Any thoughts on this one?

[Ancient117331]

"Sound Of Music..."

Put on something...
soft and Gaelic,
tart and Celtic,
Indie magic, Rhythm and Blues,
ancient, new - whose dulcimer
tones flow - smooth and bittersweet,
hauntingly clear and ever so near.

Remind me of all the loves
ever known, had, touched,
and borne - wished, dreamed, found
and lost - moving, moved, held
within, 'til now released.

Play it low - though its ever
awesomely real and pure,
touching with cruelly
coolly fervid caress...
molding ever with my mind.

The rise is all the aerie peaks...
high-flyin' soul - majestic, enthroned
with view of emerauld heart
and heat ever growing,
gracing all there is,
and was, and will.

The falls are 'ever'-mores... moors'
dark and shrouded,
sweet-scented peats and beats.
Deep seated senses rush real
and reel and Reel
with twists and turns and
intricate movements fleet
that float to rhythms' flow
and heart's beat...
heartbeats...
hearts bleats captured
and held and still.

The sweetest center - centered -
central (as home) - ever calling
how ever the roaming, wandering
minstrel tries and cries.
As though tied, bound with sound -
the thrust of tryst and trust
does fly and flay and cry 'til dies away...
ever a day - everyday - anyday...
anyway... as only it can, could,
would. Feel the wood winds
fly and flee free to be.
Their wood's wind melody -
melodies of harmonies -
twin and twine and 'tween
all there is ever to be...
all of me - part and parted, held
enthralled and thrilled
while trilled and drilled...
stilled with dreaming
just to be alive and me.

Play the mountain music -
earth tones, flats, sweet
psycho funk - rapt
with heat. Play it all
and let the living flow
as was always meant to be.
Then play it again
just 'cause you can.

Chris Twyford
Ancient117331

 

[~Dream~]

With Artful's permission,

Chris,it made me very dizzy lol but i liked it ,your choices of words kept it flowing but kind of speeded it up a bit too much for me towards the end, please re-check out my poem as i have re-written it and give to me yourfeedback?/ thanks love

 

[Ancient117331]

Music

Artful's dream.

Nice handle both yours and your One.

Music can be a 'dizzying' thing, I tried to speed and quicken -
and give the sense of moving with its (music's) flow - regardless
of the type of music heard. I'm not nearly as good as some
but I, like most, try. It isn't the 'type' of music to which a person listens thats important, it that music of some type stirs us all and
takes us beyond ourselves to where perhaps only the
individual can 'see' - but it (music) does take us all.

I'll re-look at yours in a bit, I am trying to firm a response to
another's comment at the moment.

Take care,
Chris Twyford
Ancient117331

 

[ltlwitch]

I liked it

Hi Chris~

Very captivating, almost enchanting if I might say

Blessed be~
ltlwitch

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Ancient, the poem rambles and falls into triteness. You have a gift for words when you avoid cliche. Lose all the crazy punctuation.

The rambling is too hard to get through. Stacking so many stanzas that do not propel the sentiment of the poem forward is not a good thing. You are saying the same thing over and over. A poem of this length must be orchestrated better to hold the reader. Each stanza should add a facet to the poem. You have me spinning in circles.

But then I have an inner ear problem.

U.P.

 

[Ancient117331]

Itlwitch

I am glad you appreciated it. I look forward to viewing yours as well.

Chris Twyford
Ancient117331

 

[Ancient117331]

Unmasked Poet

Hi. I have been trying to follow all your reviews... you have so many it IS difficult, but your efforts are appreciated.

As to this one - well each of us have a style - of sorts.
Mine is that I hear as I read hence the punctuation. Each allows
for a different type of pause and thought. I use ellipses to give
a longer and thoughtful break. I use ' --- ' to set aside a word
for uniqueness or feeling. The normal dash to show relevance
or to add to a thought. An emdash for a longer breath. Normal commas and periods to give minor breaks and thought closure. Normally when reading mine aloud you don't stop til a punctuation is reached.

As to rambles... well just how many types of music are there?
I've listed and described just a few. If you truly follow the words
you'll see each thought IS developed and not repeated. The one
really long stanza is meant to be that long... by the end you are
'breathless' and that is intended. I even included reference to
dance within - Reel - refers to the dance hence the following
movement. Many dance to what they hear - even when alone.

As to spinning in circles... Awesome, I could ask no more of you
than that, because that is what music does - it moves us and
reminds us we are alive.

Chuckling, I wish you well on that inner ear thing - BUT, with
today's music as it is, are you really that sure YOU have an inner
ear problem and that it just isn't your body trying to cope with
the latest 'blast'?

Teasing and kidding aside, thanks for the comments. I may
disagree BUT I truly listen to them and think about them before
letting another poem get posted. Its our differences that make
us human and our thoughts that make us poets.

Be well and take care,
Chris Twyford
Ancient117331

 

[Up Too Late]

I like it

"soft and Gaelic,
tart and Celtic,
Indie magic, Rhythm and Blues,
ancient, new - whose dulcimer
tones flow - smooth and bittersweet,
hauntingly clear and ever so near"


Very powerful dictions; clear, concise and cogent.
I can hear and also see....I really like your choice of words in this first stanza.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: I like it

"soft and Gaelic,
tart and Celtic,
Indie magic, Rhythm and Blues,
ancient, new - whose dulcimer
tones flow - smooth and bittersweet,
hauntingly clear and ever so near"


Very powerful dictions; clear, concise and cogent.
I can hear and also see....I really like your choice of words in this first stanza.

UPT, in what way this is powerful(?), clear(??), consise(???), cogent(????!) ? What does it do and in what way for someone who knows music? What and in what way for someone who doesn't? In my opinion the answer to both q-s is the same: nothing.

It's interesting that U have omitted the first line of the poem, which is awfully prosy:

        Put on something...

In this type of a poem (or stanza) we should be free from prosaic language (this is a paraphrase of a statement by great poet Boleslaw Lesmian).

Now look at the lines which U have quoted. Too much of the good think. No harmony, no taste, no sense, no sense of composition, no nothing. Is it on purpose? Perhaps. But who cares when there is no purpose to it, this chaos doesn't serve here anything, is anty-musical, is not integrated with the poem. Brrr...

The rest of the poem is densly populated by cliches, and is full of "propaganda" adjectives (as opposed to adjectives and other words which carry information--instead of information we get "opinions").

It would be natural to expect from a poem about music musicality. But no such luck this time. Sorry. The poem sounds all the time like listing, listing, listing items after items after items, regardless of the kind of the music it is addressing.

Regards,

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: Re: I like it

densly populated

"densely", not "densly". Sorry. I am afraid that there might be more typos, errors... Let me apologize blindly for all of them

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: Re: I like it

Too much of the good think.

Should be "Too much of a good thing".

Okay, no more until I get some sleep,

 

[daughter]

In agreement

Ancient--

I am quickly seeing a pattern with your responses. You defend a lot and concede little.

I agree with Senna and UP, this is listing and not musical. What your writing clearly illustrates is a lack of basic understanding of writing poetry. While you do not need to take a class to learn about poetry, you do have to read it. Get off the online poetry diet. It's high in fat and low on protein.

All of us can put letters together to form words and link words to create thoughts. That does not make one a writer in a creative sense.

How many times is a poet going to preach about how different we are and that we have our unique style? There's nothing unique about poor grammar, rambling, defending, and ignorance. The web is full of folks of calling themselves poets who neither read nor study their craft.

Pick up a book on writing poetry and pick up another written by someone who clearly demonstrates a mastery of the form. Your work is judged by what you present. Nothing in this piece suggests that you are versed in either music or poetry.

Thanks for the read.

Peace,

daughter

 

[Ancient117331]

Defend and Concede

Senna and Daughter,

So I need to read a book or five... and I list not write - I am neither concise nor cogent AND " There's nothing unique about poor grammar, rambling, defending, and ignorance."

Put on something... anything at all - any type of music you like
whether it be Isle's sounds or perhaps Indie, R&B. whatever floats your boat. Just know that YOU like the sounds, their tones, their words and flow, content and the way it reminds you of being alive and how you 'feel' or perhaps remind you of how you felt about someone or something.

Play it at a low volume and listen to it - good systems you can crank without distorting the sound, but most people don't have good systems - they don't have the 'bucks'. I DJ'd for a number of years AND I didn't have the bucks either.

So I guess I don't know music at all and never have... of course I did sing with the Baltimore Symphonic Orchestra once - but no, I can't go there for that would be defending. My sister even jammed with BB King and cut an album for charity - but that would still be defending, so I won't go that way either. You guys don't attack the poet - just call it poor grammer, rambling, defending, and ignorance. I need to read books about how to write 'poetry'... well open your eyes and read aloud, perhaps even using the guide I already gave - free expression, free style, rhythm, a flow of cogent and coherent thought (even if it is but my own - seriously flawed thought) IS poetry. Did you know its even"Legal" to begin sentences with 'And' now and end them with prepositions?

As for rambling, I guess I do - course was it really a ramble? Did the words really just go nowhere? Did they have no feeling to evoke? No sense of understanding - perhaps I used five and ten cent words instead of half dollar and dollar ones. I admit my choice of title is not one of the 'best' listings you guys put together... I even have a poem titled "Passion..." - such a cliche, so passe, and not worth the looking. Of course now, as of today I have over a hundred written responses to "Passion...".

Defend - hell yes I'm defending. You guys want to ding my poems - fine. But so far you guys just turned it into a free-for-you to ding me and that is a crock. "Sound Of Music..." has received a lot of comments - a whole lot more than you would believe, but you see I posted it here last - not first. I thought someone here would enjoy seeing more than a thoughtless, rhyme-driven, love-struck or grieving, or just explicitly sexual (without inuendo) work... and I was right - they did. I don't have your wide and varied exposure. My audience is limited to about 100,000 per posted work and I rotate the postings in that not every group gets every poem.

I respect 'Unmasked Poet', I answered his comments tongue-in-cheek. I really like the effort that guy has to go through to just view all the poetry that flows through here. I reserve the right to agree to disagree - amenably.

I answered 'Daughter's' questions regarding the other poem - perhaps not enough to her liking. It was strange of the nearly 500 written responses elsewhere that I received, none - but she -were lost as to what the subject of the poem was about. That was not a cheap shot either, I meant it sincerely. Perhaps others may have been lost and just didn't bother to ask - but that is the neat thing, I don't mind answering questions as to the reasoning within and behind what I write. I'm not dead yet, so I CAN answer.

Not everyone likes my work - that happens and is a reality I accept. But a very, very large number do like it, collect it, save it, and savor it... and directly ask for more.

I'll close this with another - unique - work of mine.
...............................................................................

A friend and I decided to tease back and forth -
with meaningless triviality and banality.
I responded to their "Dinner..." (a witty
and tasty piece) with this... and I was
accused of and I quote, "you come back with
this marvelous statement piece! Incredibly
clever societal apropos!" Sooooooo...
I ask that you all please judge what I wrote...

For the unwary...
a laugh.
For the rest...
well,
Once upon a time was said,
"Let them eat cake..."
and the rest is history...
chuckling.


"Garbage..."

What goes in
always comes out
and NOT in a form
often talked about.

'Plastique baguettes'
to sanitize,
remove the mess
enrich our lives.

Handles, ties, pressurized...
hidden from all the prying eyes.
Floral scents to draw the bees
and leave us wonder...
why the flys.

Black and blue,
mean something to...
as green and red,
a warning spread.

And in the end it matters not
it all goes under a parking lot.

Chris Twyford
Ancient117331

 

[Senna Jawa]

What is your point? / Re: Defend and Concede

I am not sure. Have U summarized the discussion and that's the end of it? Is there any question left that should be addressed? I am happy for U that U have so many admirers. Hey, don't be greedy, three exceptions only support a rule, they say , U don't have to have the whole 100% plus odds to like your poem.

Good luck to U, enjoy your success the way U like & understand.

 

[karmadog]

I think your poem was a lot better than your response to the criticism. I'm no poet, but I personally liked your first stanza. I think it did flow. It did have a nice rhythm. I think it's fun to say. Still, overall I didn't like the poem. C'est la vie.

Your response, though... Dude, what was up with that? daughter didn't say you didn't know music, she said that your poem felt like you didn't. That is a very different issue. I didn't feel the same, but I certainly respect her opinion on poetry.

"The falls are 'ever'-mores... moors' "

This line, to me, felt forced. Like you were trying to be clever.

"Deep seated senses rush real
and reel and Reel"

Again,same problem, same stanza.

Really, other than the first stanza, which I liked, it feels like you were forcing word matches that didn't really go.

"Put on something...
soft and Gaelic,
tart and Celtic,..."

That I like. I like to say it. When I read that aloud, it makes my mouth feel good. Isn't that some of what poetry is about? To me, the rest of the poem just doesn't live up to that promise.

What I have to say is probably not worth as much as what some of the others have to say, though.

BTW, I am the originator of the "Title" thread, and no, that title would not catch my eye, but, if you have paid any attention at all to that thread you would know that it is not about how good the poem is. Plenty a good poem does not make that thread, and some of the ones I list are not good poems. That's not the point.

PS If I pissed you off, or if I didn't, please click the link below and vote on that poem. I have zero votes on it. I don't care if you vote a one. Give me one second of your time for responding thoughtfully.

 

[Sweetwood]

Wading in

This piece is like a stream of consciousness mated with a grocery list:

Remind me of all the loves
ever known, had, touched,
and borne - wished, dreamed, found
and lost - moving, moved, held
within, 'til now released

It's like:

Remind me of all the loves:
1. ever known
2. had
3. touched
4. borne
5 wished
6. dreamed
7. found
8. lost
9. moving
10.moved
11. held within
'til now released

The first line suggests a multitude. Why restrict the readers imagination to a listing of characteristics these loves may have had. Also the last line of the stanza does not seem to correspond with anything except "held within" in which case it is just part of the list.

You have beaten the very nice first staza to death with the rest. As UP said, it makes the head spin rather than evoke the emotion I believe you want to convey. I'd rather ride a rollercoaster for that.

Your responses to the feedback are hilarious. This is what they call a feedback forum. If your self esteem requires others kissing your poetic ass then this forum might not be a good choice to be. Critique is often painful, not because it hurts, but rather because it makes us grow, wouldn't you say. It is obvious that you have a large and liberal following as a poet. As you say:

Of course now, as of today I have over a hundred written responses to "Passion...".

My audience is limited to about 100,000 per posted work and I rotate the postings in that not every group gets every poem.

Wow man, I'd rather have one critical response to my poem, than between 100 and 100 000 in audience, who "just love it". What do you think makes us grow as a poet?

You appear to be so defensive that I have the sneaking suspicion, you know exactly how flawed this piece is. If you were sure of it you would have just said thanks and moved on.

If you want to be taken serious as a writer you would appreciate the comments made. If you just wanted to get the "wow man, I loved it........" reaction, well................................ what can I say.

Thank you for posting your effort.

Sweetwood

 

[Ancient117331]

Sweetwood

I see the sense of your comment and understand your aptly put reasoning. Following that line of thought the first two stanzas WERE lists - and yes they were and were meant to be... just a different style of word usage for each.

"Sound Of Music..." to me was but a play on words on several levels of thought. 'Everything' is music now - it just depends on the listener. Society's 'mores' are such that its all acceptable - whether its Symphonic, Eminem, McKenna, Mancini, Hammer, Celene, Kenny G, or whomever/whatever... and that IS fine.

"And" yes I played with the words - it didn't 'feel' forced to me and exactly one word was replaced after the poem was written. I liked the sense I had within - but - I DID have to stop and go back at one point. Reel - as in Virginia Reel - I could see it but not title or spell it... was a pain seeing THAT dancing swirl in my mind's eye and not be sure of its title and spelling - so I looked it up afterwards and changed the original "Rialle" to "Reel".

Thanks for the chuckling to my comments - they were meant to be chuckled over. I don't mind - well I do actually, but not as you might think - negative comments on a poem. I mind - thoughtless - comments on a poem (and yours most definitely were thoughtful - thanks). I also mind perceived attacks on authors by anyone at anytime and if it requires 'hilarity' to bring it into the open for 'airing' - then so be it. I CAN truly 'dumb down' a work.

Sometimes its easier to attack a person than their thoughts - even if you don't like the thoughts. As to this being a Reader's Feedback Forum - I know it is... that is exactly why I decided to put some thoughts of my own here after reading through the myriad of both good and self-styled/serving statements of opinion (mine included). I like airing my head out - clears the cobwebs, both mine and other's. I write my brand of poetry because I can - not because I have to but because I like to. Its fun.

.........................................

Hello to all. Oft' one's actions speak volumes
without a word... Poetry in motion if you will.

"...-ing"

Seeking, talking, reading, writing.
Meeting, greeting, dancing, dining...
Smiling, chuckling, laughing... finding.

Seeing, dating, learning... liking.
Thinking, mulling, waiting... deciding.

Opening, entering, hearing "dinging",
Looking, looking... staring... finding.

Pointing, waiting, reaching, taking,
Holding, looking - "Glittering, Glimmering,
Shimmering" - (shivering) smiling... buying.

Opening, closing, leaving, walking.
Driving, wandering (dreaming... flying).
Waiting, planning, thinking, wishing,
Sleeping (dreaming... hoping), missing.

Working, waiting, seeing, anticipating.
Deciding... working, calling, driving...
Arriving. (Thinking, smiling) knocking,
entering, hugging, kissing. Sitting,
Gabbing, eating, smiling, sipping,
Laughing, teasing, joking... loving.

Helping, clearing, cleaning, drying,
Stacking. Opening, pouring, sipping,
Sitting, talking, timing... deciding.

Standing, reaching, touching, drawing,
Holding... releasing. Kneeling, opening,
Offering (trembling)... "Glittering, Glimmering,
Shimmering"... asking... waiting... waiting...
Waiting... "Shaking?"... listening (numbing).

Fumbling, closing (tearing, burning),
Standing, stumbling, moving... going.
Leaving, walking... walking... walking...

Stopping, staring ("Glimmering, Glittering,
Shimmering") - crying, dropping, walking...
loving... living, continuing... dying.

Chris Twyford
Ancient117331

 

[Ancient117331]

Karmadog

Chuckling here...

Why ever in the world would I be 'pissed-off' at you or your comments? I personally think your thread was a 'great' tongue-in-cheek effort. The problem with 'catching' a reader's eye IS quite real if the author is relatively new or 'unknown' within a particular large audience of both authors and their works. Some of the lengths we - as authors - go to get ANYONE to read our thoughts are awesome when seen in hindsight.

As to your work and voting - well give me a day and I shall read and comment and 'vote' on your efforts... I promise. I even included a comment on the lack of voting in my profile here. "Loving You..." even has 12 votes now.

If you don't mind - look to the comment to "Sweetwood" above this... "attaboys and awshits" are accepted so long as they're thoughtful... and 'hilarity' is but a state of mind.

Take care,
Chris Twyford
Ancient117331

 

[daughter]

poetry vs poet

Ancient--

I talk about poetry. I don't talk about poets or how they feel. You can't dispute how someone feels.

I examine words on a page. The writer greatly influences how a read affects a reader. When I say something isn't working for me, I'm looking for clarification or improvement from the writer.

Reading alone won't make us better writers. It does however give us ideas, options, inspiration and knowledge. We have a choice if we use what is available to us.

I don't doubt you have a great following. That can be interpretted in many ways. You say you have sung with Baltimore Symphonic Orchestra. Great music, but what's the most popular music in this country? So much for being popular.


Peace,

zawadi

 

[Ancient117331]

Daughter

I just - literally - read your response... and this came immediately into my mind - "God, I like you."

zawadi

 

[karmadog]

I admit my choice of title is not one of the 'best' listings you guys put together... I even have a poem titled "Passion..." - such a cliche, so passe, and not worth the looking.

That sounded pissed to me. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

 

[Ancient117331]

Karmadog

You have my sincerest apology - It was NOT intended as being 'pissed' - it WAS intended as an example of the trouble of finding a 'viewable' title AND as a tongue-in-cheek comment on how sometimes a title must stand without artifice or contrivance.

Anyway, I like this place... as well as you.

Take care,

..........................................

"The Price Of Admission..."

Out to the car,
time be mooovvvin
yet again.
It begins...
roll down the window
feel the wind...
a tornado's flow
stirs the tracks.
Icy february chill
all around,
pacing traffic outward bound.
See the break
make it move...
feel the hum transform.
Listen to the growing roar...
start the passing
watch them crawl
70... 80...
hillsides flashing past.
Mooovviin right along.
Roaring louder,
feelin TALL...
90... 100...
Yeah, that's it...
Make it dance
left and right...
110... 120...
right and left,
Feel the inner music flow.
Let it loose...
Let it go...
130... 140...
Tires screaming out their pain,
engine loves to roar again...
icy wind is now a wall
roaring laughter says it all.
Harder...harder still...
up and down
the bleeding hills.
Looking for the straightaway...
where's that fuckin' tree...
"C'mon make my day."

Chris Twyford
Ancient117331