Anyone care to feedback my incest story?

[Ian Sinclair]

Hi,

I have written a few stories that have been posted, and my newest one is still listed under new submissions. (Driving lessons for Sexy mum-in-law)

I have never had any written feedback to my stuff and am paranoid that the reason is that it is rubbish! I would be extremely grateful if anyone of you fine people could take a minute and let me know what you think - I am quite thick skinned (yet, still have feelings!) so any advice would be just great.

Many thanks........

www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=76123

 

[sirhugs]

NOt rubbish. Not great, but not bad.

I like stories staring with dialogue. That always draws me in.

You need practice at pacing the story, and your dialogue seems a bit wooden, but practice will help that.

Sorry, I don't have time today to critique the text closely. Perhaps someone else will stop by to do that.

I wanted to assure you that no feedback is very common, so not to worry.

 

[gauchecritic]

As a general comment, personally I (and others) don't consider mothers-in-law to be incest, that may affect what readership you get and consequently the voting, conversely if your story was listed as "Mature" you would also get the opposite effect from those who do consider it to be incest. Swings and round-a-bouts.

I have given your story a high score because I liked it, unfortunately it stopped short and that was quite bothersome.

To the meat:

Excellent opening, scene and character setting


With my head still engrossed in the Sunday Times, ... experience had taught me that agreement was always the right policy. ...recently ex) husband John. Yvonne worked as a beauty consultant ... childhood sweethearts ... she was 17, nearly 20 years ago.

Very good.

"...did women ever think of the practicalities of this stuff, I think not. "

Very good character developement already

"Her uniform was a tightly tailored grey suit, skirt at knee level, white open-necked blouse and smart black high heel shoes. She was 5ft 3" and had shoulder length red hair"

Not a good idea to make lists of character attributes, better to throw them in in between. For example drop the hair description into the next para.

"After changing into some black trousers and a red sweater, with her shoulder length red hair swinging in an efficient pony-tail behind her, she got in the car"


"As I pulled back, the back of my hand brushed firmly against her breast. "

This is very sudden and quite awkward.

"Sorry" I said, "That's OK, accidents happen" she said with her head turned towards me, I noticed she was smiling.

Different speakers have new paras.

"In addition, I also noticed that her nipples were now poking against the thin material of her sweater. During the lesson, I found myself looking over at her more and more. She had a really good figure and I guessed her breasts to be bigger than Susan's at 36D. Her hands were immaculate, beautiful long red nails, I suppose as part of her job, and she no longer wore the diamond encrusted wedding ring that I had always known her with.

Cut the 'in addition'. 36D is about as descriptive as 'average' Is 'with' a preposition? Surely you know the rules about that?

The next 4 or 5 paras I can see are intended to build up the excitement/tension/anticipation but it doesn't really quite come off. After the first lesson and earlier in the story the narrator actually saying "(Although I may flash back to this vision next time I have a solitary moment!) " You have a perfect opportunity for him to do just that and create that anticipation more succesfully.


"Yvonne clasped her arms around me, "Oh David, thank-you, I'm sorry you've been lumbered teaching an old doll like me how to drive." "

Clasped? not a good description. But the ordinary language, 'lumbered', 'old doll' is very good and excellent developement.

"My hands could feel the bra strap through the thin silky blouse material. I gently brought my left arm around and rested it on her side, level with her soft breast, I could still claim it was an accident depending on her reaction. Her sobbing had quietly stopped but she didn't pull away, so I gently brushed the palm of my hand over her right breast. I could feel the silk, I could feel the lace of her bra, and I could feel the hardness of her nipple. Again, she held me. Filled with a new found confidence at not being pushed away, I now started to stroke her neck and gradually made the circles wider so that eventually I was dipping down below the level of her blouse. My fingers then traced underneath the edges of her bra. She still held me and was now gently rubbing her hands up and down my back. "

Cut this into 3 or 4 shorter paras.

"This situation was just so sexy, my hand was now on my mother-in-law naked breast. She then withdrew her head from my shoulder, and looked at me. The pupils of her green eyes were wide and piercing. Her lips were red and moist. We then kissed in a way that son and mother-in-law aren't meant to. She placed her lips on mine, then teased them apart as her tongue searched out my tongue. My right hand cupped her head, pulling her closer to me, and my fingers started to massage her head. I could feel her tongue lashing in my mouth, god she was hot. I felt her right hand move from my back, I then realised were it had gone to – she was now rubbing my erection through my jeans. "

Too long again. Sexy? eeoow Withdrew her head? It was inside his shoulder?
"Right hand cupped her head" would be much better as "my cupped hand drew her head closer"

"I then realised where it was heading - she was..."

"By now, I had scooped out her right breast, free from the lacy confines of her bra"

"scooped her breast free of the lacy..."

"The slurping sound was rich in sexuality. "

Sounds very odd to my ears. (no suggestions)

"She said it was more her fault than mine, she had always fancied me since Susan 1st brought me home, but she felt really lonely now and didn't know what had come over her. "

If I had been writing this (and I wish I had) I would have added something like:

"She said it was more her fault than mine, she had always fancied me since Susan 1st brought me home, <that very first night I laid awake 'til gone 3 with my fingers in my... but that was wrong of me, and anyway> she felt really lonely now and didn't know what had come over her. "

The next para is very sudden and quite out of place, not that it isn't good (although para is too long) but missing some tension/anticipation of climbing the stairs quite unprepared for what occurs.

"There was a candle lit on her bedside table. Yvonne was lying down on the bed, propped up by a couple of pillows. She was wearing long leather boots with stiletto heels. She had on black stockings held up by a thin lace garter belt, and a black lace teddy which I could see her nipples through."

"Through which " (How picky do you want me to be?)

"The tops of her stockings had the brand 'pretty polly' embroidered in them."

Brilliant everyday touch.

"Come on in son..." xplore this a little more since it is in the incest category.

" I nervously undressed and lay down beside her."

Just exactly how cold was it in the bedroom to make the action chill so much?:

" I then rolled on top of her."," I then pulled myself up "

"I remembered something Susan said "

Good reminder here

"her stiletto heels digging into the bed. "

Into his back would have been so much better .

"...the smells and juices I tasted are indescribable. "

WERE indescribable.

"I must have swirled my tongue inside her for around 10 minutes. "

If you "must have" you must also be exagerating cut out the "must have" and just say you did, we don't know any better.

"Yvonne has now been 'learning' to drive for 2 years now. I don't know if she'll ever pass her driving test. She recently has playfully dropped hints that she wonders how Susan would react if she could see a 'lesson' for herself. "

Excellent cliffhanger


I think I am playing with fire as it is – aren't I?

Very, very good personal ending.

All in all a good story but without enough tension/anticipation or plain old naughtiness. Without trying to blow my own trumpet but merely to try and give you an idea of what I think is missing perhaps you might like to read one of my stories.

But keep up the good work

Gauche

My stories

 

[Ian Sinclair]

Wow gauchecritic.

Thank you so much for spending time on analysing my writing.

I wished now that I had sent you the story 1st before posting it!

The suggestions you make are intelligent and entirely appropriate. Its all so obvious once someone points it out to you! You have now given me the motivation now to write the follow up.

As a matter of interest, once a story is posted, can the author retract and edit it?

Once again, many thanks for your much appreciated critique.

 

[gauchecritic]

You will find that there are a good many people willing to give criticism on these boards and those that do take the time give good advice and appreciate appreciativeness(??)

There is also an editor thingy somewhere on here but for that (and this) quid pro quo is desirable.

If you want to edit something already posted there is a method for that too. (Have a look on the FAQs).

I'm certain someone can answer both those points in much greater detail.

Just remember though, if you want some you have to do some, it's only common courtesy.

Gauche

 

[damppanties]

help from the Lit FAQs

As a matter of interest, once a story is posted, can the author retract and edit it?

- I've re-edited my story and want to replace the posted version with my new edited one. How do I do this?

Easy! Simply submit the new version as you submitted the old one, only adding the word "EDITED" to the title (ex. "My Sexy Firefighter Ch. 3 - EDITED") so that we know to replace the old text with the new text. We will then replace the original text with the new text. Your story will retain its previous voting score and views.

It's all in here!

 

[Ian Sinclair]

Hi DP,

thanks for your reply - next time I promise to look at the FAQ's before asking such a question!

People like me really annoy myself!

The support on this forum is great.....

I'm glad I found you all.

Ian

 

[Ian Sinclair]

Yes, I know its a bit sad responding to my own post, but I thought it worthy of an update.

My follow up story was finally posted yesterday and I would like to publically thank Gauchecritic for giving it a very thorough once over before I let it loose on the forum.

In its 1st day, it rated a 'hot' symbol, had over 18,500 viewings, and nearly 90 votes.

Amazingly, I did not get one sentence of feedback. We obviously have a very shy audience out there, or maybe they don't trust the anonymity statement?

Anyway guys, thanks very much for your help & support.

Driving Lessons Continued

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=78253

Ian

 

[hiddenself]

Double deal

Hi Ian.

Overall, I thought the second one is far better than the first, more erotic and better written (I gave a 4 for the 2nd, and a 2 for the 1st -- hey, I'm a tough judge, what can I tell yah?).

Here are some comments on the first installment.

The narrative seems to me a little too "lessez faire" and sloppily written.

Examples:
"to & from" (and?)
"1st brought me home" (first?)
Also, you should capitalize beginning of sentences. You often start dialogue with lowercase letters. Why?

Thre are some awkward expressions, such as
"she was never the most friendly"
... friendy what?
"she was never particularly friendly"
would sound better.

Also
"why not come over tomorrow"
is ambiguous. Who's speaking, David or Yvonne? It rurns out it's Yvonne cause he goes to her place the next day, but I was totally lost. This happened at a couple of other ploaces as well. And when that happens, I lose interest in the story.

On to the plot now.

I think the virgin thing was overdone in the character development. David and Susan were sweathearts from school. John and Yvonne got married early (she was a virgin). I can see no reason for all that in the context of the story. It just seemed extraneous and fake to me.

Then, lessons went on for 2 years?! Maybe it's an exaggeration, but it cost you a whole point in my grading...

As I said, the second installment is far superior. The ending was gorgeous. I'm in a rush now but will try to write up what I loved about that story in another posting.

Looking forward to more.

hs

PS Oh, yes, I don't consider mother-in-law stories to be incest, but that's where they are posted in Lit. Not your problem though.