Bad Puns

[Seattle Zack]

Post 'em here, I'll get the ball rolling.....
----------------
Frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.

So, he says, "Mrs.Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief an asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000."

The teller asks his name and the frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

(are you ready?)




The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a rolling stone."

 

[English Lady]

That is truely terrible.


I am sure i could remeber some bad one's my dad told me....but my therapist said it's not good for my disposition!!!

 

[Guest]

Zack, I strongly suspect your last name is Whack and that you're a bit greenish round the gills.

English Lady, your reply made me larf harder than Zack's whack.

Perdita, who gets queezy over puns

 

[LorriLove]

hmmmmm

asian guy walks into a pub with a bright green parrot on his shoulder.

barman says "where did you get that from"

parrot says "china, there's millions of the little buggers"

 

[Guest]

 

[Guest]

for Ogg

William Penn and the Price of Pastry

William Penn, the founder and mayor of Philadelphia, had two aunts, Hattie and Sophia, who were skilled in the baking arts. One day, "Big Bill" was petitioned by the citizens of his town because the three bakeries in the town had, during the Revolution, raised the price of pies to the point that only the rich could afford them.

Not wanting to challenge the bakeries directly, he turned to his aunts and asked their advice. When they heard the story the two old ladies were so incensed over the situation they offered to bake 100 pies themselves, and sell them for 2 cents lower that any of the bakeries were charging.

It was a roaring success. Their pies sold out quickly, and very soon they had managed to bring down the price of all kinds of pastry in Philadelphia.

In fact, to this very day, their acheivements are remembered as the remarkable Pie rates of Penn's aunts.

 

[Vincent E]

A husband wanted to collect on a large insurace policy that he had taken out on his wife. Not wanting to get caught himself, he decided to hire a rather dim character from the neighborhood named Artie. He offered to pay Artie a dollar if he would carry out the execution. Artie thought that a dollar was a great deal of money, and he decided to accept the hit.

The husband told Artie that his wife always did her grocery shopping on Wednesday mornings at Shopmart, and that would be a good time to kill her in the parking lot and make it look like a robbery gone wrong. Artie stalked the woman in the parking lot, observed her go into the grocery store, and then waited patiently for her to come out.

After half an hour the woman came out of the store. Artie followed her to her car, jumped her from behind, and strangled her. Another woman, whom Artie did not see, witnessed the murder and started to scream. Artie panicked and then strangled the second woman to keep her quiet. Then he heard yet another scream coming from behind him; he then strangled a third woman to shut her up.

At this point people started coming out of the grocery store and saw the hit man standing amid the three deceased women. The police responded quickly and took the bumbling killer into custody. At the police station Artie was interrogatted for hours until he finally broke down and revealed the murder for hire plot, how he stalked his victim, and his rather paltry remuneration.











The next day the local paper ran a headline that read: Artie Chokes Three for a Dollar This Week at Shopmart.

 

[oggbashan]

Ouch! Perdita's pun was nearly Gilbertian.

The best modern Pun expert is Piers Anthony in his Xanth series.

For example his place names "Isle of View". Say that to a member of the opposite sex, or the same sex if that is appropriate.

I'd say it to Perdita except I'd be at the back of the queue.

Og

 

[MathGirl]

Gd Grf!

Oh, God. Next it's going to be knock-knock joaks.
Sincerely,
Sam & Janet

 

[Guest]

 

[ffreak]

Naw, you're in front me, Og. Ar, ar. http://pushedpeople.com/images/leopard_seal.jpg

I am having a great ol' teary time reading these, folks.

Thank you for the laughs.

-FF

ps. Knock Knock

Who's there?

Sensuous.

Sensuous who?

Sensous such a nice pair, I thought I'd give you a hand. http://www.click-smilie.de/sammlung0903/lachen/laughing-smiley-015.gif
for Sam and Janet

 

[MathGirl]

Ruined for life

When I was about twelve, my mother made me sit through the entire video of "South Pacific" so she could tell me that horrible knock-knock joke. That's when I learned that mothers can also be assholes. I think the experience scarred me for life.
MG

 

[Guest]

Re: Ruined for life

I think the experience scarred me for life. MG

Yep, I agree.

empathetically, Perdita


edited to change empathically to empathetically, eaow!

 

[Guest]

"Isle of View". I'd say it to Perdita except I'd be at the back of the queue. Og

Ogg, you have privileges, come right to the front.

Perdita

 

[Quasimodem]

[A Variation on a theme by LorriLove.]

This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a bright green parrot on his head.

The psychiatrist asked, “Can I help you?”

“Yeah,” the parrot replied, “Can you get this idiot off my foot!”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - * * * * * - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Roy Roger’s was walking about the patio, admiring his new pair of shoes, when a call came from the bunk house to send out a posse to chase away a mountain lion seen stalking a small herd of cattle.

Without pausing to consider, Roy hopped onto Trigger’s back and rode to the head of the posse.

Half an hour later, Roy stood beneath the treed carnivore. Just as he was about to shoot, the mountain lion jumped in attack.

Knocked down, Roy kept kicking at the attacking feline, warding off its fangs and claws from tearing his unprotected limbs.

Eventually, one of the boys got a clear shot, and killed the mountain lion.

Riding up to their ranch house, Roy’s attention was attracted by Dale Evans, who called his attention to the condition of his badly mauled shoes.

She said: “Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?”

 

[gauchecritic]

An eskimo father (or is that Innuit?) was teaching his son how to paddle his native canoe. After a long afternoon's lesson the father and son brought the craft out of the water. The father said to his son: "Because of the low temperatures prevailing at this latitude we must dry our water vehicles thoroughly, else the skins will freeze and render them inoperable"

"How do we go about doing that father?" enquired the boy.

"Well there are two popular methods. The first is to make an open fire and to gently run the 'boat' across the open flame, thereby making the skins evaporate the water as slowly as possible. This heating takes quite a while but is the surest method. The second way is to take your skinning knife and literally cut the kayak in two halves, amidships. Pour out the water and stand each half to face the sun. This way has two drawbacks. One, you have to re-sew the sides again and two if you leave it in the sun too long it will shrivel the hides. Make your own choice"

The boy was left to his own devices on drying his craft and he came up with what he thought was a new and better idea. He used both methods. He cut the craft in two halves and carefully heated both halves on an open fire 'til they were dry.

The next day however proved his undoing. The craft sank immediately. His father, puzzled, asked his son which method of drying he's used. The boy explained about using both. Not with anger but rather whistfully he exclaimed " but son, You can't halve your kayak and heat it."

Gauche

 

[Quint]

A boll weevil in the deep south found himself a cute little weevil wife. One of their sons grew up and left the farm to become a famous movie star. The other one never really amounted to much; he was always known as the lesser of two weevils.



A study was done to gauge the effectiveness of bad jokes on readers at the Author's Hangout. Ten puns were displayed and then monitored to see which, if any, elicited laughter from the hapless readers. No pun in ten did.

 

[Sabledrake]

A few years ago, I wrote a fanfic that had a crossover to Spider Robinson's "Callahan's" stories. I came up with this one for Tall Tales Night:

**
In Gold Rush days, the place to be was the Yukon. Because wool and meat were so vital, sheep became very valuable. One of the wealthiest women in town was a tough old lady named Beatrice, who had moved there from Boston but had become so acclimated that everyone called her Yukoned Bea.

Bea owned 26 sheep, which she named for the letters of the alphabet. Ewe A, Ewe B, and so on. Bea ran the only hotel in town, but she was opposed to drinking, and wouldn’t rent rooms to any man who had a hint of alcohol on his breath.

This didn’t sit well with the local saloon-keepers, Hiram Lovedaw and Hubert Loff, so they bet Bea that one of them could invent a drink that even her sharp nose couldn’t detect. The winner would get her best sheep, Ewe F. She agreed, and they went to work.

Lovedaw’s drink was called Blue Lightning, and Loff called his Mountain Dew (this was long before the carbonated beverage of the same name).

The day of the competition arrived, and Lovedaw went first. He took a long swig of Blue Lightning. Bea smelled his breath, and announced that she couldn’t detect a thing. The it was Loff’s turn, and Lovedaw was hoping that his friend would fail. Why?

Because if Yukoned Bea whiffed Dew on Hugh Loff, Lovedaw won Ewe F.

***
Sabledrake

 

[oggbashan]

On Saturday Gloria drove her husband's Ford Transit van on to the ferry to France. Once on the other side she was going to have a gourmet meal in a restaurant in the Old Town of Boulogne before visiting a hypermarket to stock up on beer and wine for a family party.

She intended to return on a ferry leaving France just before midnight. She had a wonderful meal but met an unattached Belgian gentleman in the bar afterwards. They decided to explore the bars of Boulogne together. That night they spent in a shared hotel room. The next day they made love until noon, then had another great meal before more love-making followed by a night on the town. Just before Gloria climbed into bed with her Belgian lover there was a text message from her husband.

She had already decided that her excuse would be mechanical trouble with the van that couldn't be fixed on a Saturday evening or a Sunday.

"Wre r u? Y r u l8? wn u bk?"

Gloria replied "Sic Transit Gloria Mundi".

Og

 

[Icingsugar]

And that goes for all of you.

 

[LorriLove]

giggle

knock, knock!!

who's there?

eggbert

eggbert who?







eggbert no bacon!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[oggbashan]

The newspaper editor was in despair. A fault in the printing machinery meant that the paper would have to be much smaller than usual. Then he opened the paper and swore.

In the centre pages he had the vetinarian's advice column and the football news.

On the left hand page the vet had answered a letter from a Police Sergeant whose dog was whining and howling all day and night. The dog had been one of two dogs that the sergeant owned that were named Pepper and Salt because they both had brown and white speckled coats. In fact they had been sisters from the same litter.

The vet gave advice to other pet owners further down the page but the sub-editor decided that the Police Sergeant's dog should provide the headline for that page.

The sports sub-editor didn't have much football news because the weekend's matches had been badly affected by snow. However the fans of the Scottish soccer team Heart of Midlothian had stopped off in the town when their train had been unable to proceed further because of snow on the railway line to Scotland. The upset fans had spent the evening in the public houses around the railway station. There had been some public disorder which had been discussed at the meeting of the Licensed Victuallers Association. That meeting had decided to write to the Heart of Midlothian Football Club with their decision. The sub-editor used that story for his headline.

The pet advice column was headlined:

Sergeant, Pepper's Lonely

The sports page was headlined:

Hearts Club Banned

Og

 

[snooper]

Toothy Gordon really did look odd. He had never had orthodontistry and his top teeth stuck out at forty-five degrees. Of course, everyone thought he was weak in the head, but he was just shy.

Henry Flash was rich, handsome, and everything a woman could want; I know that because he went round telling everybody. He owned a floating gin palace of a boat and invited ladies to go sailing with him. Sailing was his great passion.

Carmen was just beautiful, vivacious and desireable.

Henry wanted her, but she preferred Gordon's quiet, reserved manner and finally decided to marry him. When she suggested this, Gordon was so shy that they had to elope. He just could not face a big wedding.

When I told Henry of their elopement and marriage, he was thunderstruck. He was so confused that I had to explain it in sailing terms.

I left him muttering to himself, "Carmen, Toothy Gordon, moored!"

With acknowledgements to Frank Muir and Dennis Norden