Q
quickshadow
Guest
As you may have gathered, there’s a lot going on in my life right now. Note: when I say “life” I mean Real Life (RL) and Lit Life (LL). But what has been consuming my thoughts lately is the part of my life where RL & LL intersect.
Okay, here’s the deal.
It’s no secret that I’ve connected with a few people here on lit on a personal level. It’s no secret that a couple of people have captivated me in a way that transcend Lit and touch me in real life. And it’s no secret that I’ve had the pleasure of connecting with one of them intimately back in January. (And if you’ve been following my thread with more than a passing interest, you’re probably already aware that I was with Malerotica.)
What isn’t as obvious – and what came as quite a surprise to me – is that we have remained close, despite the distance separating us. I didn’t anticipate that this would happen.
You see, when we first connected, we were both married and planned on staying that way. Well, that hasn’t changed for him (and I would never want it to), but we all know it has changed for me. So, what started out as a perfect arrangement for two married people seeking to fill a void in their lives has grown… more complex.
Why complex? Because my situation changed and my marriage is ending. And when my marriage ends, I know that (when the time is right) I’ll open myself up to exploring and experiencing a new love in my life. And I know that the time for me to do that has not come.
Why am I waiting? Because I’m sure that who I am now is not who I will be once the dust settles. Well, at core, of course I’ll be the same. But right now my needs and my focus have to be on me. I have to put so much energy into sorting out our (me and my husband) lives, into making sure he has the care and support he needs from his family, into my career, and into me. While “me” should be highest priority, I’ve developed a pattern of putting “me” off until everything else is taken care of. But I’m realizing that there is no point in time when everything else will be “taken care of” and so I need to break that pattern. Until I do, I run the risk of losing myself again… that’s why I’m waiting.
But I don’t want to continue living without some intimacy in my life. So, for now… I’m happy with connecting with Mal. But what I’m not happy with is the weird dynamic with him that I’ve created here on the thread.
You see, he views this as my space and he is reluctant to intrude upon it, even though I’ve invited him here and encouraged him to post. When I asked him why, he explained that, given the connection we’ve established through Lit, it’s clear that Lit is an excellent way to find someone. And so he doesn’t want to ruin any chance of me connecting with someone else – someone who is a great match and can give me more than he is able to give.
Yet I still invited him to participate. Heck, if any of you are going to be smitten with me down the road in real life, you’ll already know all of this anyway, right? And besides that, I SUCK at keeping my own secrets – too much work and angst. (But I’m great at keeping others’ secrets, so dish!) Also, knowing me, if I fell for someone who wasn’t on Lit, I’d probably bring him here anyway. Besides, if he discovered this on his own, I’d have a lot of ‘splainin to do!
Anyway, Mal took up my invitation… twice. And I feel bad because both times, he ended up deleting his posts. The first time, he deleted it because he thought he had gone to far. The second time was because I had let him know I wasn’t comfortable with what he revealed in his post. Don’t get me wrong – I loved the post, it just revealed a bit more than I was comfortable with. Much like when I posted about my youthful theater hijinx (I LOVED that post, too and deleted it myself).
Now, normally, I wouldn't mention any of this, and it wouldn't be on anyone’s radar. But, since I mentioned the 2 PMs I got that icked me out (I’m now thinking they could have been from the same person, with different accounts. ) But I didn’t want anyone to associate his deleted posts with the St Paddy’s Day Ickiness (that is now the official thread term – the acronym is SPDI).
Anyway, I don’t know if he will post here again or not. I love seeing him here, but I think he has decided that it’s best for me, for him, and for any potential suitors (when the time comes) that he doesn’t.
So there you have it. A peek behind the curtain.
So why am I posting all of this? Duh! Have you read the thread? If you have, then you know that I sort through my feelings in writing. And – while I could easily have left this as the freeform, convoluted ramblings in my journal… I decided to share it because it’s an integral part of what I have made this thread – a record of my rediscovery. That being said – it seems it would be better for me to do that on my own blog or website, but that’s a conversation for another day.
xoxo
You are a WONDERFUL, woman. Sexy, sensuous and a true Texas sweetheart. As I am always told, if you focus on you and make sure you're happy first, then happiness will find you.
You and I have shared some things behind the scenes, and I want you to know, I consider you a friend; and the last thing I will do is ever leave a friend stranded. So, friend, my door is always open to you.
[/QUOTE]
