Ask the Dom/mes Thread

[Ebonyfire]

Now that we have an infusion of new faces in this forum, I thought it would be nice to open a thread where new (and old) folks could ask the Dom/mes a specific question.

The rules:

1. Ask a question about BDSM and/or D/s, being as specific as you can.

2. If the question has already been answered, I request one of Us (Dom/mes) post the thread that includes the answer.

3. If other Dom/mes want to piggyback additional information, please feel free. Remember we have all flavors of Dominants here, and they have their unique perspectives to share.

4. Tops & switches are encouraged to voice their views.

5. Submissives are also welcome to post.

6. Please stay on topic, the success of this thread depends on it. Do not use this thread for personal agendas. We want to educate and inform, not confuse.

7. Have fun and try not to get defensive when others disagree. We are all posting our opinions and personal experiences.

This is a little experiment, and let's just see if it works!


Ebonyfire

 

[~Dream~]

ok Question no 1 is..

"What are some suggestions ,if any, for a new submissive to do to be able to 'properly be 'serving Her/his Master/Mistress in an LDR /online WHERE IT IS SO HARD FOR THE submissive to FEEL she/he is doing a good job?"I am VERY serious here....

 

[lovetoread]

My question is about what rights a sub has to her own body.

Can a Dom/Domme make you do things that alter you?

Meaning such things as hair,tattoos,branding,piercing,etc?

Can you just say no?

 

[cellis]

Eb this is a great idea for a thread!!

So you know that I have this little Domme streak that I have been working on and I am wondering how do I prevent myself from being a situation where I am being manipulated by a sub...

In other words what are some of the warning signs or signals that you look for?

 

[P. B. Walker]

My question is about what rights a sub has to her own body.

Can a Dom/Domme make you do things that alter you?

Meaning such things as hair,tattoos,branding,piercing,etc?

Can you just say no?

Not meaning to step in here... but my opinion: You always have the right to say NO. Remember that. Also, I do not think a Dom/me would ask you to change your body in a way that you were not receptive to. Especially if the change is a hard limit. For example, if you are very anti-piercing, you meering have to say that peircing is a hard limit for you. You shouldn't be questioned about it again. If it is a soft limit, then they may ask you about it once or twice, in hopes that you've changed your mind, but if you have not, then just say No.

Just my two cents

PBW

 

[cellis]

Re: ok Question no 1 is..

"What are some suggestions ,if any, for a new submissive to do to be able to 'properly be 'serving Her/his Master/Mistress in an LDR /online WHERE IT IS SO HARD FOR THE submissive to FEEL she/he is doing a good job?"I am VERY serious here....

I am going to try to answer this without pissing you off Dream...

First and foremost there is no properly serving a Master... that is defined within the realm of your relationship... What is appropriate for you would never work for me or vice versa...

If you have doubts about "doing a good job" then perhaps you should ask your Master what his expectations are of you, instead of asking us... we don't know what is expected of you...

Also if you are doing as your Master asks, then I would assume that you are "doing a good job"....

 

[~Dream~]

LTR...

My question is about what rights a sub has to her own body.

Can a Dom/Domme make you do things that alter you?

Meaning such things as hair,tattoos,branding,piercing,etc?

Can you just say no?

____________________
You cannot be "FORCED ' to do anything you do not CHOOSE to submit to ,period.. Submission to those things for your Dom //mes has to be a WILLING decision ,consensual ,period..

 

[P. B. Walker]

Eb this is a great idea for a thread!!

So you know that I have this little Domme streak that I have been working on and I am wondering how do I prevent myself from being a situation where I am being manipulated by a sub...

In other words what are some of the warning signs or signals that you look for?

I'm a switch so I'm not sure if you want to hear my point of view, but I thought I'd toss out my thoughts really quick while I'm here

I don't necessarily have alot of experience with this, but I would think that you need to 1) try to understand why the submissive is trying to manipulate the scene and 2) what are they trying to manipulate you into doing. Once you have insight into these two things, I think you will be able to either stop them from manipulating it, or fulfill their urges in your own way and at your own pace. I would also think a good tool in getting them to stop is to either re-focus their efforts into something else, or give them something new think about/occupy them.

Sorry I can't be more specific and hopefully that helps.

PBW

 

[Ebonyfire]

My question is about what rights a sub has to her own body.

All subs (male & female) have 100% rights to their body.

The power exchange requires consent. Consent can be withdrawn at any time.

Can a Dom/Domme make you do things that alter you?

Not against you will. If altering your body is a hard limit, then that limit must be respected. RUN, do not walk away from a Dom/me who does not respect safewords and limits.

During the course of a relationship, limits may change, so like consent, limits should be re-negotiated periodically so that the submissive can grow and stretch his/her limits. If this is not done, both parties will grow bored and the magic will disappear.


Meaning such things as hair,tattoos,branding,piercing,etc?

Read above. Remember to specify what is not tolerable. Also if certain things are a requirement for a certain dominant do not submit to him/her. Most dominants (myself included) have requirements that are non-negotiable. I personally show my requirements to potential submissives, and they must agree to them in advance of any future discussion with Me.

Can you just say no?

Yes. It may mean the end of the relationship, but as I said before consent is a continuous process and must be reaffirmed daily.
These are My views, and what I live by, YMMV.

Any other dominants care to respond?

Ebony

 

[~Dream~]

Re: Cellis

I am going to try to answer this without pissing you off Dream...

First and foremost there is no properly serving a Master... that is defined within the realm of your relationship... What is appropriate for you would never work for me or vice versa...

If you have doubts about "doing a good job" then perhaps you should ask your Master what his expectations are of you, instead of asking us... we don't know what is expected of you...

Also if you are doing as your Master asks, then I would assume that you are "doing a good job"....

______________________
I really have NO idea why you would automatically THINK that your opinions would PISS me off Cellis,,but they Didnt ,ty for the imput ,I have been known in the past to react quite defensively ,agreed, however I suggest to some that my attitde has indeed grown humbler,and after coming CLOSE to LOSING my realationship,it has truly "opened my eyes", I think I need to "rephrase my question"

What suggestions Do you Dom/Mes or even Subs have that are in LDR / Online only for now...for Submissives to do that will make the experience seem "MORE REAL/" after the skin to skin ,it was AWESOME ,, no problems submitting at all to Himin R/L ,,You can ask Master,He will tell you it is the TRUTH .. however it is HARDER to FEEL the Control,from online only ... if this sounds dumb or idiotic ,please dont respond ,I can take my question elsewhere ,like to Miss T or MsWorthy...

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: ok Question no 1 is..

I am going to try to answer this without pissing you off Dream...

First and foremost there is no properly serving a Master... that is defined within the realm of your relationship... What is appropriate for you would never work for me or vice versa...

If you have doubts about "doing a good job" then perhaps you should ask your Master what his expectations are of you, instead of asking us... we don't know what is expected of you...

Also if you are doing as your Master asks, then I would assume that you are "doing a good job"....

Ditto. I can only answer that for my own submissives. And it My case it is simple, I tell them they are doing a good job. It is that simple.

Eb

 

[cellis]

Thanks PB...

It is something to think about....

 

[~Dream~]

PBW..

I'm a switch so I'm not sure if you want to hear my point of view, but I thought I'd toss out my thoughts really quick while I'm here

I don't necessarily have alot of experience with this, but I would think that you need to 1) try to understand why the submissive is trying to manipulate the scene and 2) what are they trying to manipulate you into doing. Once you have insight into these two things, I think you will be able to either stop them from manipulating it, or fulfill their urges in your own way and at your own pace. I would also think a good tool in getting them to stop is to either re-focus their efforts into something else, or give them something new think about/occupy them.

Sorry I can't be more specific and hopefully that helps.
_______________________

I'd just like to say that I think that is excellent advice.. esp the WHY part.. Master KNOWS my intentions are NOT to 'manipulate ' Him but when it DOES happen the reasons or motives behind it are usually because of lack of UNDERSTANDING on HIS part because I have not accurately explained what I need from Him in a RESPECTFUL manner

 

[P. B. Walker]

Breaking a Sub in

Question for the Dom/mes:

You meet a submissive that is either new to the scene or very inexperienced and admits to wanting to experience their first erotic spanking/whipping/flogging. If they pass all your tests for playing, tell us how you would go about setting up this scene with them and what sorts of things would you do to them, including such things as location, atomsphere, mood settings (music, etc), clothing, etc.,. Also, what sorts of things you would say to them regarding their fears about being spanked/whipped/flogged. What sorts of safeguards would you put into place? Is one session enough, or would multiple sessions be in order?

PBW

 

[Ebonyfire]

In other words what are some of the warning signs or signals that you look for?

These are only a few of the warning signs/signals I look for.


I always ask a potential sub what he wants.

If he answers "I just want to serve you", then I remind him that he does not know Me so how can he serve Me? I ask for specifics, as in his fantasies. There is nothing wrong with a sub telling you his fantasies. It gives you insight into his kink.

I then ask how will you serve Me?

If he answers, I will do anything you want Mistress.

It throws up a red flag.

I want a submissive to answer the question not hedge it. He does not want to risk telling me something I do not want to hear, then in my mind he is a "do me" sub.

"Anything you say, Ma'am/Mistress", is not what I want to hear.

Ebony

 

[~Dream~]

Re: Re: Re: ok Question no 1 is..

Ditto. I can only answer that for my own submissives. And it My case it is simple, I tell them they are doing a good job. It is that simple.

Eb

____________________________
Well Master Always tells me He loves me and that I make Him HAPPY so I guess the main thing is just for me to learn to Accept that,it's just that when you have been involved with sexually and mentally abusive ASSHOLES before ,it doesnt come so easy sometimes..

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Breaking a Sub in

Question for the Dom/mes:

You meet a submissive that is either new to the scene or very inexperienced and admits to wanting to experience their first erotic spanking/whipping/flogging. If they pass all your tests for playing, tell us how you would go about setting up this scene with them and what sorts of things would you do to them, including such things as location, atomsphere, mood settings (music, etc), clothing, etc.,. Also, what sorts of things you would say to them regarding their fears about being spanked/whipped/flogged. What sorts of safeguards would you put into place? Is one session enough, or would multiple sessions be in order?

PBW

a great question PBW. I will sit back a bit and see if any other Dom/mes will sink their teeth in it, and I will think about it.

I very seldom indulge new subs in their fantasies when I first meet them. It is part of their training for Me to frustrate them.

Ebony

 

[cellis]

Re: Re: Cellis

______________________


What suggestions Do you Dom/Mes or even Subs have that are in LDR / Online only for now...for Submissives to do that will make the experience seem "MORE REAL/" after the skin to skin ,it was AWESOME ,, no problems submitting at all to Himin R/L ,,You can ask Master,He will tell you it is the TRUTH .. however it is HARDER to FEEL the Control,from online only ... if this sounds dumb or idiotic ,please dont respond ,I can take my question elsewhere ,like to Miss T or MsWorthy...

This is why I don't bother....

You immediately discount anything that anyone says that is contrary to what you want to hear....

Long distance... skin to skin.... it is the same thing.... Himself can make it real for me by the sound of His voice...

And don't assume you know everything about people's lives, dream... you have no idea of my relationship with Himself other than what I choose to share here.... there are elements that I never share...

Suffice it to say... your/my relationship is as real as I want it to be... whether He is in my bed or across town or in another state....

 

[P. B. Walker]

Re: Re: Breaking a Sub in

a great question PBW. I will sit back a bit and see if any other Dom/mes will sink their teeth in it, and I will think about it.

I very seldom indulge new subs in their fantasies when I first meet them. It is part of their training for Me to frustrate them.

Ebony

Mmmm one of the secrets of the masters... sexual frustrations and never quite letting them reach satisfacation... it keeps them coming back for more and more and more... LOL. Now I get it. <winks>.

PBW

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: PBW..

I'd just like to say that I think that is excellent advice.. esp the WHY part.. Master KNOWS my intentions are NOT to 'manipulate '

Ah, Dream that is where Your Master and I vary a great deal.

I do not give a rat's ass about intentions. Intentions are not measurable from a behavioural standpoint.

I care about my submissives behaviour. I mold their behaviour and the affective behaviour follows it over time. In other words, their service becomes a habit, and second nature to them.

I leave the mindreading to others.

Ebony

{PBW edited out}

 

[cellis]

These are only a few of the warning signs/signals I look for.


I always ask a potential sub what he wants.

If he answers "I just want to serve you", then I remind him that he does not know Me so how can he serve Me? I ask for specifics, as in his fantasies. There is nothing wrong with a sub telling you his fantasies. It gives you insight into his kink.

I then ask how will you serve Me?

If he answers, I will do anything you want Mistress.

It throws up a red flag.

I want a submissive to answer the question not hedge it. He does not want to risk telling me something I do not want to hear, then in my mind he is a "do me" sub.

"Anything you say, Ma'am/Mistress", is not what I want to hear.

Ebony

So here is another... ever in the quest... I was recently talking with a new person in email and I explained our situation... Himself and me... and the Domme thing and asked about submitting to a woman.... you know if that would be a problem... because if is then I just don't to waste anyones time...

Soooo ok... she says that might be interesting and did not think it would be a problem... what would I have her do... well that kinda took me back.... I never had anyone ask me that question... well I described a little senario... not really sexual in nature... this little feet washing thing... and she said that while feet were not really her thing.... she would obey... now I took this as a positive sign...

So is it too much to ask someone these things when you are just getting to know them?

 

[~Dream~]

Re: Re: PBW..

Ah, Dream that is where Your Master and I vary a great deal.

I do not give a rat's ass about intentions. Intentions are not measurable from a behavioural standpoint.

I care about my submissives behaviour. I mold their behaviour and the affective behaviour follows it over time. In other words, their service becomes a habit, and second nature to them.

I leave the mindreading to others.

Ebony

{PBW edited out}

_____________________________________

YES YOU ARE INDEED DIFFERENT from my standpoint thank God for me , lol.. no disrespect intended ..however when you get to KNOW your submissive as well as Artful knows me you Know her mind as well as her heart... I really dont call it mind-reading at all ,I call it LOVE and TRUE caring for me and who I REALLY am ... He Molds my Behaviour as a 'gradual' process of my training ,,, dont happen overnite..JMHO ...and tyvm for yours Maam'.
My service to Himwas AUTOMATIC from the 1st time we met skin to skin ,he was very surprised... pleasingly I may add ,however It is harder for ME back online cause I'M NOT there to take care of the simple daily things like I'm used to,and I just miss it ,thats all
since you are NOT in my shoes tho,I truly DONT expect for you to UNDERSTAND that FEELING...

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Cellis

______________________
I really have NO idea why you would automatically THINK that your opinions would PISS me off Cellis,,but they Didnt ,ty for the imput ,I have been known in the past to react quite defensively ,agreed, however I suggest to some that my attitde has indeed grown humbler,and after coming CLOSE to LOSING my realationship,it has truly "opened my eyes", I think I need to "rephrase my question"

What suggestions Do you Dom/Mes or even Subs have that are in LDR / Online only for now...for Submissives to do that will make the experience seem "MORE REAL/" after the skin to skin ,it was AWESOME ,, no problems submitting at all to Himin R/L ,,You can ask Master,He will tell you it is the TRUTH .. however it is HARDER to FEEL the Control,from online only ... if this sounds dumb or idiotic ,please dont respond ,I can take my question elsewhere ,like to Miss T or MsWorthy...

Dream. I am in a LDR. Proud is lives 3000 miles away from Me. He obedience is not a problem. He has decided to serve Me, and he has been given direction by Me as to what is acceptable and what is not. He communicates his questions to Me and only to Me. W/we discuss issues that concern U/us privately. No outsiders are allowed.

So, I am at a loss as to what you expect others (on the parameters) of your relationship to tell you?

Ebony

 

[Ebonyfire]

Not meaning to step in here... but my opinion: You always have the right to say NO. Remember that. Also, I do not think a Dom/me would ask you to change your body in a way that you were not receptive to. Especially if the change is a hard limit. For example, if you are very anti-piercing, you meering have to say that peircing is a hard limit for you. You shouldn't be questioned about it again. If it is a soft limit, then they may ask you about it once or twice, in hopes that you've changed your mind, but if you have not, then just say No.

Just my two cents

PBW

And a good 2 cents it is!, thanks PBW.

 

[~Dream~]

Re: Re: Re: Cellis

Dream. I am in a LDR. Proud is lives 3000 miles away from Me. He obedience is not a problem. He has decided to serve Me, and he has been given direction by Me as to what is acceptable and what is not. He communicates his questions to Me and only to Me. W/we discuss issues that concern U/us privately. No outsiders are allowed.

So, I am at a loss as to what you expect others (on the parameters) of your relationship to tell you?

Ebony

_________________________
Since You are at a loss , I will withdraw the Question..*Sigh* it is not as EASY for all to just simply obey as all have NOT been in the same circumstances and TRUST DOES take TIME..