Are emotional affairs really "affairs"?

[ppete3]

Emotional "affairs" can certainly be detrimental to the health and longevity of a relationship, but I doubt the validity of placing it in the same category as physical affairs. The subjective nature that terms like "cheating" and "infidelity" have taken on in recent years has stripped those terms of much of their meaning to the point that now, cheating can refer to having a five year long covert relationship, talking to a coworker of your preferred gender, or even masturbating with a dildo. Essentially, we have weaponized the emotional weight and societal shame associated with infidelity and used it to condemn other actions that make us feel uncomfortable in a relationship.

Using terms like "affair" to describe widely varying relationship dynamics and problems flattens the complexity of human relationships, and it also complicates any attempt to resolve relationship issues. For example: Did she cheat on you, or did she start talking to the guy at the gym because you're emotionally distant and unwilling to work through your issues? Did he cheat on you, or did he start sexting with women online because he misses having a strong sexual connection with you but you're unwilling to take his concerns seriously?
Cheating is not an individual failing - it is indicative of a faulty relationship dynamic. Sometimes that means fundamental relationship incompatibility, but I'd wager that, most of the time, it means both people have not done enough to reach an acceptable compromise for both parties.

I'm interested in your thoughts.

 

[LostHorizon]

The best way I can think of to answer that question is if you are engaging in behavior that you can’t openly share with your SO than it is infidelity. Emotional cheating is still a form of betrayal. It’s that simple. Otherwise one partner wouldn’t be engaging in the behavior behind the other partner’s back.


All this other nonsense about blaming the other person for one’s bad decisions is just an attempt to rationalize what is essentially cheating. That doesn’t mean the other person in the relationship doesn’t bear some responsibility for the breakdown of the dynamic relationship, but it doesn’t justify betrayal.

 

[Uk_Gentleman]

I remember a scene from the old TV show called "Chuck" where someone was checking out another and they were accused (by their friend) as "mind cheating". So I would say anything that is hidden from your SO is a form of cheating/affairs

 

[ppete3]

The best way I can think of to answer that question is if you are engaging in behavior that you can’t openly share with your SO than it is infidelity. Emotional cheating is still a form of betrayal. It’s that simple. Otherwise one partner wouldn’t be engaging in the behavior behind the other partner’s back.


All this other nonsense about blaming the other person for one’s bad decisions is just an attempt to rationalize what is essentially cheating. That doesn’t mean the other person in the relationship doesn’t bear some responsibility for the breakdown of the dynamic relationship, but it doesn’t justify betrayal.

I never said that it's okay. I'm pushing back on the idea that "cheating" is an appropriate term to describe these types of behaviors. Words like "betrayal" and "cheating" imply that there was an agreement in the relationship and that one or both people broke that agreement. When you decide to be in a monogamous relationship with someone, by definition, you are making an explicit agreement that you will only sleep with your partner. How we jump from such a concrete agreement as sexual exclusivity to "emotional cheating"...that's my question. Both are betrayals of trust, I agree with you there, but one act is a blatant violation of the terms of the relationship whereas the other is much more nebulous.

 

[ppete3]

I remember a scene from the old TV show called "Chuck" where someone was checking out another and they were accused (by their friend) as "mind cheating". So I would say anything that is hidden from your SO is a form of cheating/affairs

Ahh, Chuck. I used to love that show.

It's exactly situations like this that prompt me to write this post. Let's say the scenario you gave was a real-life situation between you and a friend. Have you ever made an agreement to never check out another person while you're in a relationship? If your partner learns that you were checking out other people, would it be more helpful to the relationship for them to call you a cheater (as if you broke some sort of agreement) or to tell you how your actions made them feel?

In the second scenario, both partners can handle the situation with more grace, empathy, and understanding.

If you're just dating someone and you feel the need to hide things, maybe it's best to just end the relationship. Often, it's not that easy when you're married to someone.