Bad Random Life Tips.

[TallGlassOfSarcasm]

That guy at the pool hall named after a Midwestern state... he probably sucks at pool. Bet him $100 on a game.

 

[TallGlassOfSarcasm]

That tractor trailer coming at you will flinch first. He shouldn't be in the left hand lane when you are trying to pass a car anyway.

 

[TallGlassOfSarcasm]

That insanely hot woman at the bar who is way out of your league, has shot you down twice, and has a 'fuck off' vibe radiating from her.... she will totally be into you if you try one more time. Just ignore her 6 foot 5 boyfriend with the face tattoos.

 

[HumpDayHoratio]

Drive fast, take chances

 

[mnbreastluver]

When setting up your phone facial recognition do the duck lips thing. If someone knocks you unconscious and tries to unlock your phone it won’t work.

 

[stxjimmy]

If your planet heats up and you have a climate emergency just ignore it, even better deny it.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you're ever in a situation where police dogs are attacking you, simply say "sit" or "down" and the dog will stop attacking you.

If you fancy, pull a reverse uno card and command the dog to attack the police officer.

 

[Trubbycat]

Cops love it when you throw doughnuts at them.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Instead of setting multiple alarms, have a brick timed to drop on your skull! This way you can experience the same useless and shitty start to your day, without affecting others who would hear the multiple alarms.

 

[Trubbycat]

If you're out of lube Ben Gay works great.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Don't repair the dent and scratches on your car so that other drivers can be intimidated by your driving skills and give way to you.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you are losing blood at a fatal rate, masturbate vigorously to bring all of the blood to your penis. You won’t bleed out this way

 

[mnbreastluver]

When complimenting women, always add “for a woman”, for their appreciation. Example: “you’re pretty smart for a woman”

 

[mnbreastluver]

Aim the splash just right and any toilet also becomes a bidet.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Masturbate in public so your not distracted by the fear of being caught

 

[mnbreastluver]

Always leave a dirty fast food cup in your bedroom so when you actually do get fast food no will question why you didn't get them any. Instead they will just assume your new cup is weeks old.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you want your girlfriend to get knocked up, poke holes in her birth control pills

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you want to pull a power move, when companies put you on hold (on the phone), put them on hold back. Now you're in control.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Out of ice? Scrape some of the snow from the back of your fridge/freezer to keep your drinks cold and refreshing!

It's easy, grows there free, and the extra plasticine aftertaste you'll notice is just extra nutrients absorbed from the food you store in it!

 

[mnbreastluver]

If a cop pulls you over for speeding and gives you a ticket, hand it back to them and tell them they had to be speeding to catch up to you.

 

[mnbreastluver]

When you get to the gates of hell, tell them about their extended car warranty. They’ll get pissed and send you away. You can then walk to heaven and enjoy your 72 virgins.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If someone ever gets in the elevator after you, instead of asking which floor they're going to, just press all the buttons. This shows initiative, dominance & allows you to skip the awkward small talk.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Always carry a big sheet of sandpaper when walking in the desert. that way, if you get lost, you'll have a map.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Waiting for a repairman or furniture delivery with an all-day time window for service? Start masturbating. They will show up right then and there.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.