BDSM and Obsessive or Addictive Behavior

[intothewoods]

This post by the fahhhbulous neonflux summarizes the jumping off point on this subject for me:

Post found here...

BDSM is not the addiction...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While sex is not a "need" per se, it is related to the human need for connection and as such, I think it is a primary drive and it can bring extreme pleasure so can become an addiction. An addiction that can create serious consequences in some people's life.

In the case of someone who is kinky, is the BDSM itself an addiction? I don't believe this to be the case, since for most of us who practice BDSM, it is a core aspect of our sexuality. Like Master_Phoenix stated, "Being a Dominant is a part of who I am..."

OK, will stop here as I am afraid that my thinking is becoming a little convoluted, LOL...

Neon

I believe bdsm is a core aspect of my sexuality, to borrow neonflux's phrase, and not an addiction in and of itself. It's also not a dangerous activity as a general category (like, crack or something). However, if one is obsessive or has an addictive personality trait of some sort, it can play out in the your kinky life, much like sex or internet addiction. Porn addiction?

Of course in the U.S. there is a tendency to think a high sex drive or porn interest is porn addiction. I'm not talking about that. Sex is good, porn is good.

I am coming to terms with some addictive and compulsive behaviors on my part, and I'm trying to hone in on what the addiction is. It's not the sex act. I don't have to have sex 20 times a day, or sex with random strangers, and I don't have phone sex or cybersex anymore. It's not pain. For me, at the moment, there is a bit of a compulsion in the hunt, the flirtation and the knowledge I could have a person if I wanted to. And then there's the internet - I spend a lot of time on the internet, often here, and sometimes it feels obsesive.

Perhaps this is more about obsession than addiction, although there can be overlap. I have put myself in potentially dangerous situations in the past.

Do any of you have an addiction, or have an addictive personality? Obsession, or obsessive personality? Have you become obsessed with something connected to bdsm, or something similar that was core to who you are or necessary to live (food addiction?)? Did you learn to manage it? And how?

My Situation
At the moment, my obsessions are not at their height. In fact, they've cooled considerably. But they are still there. This came up in a therapy session today. I realized I manage these obsessions, or at least keep myself out of danger, by deferring to my PYL, Mister Man. If I am going to have contact with anyone from here (beyond PM), or anyone I've played with before, I ask him. I don't say, may I do this? But I may as well be saying that. If he says, hell no, I don't do it. And then I think about it and always conclude, yeah, that makes sense. But is that healthy in the long term?

My therapist suggested that if I don't lay the boundaries myself, I may eventually feel penned in, and act out. This is something I have really struggled with as far as D/s goes. If I turn over that thought process to someone else, am I skipping a really important step in my own growth? Maybe it wouldn't be a problem if this were a neutral area, but it is an area in which I exhibit obsessive and compulsive behavior. I think that's the crucial difference, and may be a reason not to defer, but instead to learn to reach these conclusions on my own.

 

[Netzach]

This post by the fahhhbulous neonflux summarizes the jumping off point on this subject for me:

Post found here...



I believe bdsm is a core aspect of my sexuality, to borrow neonflux's phrase, and not an addiction in and of itself. It's also not a dangerous activity as a general category (like, crack or something). However, if one is obsessive or has an addictive personality trait of some sort, it can play out in the your kinky life, much like sex or internet addiction. Porn addiction?

Of course in the U.S. there is a tendency to think a high sex drive or porn interest is porn addiction. I'm not talking about that. Sex is good, porn is good.

I am coming to terms with some addictive and compulsive behaviors on my part, and I'm trying to hone in on what the addiction is. It's not the sex act. I don't have to have sex 20 times a day, or sex with random strangers, and I don't have phone sex or cybersex anymore. It's not pain. For me, at the moment, there is a bit of a compulsion in the hunt, the flirtation and the knowledge I could have a person if I wanted to. And then there's the internet - I spend a lot of time on the internet, often here, and sometimes it feels obsesive.

Perhaps this is more about obsession than addiction, although there can be overlap. I have put myself in potentially dangerous situations in the past.

Do any of you have an addiction, or have an addictive personality? Obsession, or obsessive personality? Have you become obsessed with something connected to bdsm, or something similar that was core to who you are or necessary to live (food addiction?)? Did you learn to manage it? And how?

My Situation
At the moment, my obsessions are not at their height. In fact, they've cooled considerably. But they are still there. This came up in a therapy session today. I realized I manage these obsessions, or at least keep myself out of danger, by deferring to my PYL, Mister Man. If I am going to have contact with anyone from here (beyond PM), or anyone I've played with before, I ask him. I don't say, may I do this? But I may as well be saying that. If he says, hell no, I don't do it. And then I think about it and always conclude, yeah, that makes sense. But is that healthy in the long term?

My therapist suggested that if I don't lay the boundaries myself, I may eventually feel penned in, and act out. This is something I have really struggled with as far as D/s goes. If I turn over that thought process to someone else, am I skipping a really important step in my own growth? Maybe it wouldn't be a problem if this were a neutral area, but it is an area in which I exhibit obsessive and compulsive behavior. I think that's the crucial difference, and may be a reason not to defer, but instead to learn to reach these conclusions on my own.

Depends. I use people around me as ways to investigate whether my thinking/behavior is rational or knee jerk how I was brought up stuff, but I also rely on myself. I think most people rely on a mix of both, you want to be self-sufficient to some degree, but socialized to another.

There's a difference between "hell no because I want to flex my conrtrol and I don't know any different" and "hell no, because, well, you tell me why you think I don't want you to..." A Dom can be an ally in the process, but it should be something you *can* do yourself. Generally, I think.

 

[intothewoods]

There's a difference between "hell no because I want to flex my conrtrol and I don't know any different" and "hell no, because, well, you tell me why you think I don't want you to..." A Dom can be an ally in the process, but it should be something you *can* do yourself. Generally, I think.

Ooh. Damn, that is genius.

 

[catalina_francisco]

It's always healthy to be able to set your own boundaries, maintain them, and know why. While anyone relies on another to do it for them, they are open to falling in a heap or stepping backward if that person no longer plays that role for whatever reason. For me it also is about responsibility...it is one hell of a responsibility to take on for another, and 9 times out of 10 if you get it wrong (even if that was because you didn't have all the information you through you had), they will blame you.

Addiction or obsession in terms of BDSM and all things related? Like you say, many things which aren't are considered addictions and/or obsessions in today's climate. that doesn't make it so. I think overall, most who are seriously involved and feel it is part of who they are, are less likely to fall into either of these categories. OTOH, some who are more attracted by the thrill, or the perceived reputation it gives them etc., might very well mimic someone who is addictoed or obsessed.

Catalina

 

[myinnerslut]

this is really intersting. i do have slight ocd in addition to my other issues. i think BDSM can be addicting or become an obsession, as can anything else that one cares about if they have ocd. i gonna lurk for a bit before coming back to expand upon my thoughts

 

[intothewoods]

Addiction or obsession in terms of BDSM and all things related? Like you say, many things which aren't are considered addictions and/or obsessions in today's climate. that doesn't make it so. I think overall, most who are seriously involved and feel it is part of who they are, are less likely to fall into either of these categories. OTOH, some who are more attracted by the thrill, or the perceived reputation it gives them etc., might very well mimic someone who is addictoed or obsessed.

Catalina

I think there's some truth to this. For myself, I think I subconsciously assumed that now that I am living this in real life, any sort of thrill feature would fade away. I guess that is the thing. The sexual identity aspect was all mixed up with the obsessive thrill seeker in me, when in fact, both things are going on within me.

Dude. I just had an Oprah Aha! moment.

 

[Marquis]

This is a really great thread with a lot of potential for me, I think.

I believe bdsm is a core aspect of my sexuality, to borrow neonflux's phrase, and not an addiction in and of itself. It's also not a dangerous activity as a general category (like, crack or something). However, if one is obsessive or has an addictive personality trait of some sort, it can play out in the your kinky life, much like sex or internet addiction. Porn addiction?

I too believe BDSM to be a core aspect of my sexuality. It is there during my best of times and during my worst of times. It lifts me to the highest highs and sinks me to the lowest lows. Without getting any cornier about this, I'll just say that I don't think my love for BDSM or kinky sex is an addiction, but I've also come to terms with the fact that I am prone to sex addiction. While those two attributes of mine are obviously not entirely free of intersection, they are NOT the same thing, and I think that's often hard for people to understand.

I'm doing pretty well right now, but there have been times when I've engaged in really outrageous behavior with my sexuality. Porn binges that last for days, jacking until my dick is raw in spots. I think most guys go out hoping to get laid, but I can remember a time in my life when I would leave my house with the express purpose of finding someone to have sex with, cruising bar after bar after bar like a creepy predator. It wasn't even fun. I think that's a big sign of when it's become an addiction, that it isn't fun, it's just something you need to do to feel normal.

When it becomes more about regulating your mood or putting pain out of your mind or just a compulsion you can't deny, you usually know it, and I've been there. Unfortunately for me, it means that I'm not often the best ambassador for showing that BDSM can be a healthy activity that healthy people engage in.

As far as BDSM-specific addiction, I think that, for me personally, when my need for sadistic or dominant sex eclipses my ability to emotionally connect with my lover(s) consistently for an extended period, it's a problem. I'm certainly not against sex with strangers or objectifying sex, but when it comes to the women that I love, sex should be an opportunity to feel each other on a deep level. Not all the time, but as necessary, and thats a lot more than never. It doesn't have to be sickly sweet and it doesn't have to be missionary, but my immediate reaction towards intimacy should not be to retreat into a synthetic fantasy and a paroxysm of auto-erotic pleasure.

Of course in the U.S. there is a tendency to think a high sex drive or porn interest is porn addiction. I'm not talking about that. Sex is good, porn is good.

Totally. I saw a really great John Waters movie recently called A Dirty Shame that lampooned paranoia over sexual people. Really kooky flick, definitely recommend it.

I am coming to terms with some addictive and compulsive behaviors on my part, and I'm trying to hone in on what the addiction is. It's not the sex act. I don't have to have sex 20 times a day, or sex with random strangers, and I don't have phone sex or cybersex anymore. It's not pain. For me, at the moment, there is a bit of a compulsion in the hunt, the flirtation and the knowledge I could have a person if I wanted to. And then there's the internet - I spend a lot of time on the internet, often here, and sometimes it feels obsesive.

I think all of the behaviors you mentioned have been a problem for me at some time or other, but yes, it all boils down to the hunt. Even with porn, it is often the hunt for a particular scene, a particular look or act that drives the addiction.

Do any of you have an addiction, or have an addictive personality? Obsession, or obsessive personality? Have you become obsessed with something connected to bdsm, or something similar that was core to who you are or necessary to live (food addiction?)? Did you learn to manage it? And how?

Man, I've had so many fucking addictions.

*sigh*

I'll have to think more about this.

My Situation
At the moment, my obsessions are not at their height. In fact, they've cooled considerably. But they are still there. This came up in a therapy session today. I realized I manage these obsessions, or at least keep myself out of danger, by deferring to my PYL, Mister Man. If I am going to have contact with anyone from here (beyond PM), or anyone I've played with before, I ask him. I don't say, may I do this? But I may as well be saying that. If he says, hell no, I don't do it. And then I think about it and always conclude, yeah, that makes sense. But is that healthy in the long term?

My therapist suggested that if I don't lay the boundaries myself, I may eventually feel penned in, and act out. This is something I have really struggled with as far as D/s goes. If I turn over that thought process to someone else, am I skipping a really important step in my own growth? Maybe it wouldn't be a problem if this were a neutral area, but it is an area in which I exhibit obsessive and compulsive behavior. I think that's the crucial difference, and may be a reason not to defer, but instead to learn to reach these conclusions on my own.

I think having people close to you can be a powerful aid in self-analyzing, for the reasons that Netz stated. I also think your therapist's advice is excellent. It has always been important for me to make my own decisions for my own reasons, but the people close to me can often show me things in a way I wouldn't be able to see for myself.

 

[BiBunny]

I don't think it's an addiction, but it is something my body has learned makes me feel good. I'm an adrenaline/endorphin junkie. BDSM is not the only way I indulge that part of me, but it's one of the ways. It's like...well, everyone here knows that I ride horses. I love to ride, always have. But what gets it for me is going to horse shows. If I had to trail ride the rest of my life, I'd probably just give up riding. Not being around horses, but riding. I need the glamour and the excitement. I need to feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up when the crowd gets behind me. I need the adrenaline rush. Same thing with BDSM. If I couldn't indulge my kinks, I probably just wouldn't have sex at all. It'd be too disappointing.

 

[RJMasters]

Sometimes addiction is a phobia working in reverse.

Much of the same irrationality is part and parcel. Never-the-less it seems real enough to the individual.

I admit there are some things which are part of my sexuality which are addictive. I will also cop to the fact that sometimes my sexual agression resembles binging-like behavior.

I have no qualms in saying that sex void of BDSM type aspects just isn't appealing. Maybe the word addiction is not the correct word to describe it, but I can say that "it" (my BDSM need) is permantly fused into my sexual drives and desires.

 

[intothewoods]

I am reading along and soaking it in. Marquis, I so appreciate the honesty.

I spoke with my sister earlier and she sort of chuckled at me and said, you are NOT an addict. At least not at the level that I should check out a 12-step program. I don't stay on the internet for 24 hours a day. I think there are so many things tied together in my head, some dangerous, some innocuous, some "alternative" but not dangerous. Sorting it out can be tough, and I do feel like a lot is at stake.

I'm slightly emotionally drained today, but I will come back later and post again. The responses have been really insightful.

 

[Homburg]

I have no qualms in saying that sex void of BDSM type aspects just isn't appealing. Maybe the word addiction is not the correct word to describe it, but I can say that "it" (my BDSM need) is permantly fused into my sexual drives and desires.

I think this is more the case. Add this to what BB was talking about and you have my basic perspective. I am not addicted to it, it's just how I have sexual relations. To an extent, calling BDSM an addiction would be akin to calling breathing an addiction. Not as heavy, of course, but I need to breathe. Well, if I want to enjoy sex, I need BDSM elements.

 

[FungiUg]

Sex, BDSM, porn, world of warcraft, food, reading. Throw them all in the obsessive/addictive category for me. I try and use them all to balance each other.

Interestingly, I am a wine buff, but I'm far from an alcoholic. For some reason I just seem to be able to maintain a cut-off there. I've never been totally drunk in my life. Although I suspect that is linked to my urge to be in control -- hence no drugs as well.

 

[JMohegan]

I am coming to terms with some addictive and compulsive behaviors on my part, and I'm trying to hone in on what the addiction is. It's not the sex act. I don't have to have sex 20 times a day, or sex with random strangers, and I don't have phone sex or cybersex anymore. It's not pain. For me, at the moment, there is a bit of a compulsion in the hunt, the flirtation and the knowledge I could have a person if I wanted to. And then there's the internet - I spend a lot of time on the internet, often here, and sometimes it feels obsesive.

Perhaps this is more about obsession than addiction, although there can be overlap. I have put myself in potentially dangerous situations in the past.

Do any of you have an addiction, or have an addictive personality? Obsession, or obsessive personality? Have you become obsessed with something connected to bdsm, or something similar that was core to who you are or necessary to live (food addiction?)? Did you learn to manage it? And how?

I can not relate to those who say that sex without kink is unappealing. That has simply never been true for me.

For example - sex in a new relationship with an attractive woman is appealing for the same reason that sex with a hot new woman is appealing for most mainstream guys. And in an established relationship, emotion itself is a powerful aphrodisiac for me. Tender, emotionally intense intimacy is something I find exquisite.

For me, D/s is an essential part of the dynamic of a sustainable relationship, and SM is an essential part of my sex life overall. But the idea that a sexual encounter without kink could never be enjoyable is really foreign to me.



In your comments about yourself, ITW, you sound a lot like many separated or newly divorced people (both kinky and non). Re-sowing your wild oats, celebrating your newfound freedom, reluctant to get tied down in another potentially stressful situation - that type of thing, more so than addicted or obsessed. It seems very possible to me that this will fade over time.

My Situation
At the moment, my obsessions are not at their height. In fact, they've cooled considerably. But they are still there. This came up in a therapy session today. I realized I manage these obsessions, or at least keep myself out of danger, by deferring to my PYL, Mister Man. If I am going to have contact with anyone from here (beyond PM), or anyone I've played with before, I ask him. I don't say, may I do this? But I may as well be saying that. If he says, hell no, I don't do it. And then I think about it and always conclude, yeah, that makes sense. But is that healthy in the long term?

My therapist suggested that if I don't lay the boundaries myself, I may eventually feel penned in, and act out. This is something I have really struggled with as far as D/s goes. If I turn over that thought process to someone else, am I skipping a really important step in my own growth? Maybe it wouldn't be a problem if this were a neutral area, but it is an area in which I exhibit obsessive and compulsive behavior. I think that's the crucial difference, and may be a reason not to defer, but instead to learn to reach these conclusions on my own.

What your therapist says here makes a lot of sense to me.

 

[Shankara20]

I wish I could offer some words of wisdom here for you right now, but my mind is all a-rattle with fear you will stop visiting me at my thread where I work out my sex addiction of exhibitionism as the surrogate for my fears of rejection.

 

[intothewoods]

I wish I could offer some words of wisdom here for you right now, but my mind is all a-rattle with fear you will stop visiting me at my thread where I work out my sex addiction of exhibitionism as the surrogate for my fears of rejection.

Titter.

After talking with my sister, I felt like maybe I was turning into Woody Allen with all of the self analysis. I probably freaked out a little too much yesterday, but I do need to take a closer look at a few things.

This may come as a shock to you all, but I sometimes am a little ... tightly wound.

I think I just want to be done with it already! Therapy is exhausting.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I can not relate to those who say that sex without kink is unappealing. That has simply never been true for me.

For example - sex in a new relationship with an attractive woman is appealing for the same reason that sex with a hot new woman is appealing for most mainstream guys. And in an established relationship, emotion itself is a powerful aphrodisiac for me. Tender, emotionally intense intimacy is something I find exquisite.

This is not that different to us, except part of that emotion is tied in with the D/s, or more simply, fuelled in part by or through the D/s etc. In the past I could enjoy a sexual encounter to a degree, but it always left me feeling something was seriously missing or lacking.....that is no longer the case. For me it is no different to finding particular traits about another sexually arousing, just this one is not so much visual as tied to the emotions and inner feelings.

Catalina

 

[Shankara20]

I think I just want to be done with it already! Therapy is exhausting.

Good therapy is exhausting - pushing open all those closed doors takes work! Some of those rooms are locked up very tightly. But light and fresh air does them a world of good.

Stay with it

 

[JMohegan]

This is not that different to us, except part of that emotion is tied in with the D/s, or more simply, fuelled in part by or through the D/s etc. In the past I could enjoy a sexual encounter to a degree, but it always left me feeling something was seriously missing or lacking.....that is no longer the case. For me it is no different to finding particular traits about another sexually arousing, just this one is not so much visual as tied to the emotions and inner feelings.

Catalina

I can definitely relate to this, especially when you say that the emotion is "fuelled in part by or through the D/s etc."

I really can't imagine falling in love with someone outside of the context of a relationship involving D/s and SM.

 

[FungiUg]

Good therapy is exhausting - pushing open all those closed doors takes work! Some of those rooms are locked up very tightly. But light and fresh air does them a world of good.

Stay with it

Wot Shank said! He is the guru!

 

[rida]

I don't think I have an addictive personality. But I do know I have an obsessive one.

I'm also new to BDSM, having fully embraced it as part of who I am not too long ago.

There is something thrilling and exciting about embracing a new part of yourself: the self discover, the wonder, the fear, the possibilities ahead. No wonder it is easy to get caught in a frenzy. And being an obsessive personality ... I am spending way too much time on-line, specifically on Lit: when I get up, when I am on the train, when I get home, before going to bed and even sneaking in at work.

But I don't think that BDSM is more obsessive than any new discovered interest or love or personality trait. What is obsessive and can become addictive is the thrill of discovery and of novelty.

As for your specific situation, I think it is good that you are aware of what is going on, that you are deferring your decisions to your PYL. But, as Netzach said, is not necessarily a bad thing. Especially since it seems that what drive his decision is knowing what is better for you: having you voice the reason to him might help you see that ultimately he is only helping you see your decision faster.

 

[intothewoods]

What spurred this post originally was something I did recently, and I don't fully know why I did it. And beyond that, I have a tendency to look at this event and torture myself with it repeatedly.

I think my therapist was questioning (and I was too) if the explanation for it was any number of things - perhaps bdsm, addiction, obsession, and on and on. Having thought about it now some more, I feel confident that I do need to explore why I can't let this particular event go, but that it's not explained by addiction, and it's not about being a submissive. I don't know what it's about except perhaps guilt is a bitch. Anyway, I have another session on Tuesday. Hurrah. On the positive side, I think this is sort of the heart of the matter, so hopefully I won't spend my entire adult life in therapy.

 

[catalina_francisco]

. On the positive side, I think this is sort of the heart of the matter, so hopefully I won't spend my entire adult life in therapy.

I would hope not!! As a counsellor, I am not going to poo poo therapy, but I do think from what I hear and read that in the US it is big business which exploits a lot of people by keeping them believing they need therapy for decades at a time all while making the threapist very rich. IMHO, if a therapist needs that long to work with someone who is not locked away in a mental institution for their or other's safety, there may be something wrong with the therapist or the method by which they are operating, or dare I say, a bigger interest in making an income than helping clients.

Catalina

 

[intothewoods]

I would hope not!! As a counsellor, I am not going to poo poo therapy, but I do think from what I hear and read that in the US it is big business which exploits a lot of people by keeping them believing they need therapy for decades at a time all while making the threapist very rich. IMHO, if a therapist needs that long to work with someone who is not locked away in a mental institution for their or other's safety, there may be something wrong with the therapist or the method by which they are operating, or dare I say, a bigger interest in making an income than helping clients.

Catalina

I so hear you. It is very, very hard to find a good therapist. I think whenever you are looking for a therapist, you need to check out their credentials, but also talk to them upfront about their approach, and figure out what the work will entail.

 

[Marquis]

What spurred this post originally was something I did recently, and I don't fully know why I did it. And beyond that, I have a tendency to look at this event and torture myself with it repeatedly.

You're not going to tell us, huh?

 

[intothewoods]

You're not going to tell us, huh?

It's really not all that exciting to tell, honestly.