Back In The Dating Game

[Katieb_38]

So, I'm going through a divorce and I have since have been doing the casual sex thing. I have decided to get back to getting something a little more serious. My thought is now how do I approach this. Should I be totally up front that I'm a bi woman who has had a lot of experience of swinging. Although I'm thinking maybe if I do get serious with someone, then I should maybe just come clean a bit at a time. I want a guy to like me for me rather than thinking he's going to get extra because of my sexual lifestyle.

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[atariblue]

No real advice just encouragement. Get out there, be your sexy self, hopefully you'll meet someone who will love you as you are and understand/ be into your sexual lifestyle, if that's what you want, a guy who's into swinging. I too hope to find someone who's into the swing lifestyle.

Good luck, keep us updated

 

[Love2Spurt]

Don't settle for anything less than what you want. Look in the right places too if you want someone to swing with you. Take your time and enjoy. Oh and again...keep us posted

 

[FGB]

Don't give your life history on the first date!

But, if you see you are going to be dating them for awhile or get serious you will need to at least outline things.

More than three dates with me and I a running a background check and checking on the local grapevine for information,rumors and opinions.

and compare it to what YOU have to say.

A liar and a cheat gets the door every time...bad girls get to be themselves.

 

[Katieb_38]

I will approach it as not telling everything about my sex history in the first meets. I will see how it goes although I don't have anyone in mind yet. I might have to put it on hold though as one of my best friends is giving me a divorce party. She told me we were going away for a week for some fun. What I found out today is that it's in Las Vegas. She's paying or rather her hubby is as he is loaded. She said we are going there to party and have fun.

 

[ssremember129]

Having gone through this before, I would suggest, as others have, to not disclose too much too soon--it can set an impression that is hard to overcome. If you find yourself getting serious with someone, then I have found there is no set time table for disclosure. You just need to do this when you are both in a frame of mind to talk about life rather than just lust.

And, yes, you need to talk to this person about your sexuality, but it is not something I would talk about with just anyone. It is also important to state, what you want to do moving forward and if that includes swinging, then you both should be ready for the ups and downs of that lifestyle.

 

[SissySalina]

sissy would agree on the slow method but it also depends on the other one. If they come clean so should you. Like a tit for tat.

 

[Katieb_38]

Thanks for all the advice, no date for me on Valentines day. I'm going over to see my friend and now ex sister in law Laura. She is having a couple of friends round as well, we are all single so at least we have something in common lol.

 

[Intoanythin]

I think you will do just fine out there. You seem very cute with a very cool outlook in things, you have an openness about sex, and I think someone would be lucky to have your attention.

 

[FL30]

First you need to decide what type of relationship you would want to have with the other person.

random dating, not serious dating, serious dating, committed relationship, swinging relationship, etc.

After you decide that, then you can start to go find the type of person you would want to be with.

It will be easier to find them once you know the type.

Then you just need to start looking for that type of person where those types of people are general found.

I know it might not be much help, but qualifying what type of relationship you want first will help to keep problems away.

 

[policywank]

I approach dating on the basis that it is my prerogative to be me and I don’t owe it to anyone to attach a warning label to any particular aspect of that which they may not like. The aspects of me which are non-traditional (such as sexual habits) don’t get managed differently from those that are more mainstream because it isn’t incumbent upon me to meet someone else’s expectation.

Of course as we get to know each other and he/she wants to know more about me or expresses their own preferences I share info in a way that respects both of us. If it becomes clear or I get hints that someone could not accept my poly lifestyle then I will bring it up or exit the scene. I won’t just lead them along blindly. But I don’t owe it to anyone to say I am poly in the first 20 seconds and I think it would come across as presumptuous to lay out every aspect of what I do or don’t want/like/believe in before we even get started.

It is great to know what you want and have a real sense of self. But I don’t actually believe in focussing too narrowly on a specific set of characteristics or preferences. When we put blinders on we miss opportunity and frequently distort our own vision. Nothing wrong with looking for what you want in the places it is normally found. But don’t be too quick to write off the people who don’t appear to be what you want.

 

[writermanbrit]

I waited a long time before marriage as I never met the right person, but was only looking for a sexy female at first and very little thought of kinks, so never discussed that aspect with anyone.
Eventually both of us probably rushed into it as we were both single, no kids but wanted a family and time was running out for both, so got married twelve years ago, but separated nine years after that.
I have now come to the conclusion, after most of my relationships have been ordinary/vanilla, that the way I tend to date (slowly, and not just anybody) means that in order to find someone who might be into the same kinks as me, unless I look in places such as alternative dating or sex sites, it could take many failed relationships and a dozen years before I might just possibly find someone who likes similar stuff.
As an older person, I just have not got the same amount of time left as a twenty five year old for example, and so I will be looking for someone who wants more than vanilla, and is probably into some of the stuff on here that has it's own category, although I don't expect them to be enthusiastic about every kink in the book.
So Katie, I would say that as you are in the uk you should perhaps try an ordinary dating site or everyday cafes, bars etc to get a feel for dating the average guy, but also look into more specialised sites (shaghunt for example ?) where sex is openly discussed, then after a few dates/contacts from each 'method', see which of them brings you what you are looking for.
If you find an average guy who likes you for you, there is a strong possibility he won't be as enthusiastic with all of your sexual preferences, so you're then faced with the choice of.... a)keeping him and either having some different sex secretly or going without the things he doesn't like, or b) ending the relationship to look for the next person and hoping they fit in with your lifestyle, thus throwing away however many months you spent on that failed relationship.

If 38 is your age, then time is on your side of course, but in my case I need to be more specific as 'wait and see' has not worked and life is passing me by.

As a man, another thought occurred to me - if I thought I had met the woman of my dreams, but it turned out that although everything had appeared hunky dory, she had these hidden desires and experiences which she had kept a secret, I might well feel hurt and cheated in some way, that I had not been told sooner, so I could decide whether to go or stay.
Also, if you appear to be just another 'normal' person, then a man who is looking for a more kinky lifestyle might well pass you by due to past experiences of failed vanilla relationships (a bit like me perhaps), and you miss out on a really suitable partner.

Not an easy decision for you, but good luck and please keep us posted, as I'm sure there will be quite a few people in your situation.

 

[srgreene]

So, I'm going through a divorce and I have since have been doing the casual sex thing. I have decided to get back to getting something a little more serious. My thought is now how do I approach this. Should I be totally up front that I'm a bi woman who has had a lot of experience of swinging. ... Any advice would be appreciated.

A lot of men are put off by bi-sexual women. It comes as a challenged to their male egos. My husband-to-be was accepting of my previous dalliances (he’d had a few too, after all) but when I revealed a brief history wi( women and that I had indeed enjoyed it, that was a difficult thing for him to accept.

Strange creatures, men- my freewheeling ways with men were far more of a challenge for me to give up than my (disappointingly) brief experiences with women.

 

[problemagain]

So, I'm going through a divorce and I have since have been doing the casual sex thing. I have decided to get back to getting something a little more serious. My thought is now how do I approach this. Should I be totally up front that I'm a bi woman who has had a lot of experience of swinging. Although I'm thinking maybe if I do get serious with someone, then I should maybe just come clean a bit at a time. I want a guy to like me for me rather than thinking he's going to get extra because of my sexual lifestyle.

Any advice would be appreciated.

you don't owe anyone a history or an explanation of yourself unless you begin getting serious about a person. the drawback also to divulging a sexual history too early is that it can feed the other persons expectations of what they 'should expect' from you and leads them to compare themselves to others. you get to choose what you choose to tell and when in your own good time. it is rather like peeling the layers as time goes along. the very best of luck in your new life

 

[Spenser41]

Well I’ll throw in my 2 cents. Don’t date to get serious just date to make friends. Then if it grows into something more, share what you want but be careful not to spill all. Expose a little at a time. As it gets more serious then go to the heavier stuff but only if you feel he can handle it. I’d you want to keep that lifestyle going make sure he is already there or into it or he could run. And if he is not and you want to continue in that lifestyle you can say good bye and move on. I would take it slow.

 

[Spenser41]

sorry double post

 

[policywank]

Many people create frustration for themselves because they get quickly and heavily vested in one relationship and trying to make it what they want it to be. If it doesn’t work out they feel like they have lost time. There is nothing restricting you to one at a time or any particular number for that matter.

People don’t really change at least not unless the really want to and only then in small increments. We need to accept them as they are or not at all. You may be able to peel back the layers of their conditioning and defences and that can be very rewarding. But never try to mold them into what you want because that amounts to not accepting them as they are - it won’t work and it will harm them in the process.

 

[Suburbia]

my advice is dont be up front. if you are then you will never know if they like you or the kink.

"going through a divorce" implies still ongoing. if that is the case stick with the casual for awhile. Let that shit be good and done before you start new shit.

good luck, sweetie.

 

[AngusBridie]

The obvious answer is Date Me !!!.

 

[Mqoi]

One of my biggest regrets is not telling my wife that I'm bi before we got married and waiting until we'd been together for years before trying to tell her. It didn't go over well as she almost left me and still won't discuss it.

If you are getting serious with someone and thinking about long term commitment, you need to tell them before it goes too far. It ate at me for years and I should have told her long ago.

 

[Hipshot1554]

A lot of men are put off by bi-sexual women. It comes as a challenged to their male egos. My husband-to-be was accepting of my previous dalliances (he’d had a few too, after all) but when I revealed a brief history wi( women and that I had indeed enjoyed it, that was a difficult thing for him to accept.

Strange creatures, men- my freewheeling ways with men were far more of a challenge for me to give up than my (disappointingly) brief experiences with women.

Experiences can certainly add to what we become. Why would someone who likes you, fault how you became you?