Are/Would You Get Involved w/ Someone in a Relationship?

[SweetErika]

A few threads and recent discussions have got me thinking about this...Are you or would you get involved emotionally and/or sexually with someone who is currently in a relationship without their significant other's knowledge/consent?

Edit: Do you say no at a certain point (e.g. talking to someone online, cybersex/phonesex/some erotic exchange, friendship, certain sexual acts, actual sex, etc.)? Or is any type of involvement without their spouse's consent either acceptable or unacceptable?

For this question, let's assume you are either single or have your S.O.'s consent.

 

[LadyJeanne]

I have, years ago. I was in a dying relationship, as was he. I think we both turned to each other as an escape from our primary relationships which we knew were ending though none of us had yet fully admitted it to ourselves or to our SOs, though we all knew we were in trouble. For that time that we spent together, we didn't have to think about the unhappiness that awaited us at home, we found some goodness and peace in being together, and it somehow eased the pain of the unraveling relationships. Our primary relationships eventually ended, as did our physical one, but he and I are very close friends to this day.

I've also gotten very close emotionally to someone in a bad marriage. We never did anything physically, but because our jobs had us spending a lot of time together traveling, it was really easy to become close. We never did cross the line. He's still married even more unhappily, and he and I are still good friends, though we're not as close as we were when we worked together.

In neither case did any of us tell the SOs what was going on as the problems preceded our involvement and we had no intention or desire to hurt them.

 

[phoenix1224]

No.

I've always been of the mind set that, once a cheater, always a cheater... If you start out a relationship being the "other person", what's to say that you won't ALWAYS be the "other one"? And, if they actually DO leave their SO for you, what's to say that you won't be cheated on and eventually left too?

The only indicator of future behavior is PAST behavior.

Plus, I never thought that it would be cool to be having sex with a woman and have a pissed off husband/boyfriend bust into the room with a gun...

 

[Bandit58]

I have, a couple of times.......the first was a LDR (he was 5 hours drive away) and we met online. We saw each other a few times for a few days at a time, but he called it off after about a year and as far as I know he's still with his wife. He was good for me at the time though as I'd just come out of a long emotionally abusive marriage and was ready for some sexual exploration - he was my first blowjob and first anal experiences and he did make everything wonderful and I learned how to enjoy sex with another for the first time.

The second was a friend, he was married and I've known him since we were kids, it turned into a fuck friendship for a few months until I left the country to be with Gil - he is bi and his wife has no idea and he found he could talk to me as another bi person in our small conservative community. I have no regrets and she never knew. He'd come visit me every 2-3 weeks for an afternoon or evening, as I lived alone it was just nice to have the company

 

[phnxlair]

I've played both roles. A girl I worked with in the military had spent a week with me while hubby was out of town. He actually caught us and I did a jump from a second floor balcony after she convinced him it was rape. Good thing she also convinced him she had met me at a bar.

My wife cheated on me when she was 4 months pregnant with my child so I returned the favor. Funny part is, we were both happiest in our marriage when we were cheating. I had something on the side so I didn't care what she did and she was the same towards me.

For health reasons, we don't have sex anymore but at the same time, I haven't cheated on her simply because it gets too messy. The girls usually end up wanting a commitment I'm not willing to give. However, if there are any Seattle area ladies interested in a short or long term non-committed sexual fling, look me up.

 

[Lynxie]

I wouldn't. I couldn't live with the guilt of destroying a relationship (it's up to the people in the relationship to break it off, not third parties, imo). I'm also a fan of treating others as I'd like to be treated, and I'd never want to be in a relationship where my SO was cheating. So, if I knew a person had a SO, there's no way in heck I'd get involved with them.

 

[BerksMartin43]

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[pupper]

I could never do this,I am in a very comitted relationship of 16 years,I would never dream of doing this to my spouse,I have too much respect for my spouse and myself.

 

[SweetErika]

Very interesting...thanks for the responses thus far!

I wasn't clear in the original question, so I've added this, and would love to hear more opinions:

Do you say no at a certain point (e.g. talking to someone online, cybersex/phonesex/some erotic exchange, friendship, certain sexual acts, actual sex, etc.)? Or is any type of involvement without their spouse's consent either acceptable or unacceptable?

For this question, let's assume you are either single or have your S.O.'s consent.

 

[MasterSnatch]

Once upon a time I would say no way, that it was sick to even think of hitting on another woman who had a guy, I was totally opposed to the idea on every moral and ethic principal there was. Then over time I found myself doing what I claimed to hate and think was disrespectful, I can not say why I did it but it happened, each time I did the women involved certainly enjoyed it and wanted more as well.

Now I find the prospect of stealing away a woman, even a married one to be rather a turn on, it’s exciting. Overall if I thought I could do as such I probably would depending if I really wanted that person in my life or not.

If I was with someone though I would not cheat on them, not if they loved me and thought the best of me, I would never hurt them as such.

I got to admit its an odd perspective but there you go.

 

[EJFan]

i gotta jet so i'll have to come back to read some of the posts... i scanned them quickly and many looked very good.

in any case, real quickly, i have been in a relationship with two different women who were involved when we began a relationship. one was actually engaged. i didn't end it for them though. they would've gone down the tubes sooner or later with or without me.

it's almost never a good thing for anyone involved but i've done it and i think i've learned my lesson. more importantly, i know i wouldn't want it done to me so i have to respect that and not do it to others.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

I've cheated before while in a relationship.I dont feel bad about it or regret it. It was one of those things where the relationship was already pretty much dead by that point since there were so many problems and the guy was never around/willing to talk to me about any of it.

Since then, the few guys I've dated that I have told about his know that I wouldnt cheat just because. If it ever got to the point where I was cheating it would be because there was something seriously wrong with the relationship that they'd been ignoring despite my attempts to work on it.

I would not, however, knowingly get involved with someone that was already involved with someone else. That is something I refuse to do. If it turns out that the guy is involved with someone and I find out after the fact, I do end it immediately. I will not be the other woman knowingly.

 

[BerksMartin43]

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[Eilan]

Millions upon millions of couples are in relationships in this modern world still which are in name only and do not meet that simple requirement of meeting the needs so why not stray if it helps, why not have an affair if it helps, and why not leave and start again if that helps.

I'm inclined to believe that cheating tends to be a SYMPTOM of a larger problem in a relationship, rather than the problem itself (though there ARE always exceptions). But then, I'm also of the opinion that lack of sex in a relationship, particularly when the couple once had a healthy, happy sex life, is also indicative of a larger problem.

To answer SweetErika's original question. . .
Yes, I had sex with someone who was married--his wife didn't know. ONE time and ONE time only; there was absolutely NO interest in a relationship on either end (though I think that he wouldn't have minded having sex again). I didn't think it would bother me, but it did. I'll never do it again because I didn't feel comfortable contributing to the demise of an already-doomed marriage.

 

[Bandit58]

Very interesting...thanks for the responses thus far!

I wasn't clear in the original question, so I've added this, and would love to hear more opinions:

Do you say no at a certain point (e.g. talking to someone online, cybersex/phonesex/some erotic exchange, friendship, certain sexual acts, actual sex, etc.)? Or is any type of involvement without their spouse's consent either acceptable or unacceptable?

For this question, let's assume you are either single or have your S.O.'s consent.

I'm bi and have Gil's permission and encouragement to play with other women. Would I play with a married woman without her husband's knowledge? I leave that up to her - I don't want a "relationship" with a woman other than as a friend and sex partner. If she doesn't want to play sexually then fair enough I won't and haven't pushed the issue. I would rather everything be open and above board with everyone in the know.

For the record I don't want her man to be present which makes it difficult to find just women open to playing, we are not swingers and I don't want any other man watching unless I know him extremely well!

 

[always_smiling]

I'd probably feel pretty horrible for doing something like that.

 

[SweetErika]

Thank you, MS, EJ, W&U, BM, Eilan, Bandit, and A_S for the thoughts...great points and diverse opinions.

As much as I hate to admit it, I'm a fence-sitter on this one. 99% of the time, I wouldn't want be involved in any way (even cybering) with someone without their SO's consent because I don't want to be the "other woman", with a cheater, or have a negative effect on someone else. However, I can envision a few scenarios in which it wouldn't really bother me.

I'm bi and have Gil's permission and encouragement to play with other women. Would I play with a married woman without her husband's knowledge? I leave that up to her - I don't want a "relationship" with a woman other than as a friend and sex partner. If she doesn't want to play sexually then fair enough I won't and haven't pushed the issue. I would rather everything be open and above board with everyone in the know.

For the record I don't want her man to be present which makes it difficult to find just women open to playing, we are not swingers and I don't want any other man watching unless I know him extremely well!

I'm in the same situation, Bandit, but I do want a relationship with a woman. I just can't see how that could work without her spouse's consent, and don't want to put the energy into hiding something so potentially volatile. So I won't get involved with a woman looking for something behind her partner's back.

 

[YogiBare]

No, I wouldn't have any relationship with a woman that she kept secret from someone she was committed to. To me, it's all about the commitment. If someone is committed to someone else, that's it. If she's interested in me, then she's got to get out of the other relationship first. Otherwise, it's wrong and it's a mess.

 

[Bandit58]

<snip>
I'm in the same situation, Bandit, but I do want a relationship with a woman. I just can't see how that could work without her spouse's consent, and don't want to put the energy into hiding something so potentially volatile. So I won't get involved with a woman looking for something behind her partner's back.

The situation has come up once, the lady decided to concentrate on her relationship with her male partner so we didn't get to meet - pity cos she seemed very nice and a lot of fun.

As I said I do prefer everyone involved to be open and honest about things. However there is the other side of the coin, people whose sexual needs are not being met in their current relationship. I know Gil had several married ladies as play subs before he met me. Their husbands were not interested in BDSM at all and so they replied to his ad on a personals site. The ladies got their needs met and one even said to him that it enabled her to stay in her marriage, because that part of her life was being satisfied.

 

[SweetErika]

The situation has come up once, the lady decided to concentrate on her relationship with her male partner so we didn't get to meet - pity cos she seemed very nice and a lot of fun.

As I said I do prefer everyone involved to be open and honest about things. However there is the other side of the coin, people whose sexual needs are not being met in their current relationship. I know Gil had several married ladies as play subs before he met me. Their husbands were not interested in BDSM at all and so they replied to his ad on a personals site. The ladies got their needs met and one even said to him that it enabled her to stay in her marriage, because that part of her life was being satisfied.

Yep...knowing there'd be a high risk of her feeling bad about what we did or calling it off is a big deterrent for me.

You and Berks have brought up a good point about meeting needs and actually contributing to the success of a relationship. I think it is used as an excuse for not thinking all too often, and the valid situations are rare, but they do exist.

 

[Gil_T2]

A few threads and recent discussions have got me thinking about this...Are you or would you get involved emotionally and/or sexually with someone who is currently in a relationship without their significant other's knowledge/consent?

Edit: Do you say no at a certain point (e.g. talking to someone online, cybersex/phonesex/some erotic exchange, friendship, certain sexual acts, actual sex, etc.)? Or is any type of involvement without their spouse's consent either acceptable or unacceptable?

For this question, let's assume you are either single or have your S.O.'s consent.

When i was single I had a few married ladies & was told that if they didn't have their sex the way they needed it their relationships would have been over anyway.

 

[Gil_T2]

Yep...knowing there'd be a high risk of her feeling bad about what we did or calling it off is a big deterrent for me.

You and Berks have brought up a good point about meeting needs and actually contributing to the success of a relationship. I think it is used as an excuse for not thinking all too often, and the valid situations are rare, but they do exist.

Not one of my ladies ever felt guilty so that wasn't a concern.

 

[silverwhisper]

i wouldn't b/c i wouldn't want that kind of consent from my wife.

if i were single, i'd like to think that i'd avoid becoming involved w/ someone who's already involved, or worse, married. my needs do not come in second place to someon else's. i've been down that road, sent the postcards and bought the damned t-shirt once already. i have no desire to go there again.

that said, i might consider it for a truly exceptional individual, or if i was convinced the other relationship was going to be over. but b/c of my history, that would take a hell of a lot of convincing.

ed

 

[frisky]

Nope I couldn't do it if I knew they were in a relatioship, no matter how bad they think it is. Two simple reasons off the top of my head: 1. The element of trust, and 2. They don't have the confidence and/or communication to resolve the issue with their current partner, and I value these attributes very highly.

Then again, it's more of a gut feeling for me. Just doesn't feel right.

 

[BerksMartin43]

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