As a sub, how do you express your desires?

[MellowTone]

Hey guys. Check out my brief intro on the sticky post for new kids

So my partner and I are sort of defining some parameters/guidelines for our newly elevated level of D/s. Sometimes I have ideas or desires that I want him to know about, but I feel like it's unbecoming of a sub to speak up and say "I want this," unless she's asked. How do you handle this? Here's an example: If I am told to do something, and I do it right away and well, I REALLY like to be told "good girl," or "that's it," something like that. I don't get the same pleasure from non-verbal appreciation. I KNOW my partner would think its totally hot that I want that, and it will turn him on to do it, but what's the right way for me to ask?

(To sate your curiosity, I handled this by simply telling him exactly what I wrote above. I just wonder if there is a better way. I feel like it's too much power for me to have to just make requests like that.)

 

[kiwi_submissive]

Most people find it impossible to run a full time BDSM relationship. There will be vanilla times (especially once the excitement of a new BDSM relationship has worn off) where it's a good idea to talk without the BDSM side of the relationship and what each partner wants and where you want the relationship go otherwise one side can start to feel resentment.

In one relationship we had a time set aside each week where we could discuss things properly and in another relationship I had great fun saying exactly what I wanted and not knowing if it would happen or not. Funnily enough he actually appreciated that because he got ideas for other scenes from it.

 

[Beck31]

Kiwi is correct. I'm not a 24/7 puppy. There are times when one has to switch to vanilla mode.
But in answering the question it is best to discuss your desires with your master or mistress but remember to be respectful.

 

[jason28053]

You could also simply say "may I ask question sir?" or "may I have permisson to speak?" also what kiwi says makes sense too

 

[MellowTone]

Thank you

All of that makes perfect sense. Thank you for your swift replies!

 

[CutieMouse]

Communication is neither a dominant (top) or submissive (bottom) act; it's simply communication.

Question - what exactly is "unbecoming" about letting someone know you operate better when positive reinforcement is part of the package?

 

[MellowTone]

Well, the moment when I realized I needed this was during. . . "playtime." in that context, me asking for something just doesn't feel right. Not saying it ISN'T right, just that it isn't what I prefer. I would have felt I was breaking character to speak up.

 

[KoPilot]

I would have felt I was breaking character to speak up.

This rubs me the wrong way but I can't figure out why.

 

[CutieMouse]

This rubs me the wrong way but I can't figure out why.

Possibly because for some people (even those not in "24/7" situations), dominance & submission isn't a "character". This belief that speaking up "breaks character" also subtly perpetuates the mythology that sumisssives aren't being true to the "spirit" of submission if they stand up for themselves, set boundaries, communicate clearly [bluntly]. It creates an environment in which submissives speaking their own personal truth/expressing wants and/or needs can be [incorrectly] classified as "topping from the bottom"... which it isn't.

OP, yes the timing of a conversation can be a delicate thing to sort out; however, (IMO) there's nothing wrong with expressing a genuine need - even in the moment. Of course, I'd suggest taking that advice with a grain of salt, as it's coming from me... I'm not exactly known for my tact.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Well, the moment when I realized I needed this was during. . . "playtime." in that context, me asking for something just doesn't feel right. Not saying it ISN'T right, just that it isn't what I prefer. I would have felt I was breaking character to speak up.

That good ol' Gorean third person speech can sometimes work in these moments;
"Oh! Oh, sir, please, please would you ___ your slave?"

(If you didn't already know, Gor is a ridiculously over the top series of novels that spawned a protocol-heavy D/s style.)

 

[desertslave]

Communication is neither a dominant (top) or submissive (bottom) act; it's simply communication.

Question - what exactly is "unbecoming" about letting someone know you operate better when positive reinforcement is part of the package?

I agree, with both parts. Communication is vital to any successful relationship (LOL that's the 2nd time I've typed something like that this afternoon). If it needs to be framed in a way the PYL wants, then ask for that information just for starters. Once you have your protocol in place, ask away.

With us, I just plain ask. We're 24/7 but pretty relaxed since we're an old married couple too.

Of course, once in a while I'll start with "Sweetie, Darling, Master, Sir" just to make him laugh.

 

[KoPilot]

Possibly because for some people (even those not in "24/7" situations), dominance & submission isn't a "character". This belief that speaking up "breaks character" also subtly perpetuates the mythology that sumisssives aren't being true to the "spirit" of submission if they stand up for themselves, set boundaries, communicate clearly [bluntly]. It creates an environment in which submissives speaking their own personal truth/expressing wants and/or needs can be [incorrectly] classified as "topping from the bottom"... which it isn't.

There you go.

I guess the idea of being a character (read: caricature of yourself) every time you do D/s bothers me. That means you're actively denying other aspects of yourself in a more or less conscious and superficial way, rather than it being a natural expression.

 

[Noor]

I think its a good question and something that was quite confusing to me when I was exploring it. Stuff happens, things come up and you need to talk about. In my experience I thought I had partner who was concerned, we talked about it and then played, it seemed a bit different but okay, but that was the last time... no explanation, no nothing.

Kind of sad because I was really starting to get into it.

 

[samanthaswitch]

Communication is everything in any relationship and that goes triple for bdsm. The suggestions above or good I would simply add that bringing it up properly shouldn't break character. "Sir I like it when you" "thank you Sir for" use positive reinforcement of you're own. I'm of the opinion a good dom wants the relationship to be fufilling for both sides (after all unhappy subs are not likely to remain subs for long). Also what about after things are done? If even then its uncomfortable maybe write it down.

 

[missgiter]

Communication is key... I'd use the non bdsm times during the relationship to express things that you wanted/desired from the relationship.

Or, you can just ask permission to tell them what you'd like.. or perhaps writing it would feel easier to you? Maybe an e-mail or a letter?

 

[rexhame317]

I have sent Sir an email after a session, or with newly discovered desires. He likes the feedback/ideas because then he knows what will please me, and that i will in turn please him more

 

[silo_x2]

Communication is key... I'd use the non bdsm times during the relationship to express things that you wanted/desired from the relationship.

Or, you can just ask permission to tell them what you'd like.. or perhaps writing it would feel easier to you? Maybe an e-mail or a letter?

I agree with missgiter on this, without the communication you won't accomplish anything. My favorite part of BDSM is intense sensory stimulation in conjunction with asking what she wants next then as the dominant, take whatever you are doing to a higher level than usual to maintain the dominance.