Banter!

[Bramblethorn]

I went looking for some straight banter dialogue in one of my stories. Couldn't do it, I have too many narrative grace notes going on.

I don't think long stretches of dialogue can carry a full scene - that's either a play, or unnatural dialogue. People don't talk in turns, like some of the examples quoted. It's a balance thing, and can be tricky to get right.

Agreed, and I very rarely go more than a line or two of dialogue without some accompanying narration e.g. body language, but short exchanges can usually survive with that narration edited out.

 

[AdriaRook]

...........

 

[JuanSeiszFitzHall]

*nods*

Okay, then delete mine.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Okay, then delete mine.

Only you can edit your own post.

 

[ElectricBlue]

We've gotten more options now, including deleting your own posts. There's a trash-bin under your posts now, and the word 'Delete'.

There you go! Folk can now deny they ever spruiked nonsense!

 

[MrPixel]

I went looking for some straight banter dialogue in one of my stories. Couldn't do it, I have too many narrative grace notes going on.

I don't think long stretches of dialogue can carry a full scene - that's either a play, or unnatural dialogue. People don't talk in turns, like some of the examples quoted. It's a balance thing, and can be tricky to get right.

Many if not most scenes I write involve multiple characters and the banter frequently merciless... but as you say there is scene-setting to be done in narrative, and like Bramblethorn said, body language to be conveyed. We're not writing Waiting for Godot.

 

[Lifestyle66]

Okay. I accept the challenge and I removed all narration from this:



“If you’re going to make a play for her husband, then I’ll start early and find some other wife to fuck.”

“You’re not playing with anyone unless I’m there, too!”

“If you want to restrict me that way, then the same rule applies to you; No going off with another guy without me.”

“Okay, then. We’ll plan on staying together during this party. I’m wearing my hair pulled back so you can see my lips when I take a cock in my mouth. Did you shave down there?”

“Yes, I’m manscaped.”

“Good. I don’t want the other wives picking hair out of their teeth.”

“Hmmm. Going commando? And you’re very smooth there.”

“Oh, yeah. I shaved, too.”

“You won’t even need to take your dress off. If you see a guy you want, just bend over.”

 

[JuanSeiszFitzHall]

Only you can edit your own post.

I've deleted it. I was asked for a reason, so I stated, "did not meet the spirit of the thread." No problem, not offended, everything's fine. I simply can't remove the narration-and-other-stuff and keep the banter understandable. I'm dredging my mind for a mostly-dialogue exchange I could offer, and so far getting nowhere. But I'm enjoying what the rest of you are posting. Keep it up. Good idea, AWhoopsieDaisy.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

My stories are laden with banter, but hard to find lines which make sense without context. Here's a few snarky snippets;

Two from Strength is a Caged Cock:
"What perfect plums you have, my dear."
"All the better to teabag you with."
*
"You loved getting Ollie and Ryan ready for you, didn't you, sucking their cocks until they were all hard for you?"
He shrugged. "You asked me to, they wanted me to, and I wanted to get fucked."
"A subtle distinction," Catherine noted archly.
*
From Wheelchair Bound?:
"People will stare at me." [using a wheelchair]
"Yeah, 'cos you're gorgeous."
"You know what I mean. Tutting. 'Ooh, you're too young to need that!'. 'Wouldn't happen in my day.'"
"Screw 'em. Ask which hospital they're a consultant at, that they know so much about neurology. Or, just smile sweetly and give me a snog. That usually shuts people up..."
She chuckled weakly. "True. Especially if I stand up to do it."
"You'd better. Don't want to do my back in, do I, love? 'It's a miracle! My girlfriend is cured! God loves us dykes after all!'"
Ali glared. "You're a liability, you are."
"Come on, you've got to roll with it, woman! Sorry, 'roll with it', that was bad..."
"Yes. It was."
"Sorry."
"So you should be, babe. I'll have to see if I can run away in it if you make jokes like that."

 

[Lifestyle66]

Okay. I reworked one of my others by deleting the narration:

"I told you before, not without my husband in the same house. That's strike two. So, don't ask again and make me ruin your day. I like my dessert at the house parties, and it would be a shame to avoid you in the future."

"Ted could always spank you later, like Dan does to Maggie."

"No man ever lays a hand on me that way. But I'll need to ask her someday why she enjoys it."

"I guess you'll just be 'In my dreams' until the next house party. Cheers. To our special desserts. By the way, tell Ted I said 'Thanks.' I've acquired a new appreciation for strawberry."

"The next time, Maggie said I get to ride you. Hmmm... Ted suggested that last time that I suck you off. So, I might do that, instead, to get that 'taste of Roger' experience."

"Are you going to bob your head as I lie back watching you? Or would you do it kneeling in front of me?"

"If you want me on my knees looking up as you fuck my mouth, it needs to be in the kitchen or living room where we have an audience. And would you want my lips closed around it, so I don't lose any? Or do you prefer I open my mouth so you can see it shoot in?"

'My God, her husband's a lucky guy!'

============================================
From: "Lifestyle Ch.13 - Single Swingers"

 

[Lifestyle66]

"You would fold with a flush? So, you wanted to lose your dress and fuck them."

"I wasn't playing the game for money. I was playing for fun. I wanted to tease them with that strip show. But once I knelt in front of Craig, I just got carried away. Were you jealous?"

"Who are you going to bed with tonight?"

"I go to bed with my favorite lover, every night! Come on. You need to get it up again, because I'm not done, yet."

"Sex in bed? Kinky!"

===========================
From "The User Guide - a Geek Pride Story".

 

[Lifestyle66]

"Hmmm. I can feel your panties. I thought you might go commando to tease me."

"Air-kiss! Don't mess up my lipstick."

"If I don't get to mess it up, you'll have to wear it off on me later."

"You know that's coming. Now let's go get a drink."

------------------------------------

"Where are your panties?"

"Oh, they're in his jacket pocket. I traded them for the keycard. I stood behind the unused bar when he took them off me, so no one saw him down there."

"Did he fuck you?"

"Not yet. That's why we're here!"

===================================================
From: "Trusted Employees - On The Job".


This thread is an interesting exercise: Pick a dialog from one of your stories, and edit out all of the non-spoken narration to see if just the spoken words alone still allude to an interesting scene.

 

[alohadave]

This thread is an interesting exercise: Pick a dialog from one of your stories, and edit out all of the non-spoken narration to see if just the spoken words alone still allude to an interesting scene.

It's successful, because more than one of these posts make me want to read the stories they are from, just from the snippets.

 

[MajorRewrite]

"Are you serious?"

"What?"

"Pigtails? As if you weren't dangerously cute already."

"You like?"

"My favorite is when your hair is in a thick plait down your back, but this could be fun."

"They're pigtails, not handlebars.”

"We'll see about that."

 

[Lifestyle66]

It's successful, because more than one of these posts make me want to read the stories they are from, just from the snippets.

That last quote about her panties is from my "Trusted Employees - On The Job".

The prior one about her playing for fun is from "The User Guide - a Geek Pride Story".

I usually write in first person, so I'm finding I often use dialog to describe the story and scene.

 

[Lifestyle66]

I reworked and deleted one of my earlier posts:
------------------------------------------------------------
"I was twenty-one. And after you went away to the university, he was my first, other than with you.... I wasn't ready, and I didn't want him to do that. But it was my third time coming here. And I wanted to be with him,... even after that.... I'm glad you came with me this weekend. I didn't realize how much I needed you to do this with me."

"Let's grab a drink and go back to our room. I think you might want to talk a little more in private."

"Ya think? Let's go, geek!"

"The bitch is back."

"But I'm your bitch!"

================================
From: "Lifestyle Ch. 11 - Demons Past".

 

[TheRedChamber]

Not exactly banter and a bit long, but removing all the narration from this cuts it down to half the number of words and it is still clear.

“Aren’t you a little short for the Parcel Force man?”

“Oh, no...My name is Chloe Dunne. I live at 19 Park Road. You see Bankley has both a Park Street and a Park Road, and they’re at completely different ends of the town and the deliveries get mixed up all the time. Emma Whilby right?

“Sometimes.”

“I’m guessing you’ve just moved in. The letters always used to be addressed to old Mr Dodds. You probably don’t know about the whole Park Street Park Road confusion.”

“And you brought this parcel all the way from the other side of town in this weather? Tell me you’ve got a car.”

*shakes head*

“You’d better come in. You’re absolutely soaked. The buses around here are pretty infrequent. Dry off and I’ll run you back in the car. It’s the least I can do. Thank you, by the way. I was on the phone to them for ages earlier and they kept insisting it had been delivered...I’m afraid we’re not exactly the same size, but if you put this on I can run your dress through the dryer. Won’t take more than half an hour. The bathroom is this way through the kitchen. I’m afraid I’m having work done on the main one at the moment”

[looking at cats] “What are their names?”

“Those were Lucy and Asmo. And Belle’s the one still asleep down there.”

“Nice names. Asmo is an interesting choice?”

“Oh, it’s short for Asmodeus, the demon of lust. The others are Lucifer and Belphegor. Belphegor represents sloth, which I have to say turned out to be very appropriate for that one. It’s kind of a running theme I have. I named them after demons because cats are the most bloody-minded creatures of the night. I feel a natural kinship with them.”

“Cats or demons?”

“Take your pick...Tea or coffee?”

“Coffee, please...Erm, I should probably come clean. You see, I was expecting a new microwave and the delivery guy just left this on the doorstep, so I just kind of assumed and it wasn’t until I opened it that I realized it wasn’t for me.”

“I imagine you got quite a shock.”

“You could say that. That’s a lot of…stuff. I mean, one or two items like that, sure, would have been funny or embarrassing or whatever, but no big deal right? But that many? I’ve got to ask.”

“Well since you lugged them all the way up the drive, I guess I could let out in on the secret. You don’t look like the type to freak out easily...I offer a number of personal services to discrete gentlemen. Don’t get the wrong idea – nothing sexual. Well not exactly. Just kinky. I been running an establishment in London with some friends for the past decade or so, but I sold up my share in it and moved up here. The sale included all the equipment, so I’m having to restock before opening my doors. That’s actually just a small selection of the items I’m finally going to get. Of course, you only really need one of those at any one time, but the choosing…oh, the choosing is the most fun, for them and for me as well.”

“You’re going to be working...here? In Bankley?”

“Oh, it’s not actually that crazy. Easy access to the M1. Lots of businessmen passing by on their way to meetings. Gets me out into the countryside and away from the stress of London. I still can compete with the younger girls, you know, but I don’t always have the energy to. No, Bankley will suit me fine.”

“Oh, I see. I imagine it’s a fun life being a…er?”

“Dominatrix, you could say. Or professional mistress if you prefer. It’s surprisingly rewarding work, you know. Although I’m not actually working at the moment. Taking a little break while I get everything set up here. I’m currently knocking through the walls of the two spare bedrooms and one of the bathrooms to make a nice play area. Perhaps you’d like to see?”

(Chapter break)

“You’ll have to use your imagination a bit. I going to put some cages in the corner over there, a standing one and one that doubles as a coffee table. I’m going to get a hanging stockade up there. I’d prefer a full one but there’s only so much space and it’s a design where you can winch it up to the ceiling out of the way when it’s not in use. Then there’ll be a suspension bar on the other side. Then the bed will go there. It’s this full customizable thing where you hang attachment and restraints from the frame or even hang a full swing from the end of it. Not cheap, but lots of options with it...I’m going to keep those cupboards built into the wall, not the ideal location for them but too much hassle to move. Actually, that reminds me, I need to get on-line and choose a whole bunch of plus-sized dresses"

*quizzical look*

"For dressing up time. The keen ones often bring their own. Bit independent that, not a quality you necessarily want to encourage, but, I have to be honest, some of them are fabulous. Still it pays to keep some classics and some surprises on hand. I’ll need to put in some full-length mirrors and a make-up table as well. I’m wondering if I can squeeze in a toy cabinet as well. I might have to make do with just some shelves. We’re also going to have to take those windows out. Pity really because this side gets most of the sun, but my clients didn’t come for sunlight and they really don’t come for Jehovah’s Witnesses peering through a gap in the curtain to see if anyone’s home. Well, that said, there are a few that like an audience...I’m going to put a big throne right in the middle, raise it up on a few steps to give proper view and, shall we say, oversight of everything going on. One of these days I’d like to do a full session just from the chair. That wouldn’t fly for every client, but there are some where if you get the voice just right you can get them to abuse themselves and they still leave happy as anything...Of course, it’s not all just bondage specific stuff. I’m going to wall-mount a TV over there and put in a sound system and over here is the bit I’m really excited about, a proper log fire. This place was a real stroke of luck, finding somewhere that was old enough to have an actual fireplace in a bedroom, but not old enough to be listed. Going to get a great big rug to go right in front of it...So, I’m going to keep this as a wet area. I’ll put glass panels up here to keep the damp on that side. Privacy is an anathema to good play, you see. Then inside we’ll have a horse.”

*laugh*

“No, silly, a bondage horse. Like a big barrel you tie someone up to. This one will be waterproof, while really opens up the possibilities while cutting down on the clean-up. We’ll also have a milking bench and a big queening chair over in the corner. Of course they had to remove the bath to fit all this in and, well you saw, the second bathroom isn’t big enough for one. Pity really, I enjoy a good soak after a hard evenings whipping. Still, the sacrifices we make for our art, eh...So that’s the tour. Any questions?”

“I don’t suppose you need an assistant?”

(Chapter break)

“I mean I was just wondering… My boyfriend broke up with me recently and part of the reason he said was I was boring in bed and just seeing you and all the things you’ve got planned here, well, I bet no one has ever called you boring, either in or out of bed. So I was just thinking, maybe there’s stuff I could learn here and if you needed help, I could do anything you wanted…”

“Ok, ok. I get it. The truth is, honestly, no, I don’t need an assistant. I mean, I could in theory, but I’ve got my hands full establishing my business and getting the renovation finished and finding new clients and I’ve got no time to be training up someone completely green whose main reference seem to be that they’re bad in bed. Not that I necessarily believe that, when men say a woman is boring in bed, it’s almost always more accurate to say that woman is bored in bed. Usually because their partner isn’t putting the effort in. In any case, training up an assistant in this profession runs two great risks – either they’re not any good at it and they scare your customers away from you or they get good at it and they start taking your clients away from you. God knows I did it to my teacher when I was just starting out. Not that I thought about it that way at the time...All that said, I like you. You’re cute. What are you doing on Friday night?”

“Nothing. I mean, are you…that is, if you mean like a date or something, I’m not…I mean I don’t…”

“It’s okay. I don’t need an assistant, but I wouldn’t mind a girlfriend. If you’re not interested that’s fine. Though I got the impression that you kind of were. If you were going to say ‘I’m not a lesbian’ or not bisexual or whatever, sure no problem. Maybe I misread the signals. I mean you did say ‘I could do anything you wanted’ just now. What’s a girl to think?”

“Sorry. I didn’t really mean it that way. I didn’t really mean anything. We could be friends?”

“I tend to follow the Harry Met Sally principle – never be friends with someone you want to fuck. Drives me crazy. Anyway you meant something, I think you just have to work out what it was. I’d suggest you book a session with me professionally, but, without being rude, I doubt you can afford to pay and I can’t really afford not to be paid...Ah, the dryers finished.”

 

[Lifestyle66]

“I mean I was just wondering… My boyfriend broke up with me recently and part of the reason he said was I was boring in bed and just seeing you and all the things you’ve got planned here, well, I bet no one has ever called you boring, either in or out of bed. So I was just thinking, maybe there’s stuff I could learn here and if you needed help, I could do anything you wanted…”

“Ok, ok. I get it. The truth is, honestly, no, I don’t need an assistant. I mean, I could in theory, but I’ve got my hands full establishing my business and getting the renovation finished and finding new clients and I’ve got no time to be training up someone completely green whose main reference seem to be that they’re bad in bed. Not that I necessarily believe that, when men say a woman is boring in bed, it’s almost always more accurate to say that woman is bored in bed. Usually because their partner isn’t putting the effort in. In any case, training up an assistant in this profession runs two great risks – either they’re not any good at it and they scare your customers away from you or they get good at it and they start taking your clients away from you. God knows I did it to my teacher when I was just starting out. Not that I thought about it that way at the time...All that said, I like you. You’re cute. What are you doing on Friday night?”

“Nothing. I mean, are you…that is, if you mean like a date or something, I’m not…I mean I don’t…”

“It’s okay. I don’t need an assistant, but I wouldn’t mind a girlfriend. If you’re not interested that’s fine. Though I got the impression that you kind of were. If you were going to say ‘I’m not a lesbian’ or not bisexual or whatever, sure no problem. Maybe I misread the signals. I mean you did say ‘I could do anything you wanted’ just now. What’s a girl to think?”

“Sorry. I didn’t really mean it that way. I didn’t really mean anything. We could be friends?”

“I tend to follow the Harry Met Sally principle – never be friends with someone you want to fuck. Drives me crazy. Anyway you meant something, I think you just have to work out what it was. I’d suggest you book a session with me professionally, but, without being rude, I doubt you can afford to pay and I can’t really afford not to be paid...Ah, the dryers finished.”

It is a bit long to digest in a post. But that last chapter six-paragraph extract could stand alone, and still give a very good teasing glimpse to the story.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

Let's see if this scene works without any narration. Two men, two women:

"Sorry guys. Leaving you out, there."
"You guys should have got it together."
"Aye, right."
"Yeah, yeah, you're straight, whatever. You could still fuck Rich -- bet he wants to try that sometime. Or he could try sucking you. I mean, a blow job's a blow job, right? Doesn't mean anything. Dare ya."
"I'd know."
"Would you?"
"We could test you."
"For science!"
"A blinded trial."
"Literally. Where's my leggings? Can I blindfold you, love? Go on. It'll be fun."
"The things I do for a blow job."
"Three blow jobs. Like you'll suffer! Three people, couple minutes each, you guess who's who. Lie back and enjoy!"
"I'm not reciprocating, pal. Just remember that."

from Educating Laura Ch.5

I've added links to my quotes upthread.

 

[Lifestyle66]

“We must have been on the same return flight. But I didn’t see you at baggage claim.”

“I just use a carry-on for everything I need on these short business trips. The airlines lost my luggage in the past.”

“I take my chances with checked bags, so I don’t have to find room for the carry-ons. Besides, I don’t like standing there when they sometimes pick through my bags at the metal detectors.”

“It doesn’t bother me if they see my vibrators. I’ve even teased them sometimes. It’s funny watching the guy’s face turn red when I say, ‘I’ll bet you can guess where that’s going tonight.’”

-----------------------------------------------------------------

From: “Lifestyle Ch.13 – Single Swingers”

 

[Lifestyle66]

"Maybe I should give him a blowjob to show our appreciation."

"Only if I can watch ... and you swallow."

"Yuck! You know I don't like doing that, even for you. He could cum in my hand, not in my mouth."

"Well, you know what I say to that: 'It's not a blowjob, until the job is done.' But it could be his wife, Sharon who deserves the credit for scheduling the room for the group. And I wouldn't mind saying 'thanks' by making her legs shake."

"You know their profile says she's 'bi, so she might want me to do it. And I don't lean that way."

"So, you say! But Claire caught your attention at the house party a few months ago, even after your boy-toy, Ken took care of you. Maybe we should change our website profile to include 'Bi-curious' for you."

"Don't you dare! I'm not ready for that ... at least not yet."

---------------------------------------------------

From “Lifestyle Ch.12 – The Bar Group”

 

[Djmac1031]

I left a little of the narration in for context. From The Jenna Arrangement Pt 21:

Jenna got herself some fancy iced caramel mocha latte thing, more ice, sugar and milk than coffee, really.

"I never understood those drinks," I snipped.

"What?" Jenna objected. "They're good! It's like dessert in liquid form!"

"Then they shouldn't call it 'coffee.' If I wanted dessert I'd just order a donut or something."

Jenna rolled her eyes. "Okay, Boomer."

"Ouch. And technically, I'm not a Boomer. I'm Gen X."

"Whatever."

 

[Lifestyle66]

"Troy and Darren are both laughing."

"Pick me." "No, Pick me!"

"I told you. You have admirers. Now that you've shown them the card, it's time to put up or shut up. They're calling your bluff."

"I can't decide."

"I'll make a deal with you. For each first name texted to me and signed on the card, you owe me another blowjob after you return. Take them both if you want. But be safe and text me who you're with and where you're going before you leave the bar. And text me some pics, too. You're in control to have fun if you choose to do it."

"I'll have to think about it. I'll call you later."

-------------------------------------------

"Troy gave me a ride to the airport. And I talked him into one final blowjob in the cellphone parking area. But he was spent and couldn't cum anymore. After twenty minutes, he still couldn't cum in my mouth, and I had to go in to catch my flight."

"A twenty-minute blowjob? Why, you slut!"

"I feel like I've been starving since takeoff. And there were no guys in my aisle on the plane!"

"You were looking to give someone else a blowjob? Our same room rule is back in effect! If you want a do-over, we'll need to discuss what you'll owe me for the hall pass extensions."



From: “AMOROUS GOODS: THE ANKLET PAIR”

 

[TadOverdon]

"The Buddha said that change is never painful. It's only our resistance to change that hurts."

"That's a big 'only.' Like saying that being hung from a gallows only hurts for a minute."

"Or three. It can take three."

"I feel better. Good talk."

 

[BiscuitHammer]

“Gnnnnn,” Mona mumbled, leaning back in her chair and stretching. “Stupid technology, making things more difficult for us purists. Then again, I imagine that animators in the twenties were pretty pissed off at Max Fleischer for inventing the rotoscope technique.”

“Whatever that is,” Lisa sighed, shrugging as Mike walked into the room, towering over everyone. “And here’s the other computer brainiac, ready to make us all feel incompetent.”

“On what subject, Heyman?” Mike asked. “Could you narrow down the list a bit?”

“Shudduuuuuup,” the redhead grumbled before thumbing at Mona. “Bresc needs to take some kinda programming course for her animation classes, and this is all language programming shit.”

“Tough gig if you’re not used to it,” Mike agreed with a nod. “That CAPS program Disney is working with is gonna make life difficult for the classic animators. Twenty years from now, everything’ll be computers.”

“Thanks for the pep talk, DeBourne,” Mona sighed, shaking her head. “Wish I had some brilliant programmer blood in my genes. Why can’t I be related to Ada Lovelace?”

“I am,” Karen offered, raising her hand a little.

“Oh, for fucks’ sake, Princess,” Janet groused, throwing her hands in the air while Mona slouched further in her chair and Lisa rolled her eyes. “You can’t be related to every famous person who ever lived, you know!”

“Actually, she’s right,” Mike said, strangely backing Karen up for a change. “Lord Byron’s mother was Catherine Gordon, of the Aberdeenshire Gordons. That makes Princess here a descendant cousin of Ada Lovelace. Might explain why she’s such a brat.”

“My parents almost named me Allegra instead of Ekaterina,” Karen mentioned. “And I’ve had the pleasure of basking in the presence of Babbage’s Difference Engine. Granted, I’m faster than it, but still, a lovely experience. Ada Lovelace’s understanding of quadratics and her sense of programming was exquisite.”

“Ha, y’see, Mongo?” Lisa declared, looking up at Mike. “The world’s first computer language programmer was a woman.”

“That might explain why it’s so difficult to understand,” Mike replied with a shrug.

Lisa made a frustrated sound as she pulled her hands down her face, while Mona and Janet both burst out laughing. Even Karen was tittering behind her hand at the riposte. The redhead began stomping around in her customary circle, muttering to herself in Yiddish, while Janet and Mona got up and wiggled over to Mike, hugging him.

Count on DeBourne to make the mood lighter, often at Lisa's expense.