It would probably be a lot easier if I were interested in playing the dominant role but that does nothing for me.

Master told me the story of how He got into BDSM a few years ago - a girlfriend came over to see Him and she told him she'd been very naughty and needed to be punished......she asked Him to spank her, He complied and the rest is history

 

[cb_63]

Hopefully I will have the same happy experience. How did you bring the subject up with him?

She was rather hesitant at first, worried about how I would take it I think. Just be honest with yourself and your lover. It'll all work out, somehow.

 

[Vixandra]

If you want something how will he ever know it unless you ask about it?
Be honest with him- he might even want to try the same thing with you but doesn't know how to broach the subject.
Worst case- he looks at you as if you're a freak and leaves.
Best case- you've opened a whole new world of ways to please one another.

I doubt that worst case will happen, but it is possible. Not probable but possible.

You have to decide whether you trust him enough and trust yourself enough to walk this path.
I'd check out the Library I'm sure there's a few "first timers" threads in there.
Good luck!

 

[ozraven]

My husband is everything you described. When I recommended what you're suggesting, he jumped at the chance. Today, he has this side of him that comes out which is so out of character from the man I met years ago.

It's divine.

*grin*

Yep, worked for us much the same way..................

I had no idea such an aggressive woman would be such a submissive lover until we "explored", nor that I would enjoy being dominant so much...........

Funny thing we discovered, and I know from reading here it's hardly new or unique, she, as the sub, is the one who truly has the power.............just a very subtle version of it.

Hi Beautiful, hope you and hubby are having a great weekend

 

[Tara S]

Well thanks everyone for all the encouragement!

I think my greatest fear in all of this is changing the dynamic of our relationship somehow for the worse or embarrassing myself with a clumsy request.

What I would love to do is seduce him into play, and I think that's the approach I will eventually take. Any suggestions? I was thinking about maybe a long night of teasing foreplay and then popping out some restraints for him to play with. Sorta like Bandit's suggestion.

Heckle, I have seen the movie the Secretary, but it didn't do tons for me. I thought the bdsm theme was overpowered by the other issues in the movie.

 

[heckle]

Heckle, I have seen the movie the Secretary, but it didn't do tons for me. I thought the bdsm theme was overpowered by the other issues in the movie.

I did not mean it to sound as a "this is how it's done" movie. More of a discussion starter between the two of you. A point to "break the ice" if you are not sure about just bringing the topic up all of a sudden.

 

[Tara S]

I did not mean it to sound as a "this is how it's done" movie. More of a discussion starter between the two of you. A point to "break the ice" if you are not sure about just bringing the topic up all of a sudden.

Ahh, my mistake... I can see how I could use it to start some discussion. Thanks

 

[Etoile]

Bound, on the other hand, is not something that would be helpful. Can't judge a movie by its name, I guess!

As for BDSM Talk vs. How To...

I get very frustrated when people over in HT send questioners here for something little like spanking. I think we can get pretty hardcore and serious over here in BDSM Talk, and if somebody from HT sees that they may get confused. They may think that what we're talking about is too intense, and therefore if what they're interested in falls in this category, then that's too intense, and they won't try something they might find fun.

 

[Tara S]

Bound, on the other hand, is not something that would be helpful. Can't judge a movie by its name, I guess!

As for BDSM Talk vs. How To...

I get very frustrated when people over in HT send questioners here for something little like spanking. I think we can get pretty hardcore and serious over here in BDSM Talk, and if somebody from HT sees that they may get confused. They may think that what we're talking about is too intense, and therefore if what they're interested in falls in this category, then that's too intense, and they won't try something they might find fun.

I am interested in the more intense aspects, but for now I'll be happy to start with a spanking! Going to go for the gold next weekend. A nice dinner, his favorite sundress, an innocently titled vid to start the discussion and then... hopefully some exploration.

 

[shelleb4]

vanilla to bdsm

I wish you luck and lust in your quest. I myself came here a few months ago with this in mind. I had so much help from people here, what i didnt have was help from my SO, its not always successful. At the time, he took D role and i was left with, yep, the other side. But thinking myself a switch, that was ok. It didnt go well, so i gave up and returned to vanilla.
Then got sneaky.............

now i am on the other side of the journey, going slowly, leading him with trust in one hand and a carrot in the other, and bit by bit, slowly but surely, he submits to his deepest darkest wishes, as i soar fullfilling mine

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Re: vanilla to bdsm

and bit by bit, slowly but surely, he submits to his deepest darkest wishes, as i soar fullfilling mine

Oh my...!

So you're back! Nice to see you. Let us know how it goes and what works for you?

Bit of a switch myself -- though it sounds like you are exploring Dommehood -- so am quite curious.

(Btw, something I've seen come up from several women is the idea of somehow losing respect, or fear of losing respect, for males who submit to one. I can't see it myself, but wonder if this has been an issue and how you've gotten past it? Don't want to stir up trouble where there isn't any. Wondering though, as it is hard to control our feelings about things, how people get themselves past the troublesome ones -- if they have them. So maybe can use some of the ideas to help me deal with my own troublesome feelings in other areas of this. And you always have thoughtful, interesting things to say.)

 

[catalina_francisco]

Perhaps watching 91/2 weeks might be a starting point for the discussion. Could be started from a few angles, not least being if he sees the shopping for specific things and introduction of the control element mixed with the erotic as a fun experiment. Not a heavy movie in BDSM terms, mostly aimed at mainstream audiences, so maybe no too challenging for an opening to discuss. And like you, The Secretary didn't work for me either. Good luck.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

*grin*

Yep, worked for us much the same way..................

I had no idea such an aggressive woman would be such a submissive lover until we "explored", nor that I would enjoy being dominant so much...........

Funny thing we discovered, and I know from reading here it's hardly new or unique, she, as the sub, is the one who truly has the power.............just a very subtle version of it.

Nice to see you here...love your art. It is beautiful.

Catalina

 

[Tara S]

Well I finally got my spanking this weekend!!!

I thoroughly enjoyed it - though I don't think my lover is sold.

For my part all I can say is... Wow! Pain and Pleasure sure make a great pair!

Tara

 

[WriterDom]

Well I finally got my spanking this weekend!!!

Woohoo. Another non-virgin ass.

 

[tsk3us]

Re: Re: vanilla to bdsm

Btw, something I've seen come up from several women is the idea of somehow losing respect, or fear of losing respect, for males who submit to one. I can't see it myself, but wonder if this has been an issue and how you've gotten past it? Don't want to stir up trouble where there isn't any. Wondering though, as it is hard to control our feelings about things, how people get themselves past the troublesome ones -- if they have them. So maybe can use some of the ideas to help me deal with my own troublesome feelings in other areas of this. And you always have thoughtful, interesting things to say.)

having been submissive all my life, I got together with this guy and in talking about what we wanted, etc. turned out he wants not to be in control. For me, this was a little awkward at first. #1, not knowing if I had the capability in me to be domme...and moreover, of our situation. This is a man I respect more than any man I've ever met before....and in trying and testing and spending more time in the domme aspect of this particular relationship....I've found that I respect him even more (didn't know that was possible).

 

[DarkLadyOfDeath]

Same Boat

There's a thread around here that I started with pretty much the same issues. I'll see if I can drag up the thread but I'm finding he's more open to it if you start with the..hmm less aggrevise means though You go girl for getting your spanking! I've yet to get a thorough one. Otherwise I was going to suggest investing in a good vibrator and getting him to use that. I also checked out some of the short stories which gave me other ideas I have yet to try but you seem to have yourself a man willing to go quicker than mine. merf now I'm getting flack.. meh.. Maybe I get out the rideing crop.

 

[angellebug]

I've asked my lover to be agressive, told him I wanted to be spanked, tied up, all that...but he isn't into it. ~pouts~ Anyone have any advice for my next move?

 

[Tara S]

I finally got my spanking by just asking.

We were out to dinner with some friends and I leaned over and whispered in his ear that I was feeling really really excited and that if were to take me home, put me over his knee and give me a little paddling I'd give him a long slow anything at all that he wished for. He must have turned 14 shades of red!!!

A couple of hours later we were back at his place with me on his lap with my jeans around my ankles. He was quite passive about the whole thing, but I squirmed and begged enough to get more than a little sting. He played with me at the same time and I have to say it was a pretty intense orgasm. I thoroughly enjoyed the feeling of the heat and sting of the spanks combined with the feelings of the strength of his fingers in me.

Anyway, in the end it was very enjoyable but it would have been much better if he had been more aggressive, stern and demanding. I don't think it’s in his nature at all. In fact later he said that he felt very uncomfortable hurting me even if it was something that I wanted. So, will we do it again? I hope so, but we have to work on that comfort thing a little more I guess.

As far as trying out other kinks with him... I guess I'll have to proceed slowly but surely...

 

[littleg~rl]

Yes I had a good go at getting my ex to be Dom with me. And all credit to him he tried, but I was struggling with teaching him how to Dom. Something inside of me always knew that he was doing it for me, not because it was his natural desire. I always knew I could get around him.

For me it grew to be more than something for me to play with it was something I needed for my spirit. This lead to the breakdown of our relationship.

So i am happily looking now for my Daddy and to fulfill those desires. I’m many can be brought over or awakened to there kinky side. Just for me there was something wrong underneath. Like I could smell it was not real.

Love and Warmest regards for a better outcome
Stephanie

 

[Sun Tan Guy]

Congrats Tara!!

I finally got my spanking by just asking.

We were out to dinner with some friends and I leaned over and whispered in his ear that I was feeling really really excited and that if were to take me home, put me over his knee and give me a little paddling I'd give him a long slow anything at all that he wished for. He must have turned 14 shades of red!!!

A couple of hours later we were back at his place with me on his lap with my jeans around my ankles. He was quite passive about the whole thing, but I squirmed and begged enough to get more than a little sting. He played with me at the same time and I have to say it was a pretty intense orgasm. I thoroughly enjoyed the feeling of the heat and sting of the spanks combined with the feelings of the strength of his fingers in me.

Anyway, in the end it was very enjoyable but it would have been much better if he had been more aggressive, stern and demanding. I don't think it’s in his nature at all. In fact later he said that he felt very uncomfortable hurting me even if it was something that I wanted. So, will we do it again? I hope so, but we have to work on that comfort thing a little more I guess.

As far as trying out other kinks with him... I guess I'll have to proceed slowly but surely...

Good for you!!!!!!!!!!!!! Awesome set up!!! I am thrilled for ya... Pain can be very pleasurable.. I like your earlier comment on having a teasing evening, get him all hot and bothered.. to the point he can hardly handle it , and wont say no to anything...then pull out the restraints and TELL him to tie you up.. NOW!! Good luck sweetie!!! I would go for it with ya if I was your hubby...and make you really really enjoy the tease!!!