Are you child-free and happy that way?

[Biorgium]

I like kids just fine - as long as they belong to somebody else.

My wife & I were both really sure we didn't want to have children before we got married. I had a vasectomy done a few months after our wedding; nearly 5 years ago.

Still, we sometimes get odd remarks from some people about our decision. Starting from a condescending "Oh, you'll change your minds one day" to an unspoken but implied "why are you two so selfish and hateful towards children - are you weird or something?" We're pretty much too old to start a family anyway, but that doesn't stop others from offering their opinions to us.

Not everybody should be a parent, or have to be one just because of pressures from relatives or society. We're happy with our lifestyle and are extremely sure we made the right choice for us.

Any other child-free couples out there who plan to stay that way?

(Don't answer too fast - poll to follow)

 

[M's girl]

I voted for the third option.

But....

In a way I have children since somewhat over a year since I'm together with M who has two young children... and I love that! When I was younger (am 42 now) I always said I wanted children when I would be older. I started thinking that way when I was about 18 or so. And it was not because I thought it should be that way but that's what I saw around me, coming from a stable family and things being the same with all the aunts and uncles and so. Guess I was very lucky. So I figured I would get engaged at, say, 20, get married at 22 and have children by the time I would be 24 or so. Then I was 24 and had been engaged but not married (and that relationship had ended) and I had to adjust 'the schedule'... The timeframe moved up and it has been like that forever.

When I was 35 or so I realized that I had to think long and hard about children. I still thought I would want them one day but realized at the same time that 'one day' would have to start pretty soon because of my age.

There are so many reasons why I never got around to really wanting to have a child. For starters I had these migraines very frequently and I knew that I would never be there for 'the children' if one of those came up. But up till then, at 35, I had never been in a relationship where I thought the man would be the perfect father for my children. At 35 I was on my own (not in a relationship) and then I met my last former partner. Within 6 months (or maybe even earlier on already if I'm honest with myself) I knew, again, that he was not the one either. We stayed together for over 7 years...

But the main reason remained: I never felt that biological clock ticking, that everyone is talking about. I was (sort of) happy with the way things were. I needed time for myself and I was ALWAYS very aware of the impact that children (or even one child) would have on my life. You can't go back....

Sure people have asked me if I wanted children, but they have never really tried to convince me that I should or tell me I would be sorry one day if I did not. Everyone kept telling me that I would make a perfect mom, and I guess they were right. I just was NEVER ready.

But I interacted with children great. My younger sister has two children and I love them to death. They stay with me every once in a while and we have great fun. But I was always also very happy to return them to their mother after a week or weekend. I can so relate to your remark: "I like kids just fine - as long as they belong to somebody else".

Over a year ago I met M and I knew he had children from the start. I also knew I would be perfectly fine with it and would get great enjoyment out of them being with us every other weekend. Certainly after I met them, because they are great and cute and funny. For me, this is perfect. Nowadays sometimes I think: "maybe this was meant to be; maybe I have waited because of this..."

Because, as much as M's children and I love and care for each other... I am always glad they are sometimes NOT with us, so I have time for me and time for 'us'. When they reach the age of 12 (takes a few years still for the first one to get there) they can choose to live with their father (and hopefully me ) and I'm fully aware of that. If that's what they want I will welcome them with open arms.

M does not want to have children anymore (obviously besides the ones he already has). I know that he is a lot like me, in a way, and would not have had children maybe if it had been up to him alone. It's not like he's sorry he has them now, but I guess you know what I mean. Every now and then I wonder if I would have felt ready for it if I had met M earlier. I see how it could have been having children with him now of course because we are a family of four every other weekend, and sometimes during holidays. Still, I think my position would be the same in the end. Guess I'm just still not ready and I wonder if I would ever be.

In discussions I have had with others some have said to me they think it's very egoistic to not have children. I think it's an egoistic thing to have them too. And even more so if you have children when you are not ready for them.
I see way (way!!!) too many people who have children that are not responsible, consequent and loving enough towards them. At least I know that when children are with me (my sister's, M's) I am.

Maybe I'm too much of a prefectionist, but as long as I think having children is something that would conflict too much with my desire for freedom I should not have them. I think that is called having a sense of responsibility, not being egoistic.

I'm curious to think how others see this.

 

[Guest]

 

[silverwhisper]

i think that there's a small bias in society against those who don't have kids.

i don't have any myself but i will in the future.

ed

 

[Biorgium]

I see way (way!!!) too many people who have children that are not responsible, consequent and loving enough towards them.

Imagine what the world would be like if only those people who were really emotionally suited to being parents were able to have children. There'd be a lot less crime and unhappiness around I figure.

I'm not serious about this idea, but it does sometimes cross my mind: What if every boy had a reversible vasectomy at birth, with the proviso that it could not be reversed until a couple wanting a family passed some sort of basic psychological evaluation to ensure they'd not likely raise badly dysfunctional kids. Again, it's only a thought - not a serious proposal.

 

[SweetErika]

I'm always shocked because as soon as we got married, people (even my doctor) started asking about kids...like we got married because we were ready to start a family. Even at a Christmas party Friday, just about everyone my husband and I talked to asked if we were going that route, so I agree there's a ton of social pressure.

As it happens, we do want at least one (though maybe ONLY one, and people seem a little dismayed at that sometimes, too), but we're waiting until we're more financially and emotionally ready for that responsibility.

I've always thought people who don't want kids and take steps to ensure they don't have them are less selfish and more responsible than most in our society. Why people think couples who don't want kids should have them is beyond me.

 

[Eilan]

Still, we sometimes get odd remarks from some people about our decision.

Yeah, but there are people out there who will have something to say regardless of what you decide:

--If you have no children, they'll want to know why you hate kids or they'll assume you're infertile.
--If you have one child, they'll ask when you're going to have another because it's "not fair" to the child to grow up without siblings.
--If you have all girls, they'll ask when you're going to try for a boy.
--If you have more than, say, three children, they'll want to know why you can't control yourself.

I have four children, and I can't begin to tell you how annoying it is to go out as a family and have to put up with people saying, "Are they ALL yours?" or "Haven't you figured out what's causing that yet?"

My thoughts: The number of children that a couple chooses to have is the business of the couple. And only the couple. Period.

 

[Guest]

 

[Eilan]

My brother's fiancée did some babysitting this past summer. One of the families that she worked for had one child, a three-year-old boy. His mother was pretty adamant about NOT wanting children, but her husband finally talked her into it. He's a truck driver who's home only on the weekends, so he's not really around to raise this child that he HAD to have. Because he brings home a pretty good wage, his wife doesn't work. However, she has several babysitters that she uses Monday through Friday from 7:00 am to midnight. She has to keep a list of babysitters because she can't find anyone who's willing to keep the child 17 hours a day, five days a week. Not because the child isn't well-behaved, but because it's a huge time investment. Who knows what she's up to all day?

One evening when my kids and I were visiting, this little boy ran to the window every time a car went by, saying, "Is that my mommy?" His mom wasn't due to pick him up for at least six hours. I felt so sorry for him.

The sad part about this situation is that this woman didn't want kids and let herself get talked into it by her husband. And he probably wasn't the only one pressuring her to have kids, either.

 

[Guest]

 

[red111a]

I want children. Dont know when and who with but i want a family in the future.

 

[david_42]

My response to, "Why don't you have any children?" is, "I've been very, very careful."

Decided when I was 8 years old never to have any (I'm 3 of 6). Haven't seen any reason to change that position. I don't like them when other people have them either.

I have to agree that the number of children you have is your own business if: A. you pay all costs and B. keep them out of other people's space.

 

[revolution724]

I am a biological female with a uterus and everything. And I do not like children. I respect the idea of children, but I am not fond of them. They are loud, attention-domineering, and have no concept of personal space, and I'll stop there to avoid hurting the feelings of anyone who's crazier about them than me.

You would not believe the reactions, from horror to sheer disbelief to blaming it on my lack of siblings, that that simple statement can provoke.

Even so, it's not completely out of the question that I would have or adopt one with the right person and not rent them out 17 hours a day. But it would take some soul-searching and some huge ground rules.

 

[rosebud5446]

i'm only 20 and my clock is tickin like a mo-fo... i feel like i really want kids now, but i know that i really need to wait until my life is more stable... there is nothing i want more out of life than a loving husband and children, but i know it's not time for it and it bugs the hell out of me, i don't really like to party anymore, mentally i am ready to settle down, but financially, not 1 bit.

 

[M's girl]

I am a biological female with a uterus and everything. And I do not like children. I respect the idea of children, but I am not fond of them. They are loud, attention-domineering, and have no concept of personal space, and I'll stop there to avoid hurting the feelings of anyone who's crazier about them than me.

You would not believe the reactions, from horror to sheer disbelief to blaming it on my lack of siblings, that that simple statement can provoke.

Even so, it's not completely out of the question that I would have or adopt one with the right person and not rent them out 17 hours a day. But it would take some soul-searching and some huge ground rules.

Yes, they are all that (the words I've marked in your text). And you are one of the few ones I've ever heard admitting that. More of us just think like that, but don't ever say it. I can see the other side too though. Having M's children around me every other weekend made me appreciate a lot of things about them too. The funny remarks they make, their observation of the world, the questions they ask, the love I get from them... It's all wonderful. It's true that you get a lot too. Still, as long as there is that feeling that they are intruding and you're left with no time and space for yourself you are right not to want them. For me, this 'deal' with M's kids is perfect. Still would not want children of my own...

 

[silverwhisper]

i happen to agree w/ all of that, revolution. however, i find other things offset those, in balance. this is obviously a massive case of "your mileage may vary".

ed

 

[eudaemonia]

I decided at 16 that I never wanted children, finally had my tubes tied at 19. I'm 43 now and haven't a single regret.

I've been with men whose position on children was as intractable as mine (him for, me against) and yes, it does suck. But, it's better than being part of couple where one or the othe is in resentment mode.

If I marry someone with kids, GREAT! There's plenty of room in my life for kids, I just don't want to be parent.

 

[bibphi]

.....

 

[watergirl]

nope!

Don't want kids... never have.

I think I saw too many people get knocked up in high school & have their lives then revolve around kids and some craptastic relationship that both she & he might have otherwise outgrown.

I work in a k -12 school now, and there is no age group that makes me want a kid, not one bit.

I'm not even at a place in life I have time for a dog, which I would LOVE, let alone ever want kids... I'm 28 and hear the "you'll change your mind" less often than I used to. However, I don't volunteer my position about not wanting any like I used to when I was younger. It seems to challenge people to get me to see the error of my ways or something, and I don't want to be put on the defensive with them.

 

[EJFan]

i am absolutely positive, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that i do not want kids... EVER! anyone who thinks bill maher doesn't like kids hasn't met me yet... i detest them far more than he does.

the big shame here is that it's hard to find a woman who feels the same way... so i don't have too many long term relationships as a result.

self-serving ad:
any women who live in the mid-atlantic region who are not remotely interested in having children (and can tolerate a lifetime of substandard sex) drop me a line.

 

[cusprider]

I decided at 16 that I never wanted children, finally had my tubes tied at 19. I'm 43 now and haven't a single regret.

How did you find a Doctor to tie the tubes of a 19 year old?

 

[Eilan]

They are loud, attention-domineering, and have no concept of personal space

Yeah, kids are like that, but I know some adults who fit that description as well.

I'm of the opinion that obnoxious children tend to be the products of obnoxious parents.

I was amused by this:

Behave or Else

I certainly understand where this guy's coming from. Some of us parents know that not everyone is as fond of our children as we are.

 

[cusprider]

50 and No Kids

Did not have a woman willing and able to bear me a child. Its not like I made use of condoms either. Then later it turned out that the woman I married became infertile due to a series of problems leading to a hysterectomy. Since that happened my family stopped prodding us to pro-create. At this time in my life I have more or less become indifferent to our not having children. Though some times I imagine what if. Amazing to me is how many people I know who remain kid less. Two Thirds of them are Men. Off the top of my head I know of 10 and maybe several others. Those were in their 40s when last I knew of them but since have lost track so their status may have changed by now. Come to think of it. Kidless people must not be all that uncommon. No wonder the Social Pyrimid scheme we call Social Security is in so much trouble.

 

[Biorgium]

I decided at 16 that I never wanted children, finally had my tubes tied at 19.

How did you find a Doctor to tie the tubes of a 19 year old?

I was wondering that too. I tried to get a vasectomy at about that age and the doctor nearly laughed me out of his office. I didn't try again until over 20 years later.

 

[M's girl]

self-serving ad:
any women who live in the mid-atlantic region who are not remotely interested in having children (and can tolerate a lifetime of substandard sex) drop me a line.

Oh EJ..... *sigh*
How I wish I had known this earlier! I'm with M now but otherwise....
Especially the second part of what you have to offer drives me wild




oh......

Mid-Atlantic..... hmmmm guess it wasn't meant to be ...