Bad Random Life Tips.

[stickygirl]

If your friends phone to say they may be late for lunch, put the wine back in the fridge but the rice salad will be just fine served warm

 

[SirConradPeckereye]

If someone asks "does this rag smell like chloroform?".... smell it duh!!

 

[Tasty_GA_Honey]

Send your boss a dick pic - she’s totally into you!

 

[mnbreastluver]

Cows are a major source of carbon emissions so it’s best to eat as many as possible.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If your a guy and fighting another guy. Just whip your dick out. No guy want to fight a guy with his dick out.

 

[PlayfulLilDarlin]

Never pet a burning cat.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Need a raise at work? Try dressing up like your boss’s wife. Try being as realistic as you can. Mimic her voice and ask him for more money. Since your boss is use to *her* asking for more money it psychologically easier for him to give you more money too.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If your making love to your woman and let a fart rip, just say “engaging boosters to planet pleasure” to not ruin the vibe.

 

[stickygirl]

If you've got the hots for someone, throw a bucket of water over them. Then you can sensibly say "Lets get you out of those wet things".

 

[mnbreastluver]

Find a job you hate and stay there. Your life will drag on longer that way.

 

[LizVegas79]

If you're dating a Latina and she gets emotional about something, just tell her to "Calm down" - it works like a charm every time

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you have a disagreement with your wife or girlfriend, telling her to shut the Fuck up will show her that you have the situation under control and she will calm down and thank you for setting her straight.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you can't make your girlfriend orgasm in bed, tell her it's a fetish called "Ruined Orgasm" and some people pay good money for it.

 

[Modern_drunkard]

Skanks who will hold a colander over their head while I stand on a ladder and take a warm piss. They like them warm golden showers like the rest of you freak weirdo muh fuckers.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you don't want to get pregnant and you don't have protection then just chop your boyfriend/husband's testicles off before getting intimate. BONUS - he doesn't have to pay to get a vasectomy. Win Win.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If a job interviewer asks you what your greatest weakness is, tell them "Honesty". When they say "I don't think honesty is a weakness", tell them "I don't give a damn what you think". This will show that you are indeed very honest and will put you way ahead of other candidates!

 

[mnbreastluver]

When playing pool, don't immediately hit the cue ball with the stick. Instead, use the stick to blind your opponent and reduce their accuracy.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you’re ever worried about losing your house keys, add a label on them with your address so they can be mailed back.

 

[water_moutina]

If you’re ever worried about losing your house keys, add a label on them with your address so they can be mailed back.

Even better, if you leave the key in the lock then you'll never loose it

 

[Cabooseluvr]

Steer clear of black ice, it’s more slippery than owl shit

 

[mnbreastluver]

Even better, if you leave the key in the lock then you'll never loose it

More convenient too

If you have an important phone interview with a job, go into the bathroom and masturbate during the phone call. They will admire your ability to multitask and your chances of being hired will go up exponentially.

 

[Shenanigans90]

Don’t bother making your bed because you will just mess it up again later.

 

[mnbreastluver]

When someone is parked in your spot and you feel bad about calling to tow their car away, just slash all 4 of their tires. That way they will have to call the towing company themselves to tow their car away and you are guilt free.

 

[Shenanigans90]

Never pass on an opportunity to loan money to family and friends.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Block out the expiration date on a milk carton so it will never go bad.