Bad Random Life Tips.

[mnbreastluver]

Tell your doctor your prostate hurts and you will get someone to finger your ass.

 

[Animaul]

When an unknown dog runs full speed at you while showing their teeth, greet it kneeling down with arms wide open....it just wants a belly rubs from you.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Keep a reverse card from Uno in your glovebox so if you get pulled over the officer has to pay the fine.

 

[stickygirl]

To avoid abortion, let the man fuck your ass instead - they won't notice

 

[stickygirl]

Give you child polio - then they won't need the vaccine

 

[ericalauren]

When I was a child, a person claiming to be a dietitian told me and my friend that we could make our hunger go away by looking at pictures of food. You just cannot make this stuff up.

 

[stickygirl]

Responsible parenting means if your child is unresponsive you don't have to parent them anymore

 

[stickygirl]

Cauliflower ears can be treated with a cheese sauce and mustard

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you are driving drunk and a cop tries to pull you over, lead them on a chase until your BAC has gotten below the legal limit.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Men, when expecting female company, be sure to leave a carefully placed tape measure in view with the tape pulled out to 9 1/2 inches.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If your cashier/server/etc. looks like they’re upset, say "Hey Fuckhead, you OK?", especially if there’s a line

The sudden vulgarity will make them laugh and improve their mood and yours too!

 

[VoraciousValue]

Colonic irrigation is always a fun way to spend a long weekend.

 

[Deleted member 3041612]

I’m 5’2”. I threaten those 6 feet tall and up to kick them in the forehead when they disturb me.

 

[Shenanigans90]

Have your groomsmen wear matching bros before hoes shirts instead of tuxedos to save money.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you panhandle on freeway off-ramps, make sure to get a memorable venmo account name and write it on the sign. Not a lot of people carry cash anymore but still would like to give.

 

[Sinstories]

when someone types their rather than they're on an internet post, be sure to use it as a reason to challenge the information in the post because everyone knows someone who makes a grammatical mistake can't be trusted.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you get an email from the prince of Nigeria asking for help. Give him your money, he'll make you rich.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Never cry for someone who doesn't deserve your tears. Unless you kill him and have to cry at his funeral so as not to raise suspicion.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Be kind. You never know if the person who just pissed you off has hemorrhoids.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Forgot your lunch at home? Check the work fridge, there's free food there. Don't worry about the names people put on them, it's just for show.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Become a Browns, Lions, or a Cardinals fan. You'll never be disappointed that your team lost the Super Bowl.

 

[VoraciousValue]

Kill your father's TV as a ritual sacrifice to the great god Oprah Winfrey! The almighty Oprah will bless your father with many years of good health!

 

[RachelWalsh]

Ummmm. NEVER DM me. Lol

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you need to microwave something for, let’s say 2:30, save some valuable pre-meal time by doing it for 2:33 instead, thereby sparing your finger the distance between the 3 and the 0 on the keypad.

 

[LeatherPearls]

When people say 'get a grip' try it around their neck!