BDSM and Gender Roles...

[curiousboy14]

Huge huge huge sticky tricky and fucky field. The more I begin to unravel it all, the more Pandora's box really begins opening up.

I've posted a few posts in both this and the GLBT forum. The past few months I've been going through a LOT of inner change.

I am a biological male and have been a boy/male my entire life (I'm young 20s), but the past few months I've been realising I have a lot of trans-energy in me. I'm not sure where it will end up, if it ever "ends" up anywhere, but I'm really getting excited to begin exploring a lot of myself. This thread will be a lot about my personal experience, because, well, that's all I really have to work with -- but I also want to get some serious (and playful!) discussions of BDSM and gender roles going!

The past few months I was very sexually active with a girl. We got into roleplaying and kink a little bit..with me being dom and her being a sub, her liking a little bit of pain during sex. And me, I enjoyed that she liked the pain more than I enjoyed giving pain myself. After having sex for about 4 months we decided to end it and are now close friends but not sexually active anymore. And, it is only now that I am realising that I never really enjoyed the Dom parts of our sex because in fact I get more turned on and prefer to think of myself as a girl during sex, and a girl that receives a little bit of pain (it's all still hard for me to grasp or accept, so my limits aren't very large at all, but I'm looking into exploring it all...)

During this time, I also had a sexual experience with another man who is a few years older. The second we got into his bed, he became very submissive and, he actually started displaying the EXACT same sexual mannerisms as the girl I was hooking up with did. He asked me to choke him and whimpered for my dick and asked if I would give it to him rough. While in bed and seeing him ask all of this, I became incredibly turned off... (but I was *mostly* very turned on playing the same role and being with the girl).

Here is where it gets interesting, to me, and where the gender roles come in.

As a man having sex with a woman, and me being a Dom, even though it didn't go too far (pulling her hair, hands around her neck, scratching her, etc), I enjoyed it sexually but didn't Truly enjoy it.

As a man having sex with a man, and him asking him to be Dom, I was completely turned off.

Again, being transgender has increasingly occupied my mind for the past few months (I'm in SF and have dressed girly and gone out in the Castro a few times, and it feels great!).

Thinking of myself as a woman (despite the fact that outwardly I'm still totally a man), I can imagine myself being a Sub for a man, a woman, or any other sort of gender identity. I was at the Folsom Street fair this past weekend, and the more I think about it, the more I really want to be dominated (albeit lightly as my boundaries are small and rigid...). I get turned on and know I would become very emotional (in a positive way, I think?) if someone would dominate me while treating me as a woman and letting me think about myself as a woman. But thinking of myself as a man, I do not get turned on at all being dominated. And I don't really enjoy dominating.

-----

I'm wondering what others' experiences are regarding gender roles and S&M play, whatever form it takes. I believe it safe to say that the majority of people on here aren't transgender, but in any case I'm wondering how people feel about playing on different sides of both the gender and BDSM spectrums?
Could you pyl men imagine yourselves being dominated by a woman? a man? both/either?
Could you pyl women imagine yourselves being dominated by a woman? a man? both/either?


I understand the matricies of sexual identity/gender identity/race/who you're attracted to all factor in to these questions in an extremely complicated web of inter- and cross- desires and identies, etc. This is a Huge Pandora's Box, so please feel free to comment/question me/put down your own theories (for or toward what, exactly?) and just generally get some good thoughts and conversation going. I for one know I'm 110% confused about EVERYTHING

Thanks so much for reading this incredibly long and convoluted post!!!
Looking forward to responses!

 

[Netzach]

Huge huge huge sticky tricky and fucky field. The more I begin to unravel it all, the more Pandora's box really begins opening up.

I've posted a few posts in both this and the GLBT forum. The past few months I've been going through a LOT of inner change.

I am a biological male and have been a boy/male my entire life (I'm young 20s), but the past few months I've been realising I have a lot of trans-energy in me. I'm not sure where it will end up, if it ever "ends" up anywhere, but I'm really getting excited to begin exploring a lot of myself. This thread will be a lot about my personal experience, because, well, that's all I really have to work with -- but I also want to get some serious (and playful!) discussions of BDSM and gender roles going!

The past few months I was very sexually active with a girl. We got into roleplaying and kink a little bit..with me being dom and her being a sub, her liking a little bit of pain during sex. And me, I enjoyed that she liked the pain more than I enjoyed giving pain myself. After having sex for about 4 months we decided to end it and are now close friends but not sexually active anymore. And, it is only now that I am realising that I never really enjoyed the Dom parts of our sex because in fact I get more turned on and prefer to think of myself as a girl during sex, and a girl that receives a little bit of pain (it's all still hard for me to grasp or accept, so my limits aren't very large at all, but I'm looking into exploring it all...)

During this time, I also had a sexual experience with another man who is a few years older. The second we got into his bed, he became very submissive and, he actually started displaying the EXACT same sexual mannerisms as the girl I was hooking up with did. He asked me to choke him and whimpered for my dick and asked if I would give it to him rough. While in bed and seeing him ask all of this, I became incredibly turned off... (but I was *mostly* very turned on playing the same role and being with the girl).

Here is where it gets interesting, to me, and where the gender roles come in.

As a man having sex with a woman, and me being a Dom, even though it didn't go too far (pulling her hair, hands around her neck, scratching her, etc), I enjoyed it sexually but didn't Truly enjoy it.

As a man having sex with a man, and him asking him to be Dom, I was completely turned off.

Again, being transgender has increasingly occupied my mind for the past few months (I'm in SF and have dressed girly and gone out in the Castro a few times, and it feels great!).

Thinking of myself as a woman (despite the fact that outwardly I'm still totally a man), I can imagine myself being a Sub for a man, a woman, or any other sort of gender identity. I was at the Folsom Street fair this past weekend, and the more I think about it, the more I really want to be dominated (albeit lightly as my boundaries are small and rigid...). I get turned on and know I would become very emotional (in a positive way, I think?) if someone would dominate me while treating me as a woman and letting me think about myself as a woman. But thinking of myself as a man, I do not get turned on at all being dominated. And I don't really enjoy dominating.

-----

I'm wondering what others' experiences are regarding gender roles and S&M play, whatever form it takes. I believe it safe to say that the majority of people on here aren't transgender, but in any case I'm wondering how people feel about playing on different sides of both the gender and BDSM spectrums?
Could you pyl men imagine yourselves being dominated by a woman? a man? both/either?
Could you pyl women imagine yourselves being dominated by a woman? a man? both/either?


I understand the matricies of sexual identity/gender identity/race/who you're attracted to all factor in to these questions in an extremely complicated web of inter- and cross- desires and identies, etc. This is a Huge Pandora's Box, so please feel free to comment/question me/put down your own theories (for or toward what, exactly?) and just generally get some good thoughts and conversation going. I for one know I'm 110% confused about EVERYTHING

Thanks so much for reading this incredibly long and convoluted post!!!
Looking forward to responses!

Sometimes it's just what you like and it only makes sense to you. I'm not TG identified, but I had a much stronger submissive/switchable identity as a boy. Being dominated as a woman didn't have any appeal to me. We're still talking a once in a blue moon foray. All the SM fiction I identify best with is with submale protagonists, whether gay or het. Reading from the POV of other Dominant women, not very exciting.

That changed some in the context of one particular rel. but it's very much someone I'll bottom/sub to in the sense of "switching with". When it comes to the enchilada, masculinity is hottest to me when it's subjugated, that's my druthers and it's how my own impulses fit.

Male bottoms are what turn me on, whether female or male bodied. To the point where my own bottoming made sense thru that lens.

 

[ataxia.girl]

i toy with the idea of wearing a pink strap on and sticking it in a little subby dog boy or even a subby daddy of my own. As a little girl i do have a tantrumy sadistic dominant side and sometimes i really want to explore that.

Little girls love their Daddies but they also like their toys.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I think this will make for a really interesting discussion and I look forward to reading as people post.

It takes a great deal of self awareness and courage for people with TG issues to start exploring and experimenting. There's really nothing wrong or shameful in trying everything you can think of and ending up with just a few things you really like and a clear direction in which to channel your TG impulses.

I wish you all the best during this time of self discovery.

 

[lilylicious]

Sometimes it's just what you like and it only makes sense to you.

I'm bi. I love both men and women. And while I'm certainly aggressive in bed with women, I have no real desire to dominate a woman. Men on the other hand . . . hell yeah I want to dominate them!

It's not that I don't want to see a woman be dommed. In fact, my sub, who dommed for years until he submitted to me, has recently expressed an interest in domming again and the idea of watching him dom a woman is a HUGE turn on for me.

I'm sure some psychologist could come in a tell us all why it is we have these gender specific desires for dominance and submission. I'm certain the answer lies in some childhood experience, but really, I think it just makes things more interesting.