Areas for growth

[redelicious]

I am sure at some point the topic of this thread has been discussed before, but our needs change as we do, so I hope we can talk about it again. This is open to both subs and Dom/mes alike. What are areas you want/need to develop a bit deeper?

I'll start. Something Anelize mentioned on the humiliation/degredation thread caught my eye:

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=203983

...However, I have expended a great deal of time, and effort dealing with the vagaries and whims of my ego, and work daily on staying out of myself, and remaining focused on others, rather than me. It's not the easiest work in the world, but I'd rather work at that, than spend time being degraded...

My first thought after reading that was "how?" This was followed soon after by "why?" If I look back, there has always been a point in my submission where something inside of me screams and prevents me from going as far as I could. Ego? Fear of losing control? Self-preservation? I honestly don't know how to completely leave myself, nor am I really sure that's a skill I really want - the ramifications being what they are. I do know that I have grown as much as I can at this point if I don't address it. It's not really a big deal, considering my current situation, but it is in the back of my head as I read and process the information I see here.

OK, it's someone else's turn to share.

 

[BrightFlower]

Trust is something I need to work on. He will bring up something new and I am immediately wary. He sees the look on my face (he knows it well, sad to say), he cocks his head in amusement and says, "You trust me, don't you?" It's more of a statement than a question as he know's he's right. I DO trust him, but I just want to get to the place where the first response I have to something new is openness and eagerness rather than going into an instant defense mode.

 

[sloan]

Areas for Growth....

Jealousy is an area that is large for me. Im not vocal or overtly jealous, but I feel ice in my gut when it happens. You are SURE that she is yours, you feel it and there is no mistake about that....till she talks of or sees another!
At the beginning of a relationship, especially, my insecurity is out there like a raw, exposed ,aching nerve. Until I am reassured again and again, it goes thru me like knife..... and there is no reason, other than I wear my Heart on my sleeve

..........

 

[Netzach]

Guess what....

the vast majority of human beings, faced with a new behavior, or a situation outside of their comfort zones and familiarity *are* going to react defensively. No matter how "right" or "wrong" you might decide that is.

I remember once saying to M "you trust me don't you?" that standard line of emotional blackmail that every Dominant employs eventually. I've since turned my back on it because of what he said, respectfully and reasonably, and in a way I couldn't possibly argue with:

'Yes, and there's trust but there's also limits."

Eventually, ironically, he *did* warm up to the idea. Because I presented it, didn't push it, and just left it out there, to be chewed on. Eventually a good submissive wants to challenge himself, and I'm more apt to wait for that opportune moment, having learned from him.

 

[Pure]

N reporting M: /'Yes, and there's trust but there's also limits."/

Reminds me of Russian saying that Reagan popularized:

Trust, but verify.

 

[BrightFlower]

'Yes, and there's trust but there's also limits."

I think this goes without saying. I also think most subs have IDEAS of what their limits are, but if in the right place, with the right person, you never know what can happen. And I would never call it emotional blackmail. Unless, of course, you like to play that game.

 

[Netzach]

well, I'm being crass and kind of joking about it, but I do see it that way at least on some level, sorry.

To me there was something very manipulative and heavy handed about the implication that "if you really trust me you shouldn't have an issue or a problem with this"

It didn't strike me that way until I realized that I was saying this kind of thing with this very kind of subtext, maybe other people don't mean it that way, but I don't see how it can be said completely devoid of that idea.

When trust is there, you know it, you don't have to ask for it.

 

[dragonlace]

My biggest problem to date is fear......not fear of things being done to me so much as fear of rejection and fear of abandonment. I have been hurt badly in the past and there is a peice of my brain that thinks what if it happens again. I know Master loves me and i love Him but sometimes that old fear jumps in and chills me to the bone and makes me shake. I trust Him no question but then there is that fear that makes me doubt myself and anything good as if to say isn't it too good to be true. I am working very hard on losing that fear and self doubt. It only serves to make me weak and doesn't allow me to be all i can be for myself and for Him. Its a tough thing to deal with sometimes but with His help and my own strength i am overcoming it slowly but surely.

 

[s'lara]

When trust is there, you know it, you don't have to ask for it.

Pretty much. It (trust) should also be given willingly and without coercion. i'd much rather accept the blindfold because i trusted the hands tying it across my eyes than to guiltily allow the blindfold because i felt i was lax or remiss in my showing of trust.

lara

 

[redelicious]

I just want to thank everyone who has posted for their honesty. It's also interesting to see how some of our stumbling blocks are related (trust, fear, not being able to let go).

Ok, I'll be quiet now so others can talk.

 

[niteshade]

I really think I would like to just be able to figure myself out. I sometimes seem to yearn towards submission, and crave the feeling it gives... but other times, I absolutely reject the idea of doing a single thing just because someone else wants me to. I seem to have these two slightly different people inside me.

One is submissive, and wants to be told what to do, what to give. Sometimes, that person rules, and I am filled with desires that never seem to be fulfilled.

The other is completely independent, assertive, and gurgles with laughter at the idea of someone giving her instruction of any kind. It is as if my moods change with the wind.

The other thing that I would like is to stop my automatic, knee jerk reaction of saying no to certain suggested activities. A part of me is interested in trying things, and knows that there comes a point when "painful" activities are not in the least painful, but I still spew out an immediate "NO" when faced with the possibility of trying something like, say, a spanking.

I am not sure how much sense any of that made, but I gave it my best shot.

 

[sloan]

Trust..........

Originally posted by Netzach
When trust is there, you know it, you don't have to ask for it.
No, I wont.
The pleasure I feel is obtained from "the consent of the Governed" and if I break that agreement, we are solo again. Kaput. Back to square one. The power comes from the bottom up, just like a good Democracy.
I am so wanting to not do that for selfish reasons. If I were self-centered, I would do only what I pleased, a sociopath. Not a good basis for love to grow.

 

[FungiUg]

[...]Eventually, ironically, he *did* warm up to the idea. Because I presented it, didn't push it, and just left it out there, to be chewed on.[...]

That's the same sort of approach I took with my lover -- and I know she appreciated not feeling pressured by me. Had I pushed her into it, she would have dug in her heels and NOTHING would have happened!

 

[Quint]

Echo the "figuring myself out" thought. I fantasize, I want it, I get it and I freak out. I don't always know when it's good and when it's not and I've been crying too much afterwards. Suddenly it feels very real and I feel very unprepared. All I can do at this point is talk through this confusion every time it occurs and work to figure out what's going on and how to make it better.

 

[deepstare]

For a dom, I could use a lesson in patience and tenderness. I had a relationship before I knew about my BDSM side but both of us had an unspoken relation of dom and sub. She was stubborn and headstrong and although I knew she wanted to be free of her uncontrollable whims I didn't have the patience to make her submit (again, this was before I knew about BDSM as I do now). If a sub begged for me to dominate her stubborness while she was calm and later acted like a selfish child screaming for a toy (my ex's case) I know I need to control her instead of throwing my hands in the air and calling her a hypocite.

I see this...phenomena I guess is the word in more than one place. Ever read a book or see a movie where someone says to a someone "pal, if I go crazy, you know what to do" ? Subs, at least in my understanding, are subject to emotional whims like this from time to time and need to be disciplined to prevent it from happening again. She places her trust in me to rid her of these ways...all I need to do is be patient and remember that submission is a process and not an event.

 

[redelicious]

Ty again to everyone who posted. I appreciate your willingness to share such personal information. I know that none of us are perfect Dom/mes and subs here, but it's nice to see that I am not the only one with issues to work on.

 

[FungiUg]

I know that none of us are perfect Dom/mes and subs here...

Oi!

 

[redelicious]

Oi!

Well, I suppose you're close.

So, no goals? No areas for improvement?

 

[DisGirlisNutz]

Re: Areas for Growth....

Jealousy is an area that is large for me. Im not vocal or overtly jealous, but I feel ice in my gut when it happens. You are SURE that she is yours, you feel it and there is no mistake about that....till she talks of or sees another!
At the beginning of a relationship, especially, my insecurity is out there like a raw, exposed ,aching nerve. Until I am reassured again and again, it goes thru me like knife..... and there is no reason, other than I wear my Heart on my sleeve

..........

With Trust there is no jelousy...........,IMO

DGN

 

[DisGirlisNutz]

This thread reminds me of a course I took a couple of weeks ago.
It is about separating feelings and empowerment.
They separated Fear, Sadness, Shame, Anger.
Taking this 30 hour course has changed my life dramaitcally.
It all stems back to how you were raised and what kind of person you were raised from.

Here is the site. Take a moment to check it out. Make a phone call if you wish.
www.pdcseminars.com

DGN

 

[DisGirlisNutz]

By the way GREAT THREAD!

 

[redelicious]

By the way GREAT THREAD!

Wow, Ty.

 

[FungiUg]

So, no goals? No areas for improvement?

I think areas for improvement are not so much personal as involving interaction -- so learning more about my lover, about our submissive, about how best to handle the interaction.

Goals... well... one springs to mind. A foursome with my lover and I, and two submissives. Being involved in a double penetration would be fun too!

 

[Princessintrng]

Areas for Improvment

I think the biggest area I need to improve is my ability to communicate better. Instead of using 10 words when 2 would have sufficed I use 2 words when 10 are needed....

 

[ghosst_K&H]

I need to stop smoking, one of my Dommes is very allergic to smoke, and the other simply hates it. I also may have jealousy issues to deal with too, I am serving two Dommes, and they made it clear I wouldn't be the only pet.

I shall quit smoking, and deal with the jealousy if it does rear it's ugly head