Bad Random Life Tips.

[kurrginatorX]

Ladies, if your SO has cheated on you it is perfectly legal to play judge, jury, and executioner with his penis. Just make a tiny guillotine and behead it. For optimal results, make sure it's hard.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If a can of beer is too cold, warm it up by incubating it under your nutsack for 1-3 minutes.

 

[UKgreyas]

Never eat yellow snow.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Identify if a poison is lethal or not by tasting it and waiting for a couple hours.

 

[DeckardNYC]

Yellow light means speed up.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you are planning to hang lights outside for Christmas this holiday season but do not feel comfortable climbing a ladder, consider hiring a professional to do the hanging... just like they did for Jeffrey Epstein.

 

[kurrginatorX]

Colonoscopy scheduled in a couple of weeks? This gives you just enough time to buy a dildo and begin stretching that anal tissue so that it doesn't hurt too badly. As an added bonus, once the procedure is complete, you are now free to engage in as much anal sex as you wish (assuming you don't already).

 

[mnbreastluver]

Ask Santa for a sack of coal so even if you're naughty or nice, you'll always get what you want.

 

[kurrginatorX]

Tell your boss that a task will take twice as long as it should, that way you will look like a miracle worker in his / her eyes and move up the corporate ladder really quick.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If someone offers to sell you drugs and you officially inform him it’s your first time, he’s legally obligated to give it to you at no cost under the “first one is free” clause.

 

[kurrginatorX]

Want to experience autoeroticism without all the potential messy death associated with it? Just have a friend pilot a plane into the stratosphere. Let him or her know when you are about to orgasm, then s/he can hit the Gs and render you unconscious.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you don’t want your car to get towed leave your baby in the vehicle!

 

[kurrginatorX]

Equip headlights just above your tail lights, this way when the bastards behind you won't dim their brights, you can hit 'em with blinding brights of your own.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Put in various colours of food dye in with your car window fluid for a sweet rainbow effect every time you wash your windscreen.

 

[kurrginatorX]

A band-aid over a hickey works every time.

 

[beachbaby179]

Stay up all night so you don't sleep through the alarm.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you want to impress your S/O in bed, practice with other people beforehand (if you can practice with their sibling because genetics play a big roll). Also if they don't know yet tell them and they'll appreciate you even more becuase you wanted to be on top of your game for them

 

[kurrginatorX]

Begin to identify as transgender and demand that your workplace institute changes that are more attuned to your needs. Once the money has been spent, announce that it was only a phase.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Buy fake 100 dollar bills and donate them to the Salvation Army. Everyone will think you're so generous. Also works with panhandlers!

 

[kurrginatorX]

Gentlemen, explain away that lipstick on the collar by telling your SO that your workplace partners with an outreach program that helps develop the next generation of prostitutes.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Before going on for a long drive, drink a bottle of wine to help you relax.

 

[kurrginatorX]

Before taking a walk, drink a bottle of pesticide. Your sweat should keep insects away from you, but you can always spit on the really big bugs and kill them too.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If a mosquito bites you, don't kill it. Instead spray it with mosquito repellant and then it won't have any friends.

 

[kurrginatorX]

Not getting the respect you feel you deserve? Change your name to Lord Jesus Christ.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Want to lose weight quickly? Just get the flu! You'll be losing 10+ lbs a week if done correctly.