Baked -- Feedback Strongly Encouraged!

[Abbylicious]

Hi, I'm Abby, and I'm a bit new here. I chose this site because I'm an English Writing student and I like to write erotica in my free time to blow off some steam. However, I don't really have people who I can show this stuff to for serious critique. (I tried deviantart for a while, but the atmosphere is more than a little crappy there.) Then I found Literotica!

So, here is a piece that I have been working on for quite some time and have decided that I'm ready for some input on. Please be completely honest.

<b>Baked</b>

All I remember of you
were teeth and eyes
as they flashed, covered
in a veneer of
crystallized sugars
that shone to enhance the tones
of cinnamon in your lips.
The scent of us
was butterscotch
tempered with sadistic liquor
as we baked, limbs swirled together
like white and dark chocolates
in an intimate confection.

 

[arielsgoddess]

You chose your name well

Abbylicious....with a savory first posted-poem

I like the poem, but then I am prejudiced, I suppose, by my penchant for edible erotica, lol. Maybe we could get everyone to write holiday treats erotica...anyone game? We could post it together and even print it as little books to give as 'unusual' gifts to friends and lovers.

In the meantime, Abbylicious, please do not hesitate to post more.

 

[Abbylicious]

Actually, I think holiday treats poetry is a great idea!!! I love combining my love of food and sex in literature, so I would definitely participate.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

As long as I haven't got to lick it off I tried the chocolate stuff and it wasn't to my taste (pun intended!) in a place that is of a salty nature mind you neither did mayo. I guess I'm not into messy sex

 

[arielsgoddess]

Seriously, UYS?

Try a jar of the real cherry filler that you mix in to make a pie. Glaze, it is probably called--or apple or whatever your fave pie flavor. If it is too messy, get a box of plain gelatin and thicken it up, so that it absorbs the oleman's 'contribution' a little, while making it less noticable overall.

Hey Abby, if you really want to that would be great--I have a few already posted that are older, but if we could get a bunch of people writing them, we would have a whole little book in time for CHristmas parties, and it's easy to print little illustrations to go with each--heck, you could evern print each poem on a pic or inside of a blank card for unique 'adult' christmas cards-- You go, girl!

 

[lorencino]

Why?

Hi, I'm Abby, and I'm a bit new here. I chose this site because I'm an English Writing student and I like to write erotica in my free time to blow off some steam. However, I don't really have people who I can show this stuff to for serious critique. (I tried deviantart for a while, but the atmosphere is more than a little crappy there.) Then I found Literotica!

So, here is a piece that I have been working on for quite some time and have decided that I'm ready for some input on. Please be completely honest.

Baked

All I remember of you
were teeth and eyes
as they flashed, covered
in a veneer of
crystallized sugars
that shone to enhance the tones
of cinnamon in your lips.
The scent of us
was butterscotch
tempered with sadistic liquor
as we baked, limbs swirled together
like white and dark chocolates
in an intimate confection.

As a piece to blow off steam, it is pretty accomplished, well crafted, an effective realization of a sensual idea.

As serious poetry worthy of serious critique it lacks substance that would excite my intellect.

Tell me what it is about this poem that you find appealing to the extent that you think it is worth my spending time on it. I mean this as constructive criticism and am genuinely interested in your own view of your poem.

I'm also interested in what drove you to be a writing student.

 

[goldenass]

Hi, I'm Abby, and I'm a bit new here. I chose this site because I'm an English Writing student and I like to write erotica in my free time to blow off some steam. However, I don't really have people who I can show this stuff to for serious critique. (I tried deviantart for a while, but the atmosphere is more than a little crappy there.) Then I found Literotica!

So, here is a piece that I have been working on for quite some time and have decided that I'm ready for some input on. Please be completely honest.

<b>Baked</b>

All I remember of you
were teeth and eyes
as they flashed, covered
in a veneer of
crystallized sugars
that shone to enhance the tones
of cinnamon in your lips.
The scent of us
was butterscotch
tempered with sadistic liquor
as we baked, limbs swirled together
like white and dark chocolates
in an intimate confection.

Not sure I encountered this the same way as lorencino. I agree with him it is a well crafted, effective realization. But even though the execution is weightless, the subject is not. Not to me.

Sensuality and food are so great together. Profound. I mean, baking is heat, changes the chemistry...itself a sex act of the ordinary universe. Lots of dimension to play around with here, if you want.

really like the 'sadistic liquor' moment.

Nice one, Abbylicious.

 

[butters]

Hi, I'm Abby, and I'm a bit new here. I chose this site because I'm an English Writing student and I like to write erotica in my free time to blow off some steam. However, I don't really have people who I can show this stuff to for serious critique. (I tried deviantart for a while, but the atmosphere is more than a little crappy there.) Then I found Literotica!

So, here is a piece that I have been working on for quite some time and have decided that I'm ready for some input on. Please be completely honest.

<b>Baked</b>

All I remember of you
were teeth and eyes
as they flashed, covered
in a veneer of
crystallized sugars
that shone to enhance the tones
of cinnamon in your lips.
The scent of us
was butterscotch
tempered with sadistic liquor
as we baked, limbs swirled together
like white and dark chocolates
in an intimate confection.

Hello Abby you've a bit of scrumptiousness going on here with some delicious images. Quite hedonistic tones with your 'sadistic liquor', evoking flavours and scents throughout the write.

I do feel you could improve this but cutting back a few words that feel superfluous to me, a change in structure of your line-breaks - and I'd recommend a change of title.

something like this - just my suggestion, nothing more:


I remember you

teeth and eyes that flashed,
a veneer of crystal sugars
glossed the cinnamon of your lips.

The scent of us was butterscotch

tempered with sadistic liquor
as we baked, limbs swirled together
white and dark chocolate
an intimate confection

 

[Serathi]

Hi, I'm Abby, and I'm a bit new here. I chose this site because I'm an English Writing student and I like to write erotica in my free time to blow off some steam. However, I don't really have people who I can show this stuff to for serious critique. (I tried deviantart for a while, but the atmosphere is more than a little crappy there.) Then I found Literotica!

So, here is a piece that I have been working on for quite some time and have decided that I'm ready for some input on. Please be completely honest.

<b>Baked</b>

All I remember of you
were teeth and eyes
as they flashed, covered
in a veneer of
crystallized sugars
that shone to enhance the tones
of cinnamon in your lips.
The scent of us
was butterscotch
tempered with sadistic liquor
as we baked, limbs swirled together
like white and dark chocolates
in an intimate confection.

I like it. Few notes.

'All I remember of you' feels excessive. It does, admittedly, preface the poem nicely but I feel that whatever it states can be implied by your imagery anyway.

'as they flashed' seems redundant and doesn't place well with the imagery. The pace of it seems to me, much slower than would be optimal for the use of that phrase.

'shone to enhance the tones' - while I love the internal rhyming, feels just a touch off. You have very many strong images, and this particular one is more of a detail than an image per se. It doesn't mesh.

I'm heavily on the fence of 'as we baked.' It feels like it can be cut. The flow of that sentence, with two fairly strong images, kind of runs into a wall with the almost-hard-to-conceptually-connect-with 'baking' metaphor. It, in my opinion, works in the title, less so here.

Chocolates doesn't need to be plural, I don't think. Nor is an 'an' needed in the last line. I rarely, if ever, comment upon subject matter, because it is somewhat independant of analysis.

So, with my edits, it'll be something like ... (also slight formatting, killing punctuation for homogeny, etc, etc)

<b>Baked</b>

teeth and eyes
covered in crystallized sugars
tones of cinnamon in your lips

the scent of us
was butterscotch
tempered with sadistic liquor

limbs swirled together
white and dark chocolate
in intimate confection.

 

[Abbylicious]

As a piece to blow off steam, it is pretty accomplished, well crafted, an effective realization of a sensual idea.

As serious poetry worthy of serious critique it lacks substance that would excite my intellect.

Tell me what it is about this poem that you find appealing to the extent that you think it is worth my spending time on it. I mean this as constructive criticism and am genuinely interested in your own view of your poem.

I'm also interested in what drove you to be a writing student.

What writer isn't interested in improving their craft? That's why I put this here. I would like the things that I write at my leisure to play as much a part in the evolution of my abilities as the work I do for class. The fact that I take even the writing that I do during my free time very seriously is why I chose to place it here. But if you as a reader feel that it wasn't worth your time, then you shouldn't have commented in the first place.

As for what drove me to be a writing student (not that I see how it makes a difference)? I enjoy it. A lot. And more importantly, I enjoy reading.

Yes, chip, I agree my linebreaks need some work. You'd have had a fit over them before my last edit lol. And admittedly I do have a habit of using filler-words, but that's what the editing process is all about. I appreciate your suggestions!

 

[Abbylicious]

And thank you Sera for the suggestions as well!

 

[Eroscribe67]

Nice!

Hi, I'm Abby, and I'm a bit new here. I chose this site because I'm an English Writing student and I like to write erotica in my free time to blow off some steam. However, I don't really have people who I can show this stuff to for serious critique. (I tried deviantart for a while, but the atmosphere is more than a little crappy there.) Then I found Literotica!

So, here is a piece that I have been working on for quite some time and have decided that I'm ready for some input on. Please be completely honest.

<b>Baked</b>

All I remember of you
were teeth and eyes
as they flashed, covered
in a veneer of
crystallized sugars
that shone to enhance the tones
of cinnamon in your lips.
The scent of us
was butterscotch
tempered with sadistic liquor
as we baked, limbs swirled together
like white and dark chocolates
in an intimate confection.

I'm not writer of poetry just fiction...but this is very good, Abby. I highlighted my favorite line. Brilliantly done!

 

[TheJestersAdvocate]

Delicious poem.

It was wonderfully worded and created quite the image, plus stirred the senses of taste and smell as well....I could go for a treat right now to be honest.

Welcome to Lit and I hope to see more of your work.

 

[arielsgoddess]

Dessert Dissertation

Toss me and knead me together
Roll me as hard as you please
Cut me into the shape of lust
Throw me on the rack and roast me
The heat of your passion almost burns
But you time my salvation perfectly
Pulling me from the oven of your love
Laying me sweating on a cool sheet
Covering me with swirls of your icing
Sweet sticky white attentions
That you decorate with your sexcandy
Finishing me up to hang me from your tree
Bound and beautiful feeling totally delicious