aussies

[m.j.h]

Okay this one has some bad taste bits but here goes.


14 things a man can do at the supermarket while his wife/gf/partner/female friend/mother is taking her time:

01. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's trolleys when they aren't looking.
02. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
03. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies toilet.
04. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3 in Housewares... and see what happens.
05. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.
06. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
07. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department and tell other shoppers you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.
08. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
09. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
10. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are located.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.
12. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"
13. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and assume the fetal position and scream "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"
And last but not least:
14. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"

 

[m.j.h]

Hey, this is so Aussie, having jokes to share like this. It's great isn't it.

It sure is.
The good company helps a lot as well.

 

[davoo]

this one i liked alot

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year." They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery

 

[Ladybird]

It sure is.
The good company helps a lot as well.

 

[m.j.h]

And a big and hug right back at ya.

 

[davoo]

It sure is.
The good company helps a lot as well.

lets break out the mash mellows ...now who has the stick...mmm roasted marshmellows around the camp fire and lots of jokes

 

[Ladybird]

And a big and hug right back at ya.

Ohh yeah baby.

 

[m.j.h]

Well here is another.
Just hope LB isn't offended.

13 Things PMS Stands For

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect

 

[davoo]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches
I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to
stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a
headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It
worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist
and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the
bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better
than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly
follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the
mirror and saying,

"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

His funeral service will be held on Monday

 

[m.j.h]

Ten Top Things That Sound Dirty At The Office, But Aren't:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Put it in my box before you leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
5. HMMMMMMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there.

 

[Ladybird]

Well here is another.
Just hope LB isn't offended.

13 Things PMS Stands For

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect

LB likes... and laughed.

 

[m.j.h]

LB likes... and laughed.

Thats good. Sometimes i can go a bit overboard then i'm in trouble.

 

[Ladybird]

Thats good. Sometimes i can go a bit overboard then i'm in trouble.

Nah, not here hon. I do have a sense of humour.... keep it happening.

 

[davoo]

here's my last one hope u like.

One day a mother was cleaning her son's room and under the bed she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said...


"Well, I don't think you should spank him."

 

[m.j.h]

Men's English:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry.
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
3. I am tired = I am tired.
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage.
5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.




Women's English:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want...
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble.
7. Sure, go ahead = You'd better not.
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later.
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

 

[m.j.h]

here's my last one hope u like.

One day a mother was cleaning her son's room and under the bed she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said...


"Well, I don't think you should spank him."

ROFLMAO
Gold.

 

[davoo]

ok u 2 i'm outa here need some sleep...will get some more jokes tomorrow ..my mate is a joke encyclepedia...good night LB .nite mjh no rose for u haha

 

[m.j.h]

Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone
who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day
long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years
we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------





So endeth the lesson.

 

[Ladybird]

ok u 2 i'm outa here need some sleep...will get some more jokes tomorrow ..my mate is a joke encyclepedia...good night LB .nite mjh no rose for u haha

Night sweet...... sleep well.

 

[m.j.h]

ok u 2 i'm outa here need some sleep...will get some more jokes tomorrow ..my mate is a joke encyclepedia...good night LB .nite mjh no rose for u haha

Night Davoo.
You would have me worried if i did get one.

 

[m.j.h]

Just the two of us.

Wasn't that some song?

 

[m.j.h]

Hey LB, time for me to be going to bed as well.
Have a good weekend and see you all on Monday.

 

[Don K Dyck]

evening aussies

long time, no type for me - sorry about my absence.
i've had a few major things to deal with in the last couple of weeks.... not least of which, a short stay in hospital.
i'm happy to report that my health isn't that bad however - but i have a few more things to go thro before i'm out of the woods [so to speak].
i still get tired very easily, so i won't be on for long when i do manage to get here.

work has been going just fine... in between breaks for health reasons - and i'm picking up a bit of chrissy trade.

family is all super-good.... and i'm quite a proud mommy as all my kids have exceeded expectations for this year academically

i haven't read back over the 30 or so pages i've missed, so if there's anything important i should be aware of, someone pm me please

Hi WQ . . . glad that you're back, we missed seeing your titillating av . . . . . . oh, and your perceptive insights into the workings of the Apple Isle . . .

I dunno . . . I think Gil is to blame for so many people getting crook at the moment . . . he exhausts himself chasing after bandit (who fortunately runs very, very slowly) and lands himself in hospital for a bit . . . then everybody else seems to think that chasing nurses & doctors is a good gig, so rush off to follow his lead . . . I mean, what chance have us poor non- medical types got in those circumstances . . .

seriously though, get well quickly . . .

 

[Don K Dyck]

above the box where you type your replies are three drop down menus..one says COLOUR..select a colour and a dialogue box will pop up and you type what you want in colour in that, close and it will appear in your post in glorious technicolour!

Another way is the straight forward highlight the text that you want coloured and click on the COLOR drop down menu button and then on the required colour from the selection . . . the puta will do the rest automatically . . .

If you want to COLOUR AND BOLD together . . .

1. click on COLOR, select the color, wait for puta to put in the COLOR limits in the text . . . then

2. highlight the text to be COLOR AND BOLD and

3. click on B that is BOLD

4. ensure that the defiing symbols are nested brackets (see 2 & 3 above in the text form) and NOT crossed brackets

<Hmmm . . . this version in preview doesn't seem to mind crossed brackets in PREVIEW . . . the previous version didn't like it . . .>

If you want to put in an aside or secret message that can be read, the best colour is Silver rather than white.

The same rule applies to any other combination of two or more text features . . .

. . . have a play and find out what you can do . . .

 

[Don K Dyck]

Hi everyone

Geez . . . I dunno . . . a man goes out for a few beers, some pool and dinner and what happens?? . . . those very seducitve Valia cheeks return . . . they are enough to keep a man sleepless . . .

<Can't blame the av for me being up at this very early hour . . . just couldn't sleep . . .>