Bad, bad dreams.

[KoPilot]

So it hasn't happened for a few weeks, but it's happened on numerous occasions. I'm not sure if you could call them recurring dreams because they're very similar, but the events that happen in them aren't the same.

Basically what these dreams are is that (it's understood, I think) my dad and I are either in a sexual relationship, or that he goes about initiating one in the dream, or something. That part seems vague to me, but what happens in all of them is that I'll have a sexual encounter, or near sexual encounter with him. He is acting like it's the most normal thing in the world, and while I casually go along with it, I don't ever fully consent to it in the dream. Usually the encounters end with me not being able to stomach it anymore and having to leave, and then I wake up.

Now I understand that there are people here that would LOVE to have dreams like this, but I am not one of them. I feel like the shittiest shit in the world when I wake up from these; sometimes I'm on the edge of tears or even a panic attack.

I only started having these nightmares after having sex for the first time with my current boyfriend... who is 10 years my senior, and shares a lot of things in common with my dad, though they look nothing alike.

Over the years I've come to find that recurring dreams often have some meaning, or reflect some kind of anxiety or stress I've got going on in my head. Though what is it, I haven't often been able to tell. It's just that these dreams disturb me so much that it even unnerves me when I talk to my dad on the phone for a time afterward. I've also considered seeing a counselor about them, and then remembered that I don't have the money to do it. And because I'm still pretty young (21), there's no way that I'd be able to do it without my parents finding out and inevitably asking why.

Do any of you have any advice about this? Please pick my brain... I need other perspectives, and this isn't exactly something that I feel comfortable talking to my friends or bf about. If you have any tips on easing my troubled mind (whatever it might be troubled about), I would be eternally grateful to you.

 

[Crescent_Kit]

Could you perhaps feel uncomfortable about how much older your boyfriend is to you, or how he acts like your dad? Those seem like the most logical answers.

And considering it's not necessarily what's IN dreams, but how you feel, and you said you feel shitty afterwards... I'm guessing there's something that you're uncomfortable about in your current relationship- whether with your boyfriend or with your father.

Hope I helped.

 

[KoPilot]

Could you perhaps feel uncomfortable about how much older your boyfriend is to you, or how he acts like your dad? Those seem like the most logical answers.

And considering it's not necessarily what's IN dreams, but how you feel, and you said you feel shitty afterwards... I'm guessing there's something that you're uncomfortable about in your current relationship- whether with your boyfriend or with your father.

Hope I helped.

I probably do find it a little weird that he's older, but at the same time, I know that I find it pretty hot, actually. And that's just when I notice it, which isn't all that often.

And you might be right about something uncomfortable going on with my dad. I'm finding out through my mom and grandma this school year things that he's done that paint him in a very unfavorable light. Things like giving my mom very little in child support when I was younger because he claimed to have been putting money away for college for me (and here I am, due to be tens of thousands of dollars in debt after I graduate next year), and other similar things that make me feel hurt and betrayed by someone that I was very close to once upon a time.

Thank you for the reply!

 

[fire_breeze]

I sympathise - as someone who has had recurring nightmares since she was 3, I completely know what it's like to wake up from something so completely unpleasant that you are in tears.

That being said, no one really understands what dreams are. The most prevalent and widely accepted theory is that dreams are merely the subconscious way of figuring out the unresolved problems that the conscious doesn't have time to solve. Think of it as a back up. Dreams are also very highly symbolic: just because you are having a dream that you are in some sort of sexual relationship with your father does not necessarily mean that you are have hidden desires or that your father wants you or anything. It can mean something as banal as not paying your parking ticket on time (and I'm not trying to be facetious). Because they are so encroached in symbolism that depend on so many different and unique factors, dream analysis is a very complex field.

The fact that these started after you've had sex with your current boyfriend CAN, but not necessarily, be telling; might I presume that he is not your first? You did say that he (the boyfriend) has many traits that remind you of your father - it is possible, and I'm not a dream therapist but am thinking out loud - that unconsciously, you are associating more your boyfriend with your father and that makes you uncomfortable. Again, I'm not a therapist, nor would any competent therapist would make such an assessment like this.

If you are worried about these dreams and if they are having a detrimental effect on your life, then please see someone. You're 21; are you in university? Most universities do have counselling sessions that are free and sometimes are available to the public for a lower cost than normal. You can also check out your community services, local churches/synagogues/places of worship as they may have resources available; or even google free counselling in your area. And remember, counselling is private, the counsellor is, by law, not allowed to mention your sessions. If this is bothering you so much, then you should see someone. If you have to ask your parents for a loan, you can always say that you are undergoing massive amounts of stress and its affecting your well being.

In the meantime, this is what works for me. It may not work for you - everyone is different. I try to review my day, logically and coolly, before going to bed. Then I either watch something completely unrelated or read or both. It cannot be mentally taxing - so it's often an episode of Iron Chef, Sex in the City, Star Trek or The Big Bang Theory, something fun and light, and reading is often a historical mystery novel. I take a shower every single night, no matter how late and imagine my day going down the drain. I do everything in my power to relax, both physically and mentally, which is very hard for me. I try to make sure that every single day I talk to someone who means a lot to me and who can, just by mentally be near them, calm me. Before I go to sleep, I rerun the conversation. I was also given a Native dream stone. When I have a feeling that I will have a nightmare that night, I will clutch it or rub it. Maybe a physical talisman, such as a dream warden, dream catcher, etc, might work for you. The point is to calm down and to find whatever works for you. It might be yoga. It might be playing with your cats or dogs. It might be reading a children's story. It might be doing a sudoku puzzle. It might be a combination of things. It does take trial and error, I'm afraid.

And when I wake up from a recurring nightmare, I remind myself that sometimes a dream is just a dream, and that it will remain as such.

Good luck

 

[Mac98]

I'm glad you brought this up, Kopilot. I had "recurring" nightmares not long ago, although, like you say, the dream itself wasn't recurring, but the theme was.

In my case, I kept having nightmares that the girl I was in love with was being raped then murdered. Not exactly a pleasant dream. She and I weren't ever in a relationship, so I kept it from her and all my other friends. What I did is that every time I'd remember the dream (and this went on for a few months, totaling maybe 8 dreams), I'd immediately open up a notebook and write it all down in complete detail, no matter how uncomfortable it was. Then, a few weeks later, with a fresh mind, I'd reread them and analyze them.

However, not long after, I heard she was being stalked by a man with a drug problem and who's been arrested for rape and drug possesion before, so at that moment, I didn't hesitate to let her know about my dreams (well, actually, I told her boyfriend who happens to be my best friend, knowing he would tell her), but nonetheless, it's never easy telling someone you've been dreaming his girlfriend's been getting raped and murdered. In the end, nothing happened. Both of them are safe and sound and I've stopped having the nightmares.

I don't know what helped. Was it me telling her or was it me rereading my dreams and analysing them? I don't know, but it hasn't happened again.

The point I'm trying to make, here, is that to me, there's a meaning to all nightmares. And if it's a recurring theme, then it's probably something important. Like others have said, try a few tactics given here, and if nothing helps, then I suggest going to just a couple of therapy sessions and getting someone with a fresh mind from the outside looking in.

 

[KoPilot]

@fire_breeze: Thank you so much for that. And yes, dreams are tricky because of their symbolism... I remember hearing/reading someplace that having sex with someone in a dream actually means that you admire them. I'm not too sure about that, but it makes me feel a little better.

And yes, I probably will go see someone about this if it keeps happening... fortunately, it hasn't for a while.


@Mac: Thank you for the advice as well! Wow, those sound like terrible, terrible dreams to have had... I had a dream like that once about my boyfriend, and actually continued to think that he'd been abducted and murdered for a while after waking up. It was one of the worst feelings in the world.

I definitely think there is merit to what you said. I know I have a crazy grandmother into all of the metaphysical stuff, and she claims to be a vast well of knowledge when it comes to dreams. She's said on numerous occasions that keeping a dream journal is very important, and if writing down your visions possibly helped you, I should give it a shot.



Once again, thanks a lot guys. I can't tell you how much the support means, as anonymous as it may be.

 

[subwannabe]

I would think counseling may be a good avenue to overcome this problem. Most of the time I think this can often be a waste of time and these people are more or less quacks but in this particular case, since you are basically normal without any further problems, it could benefit you immensley. However, since you are saying that this is basically not an option, I will state the obvious. Get a new younger boyfriend. Your subconscious is telling you that there is just too much of an age difference between you and you probably aren't going to get over this unless you see a shrink or get a new boyfriend.

 

[KoPilot]

I would think counseling may be a good avenue to overcome this problem. Most of the time I think this can often be a waste of time and these people are more or less quacks but in this particular case, since you are basically normal without any further problems, it could benefit you immensley. However, since you are saying that this is basically not an option, I will state the obvious. Get a new younger boyfriend. Your subconscious is telling you that there is just too much of an age difference between you and you probably aren't going to get over this unless you see a shrink or get a new boyfriend.

I saw a psychologist when I was thrown in the middle of a lot of domestic problems as a youngster, and that was a very good, helpful experience, so I don't really write off that kind of help as being a waste of time.

And as for the getting a new boyfriend thing, not an option. I love him too much. (Not to mention that I've never, ever had any interest in anyone my age anyways, haha.)

Thing is, I rarely even remember that there's an age difference between us. Sometimes I'm reminded when we talk about our childhoods, or if he's talking about 80's or 90's politics. Small things like that. I know that in the past I've expressed a little anxiety about what OTHER people would think, though. Worried about his friends thinking that I was some kind of trophy girlfriend, or that we hooked up for the "wrong" reasons (it doesn't help that he's a notable figure in certain circles that I associate with), or my friends and family freaking about him taking advantage of me. Those issues weighed pretty heavily on my mind about a year ago, but not really anymore. At least, not to my knowledge.

I guess there's a lot of factors at play here... though I think being able to talk about it is definitely helping.

 

[subwannabe]

I do believe your subconscious is telling you about the age difference. That's not necessarily good or bad, just a fact. Since leaving him doesn't seem to be an option I suggest not only talking about it here but with close friends, maybe even your boyfriend. To get rid of the dreams you have to confront them and bring them out into the open. Just be selective on who you talk to. I usually always dated people older than myself too but I never had dreams about it. I think if you confront those dreams they will disappear.

 

[Mac98]

@Mac: Thank you for the advice as well! Wow, those sound like terrible, terrible dreams to have had... I had a dream like that once about my boyfriend, and actually continued to think that he'd been abducted and murdered for a while after waking up. It was one of the worst feelings in the world.

I definitely think there is merit to what you said. I know I have a crazy grandmother into all of the metaphysical stuff, and she claims to be a vast well of knowledge when it comes to dreams. She's said on numerous occasions that keeping a dream journal is very important, and if writing down your visions possibly helped you, I should give it a shot.



Once again, thanks a lot guys. I can't tell you how much the support means, as anonymous as it may be.

Keep in touch with how all this goes. I'm curious as to how you'll resolve this (unless you'd rather stay private about the ensuing results).

 

[KoPilot]

I will definitely let you know how things go. :]

And I guess here's a little bit more about my sleeping habits:

I'm a side and tummy sleeper; the only time I was exhausted enough to fall asleep face up was the only time that I'd ever had a night terror. (I know that sleeping on your back has something to do with an increased likelihood of bad dreams... I think it had something to do with the pressure on your neck and head.) I also sometimes take melatonin before bed, and I know that's supposed to result in more vivid dreams, so I'll start keeping track of when I take it and what my dreams are that night.

And not everyone believes in metaphysical stuff, but as someone who once practiced Wicca, I still have some lingering suspicions that not all of it is a bunch of hooey. So I also keep a small chunk of hematite beside my bed now. All of the things it corresponds with are exactly all of the things I need.

If I have another bad dream (which might not happen for a while... though I hope that simply talking about it and not keeping it to myself has helped make it stop) I should probably record all of the above, and even what I ate for dinner that night too.

Let's hope the next time I post here will be with optimistic news!

 

[sunandshadow]

My nightmare for the week was seeing vines growing under my skin and starting to poke out through the skin and knowing they were eating me from the inside. I know why I had that dream - my fears about an internal health problem somehow got combined with the fact that I've been intently watching my garden sprout for the past 3 weeks. It doesn't actually have a damn thing to do with gardening, that's just a metaphor my brain grabbed. If I didn't firmly know this it would be easy to start feeling afraid of plants.

So my point is, tell yourself your boyfriend isn't your father, you will never, ever be in a sexual situation with your father, and don't worry about that part. Instead you might want to think if there is any particular element of your boyfriend's behavior (or even his cologne) which feels too fatherly and might be bothering you.

 

[fire_breeze]

I was reading a magazine at the gym today, and there was an article on dreams. Anywho, one of the points was recurring nightmares. The response was that they are usually issues that you haven't fully resolved - and one of the ways to stop a nightmare recurring is to change the ending to one that happy or at the very least, not distasteful. The example they gave was someone falling - when you wake up, the first thing you should do is to think of either flying or having Superman rescue you or whatever. DO this enough and the dream will either dissipate or change altogether.

Mind you, this was a suggestion in Self magazine, so I'm not sure how concrete the research is...

And not everyone believes in metaphysical stuff, but as someone who once practiced Wicca, I still have some lingering suspicions that not all of it is a bunch of hooey. So I also keep a small chunk of hematite beside my bed now. All of the things it corresponds with are exactly all of the things I need.

There is some merit to this. Your consciousness is projecting that that particular object will help. It's not necessarily the belief that the object/pendant/whatever holds protective properties, but rather that your mind becomes more confident with dealing the troubles it faces, by focusing on an external point. No one truly understands how the mind works, but it is a very powerful thing.

 

[Mac98]

And not everyone believes in metaphysical stuff, but as someone who once practiced Wicca, I still have some lingering suspicions that not all of it is a bunch of hooey. So I also keep a small chunk of hematite beside my bed now. All of the things it corresponds with are exactly all of the things I need.

The mind is a powerful thing. The part of it that's aware when we're asleep (the subconcious) is so refined that our brain fails to understand it. Our subconcious holds things our concious mind doesn't want to deal with and probably more. My own opinion is that it's probably the window to other dimensions, however silly that may sound. Many people have reported seeing fallen loved ones in their dreams telling them eerie, yet comforting things. Some even have precog dreams which are pretty fucken unexplainable if you ask me, no matter how much you want to decifer it.

There are things in the world we just can't explain and perhaps never will.


As for what Fire_breeze said, about changing the ending of your dream. I remember the last recurring nightmare I had, it ended with the the person who I kept dreaming getting raped and murdered had her life saved by my friend and I in a series of spectacular events. In fact, I remember waking up from that dream think "...That was really fucken cool" (in involved shooting a bad guy in the face, dodging cars and jumping fences). Since then, I didn't dream of it again... So perhaps changing the ending would help.

 

[KoPilot]

I just wanted to post a follow up:

I haven't had any nightmares of this sort in several months, thank god! I think talking to you guys definitely helped a lot in easing some unconscious tension I had about the subject, and now I feel much better.

Thank you for your support, everyone!

 

[silverwhisper]

kopilot, i understand that often in dreams, sex with a specific person isn't necessarily representative of a desire to have sex with that person, but rather is an expression of a desire for closeness or non-erotic intimacy with that person.

if that's the case, i think the various similarities and the age difference may be reminding you of the relationship with your father. this might also be where the recent revelations about your father are also contributing to this: you naturally might have questions and perhaps wish you could talk with him to get some answers.

just a thought.

ed

 

[KoPilot]

this might also be where the recent revelations about your father are also contributing to this: you naturally might have questions and perhaps wish you could talk with him to get some answers.

just a thought.

ed

Wow, you make a point that I hadn't even occurred to me, and yet, I think about it quite often. I've found out a lot of things about him in the past year or so that basically amount to a lot of broken trust... damaging a bond that was formed when I was a kid when I looked to him for stability when my mom was stuck in an abusive second marriage.

I guess in that sense I feel a bit taken advantage of, on behalf of myself and my mom... maybe those dreams were just telling me what I already knew, just with a different vocabulary.

 

[Mac98]

maybe those dreams were just telling me what I already knew, just with a different vocabulary.

Dreams are exactly that. Taking logic statements and expressing them as well as the subconcious mind can... in illogical, non-patterned broken images. It's the subconcious mind's interpretation of a logic feeling, emotion, thought, etc.

It's nice to hear you've gotten over that. It's quite something to go through disturbing re-accuring nightmares, I know...

 

[KoPilot]

Dreams are exactly that. Taking logic statements and expressing them as well as the subconcious mind can... in illogical, non-patterned broken images. It's the subconcious mind's interpretation of a logic feeling, emotion, thought, etc.

Boy does my brain have a terrible way with words, then!

It's nice to hear you've gotten over that. It's quite something to go through disturbing re-accuring nightmares, I know...

Thank you! I'll keep my fingers crossed for the both of us in hopes that we don't have to have any more awful recurring nightmares.