Ask a Dom

[LadyAria]

Why do some people like being dominated by someone who's physically weaker than them? Doesn't it make more sense to submit to someone who you couldn't escape if you tried?
Is the sub/dom relationship always sexual, or is it more simply about power? And if it's more about power, why do so many subs refuse to submit to someone of the same sex?
And could someone please explain the psychology behind enjoyment of humiliation to me?

I, first, would like to say I like what both heckle and Gregor2001us. I especially like a submissive answering these questions as each experience is quite unique.

That is the beauty of the lifestyle. It is forever evolving and we can learn so much from each other when we open ourselves to sharing our experiences and not taking opinions as absolute truths.

I will try to share my insight without repeating what has already been stated:

Why do some people like being dominated by someone who's physically weaker than them?

To some people, the physical threat of a person's presence is important to the experience like in some forms of fear play. Others as you question, do not require as much. The mental strength and other attributes take precendence in their choice of Dominate. The best Dom/Dommes I have met are psychological masters who were creatively ingenious in their training. Their subs flourish in their knowledgable hands and their skill had little to do with physical size. Again, it is all taste. Why do some people prefer redheads to blondes? Because they do...

Doesn't it make more sense to submit to someone who you couldn't escape if you tried?

I really think Heckle and Gregor answered this well. See my comments to first question. Submission is a choice. They choice to release control for the mutual pleasure of the Dom/sub relationship. "Making sense" minimizes other sub's choices. It is about preference. To some, size does not matter. (No pun intended)

Is the sub/dom relationship always sexual, or is it more simply about power?

It is about the power exchange. I, personally, have had relationships that were sexual and ones that were not. They were both very satisfying. I do not have to have sex to have a mind blowing orgasimic adreline rush one shares with a conseiussor of purity through pain. Nor is sex required to feel the estatic pride and emotions that swells your heart and chokes your throat when your sub holds perfection in form and function in the presence of other Dominates and visitors after months of rigiorious training for his/her coming out.

And if it's more about power, why do so many subs refuse to submit to someone of the same sex?

Again, preference. I have subs of both sexs. I geniunely have no preference in the sex of the sub. It is of no consequence. I have many friends in the lifestyle with same sex relationships who are straight. I will let someone who feels strongly about this address your question with thier opinion If you feel strongly on opposite sex Dom/sub relationship, please respond to this

And could someone please explain the psychology behind enjoyment of humiliation to me?

Oh, this question fills me with longing. I find humiliation absolutely erotic. Again, I say preference. I'm not a psychologist. You want a psychologist's view: A look inside S&M. Psychology Today. Nov-Dec 1995
Personally, I think he is naive, but you asked for psychology...

 

[LadyAria]

Hello Lady Aria,
This is quite a thread. Good questions with good answers. Unless I missed it along the way there is one subject I wanted to mention.
Whether your a Master/Mistress/ Dom/ Domme/submissive or slave we are all indidviduals. So each relationship is an indidvidual. What works for one may not work for another.
I like your answers because they leave an open end. Meaning? Your not saying this is the only way. That unfortuantly is heard from many so called experts. Every relationship should constantly evolve. As you stated I believe, we never stop learning. When you think you have, it's time to take a step back and think about life.
Enough of my interjecting into your thoughts. Keep up the good advice.

Thank you. I believe in free exchange. I offer my advice, but I love hearing other's input too.

 

[LadyAria]

Ditto.

Thank you. I've read your posts on other threads. As someone as pure in their submission, your positive feedback is most satisfying.

 

[LadyAria]

I do not think so. If LadyAria has a problem with others helping to share knowledge, I am sure that she will speak up. And if she does, I will respect that.

Apologies. It seems that Lady Aria has already spoken on this.

Input invited and appericated .

 

[ChemistryNine]

Can you love it just as much ?

My name is Mike and I am with a wonderful, beautiful and dominant woman named Sarah. Actually she is not traditionally dominant nor am I traditionally submissive but our sex life does revolve around worshiping her and humiliating(not exactly the right word but close enough) me. It is an incredible sex life. It is the best sex I have ever experienced by 10,000 times. The reason it is so good for me has nothing really to do with the actual physical sex. My turn on is all mental ( well mostly ).

I am really curious to know if dominate women or dominate people in general can possibly enjoy the sex as much as the submissive. I cant imagine that they can but I would love to know.

I think part of my disbelief is that the things that turn me on so much are rather non-traditional. For instance I love to kneel in front of her ( both naked ) and masturbate in front of her while talking to her. I tell her how much I love her, howbeautiful she is, how grateful I am for her to let me touch her, ect....To me this is an incredible turn on. I mean incredible. So I am very curious to know if she could love it as much as me. Could a dominante woman love that experience as much as the submissive ? She tells me she does but I just dont know if that is possible. Wht do you think ? Can a domme love the experience as much as the sub ?

 

[gregor2001us]

Thank you for the kind words Lady Aria.

 

[LadyAria]

My name is Mike and I am with a wonderful, beautiful and dominant woman named Sarah. Actually she is not traditionally dominant nor am I traditionally submissive but our sex life does revolve around worshiping her and humiliating(not exactly the right word but close enough) me. It is an incredible sex life. It is the best sex I have ever experienced by 10,000 times. The reason it is so good for me has nothing really to do with the actual physical sex. My turn on is all mental ( well mostly ).

I am really curious to know if dominate women or dominate people in general can possibly enjoy the sex as much as the submissive. I cant imagine that they can but I would love to know.

I think part of my disbelief is that the things that turn me on so much are rather non-traditional. For instance I love to kneel in front of her ( both naked ) and masturbate in front of her while talking to her. I tell her how much I love her, howbeautiful she is, how grateful I am for her to let me touch her, ect....To me this is an incredible turn on. I mean incredible. So I am very curious to know if she could love it as much as me. Could a dominante woman love that experience as much as the submissive ? She tells me she does but I just dont know if that is possible. Wht do you think ? Can a domme love the experience as much as the sub ?

Mike, the first thing that came to my mind when I read your post was why are you not accepting Sarah's answer. Not to lecture, but trust is required for any successful relationship. But, this is not Dr. Aria...it is ask a Domme. So, let me address your questions.

Could a dominante woman love that experience as much as the submissive ? Yes, Dom(me)s generally do not endure acts they find objectable. There are some acts a Dom(me) will enjoy more. There are more acts a sub will enjoy more. It all balances in the end. Long story short, yes, a Dom can love the act as much as (if not more) then the sub. We just don't always let the sub know

She tells me she does but I just dont know if that is possible. Wht do you think ? Trust her.

Can a domme love the experience as much as the sub?Yes, quit being so insecure and enjoy the experience. Overanalyzing actions will create anxiety in anyone.

Now, go be a good sub and trust your Domme.

 

[LadyAria]

Thank you for the kind words Lady Aria.

Welcome, darling.

 

[ellediablo]

I've been getting a lot of email asking me about the lifestyle since I started posting. I thought I would start a thread to consolidate the questions to one area to cut down on my copy and pasting. Also, I invite others to provide feedback. So, you want to know about anything...from light BDSM to running a pony stable. If I don't know the answers, I'm sure someone will.

I am - all eyes - listening, ma'am.
Just tell me...
ALL of IT.

it is...tres interesting.

 

[kayte]

Good evening LadyAria ~ I saw the link in the post you placed on the "fuck" thread and I decided to follow it.

I do like the variety of input and the tone of your thread. It is extraordinarily refreshing. Thank you for starting it.

 

[LadyAria]

I am - all eyes - listening, ma'am.
Just tell me...
ALL of IT.

it is...tres interesting.

Well...what would you like to know?

Good to see you around again.

 

[LadyAria]

Good evening LadyAria ~ I saw the link in the post you placed on the "fuck" thread and I decided to follow it.

I do like the variety of input and the tone of your thread. It is extraordinarily refreshing. Thank you for starting it.

Thank you for stopping by...I enjoy new posts. My tone, hopefully, is like my life...open.

 

[Lenina]

I've been in a non-D/s relationship for that last three years. Upon finding Literotica.com I've decided to explore a light D/s relationship. I'd like it to be with the person that I'm with now. So last night I told him I'd like to try some new things in the relationship. I'd like him to be in full control of me. I'll serve him and do as he says fully. The only thing I want in return is to feel safe with him, yet diciplined and loved at all times.
He thought this was a strange request and didn't seem very comfortable taking on the role of my master.
My question is, is there a way I can slowly coax him into the role? Or should I not try to force him to attempt this lifestyle?
Thank you for reading this

 

[heckle]

Lenina- Have you ever watched the movie called Secretary? If not, try watching it with him. Or you could start slowly with things like asking him for a list of things he would like to have done. A key thing would be to take it slow. If you want this to last with the person your with now, be sure that you both communicate.

 

[cock whore]

Omg

Lenina- Have you ever watched the movie called Secretary? If not, try watching it with him. Or you could start slowly with things like asking him for a list of things he would like to have done. A key thing would be to take it slow. If you want this to last with the person your with now, be sure that you both communicate.

my all time favorite movie ... haven't even read the rest of the thread yet - lost track

thanks - and highly recommended

 

[LadyAria]

Lenina- Have you ever watched the movie called Secretary? If not, try watching it with him. Or you could start slowly with things like asking him for a list of things he would like to have done. A key thing would be to take it slow. If you want this to last with the person your with now, be sure that you both communicate.

Most excellent choice of movie time, Heckle. I dare say I'm beginning to be quite impressed with your taste.

 

[LadyAria]

I've been in a non-D/s relationship for that last three years. Upon finding Literotica.com I've decided to explore a light D/s relationship. I'd like it to be with the person that I'm with now. So last night I told him I'd like to try some new things in the relationship. I'd like him to be in full control of me. I'll serve him and do as he says fully. The only thing I want in return is to feel safe with him, yet diciplined and loved at all times.
He thought this was a strange request and didn't seem very comfortable taking on the role of my master.
My question is, is there a way I can slowly coax him into the role? Or should I not try to force him to attempt this lifestyle?
Thank you for reading this

Darling Lenina, I wish I knew your lover well enough to tell you the best way to bring out the inner Dom. However, while most vanilla has a fantasy or two, it can be quite against other's individual make. You need to consider his innate personality and his current taste in bed. Also,you need to consider how important this is to you and to what extent you desire it.

Never fear, I am not going to shrug off your question. I just wanted to state the obvious first. Also, I am giving a subtle suggestion below as your lover seems to not be quite comfortable with the straight forward approach. This will have to change. If you truely desire a D/s relationship, your Dom will need to be completely comfortable discussing everything with you. I will not pound communication in your head, but it is how we set our boundaries and know the limit to our thorny pleasures.

Would being the Dom be a stretch for him? If not, first begin asking him what he wants from you in bed in the form of "dirty talk". Then, as he gives direction, let him know how arousing his command is. Encourage his spoken desires with satisfying reward and passive attentions with a colder indifference. If this shows positive results, begin asking to try a little role playing and choose D/s orient light games. As he enjoys and grows more comfortable within these confines, increase the level of play. Ultimately, he should take led.

Also, I do suggest some reading to possibly share with your lover: The Loving Dominant by John Warren PhD. For you, I suggest The New Bottoming Book by Janet W. Hardy & Dossie Easton. Both of these are non-fiction books you will find informative.

 

[ThorkelGriersen]

Secretary

Most excellent choice of movie time, Heckle. I dare say I'm beginning to be quite impressed with your taste.

I once wrote a TV blurb for "Secretary:"--Thirty someting attorney seeking to get in touch with his dominate side hires twenty something secretary with 10-15 years hard core masocastic experience."

When a sub is 12 years old and wonders what it would feel like to have hot candle wax dripped on sensative parts, he can quickly find the answer. The poor 12 year old would be dom can hardly go to school and seek a volunteer.

Take it easy when introducing a vanilla person to the idea of dominance- esp. ideas about real pain. MOst people will realy pull back from such ideas. It is difficult for them to accept the idea that someone could acept intense pain.

 

[LadyAria]

Questionaire

I've mentioned this in other threads, so here it is:

 

[LadyAria]

*bump*

 

[seaturtle50]

Thanks LadyAria,

I really liked your questionaire. I have taken the liberty of formating it into an excel file. This may prove a bit easier to use. I also added a few items.

Anyone can feel free to pm me if you would like a copy as unfortunately Lit does not allow the uploading of an excel file (please let me know if there is a way to accomplish this). Otherwise I guess you will need to send me your regular email address to get the file.

Also, if you notice that anyone of your "favorites" are missing from the list. I will be happy to update it and re-post the newer more complete version!

You will find that the list will scroll when used on the computer, keeping the instructions in plain view, and I think that will make it easy to fill out.

Please let me know about any suggestions/adds.

Have Fun!

Seaturtle50

 

[Joe Schmoe]

Why do some people like being dominated by someone who's physically weaker than them?

To some people, the physical threat of a person's presence is important to the experience like in some forms of fear play. Others as you question, do not require as much. The mental strength and other attributes take precendence in their choice of Dominate. The best Dom/Dommes I have met are psychological masters who were creatively ingenious in their training. Their subs flourish in their knowledgable hands and their skill had little to do with physical size. Again, it is all taste. Why do some people prefer redheads to blondes? Because they do...

I would like to add to this. My experience has found that those that desire physical domination tend to be 'bedroom' submissives. The taking, the claiming and use of their body more than their mind. What does happen in their mind is the removal of guilt that they are doing something that is not 'acceptable' since they were 'forced'. This is not to imply one is superior to the other but that there are different forms of dominance and submission.

Is the sub/dom relationship always sexual, or is it more simply about power?

It is about the power exchange. I, personally, have had relationships that were sexual and ones that were not. They were both very satisfying. I do not have to have sex to have a mind blowing orgasimic adreline rush one shares with a conseiussor of purity through pain. Nor is sex required to feel the estatic pride and emotions that swells your heart and chokes your throat when your sub holds perfection in form and function in the presence of other Dominates and visitors after months of rigiorious training for his/her coming out.

Absolutely and so eloquently said.

And if it's more about power, why do so many subs refuse to submit to someone of the same sex?

Again, preference. I have subs of both sexs. I geniunely have no preference in the sex of the sub. It is of no consequence. I have many friends in the lifestyle with same sex relationships who are straight. I will let someone who feels strongly about this address your question with thier opinionIf you feel strongly on opposite sex Dom/sub relationship, please respond to this

Just my thoughts. Though it is primarily not about sex per se it can still trigger a sexual/erotic resonse by it's nature. If you are drawn to the opposite sex it would make sense that it is the opposite sex you would be drawn to submit to.

And could someone please explain the psychology behind enjoyment of humiliation to me?

Oh, this question fills me with longing. I find humiliation absolutely erotic. Again, I say preference. I'm not a psychologist. You want a psychologist's view: A look inside S&M. Psychology Today. Nov-Dec 1995
Personally, I think he is naive, but you asked for psychology...

I am not a psychologist nor have I had any education in it so this is just theory from my experience in the use of humiliation.

Humiliation can do many things for a submissive.

It can open them up to their very core, which creates vulnerabilty in them. Because they are vulnerable they are at the mercy of the one that instigated it. To find out that they are still protected from harm while in such a state brings a tempering of the bond between the two.

It can strip a sub of some aspects that may hinder their submission, ranging from ingrained resistance, haughtiness, trepidation etc. Freed from the shackles of these hinderances they can sink deeper into their submission and come to a better acceptance and embracing of it, allowing them to begin overcoming these hinderances more easily by themselves.

Another aspect is that it can reduce a sub to a more carnal based creature. All expectations, stigmas and declarations by society and other outside influences are peeled away leaving them at the very heart of their sexuality. Raw, untainted and free now to surface.

Now my theories may be just psycho-babble hogwash but from discussions with the sub after a session they have tried to explain this to me, though admittedly difficult to put in words at times by them. I am sure that the reasons are as plentiful and varied as there are participants.

.......

I like this thread and think you have done a marvelous job and have lived up to one of our responsibilites as a dominant to the community LadyAria. I applaud you.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

I like this thread and think you have done a marvelous job and have lived up to one of our responsibilites as a dominant to the community LadyAria. I applaud you.

Indeed Ma'am thank you

 

[catalina_francisco]

I would like to add to this. My experience has found that those that desire physical domination tend to be 'bedroom' submissives. The taking, the claiming and use of their body more than their mind. What does happen in their mind is the removal of guilt that they are doing something that is not 'acceptable' since they were 'forced'. This is not to imply one is superior to the other but that there are different forms of dominance and submission.

Not sure I can agree with this as it is fairly subjective, and inaccurate IME. I live 24/7 in a TPE Master/slave relationship which includes both the physical and mental domination in and out of the bedroom. His being a sadist, and I a masochist, leaves room for much variety in all forms of domination, sometimes separate, sometimes mental and physical combined. I think there is a misguided notion which harks back to old psychology (especially in the case of females) which tags a submissive who desires physical domination with a need to excuse their sexual desires and remove responsibility from them.

LOL, I have no guilt over what I do, not because I am 'forced' because reality is as a vanilla I did many of the things I do now and of my own free will (often with me as the instigator), and when I went seeking this relationship I stated clearly what I was looking for and needing sexually and otherwise, which would not often be the case if I were needing to provide an out for my guilt by finding someone who just happened to force me to do what I secretly desired but felt shame over. I was quite sure what I wanted, and was not apologetic about admitting it. I have met others who feel the same and are far from the shrinking violet subs are often wrongly told they should be by nature. True, there are various forms of D/s, but I do not think it is as easy as segregating physically dominated subs into the bedroom variety with guilt complexes....some of us just like a little physical power and pain simply because it feels so good...and often nowhere near a bedroom.

Catalina

 

[Quint]

I agree with cat on this one. No guilt in me, but damned if I don't love being strong-armed into submission. I have an easier time with a petite woman over me than a man who does not physically intimidate me, but I don't think that guilt enters the picture at all. Just my concept of physical attraction.

As for the question of power vs sex vs sexual preference, while I will happily submit to a dominant person of either gender, T has made it clear he has no interest in dominating a male. The way he explained it is that when he dominates me (or another female that he wishes to control), he wants to make me mess up, wants to see me fail and then wreak due havoc. When he is watching men in adverse conditions (PC description of sadism if ever I heard one!), he wants them to succeed and become better people than they were. Control, but with a completely different motive. I think it does come down to the sexualization of it, though; he finds humiliation and fear arousing, he doesn't find men arousing, so the two together are like peanut butter and pickles. I thought this was a pretty neat perspective, because I too was curious if he could get a clinical woody from bullying another male. As far as I can tell, he would much rather have two dominant male minds at work on a female than dominate a male and a female. *shrug*

"Clinical Woody" would make a great punk band name.