Bad Random Life Tips.

[Orchidea73]

Mind your fucking business, bitch.

That's actually a good life tip. lol

 

[HotBrand]

MEN! Feel like you need a bit more length on the rod?

Use an industrial vacuum cleaner to add a few extra inches to your sapling wood! Simply attach, switch on, and feel your problems shrink as you grow.

In the highly unlikely but statistically noteworthy event that your penis detaches from your body due to air suction pressure, well ... you just weren't destined to have fun.

 

[JammyJimmy]

Any problems, just panic.
100% effective.

 

[JerseyJade]

Want to give your man the best hand job ever? Put a piece of sandpaper inside your hand and stroke away. Watch him go wild!

 

[HotBrand]

Want to give your man the best hand job ever? Put a piece of sandpaper inside your hand and stroke away. Watch him go wild!

THAT made me laugh.

Best? Last? Just hear him scream with pleasure!

 

[stickygirl]

Get stopped by a motorcycle cop? Guys, get your dick out as he walks to the car - most motorcycle cops are gay and you'll get a hot date, not a ticket

 

[ydahecnot]

Definitely bring a knife to a gunfight; they’ll never see it coming!

 

[stickygirl]

Gas contains ethanol so keep a can to you in the car. If you're stopped when you've been drinking, take a swig and say you've been stealing fuel - it's a lesser crime

 

[HotBrand]

Say the words "Football's Coming Home".

Like ... a lot.

Everyone loves to hear it. All the time.

That's right. I went there. Come at me, England!

 

[HotBrand]

Remember that trick from The Princess Bride? When Westley has built up a resistance to iocane powder in advance so that he could not be poisoned in the Battle of the Wits?

That might come in handy for you some day.

Start with arsenic and look forward to the very near day when you will never need to fear from arsenic poisoning again.

 

[HotBrand]

If you decide to buy a lot of expensive electronic equipment, leave all the cardboard boxes outside of your neighbour's house.

With any luck, opportunistic burglars will target their house instead.

 

[HotBrand]

Breathing carbon dioxide is bad.

It's in the name if you say it out loud. Carbon DIE-oxide.

Stick to breathing regular carbon monoxide instead and live forever.

Absolute worst case, people will think you caught the "kissing disease", and assume you've got an active sex life.

NB: Please don't breathe carbon monoxide!

 

[stickygirl]

Breathing carbon dioxide is bad.

It's in the name if you say it out loud. Carbon DIE-oxide.

Stick to breathing regular carbon monoxide instead and live forever.

Absolute worst case, people will think you caught the "kissing disease", and assume you've got an active sex life.

NB: Please don't breathe carbon monoxide!

Typically people who die from carbon monoxide poisoning have cherry red lips, so you die looking amazing - much better than white froth or vomit on your lips

 

[mnbreastluver]

Get a clock tattooed somewhere on your body so you'll be right at least twice everyday.

 

[Crankbait88]

Hitting on a widow at the funeral is a good way to help her get over her loss and not feel lonely.

 

[VoraciousValue]

Tell the Santa Claus at the mall that what you really want is a magical ride on Santa's lap.

 

[HotBrand]

Typically people who die from carbon monoxide poisoning have cherry red lips, so you die looking amazing - much better than white froth or vomit on your lips

Reminds me to say - because I always think it when I see your AV - that your lips are just smashing. I *love* them!

*ahem*

Want to save space when storing those pesky tennis balls?

Cut them in half. Now they can fit inside each other!

 

[Crankbait88]

When meeting a lady for the first time, always ask her when she is due. This will help her feel better if she has put on some pandemic weight.

 

[stickygirl]

When you return from the bar with two glasses of white wine, hold one to the light before handing it to your date.

Thanks HB x

 

[mnbreastluver]

Adopt a retired drug dog to find fun people at parties.

 

[stickygirl]

Always drive with a house brick under your seat. If you have accident, you can blame the brick for sliding under the brake pedal

 

[Crankbait88]

When faced with long TSA lines at the airport, yell out that you have a gun. When people run away, walk straight to the front of the line.

 

[Mattentive]

Lend money to friends who can't pay it back.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Use a ratchet strap to keep from cumming

 

[ydahecnot]

Save some time; bring the electric shaver into the shower with you