Bar Joke

[naudiz]

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your grandma's the best sex in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your grandma, and it was suh-weeeet!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "And your grandma liked it!!"

Finally the guy interrupts ... "Go home, Grandpa, you're drunk.

 

[SweetCherry]

LOL

That was bad. Funny, but bad.

 

[sexy-girl]

lol i like that

 

[celiaKitten]

OMG - that's horrible but too fucking funny!!!!

 

[incognito2]

so sad...my favourite...

one for you

A rooster and a cat are walking near a river bank, cat slips in and the rooster laughs long and loud......

Moral or the story....
Where there is a wet pussy there is a happy cock....

 

[Siren]

Funny jokes

 

[Fly_On_Wall]

naudiz good one
Here is one in turn... it's a little long but i thought it was good

This guy is not getting along so well with his wife,
thinks maybe he'd like to have a pet, goes to a pet
shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting
on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened
to this parrot." "I was born this way," says the
parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy
laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually
understood what I said and answered me." "I understood
every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly
intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you
hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the
parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since
you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis
around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook.
You can't see it cause of my feathers." "Wow," says
guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't
you?" "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English.
I can converse with reasonable competence on almost
any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics,
philosophy ... and I am especially good at
ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great
companion." The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" he
says. "I can't afford that." "Pssst," the parrot
hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing.
"Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can
get me for $20, just make an offer." The guy offers
the $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's
interesting, he's a great pal, he understands
everything, sympathises, gives good advice. Guy is
delighted.
One day Guy comes home from work and the parrot says,
psst," and motions him over with one wing. Guy goes up
close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you
this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your
wife and the mailman..." "What?" says the guy. "What?"
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the
door today your wife greeted him in a sheer night-gown
and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?"
asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up
the night-gown and began petting her all over,"
reports the parrot. "Oh No!" the guy says. "Then
what?" "Then he lifted up the night-gown, got down on
his knees and began kissing her body, starting with
her breasts and slowly going down and down..." The
parrot pauses for a long time. "Then what happened?
What happened?!" says the frantic guy. "I don't know,"
says the Parrot, "That's when I fell off my perch."

 

[incognito2]

Groaning at my desk ....

Cracking the knuckles....

A guy says to his girl " will you marry me, will you make all my dreams come true "
She looks at the guy and replies " I will only marry you IF you promise never to open my hope chest"
He jumps up and yells " anything, anything ....."
40 years later...
the fellow is up in the attic cleaning out all the junk and stumbles over the hope chest , he can't help himself and opens it up ...it is filled to the top with money and on top of the money is a egg carton with 3 eggs in it...he goes downstairs to his wife looking very confused
she asks "What is wrong with you"
"umm... I just opened up your hope chest ... and found the egg carton ....why is there 3 eggs in it..."
The wife takes a deep breath , looks him in the eye and blurts " Well everytime i screwed around on you i put an egg in the carton"
The thinks it over ...3 times in 40 years not bad he could forgive her that.." Sooooooooo " he says " Where did the money come from"
The wife replies...." Every time i filled a carton I sold it"

 

[modest mouse]

nasty one....

What did the Cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?






Wiped his ass and moved on.

 

[shyybabe]

New Sex Ed Teacher

A math teacher gets called to the principal's office one day and the principal says to him, "We need a new Sex-Ed teacher and you are it."

The Math teacher exclaims, "But I have never taught Sex-Ed before what am I going do?"

The principal replies, "Well, you have until Monday to think of something, because that is when the class starts."

The math teacher decides that he is going to use flash cards to teach the Sex-Ed class, because they have worked extremely well in teaching his math class.

On Monday morning, the teacher is feeling very confidant. He walks into the room, and begins to teach the class. He holds up the first flash card and asks, "Can anybody tell me what this is?"

Little Jill stands up and replies, "That's a breast and my mommy has two."

The math teacher says, "That's right Jill! It is a breast, and your mommy does have two."

The math teacher grabs the next flash card and asks, "Can anybody tell me what this is?"

Little Bobby raises his hand and replies, "I know. That is a dick, and my daddy has two."

The math teacher says, "That's right Bobby it is a dick, but your daddy only has one."

Little Bobby stands up and says, "Nope, my daddy has two! He has a small one that he uses to pee, and a big one that he brushes mommy's teeth with."

 

[incognito2]

A mother is sitting at the table with all her friends having coffee. When in comes little Johnny hand between his legs hopping from one foot to the other yelling at the top of his voice...
" Mum, I need to PISS"
Mother is mortified, takes Johnny to the toilet and says when he is finished.
" Johnny, when you need to go pee come whisper to me " then she pats his head and sends him out to play.
A few hours go by and Johnny comes running in ...
"Mum, mum i really need to whisper he yells"
Mother doesn't mind this much, even thinks its cute and takes Johnny to the toilet.
Later that night Johnny"s dad is lying on the lounge watching television, when Johnny comes running in...
"Daddy, daddy i need to whisper." he yells
"OK son " says dad " come whisper in my ear"

 

[batter]

my turn

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by
him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me
all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were
there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you
stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my
side... You know what?"
What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, why don't you fuck off."

 

[batter]

one more.

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters. She shakes her head and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

 

[Ticklish Girl]

The whales were fed up with ships crossing their feeding grounds, migration paths, and breeding areas; not to mention years of being hunted and killed. They got together in the middle of the Pacific to decide what to do. Finally the leader proposed a plan of attack.

"What we will do, is gather in two groups, one behind the other. The first group will swim under each ship, and blow together. This will create a huge bubble of air under the ship, which will capsize it, dropping the sailors into the water. The following group of whales will then gobble them up."

After the cheering died down, one whale, towards the outside of the meeting was was slapping his tail on the water for attention. The leader said, "Yes...Mervin? You have something to say?"

Mervin replied, "Well, I can go along with the blow job, but I won't swallow any seamen."

 

[shyybabe]

Halloween Giggles

TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN HAVING SEX

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. Once you've done it, you don't have to wait an hour to do it again.
8. The uglier you look, the more likely you'll get some.
7. You don't have to make small talk with the person who gave you the candy.
6. The person giving it to you isn't fantasizing you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear a mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. You don't have to call the person that gave it to you next week.

And the #1 reason trick-or-treating is better than having sex...

1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!