bdsm hereditary?

[shelleb4]

I have just re read The Story of O. My first reading was at the age of 11yrs.
My mother fobbed my enquiry of "whats this about", with, "i dont know, your nan gave it to me".

Now years later, thinking about it, i realise my mother was into bdsm. We always had a table tennis paddle, but never had a table or balls? There were other things too. Ew its kind of gross with the parent thing, but i wonder if my nan had recommended the book, she must of enjoyed it. My mother was reading it. Its not the sort of book you could describe as vanilla is it.

So does anyone else know if their parents were, have they inherited something extra? There's always the nature vs nurture arguement i suppose.

Any way, i cant find this elsewhere. But that maybe my pc skills lacking.

 

[freeasair]

nurtured

Q do i spend all my time answering your posts?
A nearly

surely nurtured....the associations of spanking in childhood, the establishment of roles between subchild and Domparent and the love cuddle physical signals of pain/emotion/good and evil which is so often intertwined in our sense of guilt about sex and our parents however open minded we try to be in setting parents and children face to face across the sexual breakfast table....

 

[shelleb4]

Well you may as well, seems your here now, can i take your coat?

nurture is bound (ha) to have an effect, but what about nature?

 

[Mr Blonde]

I don't mean to sidetrack this new discussion, but nature/nature is a topic that has always interested me and here are three related threads:

Birth order and comparing yourself to family members for BDSM roles
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=230563

Nature or Nurture
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=201161

D/s – nature or nurture?
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=229361

My family thinks I inherited my paternal grandfather's temperment. I have no idea of his sexuality, but he is easily the most likely "Dominant" figure on both sides of my family.

If it matters, some vanilla people read "Story of O" just the way some people read classic sex manuals like reading Kama Sutra or excerpts from Marquis de Sade. And alternately, "Story of O" has significant artistic merit as a creative work and some lovers of literature read it without taking additional pleasure at the subject matter.

 

[SexiSade]

hmm I dont know about BDSM being passed down but I do know
since I was a child I was raised serve a man. My parents raised boys and girls different. I had to cook, clean and please a man. Find one and devote myself to him. It was the meaning of life we were taught. The man was in charge of everything. My dad wouldnt even speak to people on the phone. He was the boss an you never questioned anything. My mom lived to care for his needs.

 

[Etoile]

I'm curious, SexiSade, how old are you? How old are your parents? (What I'm getting at is: what era were you/they raised in?)

 

[NCShin]

God I hate this because it's going to start another flame war.

But I still feel that a very very large percent of women are still submissive even if they consider themselves to be vanilla.

Currently I'm working in Sales and support for a cable company and ISP. I can't even remember how often I hear things like, "no my husband will freak" or "my husband said to get this" or "I need this because my husband wants it" It's RARE, if ever that I hear a man say anything like that in reference to his wife.

I do think it is passed down from mother to daughter. I'm sure that at some point my mother and younger sister went to the supermarket and SOMETHING was bought "because daddy likes it" and I think that it's little things like this that shape how a woman is when she's an adult.

I think that if and when I ever have children I will make a concious effort to not have things said that will teach a daughter that it is her "job" to please a man. This goes back to my "Sexual Identity" delema I posted about here: https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=250812

I'll pose the question here as well. IF submission is passed down, is it actually concentual? Can it be if the woman was brought up that way, if she herself has no choice due to her upbringing?

 

[Etoile]

I do think it is passed down from mother to daughter. I'm sure that at some point my mother and younger sister went to the supermarket and SOMETHING was bought "because daddy likes it" and I think that it's little things like this that shape how a woman is when she's an adult.

What about if I buy something for my girlfriend at the supermarket? I do that all the time, and if I had a child and they asked about it, I'd tell them it was for Mommy. (We haven't yet figured out who will be "Mom" and who will be "Mommy" or what!)

 

[NCShin]

that kind of complicates matters as I'm sure you're aware. It'll complicate many things.

But what I mean is this...

As in the above situation (and many others like it) children (it can be a boy with is mother too) are shown that things are done and bought for daddy because he wants them or likes them.

While a father (at least in my experience) will do things for other reasons. When growing up and dad had to work on saterdays (he owned a retail store) I was told that he had to go to work to support the family.

Does what I'm getting at make sense to anyone other than me?

 

[Etoile]

Oh, I do understand! Not to worry, you are making sense. And yes, same-sex parents do kind of throw a wrench into theories like these.

 

[Guest]

So does anyone else know if their parents were, have they inherited something extra? There's always the nature vs nurture arguement i suppose.

just to add this story..
went to care for my father when he became ill. sat down at his computer and found dozens of pictures of him and his girlfriend involved in bondage.
what a surprise! A. that he had a girlfriend (had a clue because his wife said so)
B. that he was into bondage.
the nut doesnt fall too far from the tree and there was little to no interaction between he and i, during my formative years.. so i dont know what influence nuture may have had.
i had to ask my mother, i just had to know. she told me that yes, my father (during their marriage) had become very enamored of bondange and had made frequent requests to practise on mom.

thats when i said.. thanks mom.. i dont need to know any more.

 

[cellis]

I know my father was a freak... my mother... no way...

but my son and daughter-in-law... oh yes...

 

[Netzach]

I was in sales for a long time.

A lot of women check with their husbands and shop with them. I do it too, but I'm not deferring to him, I like his taste.

A lot of women also return things "because their husband/boyfriend hates it!"

I would bet that that's true in some cases but in most it's a question of politeness, or what they can handle. Women aren't so much submissive to their boyfriends, but they sure are pussies about confrontational situations!!

Who usually knows what's the best thing to get for cable/ISP in an opposite sex couple? The woman, or the man, who's usually encouraged to be way more tech savvy, set up the TV, shit like that? I know who in my house, and it's not me, it's the ex IT manager!

I used to buy Tide detergent, simply because my mom buys it 'cause her mom buys it. I think that's often the lineage of those decisions. Maybe my Grandfather had something to do with those little prefs up at the top of the line, but there's no tangible male influence down the line.

As for kink, I think my Grandparents really are asexual mutants who only had sex to reproduce, and barely ever liked each other.

My mother I know was in a couple of kinked situations, because we're pretty frank in our talks.

I had a stepdad with lots of Irish Catholic issues, he would have rough sex with her then beg her to physically punish him for it with his belt, and other oddities along those lines. (Interestingly I don't read much about that kind of situation, which I find oddly compelling)

I think I inherited her willingness to try most things at least once or twice, and I know that the reason I never got along well with my family is that there was no clear alpha and so I've always tried to be that from an early age.

 

[Xelebes]

I think it is quite evenly split - there are guys who are dominating and there are guys who are tend to submit. Same goes for the girl. It all depends. Sure you may see a lot of women appearing submissive but I notice quite a few women who have a slight edge over their husbands.

Now, for hereditary thingy... hmmm... I don't know. I know it is not in my case. I really think it is all learned and maybe just an instinctual response to social environments and such.

 

[Phoenix Stone]

nature-nurture: probably bit of both, like most things. Inherited propensity for intensity and maybe approaching, rather than avoiding, risk. (Those are mostly the kind of things that are directly inherited, as it's understood right now.) But how that gets carried out in you, is more up to environ.
I'm getting the impression that guys are more kink-able, more likely to get marked in a sense by a narrow kink, and that women remain more global/general in their sexual makeup -- maybe that there seem to be more visual thinkers among the men? Case in point, there seem to be far fewer true fetishists among women. Hmm, complicating this is that women are discouraged from experimenting to find out what they like.

Anyways, as to inheritability in my case? One of my sisters and I have talked and she had some conscious interest in the topic before I did. She also told me about finding some men-in-prison porn in our parents' things. My dad, despite being big, into cars and guns and in a macho profession, was Clearly sub to our mom, who was the family Despot. And unlike most southern women, she wasn't even velvet glove about it. We all deferred (way too mild a word.)

Sexually: They had very loud sex. We would run out of the house with our fingers in our ears, or get locked out. I found a pair of her black lace crotchless undies once when I was little, and thinking they were much milder than Most of the stuff in her Fredrick's catalog. And walked in on them once while he was spanking her. (jeez, and I remember hoping this meant he was gonna make things a little more equal and fair around the house. hah.)

NCShin, it's very much more socially accepted for women to use that excuse -- gotta ask hubby -- than for men to. My dad would never have said told a salesperson that he had to ask his wife, but it was completely the case. No way he'd risk her wrath if he made the wrong decision. (and she made it clear she didn't like him make decisions on his own anyway.)
Hmm, i always figured he stayed with her for the sex, and when we were kids we felt sorry for him, thinking he was abused like we were, but they're Still together. And she doesn't keep the door locked. (Not an example of a healthy 24/7 bdsm relationship, however. Who knows -- maybe if they'd been outfront and accepting of what they were doing in a backwards way already...?)

 

[shelleb4]

lots to think about here, ill come back on later, when ive had time to multitask this bloody family through the difficult step prior to them retiring to chill and i off to work for the night. Hope this night shift is quiet so i can post later.

 

[shelleb4]

i was brought up in a house where Dad was boss, and women obeyed. So my mother and us 3 girls walked on egg shells around the the twat - all of us getting married at silly ages to escape the tyrrany.
He dominated everything, my mother was not allowed a social life, friends, just her chore of pandering to him. Funnily enough, he's now a burnt out shell of a guy, and she rules ok. One of those relationships where they really should of split, but it wasnt the done thing.
Now, im sure as a result of this, i find it hard to defer to people, unless i respect them. I tend to get promoted quickly, i think i work very hard and im good value for money for any employer. Im very organised sort of person. Filing cabinets for bills etc, i run everything in our family. I can hear my mother saying, "if anything happened to you dad, i wouldnt know how to cope with the finance side of things" and she's right, she doesnt know a thing about banks, bills etc. Whereas for me, its the other way round. But finding yourself homeless with 2 preschool children was a quick lesson for me in independance, financial or otherwise. These things, the abusive childhood, the need for independance, and my general assertiveness, serve as a paradox when i submit. Its so nice to be relieved of the responsibility and be dommed.
I think that my dominant side, tends to emasculate my partners, i winge that they dont pull their weight, then go and do it all before they get the chance anyway.
My mother, from the few conversations weve had, was truly fridgid, never orgasmed in her life. Says a lot for my dad i guess. But thats her legacy from a abusive childhood and now marriage. My dad is a incestuous abusive peadophile. Im the gobby cow that blew the whistle to my mother and was booted out for my troubles, and its the best thing that could of happened. I lost my family overnight, but also lost the pretence and victim role.
I do tend to do the 'i dont know how to work it, chose it etc, ill have to ask my husband' but thats partly coz i have a dog, and dont bark myself, leaving him the technical niche in the home, plus, the buttons are so small i cant see to work the dvd, video, mobile etc being partially sighted.
My children, well the boy is deferential when i put my foot down, not highly sexed prefers to make love, doesnt agree with sex for sex sake, my daughter however is the opposite, and is very highly sexed, bisexual, and the dominant partner in all her relationships so far.
And the little one is too little, but does not play with other girls well, preferring to boss her male friends around.
And where did they learn to do that i wonder?
Ive really tried to set a non sexist attitude, one of acceptance of others whatever their difference. Ive achieved this, but swung the other way, where the women are going to be too strong to fit easily beside your average male.
Parenting is tricky, there is no manual. But as long as youve done your best, thats ok.
and thats enough rambling from me.

 

[GoodGurlGoneBad]

UUuummmmmm

Not that I would want to walk back in time and think of my parents as anything but old and not having sex ...

I do think that they did explore some light sensual play .. lol .. I never could buy my mothers story of "I don't even know what that is" when I asked her about the karma sutra tin (mind you, it was a huge tin full of everything).

I don't know of anyone else in my family who would of or is in the lifestyle. I do know though, that my fruit didn't fall far from the tree and split in two. My kids were born with it in their veins, each taking one half of my traits. My daughter is a bitch of a domme, my son a submissive (and a whinny, whimpy one at that!). Is it hereditary? Before me, I don't have a clue, after me .. a resounding hell yes!!

 

[ilike2ponder]

[QUOTE

I'll pose the question here as well. IF submission is passed down, is it actually concentual? Can it be if the woman was brought up that way, if she herself has no choice due to her upbringing? [/B][/QUOTE]

If someone is partaking in submissive activities, and they do not have a gun at their head to spare their life, it is consentual. This is not to say that they could not wish things were different and they were not this way, but because of their upbringing they are to an extent, but it is still their own free will that they choose to make decisions by.

I suppose I am just really into that whole self accountability concept, always have been, always will be.

 

[shelleb4]

I suppose you could argue that a person raised as submissive and goes onto have a submissives role in life did not give consent.

Self accountability, thats different stance all together. You make the distinction of 'having a gun to your head' would make your consent non existant, if that were how the consent was gained.
Some guns are psychological though. How do you measure the power of fear, is it any less than a gun to your head? When a gun goes off, it does so in a instant. When you are dominated and made to submit without your consent, that usually goes on for quite a bit longer, and causes lots more damage. With no surgery to cut out the bullet/thorn in your side.
Learnt submission as a child is insiduous, by the time the cowered child becomes adolescant, there is no choice. A whole heap of de-programming has to occur, and there are very few people qualified to do this professionally. So the child becomes a adult submissive. Who'm by your definition does not have a gun to their head and therefor gives consent.

Consent must i would argue be informed, or its not consent.
The points you raise are interesting and im going to think about them some more.

 

[RavenSpirit2k4]

You've probably read this before

But I still think it's funny.


You Know Your Kids Have Inherited Your Kink When

Author: Alkallah © 1999

Whenever possible, permission to use a joke is gained from the author.



· the neighbors complain that your kids do full body cavity searches when playing cops and robbers.

· your daughter uses Twizzlers as floggers.

· you go into the playroom and discover an interrogation chair built entirely of Legos.

· you come home and find them tickling a bound and gagged babysitter.

· they hand you the body harness and leash that they used as toddlers when it's time to go shopping.

· your 12 year-old crawls over and eats out of the dog dish.

· your son wants to know when he'll get his allowance, because he needs to pay his tab at the hardware store.

· you tell them they're too old to spank and they try to assure that they aren't.

· your daughter speaks wistfully about being confined to the playpen while the other children played in the room.

· you yell out to your son to come and do his chores and he tells you he's tied up right now... and you check on him and find that he really is tied up right now.

· your three year old is strutting around with clothespins hanging off his tongue.

· their favorite game is Cowboy and Dominatrix.

· your son earned his merit badge in tying knots... twelve times.

· they won't play Twister because they don't want to say "red".

· you notice her Barbie doll has G.I. Joe on a leash.

· the 13 year-old begs for his first bra.

 

[Etoile]

Actually, I haven't seen that before. Pretty cute.