Bad Random Life Tips.

[stickygirl]

Annoyed of getting random erections during the day and in public? Always carry a condom on you. When you get a random boner, just put the condom on and your dick will go soft instantly!

*wise nod*
If you get an erection in public transport, apologise to the person next to you, in case they saw it and were offended

 

[Jada59]

Go to Popeyes in Everett WA. They have so many one star reviews, you're bound to be the odd one out and get good food and service!

 

[stickygirl]

Always check under the pillow of a child's bed in case the tooth fairy left cash

 

[justaphrase]

Always carry a child's tooth.

Just in case.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Want to put a fun and interesting spin on a classic cocktail? Make a White Russian with milk of magnesia instead of half & half.

 

[stickygirl]

Ladies, the next time a guy offers to let you sit on their knee in a crowded space, say "Sure thanks, but I'm on my period" and the seat will be yours.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Men, leave your toilet seat down at all times; it functions as an effective splash guard when you pee standing up

 

[stickygirl]

Lighting your farts reduces greenhouse emissions, is a great party ice-breaker and shows you care

 

[stickygirl]

PSA
The manufacturers of the Moon-cup have extended their range to the Uranus-bowl: it's natural, doesn't pollute and lets you get on with your day

 

[justaphrase]

Fart detection is a good test for otherwise asymptomatic Covid.

Do your friends a favor

Test them

 

[mnbreastluver]

Max out your credit cards the day before they expire so the bank doesn’t have time to charge you before it closed.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Buy Christmas presents for people who don't want anything, it will guilt them into buying stuff for you!

 

[stickygirl]

If your neighbours put out treats for Santa and the reindeer, leave them a turd from Donner as a thank you

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you have shitty neighbors, leave an anonymous letter in their mail box saying you caught one of the spouses cheating. They'll be forced to sell the house during the inevitable divorce.

 

[Jada59]

Dial 911 and tell them you're up for a chat.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Call “Shotgun!!” when you see your plane to get the best seat onboard.

 

[sally_sparrow]

Your business correspondence will be more effective if you end with "If the actions are not executed, you will be."

 

[Boots_and_Bourbon]

Call “Shotgun!!” when you see your plane to get the best seat onboard.

Okay. This literally made me laugh out loud. Because I have to live this reality almost every week.

As a regular business traveler, and yes, I enjoy the perks of sitting up front, I am convinced this is the thinking of the masses as they crush the pre-boarding area before every flight.

Social distancing? Umm yeah, that would be a big NO!

 

[mnbreastluver]

Hug a porcupine for free acupuncture

 

[mnbreastluver]

Wrap up potatoes in aluminum foil and you can cook it in a microwave in two minutes rather than baking them for an hour.

 

[HotBrand]

Always carry a card with an unsolvable riddle and the word "diamonds" clearly stated, a map of Middle Earth scrambled up and without annotations, the top hat figurine from Monopoly, and a key that opens nothing at all.

That way, if you are murdered, at least you led your killer on a hell of a wild goose chase post-mortem.

 

[HotBrand]

First, shave your head.

Find a new acquaintance, rub your head, and introduce yourself with the word: "Cancer".

When they look saddened, try and guess their starsign, e.g. "Aquarius?"

Your new friend will now be so confused that you can get away with anything.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you’re embarrassed to buy condoms, buy adult diapers too. No one will even look at the condoms.

 

[HotBrand]

Remember: consuming alcohol improves confidence and helps relaxation.

Prove this by drinking heavily to become the most relaxed and confident motorist on the road.

 

[HotBrand]

The safety advice "Stop, Drop, and Roll" is also useful to mountaineers in the event of an avalanche mid-climb.

With luck, you will outroll the avalanche and reach safety.