Bad Random Life Tips.

Keep your keys loose instead of putting them on a keychain so there's a smaller chance you'll lose all your keys at once.
 
When working with peppers and chiles make sure to rub your eyes frequently to keep then moist.
 
Words cannot truly express the loss of a loved one.

Instead, give your eulogy through the art of interpretative dance.
 
When lifting heavy items, always lift with your back in a violent, jerking motion.
 
Has your partner said they are worried you aren't invested in your relationship?

Take out life insurance on them and let them know.
 
If you decide to rob a bank, write a note to the teller on the back of your deposit slip so they don’t recognize your voice.
 
Don’t know the name of a person you regularly see and you are past the point of asking? Marry them! The priest will say their name in the ceremony and you’ll be in the clear.
 
When you tattoo your girlfriend's face on your body, make sure it's in a place where it will stare at her when she takes your clothes off.
 
Always jerk off before a job interview and shake everyone’s hand. If they don’t give you the job at least they touched your dick hand.
 
Don't want to pay for a personal trainer? Just stand next to one that's working with another client and do everything they do.
 
Every creature has its role to play in the local ecosystem.

Do your bit by releasing a swarm of Executioner wasps into your local community.
 
Not received defibrillator training and someone has gone into cardiac arrest?

Put the paddles onto their body and make a "tzzzz!" noise.

With luck, the placebo effect will work, and the person will be fine.
 
It's always better safe than sorry.

Next time you accidentally insult someone, knuckle-bump them and say "safe" instead.
 
Bringing your knife to a gunfight is a sure-fire way to lose the fight. Instead, bring it to a pillow fight for an easy win.
 
Do you find it awkward to settle the bill at the end of your date?

Excuse yourself, get up, and walk out.

Awkwardness averted.
 
If you ever get burned and are in pain, do yourself a favor…burn yourself to the bone. This will destroy those nerves and immediately bring your pain to 0.
 
Is someone going through a really difficult time?

Keep them company by talking about your own problems instead.

They'll appreciate the distraction.
 
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