Aunt/Nephew incest story: feedback please!

[Samaman]

Hey, I submitted my first story and it's up now. I would like to know what you all think, and would like to ask you to vote on it. My name is Sam and it's called "Tyler's Spring Break in April" under the Incest category. Thanks a bunch!
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=53419

 

[the_bragis]

Feedback

Hi Sam,

Oh goody, I'm the first response to your story. I love being first.

You know previously I wouldn't have looked at an incent story, but I've had a little serendipidy reading the stories in here lately. Let me tell you this one is good. Now, my opinion?

I can't comment of spelling, gramma, or punctuation (it all looked ok to me btw), as I'm no expert. What I can tell you is, I thought the story idea was hot, and for me a nice balance of descriptions and dialog.

Call me a sick little bunny, but I really enjoyed reading about how that poor little bugger squirmed and felt uncomfortable with his aunt in the pool. Not to mention how outrageously seductive she was taking advantage of him like that. Damn it......There are teeth marks in the top of my computer desk from when I read about her oiling his cock up!!

Your first effort? I'm impressed. A vote? I gave this story a vote to match Tyler's manhood. ~laughing~

Have a great day,
Alex(fem)

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Samaman,

Here are some of the things I noticed. The opening paragraph adds little, IMHO, to the story. We get most of that information later. You might consider starting with the phone call or even, with a little more re-write, at the gate to the aunt’s house.

If she is his “best friend” and lives close enough to his school for him to commute back and forth, why hasn’t he seen her recently and why is the size of her home such a shock?

The story line might be more consistent if he were just starting college far away from home and, to save the cost of a dorm room or apt., was moving in to stay with his recently widowed aunt.

Drop the long description of the house. It slows the story and adds no important information.

IMHO, this sentence is incredibly screwed-up and needs a lot of work. “He took a deep breath and began to undress as he made his way out to the pool, deciding it couldn't hurt, "besides she's just my aunt," he thought.

"Does my ass feel good Tyler?" She said breathlessly…?” The word “breathlessly” is an example of an adverbial tag, or “Tom Swiftie”. Don’t use ‘em, ever.

Your sex scene worked, although I was confused about the positioning when he was rubbing her boobs while she was blowing him. You also did a good job of showing his naïve nervousness.

You’ve got a good imagination but you need to learn some of the “tricks of the writing trade" then keep writing and posting.

Rumple Foreskin